Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

how are you feeling now MM ?

DH seems distant again. Friendly enough but deffo different from Friday night. I guess me asking for his phone on Sat during the day has either made him feel guilty again cos I might have found out, or he feels its not worth helping me get over this.
Either way hes not trying hard enough.
I have been making an effort & even telling him that I can see things werent right with our relationship but I havent heard him acknowledge his part in it at all.

I dont want to ask him to leave because its not what I want and then it absolves him doesnt it - he can always say "you told me to leave etc"
I need to give it my best shot so I can know I tried.

SHE lives at home - split up from her DH about 5 months ago - maybe hes still with me cos they wouldnt have anywhere to live

I feel annoyed also cos I want to do the best for our kids but all he seems to care about is money - maybe he thinks he'll have more money if he doesnt live with us - probably true as I think he'd only have to pay 15% maintenance

perhaps you're all right & I need to look into the finance myself just incase

I feel so miserable - dont want to do anything - finding it hard not to snap at the kids

MM if he wanted to be with her he would i think.If he thinks he would have more money if he moved out and she works full time it would be easy for them to find somewhere to go.When my dad left my mum he wanted the other woman so bad that they slept in a car together.She worked with him too.The fact that he is at home must be a plus . i think he is not atmitting to himself how bad he has been and until he talks there can be no way forward.Can someone have the children so you can have some time on your own?

my parents live very busy lives so they could babysit Sat night but not til 6pm - I dont mean to sound ungrateful but an evening is not enough. I feel we need to go away for the weekend or at least spend a day alone to talk.

you may be right about him not leaving - I guess if he was going he would have gone when I found out.
I cant get him to talk
he has said he will read the book I have bought about surviving after an affair but whether that will make him talk is another thing.

he has compartmentalised this affair and its in its box with the key thrown away
it hurts that he can compare it to our previous relationships when clearly this one occured during our marriage

at the moment I feel like running away myself with the kids and getting some space but I dont know whether thats a good idea - I woud only be doing it to try to shock him as I know I want it all to work out

Spidermama, thank you for your post. Its really helpful to hear someone's long term perspective, particularly that it was a year or more till you were able to move on more. Maturer, its reassuring to hear from you too, as i know you found out about your dh's affair just before me. its now 16 months since i found about my dh's affair. in some ways we are so much stronger and closer. We had a holiday a few weeks ago, and it was so nice to feel 'normal' and happy. we talked about what had happened and the future. i think we have got to the boring stage. Coming back from holiday i felt so positive, which i haven't fully felt for a long time. however, now i think i am scared of moving into that new chapter. my dh has tried so hard but i sometimes still feel it so much and worry i will never let go of what he did. most of the time, things are good and i can't believe we have come this far. but i still need to ask questions sometimes and just wish it had never been a part of our lives. its good to hear, spidermama, that may be its another hurdle and eventually we'll get there. thanks for the article overdraft, i'm going to go and read it.

Hello GB great to hear from you. It sounds as though we are both more or less at the same stage. we too had a great holiday together but I certainly know that feeling of beinng scared about never fully moving on. Still have the odd bad day but most of the time we are doing great and although my dh doesn't like talking about it he will if I ask him to. Take care.

Hi MrsMiggins, Hope this evening is a better one for you. I felt just like you - din't want to be the "bad guy" - and I didn't want him to leave either. I just wondered your dh needed a bit of a short sharp shock, as others seem to have found it useful.

I found it empowering just to know I would be OK if dh did leave, not because I wanted him to, but just so I'd stop worrying and could think about "maybe" plans.

Hope things are getting better for you - has your counsellor been in touch to get things going again?

If you can get over it you have a set of angels wings waiting for you. Personally I cant, but there are people stronger than I am & I have heard of so many people who have worked things out.
The only problem I see is that the pain will not stop once the affair did.
Maybe counceling can help.
& I wish you the best of luck.

PS Sorry if some one may have asked you already Disbelief,but how long have ya'll been together?

Hi CeeTee, I don't think angel wings have anything to do with it! I would have told you before the affair that I would have thrown him out, ripped up his clothes ect (but then I was very confident that it would never happen). We will have been together 15 years this winter.

nooka
I am with you on that i even would judge women that took there dh back after an affair and think they were right mugs.I am certainly no push over or mug and this is totally how i thought i would never react.I thought it would never happen to us as it is out of character big time for dh (my dad had an affair and it was like him).Affairs are not black and white .We are trying to recover now and i am learning all the time.I really must say it has helped me grow as a person too.

I have decided to go to Relate - have an app this afternoon. Last night I ended up ringing up his hotel asking for HER and then rang ANOTHER hotel just incase.
Just stupid
He's still not trying enough in my opinion but I am going to give it my best shot so that if it doesnt work out, I can say I tried.

our main problem is lack of communication - we're both crap at it. Never really seemed to matter before but now I realise this is probably why we're in this situation.

both were miserable but didnt know what to say

I just want it back to how it was a year ago when we were happy.

