Affairs: Can you really get over one

[Disbelief]

I found out my husband was having an affair three months ago and athough we are both trying to make a go of our marrigae and sort things out I wonder will the pain ever really go, also if they stray once is it likely that they will do it again????

well I thought about it and rang him...leaving do not today but tomorrow lunchtime. reason late today is meeting....hmmmm

not a question of being more forgiving...I could insist he gets another job but not going to happen overnight is it.

not coming tomorrow (ahas told me that all couples who get counselling split up)
glad anyway as I need to talk about how I'm feeling and get my needs/thoughts clear

thing I feel anxious about now is a friend I've told is also friends with SIL. I thought she was reliable but now Im worried that she will tell SIL. Oh well SIL wont be able to keep her mouth shut so I guess I'll find out soon enough AND know where her info came from

now I'm just mad
he hasnt rung to say going to be late - when spoke to him at 5pm said he didnt think would have meeting after all.
6.40 and still nothing so rang his mobile - answermachine
just rung his office
Female answered "hello"
me "who am I speaking to"
Female HER!!!
Me "wheres DH"
HER "in meeting. shall I get him to call you when he gets out"
me "no dont bother I'll catch up with him later
HER "ok bye"

bitch - Its taken having to put DD to bed to stop me ringing her back & shouting abuse down the phone

im shaking

gotta put DS to bed - hopefully will calm down

what annoys me is that SHE knows where he is and he didnt have the decency to txt me to say going to meeting after all

Mrsmiggins this is so hard isn't it. we doubt every moment that they are away. I think trust is something that takes a long time to build up and he has to do all that he can right now to make you feel secure. It's reassurance that you need that he wants this to work. There is a lot of work to be done but if thats what you both want then it is possible i believe. Not easy but possible

Mrs M - do you think he is still seeing her?

well his behaviour this year has been moody, standoffish, confrontational and unaffectionate.
This weekend he ahs been completely the opposite & 120% effort.
I believe hes in a meeting - annoyed he couldnt tell me before going in.
She is there so late cos split up from husband about 4 mths ago & lives with parents with no life.

I would say that he is NOT cheating but I dont think hes putting as much effort in as he could do. Lets see how annoyed he is when he phones as I expect he'll think I deliberatly phoned to speak to her.
she couldnt get off the phone quick enough though. she couldnt have known it was me at first otherwise dont think shed have told me her name. Thought I was amazingly calm considering. I just said "oh is DH there" and continued to sound almost friendly.
didnt feel it though

Mrsmiggins, you are being way too acommodating and way too nice. I hate to say it but it does sound like he is still seeing her. Now its all out in the open and he still works with her it is easy to make the excuses to be around her, especially as you have not kicked up a fuss.

You need to get tough. You have to put down some ground rules. I know, becuase I am speaking from experience. I am on the verge of splitting my husband who is a liar, a cheat, abusive and yes, very arrogant. When I found out about his affair I tried to make it work at the beginning but found myself making all the effort. I had the added problem that he is actually very verbally abusive as well. In a way it makes it easier to hate him though. We have been going to relate for months now, and its been fantastic because it is helping me come to terms with the impending break up. If you can, do get him to come along to a session or two at least. That will give the counseller a perspective of things. I had some individual appointments and they were a wake up call for me, because she knew what he was like and could say things to me that would not have been able to have been said had he been there. I keep catching h in lies but now I have got to the stage where I don't care any more and I have switched off because I know what is inevitable.

My heart goes out to you because I remember your previous thread very well as I had a very strong feeling when reading it that he was up to know good. Just remember to not take any blame upon yourself - he has created this mess and if he wants to make amends he should be bending over backwards to fix things. I think you should give him some ultimatums because he sounds like a bully and the only way they can be dealt with is to stand up to them.

Good luck. x

I mean, up to 'no good'!

just had a rant on the phone at him
he left at 8pm
moaning that hes going to get in at 9.45 and gotta be back at work at 8am (which means 6am leaving)
Tough I said. If you hadnt slept with your collegue you could have stayed in a hotel tonight.

will see what counsellor says tomorrow but she doesnt really give advice which is what I need.

can my gut feeling be wrong that he has ended it?

he keeps laughing at things I say and I just want to punch him

I cannot believe you spoke to her - oh my goodness I would have frieked! how did you remain so calm?

