Can't have baby, waited until he got divorced.

[Icelandic]

Have been with dp for over 5 yrs. When I met him he had separated for his wife for a year. He has been more or less living at mine since then. I made absolutely, anally clear that I needed to know that he was absolutely sure about the end of his marriage. During our courtship I urged him to go back to his wife and to have a long hard think that he was absolutely sure. He assured me he was sure. I really covered my back.

He was/is keen to have a family but wanted to wait until he was divorced because he is very proper about things like that.

His wife (knowing his feelings?) has refused to get divorced and they are still not divorced even now. (?)

I have been to see a gynae and have found out that I have started the menopause, my ovaries are no longer working, and I cannot have any more children (have dd, 13)

I am feeling fairly pissed off about this, to put it extremely mildly. We saw Toy Story 3 yesterday and I felt myself crying in a constant niagra falls fashion. I still feel washed out. We are planning to stay together forever etc, but I can't imagine not having a family with him. I had gone to stupid lengths about finding a childminder, keeping keen eye on local primary schools, not throwing out baggy, maternity suitable clothes.

Be kind, I know I have dd, but I met him when I was 36 and a half and never imagined we would not have a baby. The gynae reckoned the menopause started at 38.

Hi Icelandic. Im sorry to hear what you are going through.

I dont have much time as have to go out soon, so just a quick reply.

I know you must be feeling sad about not having children of your own and naturally you are grieving.

Are you sure that your DP wants children? And has he got other children of his own? If so, then why dont you consider adoption as an alternative. I know a few couples in their 40s who could not have children of their own and have adopted instead.

One couple have just recently adopted a 2 year old and they are very happy.

What Im trying to say, is that it doesnt mean your chances of having a family have ended, just that you may have to do things a different way.

Good luck

Thankyou single, I didn't make myself clear. I have one dd, and I AM incredibly grateful because I am going to stay with him and I just assumed... as you do... happy ever after... little baby ice with us as mum and dad. He has 3 dd.

Sorry to hear this, it's miserable for you. DOn't be ashamed of feeling sad and angry, but try to avoid looking for someone to blame (ie deciding that it's your H's XW's fault for not divorcing him). It's shit bad luck and it is going to hurt, but the pain will ease and, as SIG suggests, you might want to consider other options in the future.

Thank you sgb. We are not going to adopt. You correctly picked up on my suspicion that his WIFE, not EX-WIFE, has a vested interest in him not having any new babies to support. If HE had not been so proper, gynae says I would have been able to conceive for the first 2 years of our relationship.

I had imagined, up until June this year, that we would be creating and loving and spoiling a mixture of the two of us. I also feel a bit stupid for planning the childminder, etc.

NOTICE TO ALL; DON'T WAIT.

He put off having children with you for 5 years when you were in your late 30s? And the reason for this was his ex-wife's refusal to sign some papers?

Ouch.

Why did you assume you'd still be fertile at 41?

I'm sorry about your situation, it must be heartbreaking.

I'm sorry to say it, but his decision to hold off having children with you was HIS decision. I don't think you can blame his ex-wife. Likewise, he could've divorced her by now if he was really determined.

I'm assuming she doesn't have him over a barrel with access or something, though.

And truly, I'm really sorry for your situation. Is IVF/donor eggs a possibility? Or a surrogate?

sorry you are going through this. i appreciate how devastating this news is. try not to aportion blame. your parner made he decision not have a child unil he was divorced. his wife didn't make him decide that so i think your anger is misdirected but i can understand how it is easier to blame her than the man you are with (not that your menopause is his fault).

I thought the rules had now changed and you didn't have to wait 5 years if only 1 party wants to get divorced?
Agree it's not his wife's fault. He could have speeded things up, you could have pushed him, you could have had kids anyway if he wanted them.
It's a shame you can't have more, but we have 4 kids between us from previous relationships and find that is plenty, particularly as they get older and more expensive.

Skidoodly, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY His mother had her youngest at 42 and for this reason it didn't occur to him that there would be a problem. It is so annoying because there is nothing I can do now, but there was something we could have done then. He says they haven't reached their financial settlement and that is why they are not yet divorced. I made a conscious decision a long time ago not to look for details of the divorce (I assumed that 2 years' separation would do it) in order to protect my self and keep my distance, so I have just tried to ignore it.

I am heartbroken, actually, and I also feel blameful. I told the gynae that I Would be heartbroken if I didn't have dd, and I am trying to tell myself to pretend that that is entirely true until I get used to it.

I am going out now, back later, and thankyou.

It was perfectly reasonable to assume you'd be able to have a baby into your 40s; dd was born when I was 41 and I had about another 8 years before I hit the menopause (and I thought it was early - my mum's happened at 54).

I am really sorry for your situation.

It is not reasonable to assume you'll be able to have a baby in your 40s. It's reasonble to hope you might, but not to take it for granted. Most women have declining fertility a long time before they hit menopause.

Sorry you're upset. Think you should count your positives, between you, you have been blessed with four children and after relationships with other people have failed you have found each other and are happy.

Thought you could get a divorce after five years apart even if other party disagreed? Sounds like they are still working on the settlement which is only fair as he has three children and possibly an ex-wife to make provision for.

Six years (including the year he was separated before meeting you) is one hell of a long time to drag out a divorce. It's 5 years if you go for no-fault separation with only one party willing, I think. But he's already had those five years and then a bit more. XH was totally unwilling to divorce and we were even living under the same roof (such fun that was - not), but I got it done and dusted in 2 years on unreasonable behaviour grounds. All I can think is that DP and STBXW must have a very complicated financial situation.

