Can't have baby, waited until he got divorced.

[Icelandic]

Have been with dp for over 5 yrs. When I met him he had separated for his wife for a year. He has been more or less living at mine since then. I made absolutely, anally clear that I needed to know that he was absolutely sure about the end of his marriage. During our courtship I urged him to go back to his wife and to have a long hard think that he was absolutely sure. He assured me he was sure. I really covered my back.

He was/is keen to have a family but wanted to wait until he was divorced because he is very proper about things like that.

His wife (knowing his feelings?) has refused to get divorced and they are still not divorced even now. (?)

I have been to see a gynae and have found out that I have started the menopause, my ovaries are no longer working, and I cannot have any more children (have dd, 13)

I am feeling fairly pissed off about this, to put it extremely mildly. We saw Toy Story 3 yesterday and I felt myself crying in a constant niagra falls fashion. I still feel washed out. We are planning to stay together forever etc, but I can't imagine not having a family with him. I had gone to stupid lengths about finding a childminder, keeping keen eye on local primary schools, not throwing out baggy, maternity suitable clothes.

Be kind, I know I have dd, but I met him when I was 36 and a half and never imagined we would not have a baby. The gynae reckoned the menopause started at 38.

Hmm, giving you the run-around for 5 years, and hiding behind his "christian morality"

Sorry, I don't buy it (from his point of view).

Give him an ultimatim, better for you and your kid, she's going into the teenage years (and that's a whole new bag! ;-) ), be there for her (I'm a single mum of a 19-year-old..).

re divorce - the Queen is head of the Church of England and three of her four children are divorced. She manages to cope with the embarassment . He is happy to be seperated but not divorced? He is happy to have a sexual relationship with you not not live together? Makes no sense

And his adult children , who presumably have sexual relationships themselves, cannot cope with the knowledge that their long separated parents have new partners????? Makes no sense

Are you sure that he is not still living with his wife and also keeps the flat? is he on the electoral roll there? if you do a credit check for him at his flat and at his wife's address, what comes up?

i think this is not about " religion" or keeping up appearances or his wifes feelings, its about money

he had some sort of major business/ financial disaster

he put all his assets in his wife's name

he doesn't want a divorce because all the marital assets would then be divided

he doesn't own a property, only rents, despite having a well paid job

he is due an inheritance but he plans to give it all directly to his wife

i think he is in serious debt, perhaps is bankrupt. he is worried the inheritance will go to his creditors and plans to avoid this . I'm not an expert but AFAIK that's illegal. If the solicitor colludes with this he is committing an offence

and why would the letter come to your address when you are not living together? You have to provide lawyers with proof of your address before they take you on as a client

Icelandic - so much of your story doesnt stack up. like others, i think you have been lied to rather than are lying.

what do your friends and family think of your relationship? and all his friends/family/colleagues? (presumably you are allowed to meet them?) what does your best friend say about him?

Someone mentioned narcissist - certainly a hallmark of narcissism is being unable to bear shame which sounds like a part of this man's personality.

Pag the business thing could be true, acquaintance of mine was destroyed around that time, his business was property. Prices crashed and he was stung for Lloyds losses. Went bankrupt (got rich again in the recent property bubble but that's another story).

Thing is Icelandic - you don't know the truth here and you will probably never know it - although actually the wife might be your best bet to find it out. She might even be quite happy to talk to you - he's kept you away through his fear and manipulation. I'd be very surprised if she's all the things he has made her out to be. You've been perfect for him in this in that you were a person who didn't want to know about his divorce and kept out of it, for the right reasons, but he used this for the wrong ones.

Anyway, he's clearly a bad bad egg and this calling you up all the time, bringing you stuff, I'd bet it's more about control than love. I think you might be happier in the long run if you find the power to walk away. I'm afraid you may well have to witness him having a baby with a younger woman at some point if you stay living in the vicinity but you will still be better off without him.

absolutely agree, kristina

I wonder if Op has shown him this thread yet, she was certainly planning to

Ok , this has touched a nerve , do you mind saying roughly what part of the country you are in for obvious reasons ?

I ask as although i refer to my EH , he isnt quite that yet , we are not yet divorced as he has dragged and dragged , not returned paperwork , and he cant be MADE to either despite costing me thousands. He tells everyone its me causing the delay because i wont let go ( snort ).

My dd , of the age you describe called in on her dad without prior warning. She was kept at the door but was of course aware of a woman hiding in the kitchen.

We are all aware of a womans existance although he keeps her secret and totally seperate from the dcs . Ive often wondered why she puts up with it.

My Eh pretends to be religious when hes not and uses this to excuse a range of things ( when it suits ). His favourite response when challenged is " I have no choice ".

He tells everyone who will listen that i was shit in bed and all i did was " lie there " and that he made the choice to leave ect because i was cold and frigid.

He claims i am delicate , unstable and mustnt be upset and still refers to me as his wife. Note i refer to him as my EH.

He tells horrific lies ( fantastic business ventures that sadly failed ) and has on occasion been known to produce letters that apear to back this up. These have been left around on occasion for people to " stumble across ".

Now that my heart has stopped pounding , i think theres a few things that youve said that possibly dont apply to me making the connection perhaps more unlikeley ( unless i just dont know ). Be aware though, my EH is a narcissist , ( and hes had a vasectomy ) they sound very similar , they are masters at deception and making you see what they want you to see.

He has three daughters who are no longer teenagers. Not prepared to say which part of the country. I have seen a solicitor's letter saying that the wife was the one holding up the divorce so I don't think I can be your EH's other woman.

I did say (to Fellatio, I think) that all information I have about his wife I have from him, so I take it with a bit of salt.

And my dp is definitely paying the legal costs for his divorce.

So, I don't think it can be the same person.

Now that really would have been odd.

Doesn't this just go to show how many shitheads like that there are out there?

It's really despairing, isn't it, SGB? As a mum of both a son and two daughters, it gives me a lot of food for thought. I don't mind if my children chose not to have children themselves of their own accord, but hopefully it won't be because they've taken up with some manipulative twunt who lies and lies.

I've known so many women who fell for this it's scary, especially when it's perfectly possible to have a child on your own or find a gay man or couple who are interested in co-parenting.

Just another thought about the CofE and divorce.

My ex(bastard)-fiance is divorced - and a vicar. His divorce happened when he was the vicar of the parish where he is now. He is still vicar and has remarried.

So, I think he is over-egging it about the church and divorce.

Hope the info helps

There seems to be a significant relationship issue here that other MNs have already provided sound advice and comments on. I just want to add something about the fertility issue. I was diagnosed as early menopause at 37 and thought that was it for my dreams of a family. Luckily I adjusted to the idea of donor egg IVF quickly and had the money to go abroad where the waiting lists are shorter (approx 6months) and success rates are very high because the donors tend to be young. My clinic cost 5800euros but there are some that start at 3600 for treatment. I now have a DD 7months and 2 other people I know who had given up were inspired by my story to go for DEIVF and both have twins! Oh - and my partner was going through a divorce when I met him and I had to have "the chat" with him about trying now for a child due to my age before he was really ready - so I empathise with your position.

Icelandic - you've gone very quiet. How are you? All this being made to face up to unpleasant truths about your man must be hurting alot. Are you ok?

Bump

Icelandic posted an update here

Not sure what to say really ...

Reading this is excruciating for me... how much worse it must be for Icelandic! She did ask for us to "be gentle" in her op.

Are you okay, Icelandic?