If he is laughing at you then he is belittling you - how dare he, I feel like punching him for you. You are far too nice. This is so hard for you I KNOW, but you have to be strong he needs to know what it could lose - what a tosser!

MrsMiggins, your counsellor won't give you advice, but she/he should help you to understand what you really want to do, and come to terms with your feelings. I would try not to read too much into your dh's behaviour. One of the problems with the aftermath of affairs is that you start to read things into every little thing. Partly because you are not quite sure how they should behave anymore, and partly because you have got used to mistrusting both them, and also your own feelings. I found that it has taken a long time to relax in myself, let alone with my dh.

But on the other hand you do need some "quick wins" to make it feel worthwhile going forwards together at all. I think that I was just very stubborn - I wanted him to be the bad guy. But I also knew pretty early on that I didn't want to give up on our marriage.

You are in the really early days. Try to make sure that you eat, do your best to sleep (I had major problems getting to sleep for months). If there is anything that you find relaxing or enjoyable try to schedule that in too - you could make that one of your conditions.

Disbelief - I dont know how I stayed calm either - I was shaking.
I rang again an hour later & if she'd still been there I would have said something.
Fortunately she wasnt.

Nooka - I think you're right about misreading - for so long I've trusted my instincts only to be told I was paranoid. I do want to trust him & like I said, this weekend was nicer than been for months BUT its soooo hard knowing she's in the same room as him all day.
Just so tired of feeling shitty

MM how did you get on this evening?

hi Disbelief
Mon night was OK once he got home. I explained that he needs to be trying harder to gain my trust & not just carrying on as if nothing has changed.
Yesturday was meant to be seeing my counsellor but she didnt turn up. Got to work & rang DH upset - had put too much store on being able to off load my feelings & thoughts and make sense of it all. He was sympathetic of course but couldnt help feeling angry as most of my upset at the moment is his fault.
Anyway he rang later to say still had some work to do & I came off the phone feeling sh#t. So i rang his office phone number rather than his mobile & told him that in light of the current situation, being late yesturday & counsellor not turning up, I needed him home....so he left str away without complaining.

my DS told daddy that "mummy doesnt want you to go to work. it makes her sad now"
oh well - I dont believe in hiding emotions from my kids and if DH has to hear that, welll maybe it will make him realise that his actions affect all of us.

off to work now although considering calling in sick as just fed up

hope things are OK with you

just hang on in there, sounds like your doing well even though maybe you don't feel like you are.

how do you get over the sex issue?
we have done it since I found out but last night I couldnt - he woke me & Id been dreaming he'd been unfaithful again so I just couldnt do that.
He felt rejected (tough)
what about me?
I worry that I wont be able to get over any of it and I so want to cos I love him

MM you are doing really well, I know what you mean about the disapointment when the counseling got postphoned. When I made arrangements to first see the counsellor she cancelled twice due to illness and I was really upset about it as I was expecting the counselor to sort everything out. But in hindsight the wait was better as it gave me time to think about things more rationally.

We are going away together for the weekend so hopefully that will be nice for us, but when you cant get it out of your mind its so hard. I dont want to keep bringing it up now because there really is not much more that can be said except that he is very sorry and regretful and I need to know that all the time.

I was just shopping and was convinced I saw her but at the same time I think its me being paranoid I just was not sure though.

A friend told me from experience it takes approx two years to get over it. Two bloody years, well I suppose its better than never getting over it!

Is there no way that your DH could start looking for a new job? What did he say when you told him she answered the phone to you the other evening?

Kath4kids, how are you getting on?

he said he was glad I was civil but nothing else.
he isnt really saying anything and to be honest, when I have a go he is being ok about it all
I think he will talk if I bring it up or question it otherwise he's leaving it well alone

I felt better when he left when I asked and he seemed to understand why I needed him home

just feel very fed up
wish I wasnt at work - thinking of going home & just pottering round the house or having a long bath - something to make me feel relaxed
hardest thing is not being able to tell people - dont want people to know unless he left - but they must wonder why I look so tearful all the time....feel the few that do know umust be fed up of heAring me talk about it

Disbelief, every relationship is different. I think if your dh is committed to trying to make a go of things & is abjectly sorry for the pain and hurt he has caused you - it may work out.
My ex-H had an affair & I was willing to try and make our marriage work. Unfortunately, he could not give up his affair & after a year of trying to sort things our I got fed up and started divorce proceedings.
However, there are lots of couples who can get through this. Divorce is horrible & painful and I would say if there is any chance you think the two of you can rekindle what you once had - give it all you've got (as long as he is too).
Big hugs to you.