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It sounds as though hearing about the change in your fertility has happened recently. As with any other sadness you need time to grieve and that of course includes being angry. Take the time. Don't push yourself. There are other options however to have a chld together and even a baby. Some of these have already been mentioned. One of these options might be right for you. Really feel for you right now though.

Really sorry to hear about this, it sounds so upsetting.

I do have to say though, that even though your gynae said that you may have been able to conceive in the first couple of years after meeting him, you cannot know that for sure. That is only a 1 1/2 gap between you meeting him and the estimate when you started the menopause, when women are generally less fertile anyway.

Try not to get caught up in the blame game, it is truly poisonous for a relationship.

Sorry to hear this, it must be very upsetting for you.
Although if I am honest although it is not a blame game, his wife is least to blame.
I can see your dp's point of view that it would not be ideal to have had children while he is married to someone else, frankly it wouldn't have been; BUT sometimes chances must be taken.
It's sad that this has happened but there's no point apportioning blame.

Ithink you need to find out if your DP really does want more children. It sounds to me like he doesn't and has just been stalling on this until you both ran out of time. I'm sorry if this is hurtful but that's what it sounds like to me

if he was happy to live with you while still married i dont see why you had to wait to have a family together

if you are now thinking of adoption or assisted conception treatment, you BOTH need to be really committed to the process and to each other. they are VERY stressful on a relationship

if you ARE thinking of adoption they he needs to get the divorce concluded asap. i dont think any agency will assess a married man and his girlfriend as a couple for a baby/toddler

Five years does seem a heck of a long time to get a divorce though.

KristinaM, he has his own house so he doesn't officially live with me. He is C of E, which seems to mean shag but not openly live with or have (illegitimate) kids with. He did want 'children', and continually cites his mother who had his bro during her menopause at 42; I think he just assumed (italics) that we would do the same.

I take your points about not blaming her. We could have just not used contraception and anyway, at the time, I assumed they would be divorced after 2 years' separation. He told me yesterday that after he got together with me, she decided she wanted him back (I have no idea to what extent, nor her words) and he felt he had to be fair to everyone. This is fairly opaque to me.

But, at the end, it doesn't affect my fertility, so, .

You are all right to say that he should have got on with ttc, given I was 35 when we met, and especially given I would prefer to/ would have prefered to have been a mother in my late thirties rather than early (or late) forties.

Marantha, they have been separated for over 6 years. This bald fact written in black and white is riling me. I was determined to keep myself away from 'somebody elses' divorce, for my own sake but I am beginning to feel a bit of a fool.

Anniegetyourgun, what did you do? Are you allowed to get divorced without a financial settlement? He has no assets (no house), and that is the only significant factor in his finances. Would this delay a divorce for 6 years, and if so, for how long, because he is not going to conjure up a load of capital just like that? When I ask him, he just says, 'financial settlement', and I am determined not to look like a grasping second wife/scenario, and also, in some ways I just don't want to know, don't want it taking up space for worrying in my skull.

Toy Story 3 really didn't help.

I am glad I am on here because it would be difficult to talk about in real life, which I haven't, because I feel like a stupid middle-aged woman who has just realised that premature infertility does not only happen to other people. If any of you were sitting in my kitchen I would be bloody grumpy and bloody negative about your helpful suggestions, unless you could magic me pregnant, which you probably wouldn't be able to do. You would be looking for an excuse to leave.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I do actually feel quite foolish. I could have insisted at 36 or 37. I could have shown him very very basic information from any health organisation to drum it into him that after 35 fertility drops a significant amount. Bugger.

I'd find it worrying, tbh, that after 6 years together the conversation about why the divorce is taking so long isn't happening in an easy and open manner.

Shouldn't this just be something you would discuss? Just as a matter of course?

I'm afraid that that along with him not living with you and putting off having a baby (whilst claiming its what he wants) makes him sound rather uncomitted.

Do you think its possible he just says what you want to hear in order to keep this convenient relationship ticking along?

I'm so sorry you're going through this - as everyone has said, it must be so hard and I can also understand how easy it is to feel blameful.

As an aside, I'm interested to note everyone saying five years is a long time to get a divorce, as one of my best friends is in a very similar situation. She has been with her partner now for six years, with him having separated from his previous wife one year previously. She is 33 and desperate to get married and have children but he keeps putting it off, saying "When I get divorced" ... the only problem being it's been six years and he's made no attempt to get things moving. The added complication is that six years down the line, his ex-wife and children still don't know my friend exists - their relationship is still a secret. While I'm trying to be supportive, I sometimes worry my friend is being taken for a fool - she "daren't bring up the question of divorce" for instance.

Anyway, apologies OP, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I hope you and your DP manage to work through this together.

Ah. I think I see soemthing here.

He doesn't want to be divorced. He sounds stuck between being with you, but accepting his marriage has failed.

Why don't you say to him 'I am no longer using contraception - it's up to you now'? Would the condoms come out or he gets the snip? (assuming you're in charge of the contraception at the moment)

But I think he might have a big block about being a divorced man. And he does sound like he's having his cake and eating it tbh - not even living with you after all this time says to me he's not terribly willing to make a commitment. I don't buy the religious excuse because I don't think there's a bit of the bible or CofE canon that says 'thou may shag but not co-habit until thy divorce is through, so sayeth the word of the lord'.

As a friend, Viv, I'd tell her point blank at every turn she's being taken for a fool, and that no one can tell you for a fool unless you let them.