Hi all, I'm new to this but (and sorry for the length)......here goes

This has bought back the memories of my DH's affair 5 years ago, whilst 8 mths pregnant with our 2nd child. It was with a neighbour who used to look after my 1st child after school. It had gone on for a couple of months. Although I was sick to the stomach when I found out, I was decidedly calm although my DH was distraught and utterly sorry for his behaviour. Although I had no idea what I was going to do and I didn't want him in our bedroom, I refused to let him leave the house as I wanted him to stay put and witness the hurt I was going through. I was also subjected to all sorts of abuse from this neighbour and she even attacked me whilst pregnant as she was under the illusion that my DH was going to run off with her!

Although he was relucant he did answered all the intimate questions I had to ask, as much as I did not like the answers, I still had to ask.

As the months went by I had to see this woman everyday across the road and everyday at school which would churn me up and want to seek revenge - she always looked as though she was laughing at me. I took my revenge out on her car and also, although I am ashamed to say it, we had a fight, to which she did not come off that well - I was angry that I had resorted to such actions as I was not that type of person. Eventually she moved which made things a little easier - although to-date, despite several different people having lived in her house, I still hate the front door of her house!

My DH did everything possible to show me how much he wanted the marriage to work, how much he loved me, and did everything in his power to make me trust him.

I'm not saying its been easy and there are always constant reminders - we have nearly called it a day so many times over 5 years. He went for counselling but I refused - it was not something I felt I wanted to do and decided to deal with it in my own way.

5 years on we seem to be getting through it and even if we argue, I don't throw it back in his face now (well maybe the odd remark!). I even catch him in tears sometimes as there are reminders for him too as to what he had done and how badly I had been affected by it.

I am sorry that you've all been/going through this awfull situation. Things will only ever start to heal if both sides actually want it to.

X

awww, over2boo, Your description is so emotional.
I guess it does take alot of hard work & I do feel for all of you ladies who had to go through that.....Maybe halos instead, nooka

Hi MrsMiggins, I hope that your Relate session went well. I think that not being able to communicate well enough to cope with the stresses of parenthood is the root of many a relationship breakdown. We had weeks where we just didn't talk to each other at all except around the practicalities of life. Horrible! and incredibly difficult to learn how to do it again naturally when so much water has gone under the bridge.

over2boo you must be incredibly resilient to be able to cope with that level of provocation and reminder. Dh's mistress came over to the UK for a week at the height of the affair, and they went to see the Lion King. If I see anything to do with that film I feel like killing it!

I don't think that experiencing the pain of the affair and it's aftermath has helped me any, but coming to terms with it has certainly helped me to understand myself better and cope with what life may bring me. That I think has been very valuable.

relate helped in so much as I realise that I have real issues with everyone trying to make me supress how I feel
stiff upper lip seems to be my family's way opf dealing with things
ostrich in the sand is DH

he didnt ring me tonight and by 7.20pm I was feeling pissed off - had rung his mobile twice but no answer. So i rang his office number and AGAIN had to speak to HER. At elast I know she's not staying where he his unless she is on the road now. B#tch.
sent him a txt which prompted him to ring - been in meeting with chairman.
fine but hes gotta understand that I am bound to be wondering why he isnt phoning.

I tried to suggest a night away in a local(ish) hotel - just the 2 of us - but he says he'd rather spend the money on other things
I can understqnd that normally BUT things are different....apparantely only from where I stand

I feel that I should "be a good girl & just forget it & carry on as normal"

starting to p#ss me off (and I have to say I dont usually swear in RL)

Ah - a woman after my own heart - I have exactly the same problem! Leads to huge communications problems, in my experience. dh will say "I want to do x", I will think "no, no, I'd hate you to do that" together with "is it unreasonable for me to object, will it upset you" and say absolutely nothing... It's not very helpful is it?

Am trying to be better following counselling, but it is hard to change.

Mmmm - I may have misread you there, think I'll still post this just in case I haven't!

Still wishing you all the best.

Mrs Miggins
I'm P*ed off for you. How dare he not see the need to put time, effort and a little money into your relationship (how much did he spend on HER?)
You know from my previous postings that I want so much for you to give it a go and to let you know that it can move on and even get better. However your DH needs to wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage,the trust is not easily got back (it's not so much the sex- though that's bad enough! it is the lies and deception and total disrespect or disregard for your feelings)How would he feel if you'd been sleeping with another man and been deceiving him about this for months? Would he just say "It's ok dear I've forgotten all about it" I think not!
Yes we can all make mistakes and my dh did exactly that. Even after I found out he still didn't do the right thing straight away (and that hurt so much- how could he not see my pain?)He did get there in the end and I have to say from the start put time into "us"- time away together, agreeing to get counselling, talking to me- it took him some time to totally accept what he'd done and I got angry at that. Your dh can't keep treating you like this honey- as if nothing has happened ! He's got tostart showing some committment to you and your relationship. (sorry not meaning to tell you what to do but I feel very amgry by what he's doing as I know how you are dying inside)
I'm glad you've got some counselling for you- it won't tell you what to do but it will help you understand your own feelings and let them out safely. I went for months by myself as I still had so much pain and didn't want it to destroy all the good things we did have together.
I'm glad you're getting angry- you decide the next move- you take control!

