ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

Waves to all........

Getting, I think it sounds like you are just processing some stuff emotionally & that usually gives us a bit of clearer insight. I think the concept of "share of the responsibility" is an interesting one. I remember going to my counsellor years ago & he said "you are 50% responsible for everything that's in your marriage". My defences went up at this statement & I thought how the f**k was I 50% responsible for xh's behaviour?? It took me time to realise that I misintrepreted the comment. We are never responsible for anyone else's behaviour but if there is something in our marriage that causes us pain etc then we have 50% responsibility to sort it out. My "blame" or "fault" for want of better words, in my marriage were that I constantly put up with behaviour that I shouldn't have & therefore I didn't take care of my own needs in the marriage which was my responsibility. I think unfortunately in a lot of cases you have one person in the marriage that does too much & the other does too little!

I think unfortunately in a lot of cases you have one person in the marriage that does too much & the other does too little!

I can relate to that statement a lot.

Getting I too was badly behaved at times, however I tried so so hard to be better and I don't think my H noticed either. It is good that you're processing all this stuff, it's painful but it is good that you're considering and thinking. I did this a lot back in May/ June time. It often happened when I was driving that the thoughts would begin. Hope today has been ok?

That book sounds good Starting. I think I brought a lot of Daddy issues into the marriage to be fair thinking back. I think part of the reason I am scared to date, is I have dated one man after another who was a twunt and then I met H and thought he was so kind, gentle etc and I always thought he'd take care of me and then he hurt me worse than all my previous boyfriends. So I think I'm afraid I'll choose another loser.

I need to study and shouldn't really be on mumsnet Thank you for all your kind words last night ladies. Feeling a little better today

Tea, glad you're feeling a bit better today, you should still go & get a check up though

I've read a lot of books etc about patterns in relationships etc & so far from what I've read that one is v v good. The good news about future dating though is that once we've given ourselves time to heal & have recognised the patterns we are able to change them.

I was actually the opposite in that everyone I dated before xh was v v nice & treated me great but I USED TO GET BORED! XH was complete opposite to anyone I'd ever met & even though I never got bored with him & loved him more then I ever loved anyone before HE SHATTERED MY HEART! But I now recognise I had major undealt with issues from childhood & can see how being with xh has given me an opportunity to deal with them. So in a way the thing in my life that caused me the most pain (XH) has also brought me the most freedom! Norm is in fact like the nice guys I used to date but I hope to christ I am now able to appreciate someone like him & that boredom won't drive me to someone like xh again! Tbc.......

Waves to all

Hello

I am still here, not been keeping up AT ALL with the thread, but I am popping in to say hi!!!

the past few days have been really and truly horrible.

thank goodness for my parents .... right now i am tentatively popping my head out of the other side, i think the storm has passed now (fingers crossed) and i will be back to my normal self again soon!!!

hello and huge huge hugs to all dumplings

Waves to AB i hope you have found some peace after ur weekend x
Startin' I agree i always found the nice ones dull and my X was the only real long term relationship i have ever had and I truly married for life[i thought]anyway has forced me to look long and hard at myself and what was missing b4 ,guess it shows me that love was indeed blind when it came to my own happiness and next time i will be more aware of negative patterns and jump out if i ever get neglected again .All about self esteem on my part and accepting the unacceptable ,taking time to sort myself out is a gift instead of struggling through the rest of my life unhappy and unloved x

Thats a great point starting my xh "forced" me into getting therapy and deal with my childhood stuff so yes a long term good has come out of that and yes a huge chip lifted from my heart about that even though its undergoing a short term battering from him.

Struggling through the rest of my life unhappy and unloved , likewise Patience . We will blossom and bloom though in good time.

My hormones have raged today dont normally suffer like this even fell out with ds which takes some doing.

Will be better tomorrow I know it

Lots of hugs and good vibes to all

F**k wasn't thinking straight. Just realised I've outed myself in the extreme! Will have to get that removed!!!!!

Greetings from Manhattan where it's only 10pm. So good to put some real physical distance between me and xp knowing that he should be gone by the time I get back. Older DCs have banned his name from being mentioned. Had a few wobbles as the last time I was here was with xp at the height of the affair. Remember him buying her some perfume and places we went when all the time he was thinking of her. It will be good to create some new memories of my favourite city to replace the ones which turned out to be lies. Hoping to see a show tomorrow.