MM you are going through the most difficult time at the moment and it probably will get emotionally more difficult before it gets better. You've not got to the anger stage yet and i fully understand you wanting to try and keep this out at the moment. i was the same at the start all i could see was that my dh was in "crisis" not himself and although i was so angry inside at the start i felt it would be too destructive to let it out as I wanted to get us through this awful tauma for the sake of all the good years we'd had together without any problems. i'm so glad i did now as we are still together and closer.
My dh had an affair with a work colleague. fortunately they both moved on so the issue of him seeing her all the time was not there. it is now about 2 years since it all started and about a year since she was totally out of our lives. he took time (too long really and then |I did start to get mad)to completely stop seeing her. He stopped the sexual relationship immediately I found out but he still met her and emailed/ phoned and lied to me about it in many respects I found that the hardest thing when I found out as I thought by then we were trying to heal. However he finally came to his senses and completely severed all ties with her and worked with me telling me all when she did try and contact him. Even now he knows he has to keep reassuring me he knows he made the mess now he has to work hard at putting it all right again. try reading "After the Affair" by Mary (or Julia?) Cole (certain of surname) you can get it from most proper book shops it helped us both as it tackles all the mixed emotions and explains a bit how "he" is feeling why he's behaving as he does.
s for the sex thing- it still hurts at times images come into your head I've learned to push them away- he's with m,e now, he wantrs to be here I'm not going to let her in- type thing!One thought that helped me from my counsellor when I was getting help- it may help you- and if you do ever speak to her about it it hurts to say it to her.he may have been unfaithful to you for x months but (assuming you were still all ok in your sex life as we were) he was NEVER faithful to HER!
I met her face to face - I was civil but firm and honest (something she and he had forgotten how to be)I wanted to bring reality into it- it's easy to know someone has a wife and kids and continue this fantasy relationship, when they are just a name or a photo but when they are there in front of you, not giving you any reason to hate them- then the fantasy gets harder to sustain! I felt so much better as I was taking control and I was making me a huge part of the equasion. It's awful at the start because you feel a complete stranger is turning your life upsidedown and you've never even met them how dare they? Time does help, keep in there don't give up on your marriage IF you want to make a go of it. However make hin feel your pain and share the healing if he truely wants to make a go of it. he will have to start talking- it took my dh a while to do so but when he did we moved on. You don't get over it but you do "come to terms with it" and live with it.

hi just wanted to let you know that i am here too.I will give you support.my husband had an affair with the girl next door.She pretended to be my friend and while it was going on asking she was asking me about my sex life (seeing if he was saving hisself for her i suppose), inviting us for b.b.q 's you name it.I am on my own as my dh can't come back at moment but we are working through it and want to be together.I still have to see the bitch every day and it hurts like mad.i am 2 months on from finding out.
Can you not turn up at his office looking bloody sexy andb meet him for lunch.Show her she hasn't won.
A couple of times i have had to stop sex mid through because of flash backs and this is normal

www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_n4_v31/ai_20845729

sorry had to copy and paste (can't do links)but read this it is really interesting and helped

his office is over 90 miles away so with 2 kids & a part-time job, I just cannot turn up to the office.
I think Maturer that that is what DH is doing. I believe he does want to try & that the sexual part is over but he works with her FFS. 2 days after he told her he was staying with me, she was telling him how pleased she was etc, right things etc. What rubbish!
I have told him that I dont want him discussing anything private with her & it should be work discussions only but Im not so sure he understands that.

several people have now mentioned this book so I will go to town now & see if I can find it

thanks for your support
its only been 9 days and Im finding it so hard to deal.
I want to resume our sexual relationship but I find it hard. Im worried that if I dont, he will see it as rejection.

it does seem as if I am doing all the worrying about our marriage....even though he is being reassuring.

overdraft - cant find article using your cut/paste - what did you look for ?

ok the page wont work so go to page and in search type in Shattered vows .It is one of the free cover stories