Maturer - Im p#ssed off for myself too.
He was away again last night and out late by the sounds of it - had a very nice Japanese meal with some clients and collegues.
Eventually rang me at 8am when he woke up (Ive been up since 5am with poorly DD) and just talked about himself.

I still dont think he does want to leave BUT equally hes not putting any effort in. I rang him again last night cos he'd had a hard day and sounded down, and it ended up with me saying "I'm trying but you're not putting any effort in" and he just said "I know, and you must keep on trying"
W@nker

He then said this morning that he'd sent me a txt about the Japanese - I didnt get it - I reallyt had to bite my tongue not to say "you sure you didnt send it to HER"

Going to have a really good think about what it is I want & need as I just cant live like this. I feel like Im the one on trial, Im the one trying and Im the one who is stuck at home while he stays in fab hotels drinking with his collegues. Perhaps if he doesnt want to go away with me this weekend, I should leave him at home with the kids and go away myself....in fact I have a friend who's just had an op so she might like a night away too.

Excellent idea...call her! NOW!

i read or heard i can't remember about a man who realised just what he had done and how he would miss his wife when he spent the night away from her in his own bed.I know he spends nights away in hotels but not the same as being in your own home without you there.So go away on your own mate.My dh was shocked by what he had done and extremly sorry.I needed to see him feeling like this and crying e.c.t to know he cares if he hadn't he wouldn't be getting a second chance.He is also someone that wouldn't talk before but now he talks and talks about all of it.
My m.i.l is not talking to me know because i wouldn't brush it under the carpet.She thinks that is all our generation do is want,want,want and this is why we have affairs.I put her straight and told he that her generation didn't speak about it.
Don't i waffle on

I find that although when discussed which is not very often (usually after alcohol)DH is apologetic and very embarrased about it all the rest of the time its as if we are both behaving as though it never happened.

I am surprised myself that although its only been a couple of months I seem to think about it less. Which I never thought possible never mind in such a short time scale and beleive me I was distraught at the time of finding out and the weeks that followed.

One thing with dh is if I ask for his phone he just hands it over without objection. I try and look at it when he is in the shower so he does not know that I am checking. If he did not want me to see it I would want to know why.

Can i ask you all, when you first discovered the affair did your dh stop all contact immediatly?

It really hurts me that my dh continued it for another three weeks (although he told me it was over)he did not want me and the marriage at that time and then it was if a switch went on and he came back to me? I cant understand why when found out he was not sorry and begging forgivness??

Hi Disbelief
My dh stopped contact straight away yes.It was like he had come down to earth with a thud when i found out.He moved back to his mums where he still is at the moment.He did say he was sorry but he didn't want to come back to me at first i think he had to get it straight in his own head first.

thing is yes he your husband continued to see her for three weeks but at least you know that perhaps he done it because he needed to know what it would be like with her when it was all out in the open.Infact he decided that what he had with you was so much more and he wasn't forced not to see her again.He choose you at the end of it all hope that makes sense

Disbelief,
No my dh did not stop seeing her when I found out. I only found out because he told me, because her dh was about to turn up on the doorstep and tell me. prior to that I knew nothing of what was going on! It took a few months for the reality to hit him and stop any contact with her. By then she was getting all the wrong messages (they had stopped the physical relationship quite soon after reality came into it) then we had weeks of her not taking no for an answer and her trying to contact him by all sorts of secret ways. He was at that point working with me not against me so telling me all. The reason I didn't throw him out to start was that he lied- quite simply about the extent of their relationship. Later when I found out all the awful details I nearly threw him out, the only thing that stopped me then was that by then he had himself come to his senses and hadn't had any contact for months and was trying so hard to make ammends. you see basically they are cowards- once rummbled they still won't be honest straight away. He says now it was for fear of losing me if I knew the full truth. He also had it in his head (in true arrogant male style!) that he could "help her" get through this and put all right that he'd put wrong in both our lives! He finally listened to me telling him that HE was the problem not the solution. So disbelief it is still possible to move on even after all the deception-but only when he starts being completely honest!

My dh is still in touch with his ex-mistress. She is his business partner, so the only way I could have stopped it would have been to throw up the business too. I would have been very happy about that, but I'm not sure dh would have been able to cope. I am still worried that he can't cope, and hasn't come to terms with his behaviour, although in many ways he is a different man, and has grown up hugely in the last year or so. This morning we had a bit of a row (well dh had a bit of a shouting attack following me being upset with him about something) and he really vented that he didn't believe he was good enough, that he felt he was a failure, and that he couldn't give me the support I needed etc. This from the man who insists he is not depressed! I am still trying to get him to go to counselling, but he really thinks that if only I wasn't there to remind him of what a bad person he is he would feel much better and we would be able to make things work. I worry about him, and I'm really not sure how to help him. I do not wish to move out, as I think he might become more depressed, and it would put me in a very bad position if we ever did go down the divorce route.

Still he may well have a new plan in the morning.