I agree about looking for a pattern in failed relationships although my 2 big break ups were totally different. I'd really like to know how to get it right for next time. I have decided to get some counselling when I get home. But for the next few days I'm going to have some fun .

So of you LC have a great time.

I'm about but should be either studying or packing as I'm going camping this weekend.

LC, oh am also about you're trip to Manhattan. Hope you get plenty of time for shopping . Counselling on your return sounds like a good plan.

Getting, am present & accounted for

Tea, good luck with the study & hope you have a great weekend.

Sorry about above had posted something funny about ds but only realised afterwards that the link identified exactly where I'm located!

Armbow, don't know if you saw my message before it was deleted but had also sent you much virtual support & ((Hugs)). Hope you feel more positive soon. Take care.

Waves to all........

Back again! Typing one handed as waiting for nails to dry. Forgot to say earlier that I went xmas shopping today! Our main toy store has a sale atm & decided I may aswell save ££ & start getting stuff for younger two as I more or less know what they'll be looking for! Eldest dd is not so predictable however . Gave me a real happy feeling!

Also am going on a date with Norm again tonight to a charity function where he wants to introduce me to his pals!

Ooo you lucky thing Starting. Enjoy this evening. If I had the funds I'd buy stuff early. Livig hand to mouth though right now, for the first time in a long time I filled my petrol tank to the top for my weekend away today. Ouch.

Starting I hope you are wearing one of your fancy dresses , have a great time

Tea where are you going camping ? I hope the forecast is good , cant say I am a happy camper !

Just doing the Cornwall photo montage with dd so bringing back lots of nice memories,not quite Manhattan though LC

AB hope you are emerging from the fog your parents sound really supportive which is great.

Patience where have you got to its not like you to vanish

Waves to Happy,Sov,Chairmum,Mumfun and all lurkers

My tent is fairly big it's an outwell montana 6 and you can stand up in it. It is lovely. I have all the necessary camping bits like the table and chairs and little fairy lights that hang along the ceiling. Haven't been camping since DD was 10 months old, so it shall be interesting to say the least. Meeting my brother and his wife there, who are taking their caravan, so they'll help me pitch the tent, whilst their 4 DCs who are teenagers watch my kiddies. DD will love hanging out with her cousins this weekend and they dote on he,r whilst I drink wine relax with my brother and SIL Its Swanage we're heading to. So hope to go on steam train with her whilst there, she'll love it. DS hopefully will as well I think I need to accept the fact I'll probably get no sleep as both DCs like their home comforts and will wake lots from being in a tent but hopefully it'll be worth it and it'll be the first time I've been away this year.

Of course tonight I'm feeling dodgy again, exactly when I should be packing now they're asleep. I'll go to the GP on Monday if I'm still feeling rubbish. I've probably got low iron or something, I haven't taken good care of myself since separation and have lived on too much coffee and not enough fruit and veg

This message is probably full of typos as I feel mega tired, hopefully you can translate

Not AWOL just a busy few days trying to sort some bits out ,have a great weekend Tea ,might have to sign for property without viewing it ,IS THIS MAD ?Just running out of time and tenant wont let anyone in til she leaves in OCT but i need to be out in OCT.Thought i would speak to the agent tomorrow ,nice house ,nice part of town suit us down to the ground ,but all sort of mental .
Anyway posted this yesterday but lost it .Learned it at Tai Chi its called 3 line relaxation.Stand with your feet together or shoulder width apart whatever is more comfortable.Close your eyes if you feel safe and focus on your breath ,but stay relaxed.Imagine water running down the front of your face and body like in a shower ,feel it wash away all your stress and negativity,visualise the water running over the crown of your head and let it cleanse you,allow the water to run down the back of your head ,neck and back. Feel your legs get heavy and grow roots into the ground,relax your face relax your muscles and relax your skin,feel your arms get long and drop down away from your neck and shoulders,imagine you have weights on your finger tips.Just allow yourself to grow heavy and take time out ,detatch from reality ,takes about 5mins but allows you to chill out anywhere at anytime when things overwhelm you.

Hello everybody

I'm about just been really tired the last few days, going to get an early night and hope tomorrows better cause my house needs a bloody good cleaning (kids do not know how to clean up after themselves)

Relaxation technique sounds good Patience might just try that :)

Tea have a great weekend, hope the weathers fab for you

Starting have a brilliant evening with norm :o

Getting hope the hormones have calmed down and your feeling fabulous again

LC what can i say enjoy it for all of us :o

Waves to everyone else

Hi all been lurking but not somewhere easy to post for a few days

Have skimmed thread but not read fully

Tea, enjoy your camping - I love it!

Patience - the thing you just posted sounds interesting will give it a try

Getting, the post you did about your H really rang true with me. There really do seem to be a lot of similarities between our situations

Waves to AB, LC, Starting and all Dumplings wherever they may be

Honestly it is dead simple just imagine you are in the shower and the water running over ,your face head and back,you can do it in the shower but dont lose your balance .I think Startin's showing all the signs of being loved up by the way LOL either that or dementia x
Can i have opinions on my mental house lease plan please is it crazy to sign for a house i have only viewed online ,i think so but have a kind of fuck it attitude, but obviously wanted to check out the energies man!Will try and put a "turn on my heel"clause into the paperwork and scrub "f**K "out of the place when i get it ,i dunno it just seems right to me but not a tremendously clever idea IYSWIM.

i signed a lease with the council many years ago without viewing simply because i had no choice in wether i took it or not but otherwise i wouldn't sign without looking first

How long is the tenancy for? if it's a year could you maybe ask them for a 6 month tenancy instead and if you dont like it then you've bought enough time to look elsewhere without being tied in for so long

tbh dont think the estate agent should have advertised it if it cant be viewed yet and not trying to scare you or anything but my mum has just rented a new property and when she viewed it she thought it was great but the day she moved in she discovered the previous tenants had maliciously trashed the place, just for the hell of it, would hate for you to take the place without viewing only for it to be in a very bad condition when you have to move into it....what date is the tenant moving and when do you have to move? if theres an overlay then see if you can get a viewing as soon as she's gone

I know Sov that is the sensible thing to do ,had appointment arranged a fortnight ago but all fell thru because of tenant.I too got flat years ago and i was just handed the key ,if i had turned it down i would have had nowhere to go ,so i think i have the choice of this property and in theory it ticks all the boxes its just an arsey tennant.I had bloody troops of people thru my house this summer ffs !Anyway i guess i just want something in writing now ,i am running out of time and dont want to go into homeless accomodation and then get allocated a house somewhere i would rather not be ,not really in a place to choose ,this has a garden for the kids ,central heating and DG so a complete change for us and still quite rural ,oh fuck it im doing it ,to good to miss .Everything else is flats going and some landlords wont take HB so i dont have a lot of choice.DS would go mad in a flat and so would my dog so ive made up my mind TBC

Patience, can you get a clause written in that landlord will fix any damage to property or damaged items etc within a wk or so of tennant moving out?? If you can, I'd go ahead with it. It ticks all the boxes for you & I think your prob right that it's a good opportunity for you.

Sov, great to see you back. My dc's aren't great on the whole cleaning up business either .

Tea, really sorry to hear that things are so hard for you financially atm. It doesn't seem fair to have that to deal with on top of everything else. Hope things pick up for you soon. Your tent sounds tempting even to me that is allergic to camping! Can you bring that along if we go on a group dumpling camping trip next year & can I please be your guest . Great that you'll be in good company. Hope you have a fab trip

Getting, charity event was more a casual affair so dresses remained in wardrope. I did however make sure I was looking suitably stunning to create a good impression with Norm's friends ! Great that you are now creating new memories with dc's .

Well onto me & update on Norm . Patience I know you said this in jest "I think Startin's showing all the signs of being loved up by the way LOL either that or dementia x", well I have to confess that something I never in a million years expected to happen seems to be happening! Norm has been completely smitten from day1 I think & tonight when I looked at him something deep within me stirred! My stomach did a belly flip the min I saw him & what scared me is it wasn't lust but I am actually developing serious feelings for him!! There I've said it out! Can't actually believe it but I really really like him. He's just absolutely lovely, so respectful, kind, great fun & just a really nice person. Obviously it's v early days & I'm v restricted in trying to get to see him with dc's & he's the same as he has dd every 2nd day & every 2nd w'end, and of course it could all come to an abrupt end, who knows BUT it's v exciting & scary at the same time! TBC........

OMG just read that back & I do sound like I'm loved up lol !

Waves to all...