ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

LC he didnt do lap dancing clubs he thought that was dis respectful LOL!What a great guy eh

Sov, x post. I used to have terrible flashbacks too & awful nightmares. I think it's the brain's way of healing from the trauma. They always try & put the blame on us for their twuntery so I wouldn't take that on board for a second. If your x was unhappy in the relationship he had a responsibility to discuss that with you & come up with solutions to fix it. Not walk away from you & dc's!

Starting I am so sorry I thought the now on the end was new der ! What have you told Norm about exh ? I suppose if its likely to turn into a relationship then you will have to say something but why worry its exh who is the twunt not you Starting.

LC I understand and was raging on here on only friday at my exh outrageous suggestion that he and I had separated as opposed to the fact he had an emotional affair then moved out. In fact I could quite easily go into apoplexy about it now because its just such obvious weakness and blame shifting behaviour. As Tea said logically who gives a toss what they say to other people we know whats what but logic doesnt always prevail does it. Also what enrages me is the fact that he obviously has convinced himself that that was what happened and its like I want to shake him and remind him of the truth. I can tell you these last few days have been the closest I have come to writing him and laying it out for him. But no serenity and detachment must come to the fore and I shall leave him to his own twattish views

Sov a few months after we amicably separated I started to have bad dreams featuring exh and it lasted a little while - sorry. However they did stop and yours will too.

Part of me envys dumplings who have been able to say no dc contact with ow no way. In my case I was able to decree it for the first 4 months. One day something cropped up and exh rang to say did I object to ow collecting ds from a football match as he couldnt. I decided in that moment to accept the inevitable and get her over with iyswim.She has been gradually involved more but once I established dc are ok with it I have had to learn to cope. Theres no doubt its added extra pain but I now feel that I had a more painful time but I have pulled the plaster off more quickly and hence overall will heal quicker. Apart from all that I dont want his over inflated ego thinking I cant bear her in their lives iyswim.

Well estate agent was fine -phew ! Doesnt think I will have any problem selling house so thats a relief. 2 more coming thursday see what they say.

Am going to dust off my book about my dream job later and read for an hour, I have a lot of catching up to do on my time sheet from last weeks meeting

Waves to all have a lovely day

Sov, sorry you haven't got any answers. I have only a tiny snippet of the truth and I waste hours filling in the gaps.

Getting, oh how I wish I'd had some serenity and detachment last night. Still, this time tomorrow I'll be in NYC with 3 twenty something year olds . I have given XP notice to be out by my return next week and if he isn't I will stay with my dd until he goes. So tired of it all.

OW will NEVER see my dc's again. Over my dead body. As she is a family friend I have said to ds that if Dad ever takes him to see her he must tell him that he knows it's wrong, then tell me. The explanation I gave him was that she had gone a bit mad (which is true) and might try to say bad things to him. And I wouldn't put it past her! XP is so desperate to hide the truth he wouldn't risk my wrath. Grrr.

Starting, this is my second long term relationship. Eldest dc's are from my first (and only) marriage. Am I ever going to get it right? I'm 46 now.

Getting, glad the estate agent went ok. Hope you get a nice quick sale.

Patience, XP mixes with people who are in the night club trade and by default also knows people in the lap dancing business. OW's H used to manage a lap dancing club . I've met a couple of lap dancers and one is a really nice woman - single parent just out to make some money for her daughter. The other looks like a prim and proper librarian when not at work. But it's not my scene at all and one of the reasons that XP and I have had separate social lives. Live and let live and all that but I don't really approve.

And the more I write about XP the more I realise that he must sound like an awful person. Which is probably what he is.

LC, the more I hear about your x the more I think if he met mine they'd really hit it off ! I knew your x was second time around for you but you know what they say.....third time lucky!

Getting, glad you clarified that, I thought I was losing my marbles ! I've told Norm that it was a v difficult separation & that xh had some mental health issues, was a bit off the wall etc . Was slightly concerned that if I said he was a dangerous psychopath that he'd go running for the hills .

So your ex will definitely enjoy the errant-exes meet up at the lap dancing club, won't he? He needn't worry about transport as my x is quite happy to drink and drive as are many of his friends.

LC are you coming to the meet up at Getting towers on the 25th ? I hope so and not just cos I know you will bring cheese straws

Getting, I'm working on it but as it stands I'm working that weekend. Trying as we speak to get my shifts swapped (I'm not a lap dancer, I'm a nurse I might add). I'll do my level best. If I come I will bring cheese straws and shed loads of Cadbury chocolate .

LC fingers crossed then and will it be Cadburys or that sublime brand Cadburys bought a little while ago which has a butterscotch bar to die for

Do you mean G & B? Their white chocolate is nice too. Of course, I could also bring some plastic cheese or squeezy cheese in a tube (how could anyone??) given the big takeover earlier this year. Actually, I'm at the mercy of whatever is in the staff shop so it might be Easter eggs or something mad like that.

Toblerone is now part of the Cadbury set up now. Well, it's the other way round actually. Enough of these chocolate distractions!

I love Toblerone, reminds me of my childhood when Daddy used to bring it back for us, when he'd been abroad on business I do call him Dad now, just being wistful

LC sometimes your dead pan humour really makes me laugh. Despite what you're going through you have a wicked sense of humour. I laughed out loud at the "He needn't worry about transport as my x is quite happy to drink and drive as are many of his friends" I know there's a name for humour like that but it's slipped my mind Very funny.

Well LC believe this or not but my xh actually doesn't drink & I'd say he'll happily provide the transport if there's a lap dancing club on offer.

Really hope you can make the meet up! You'll certainly guarantee a few laughs .

This new course I'm doing on understanding children covers the effects of the parents breaking up on the children, bonding with them as babies etc. My guilt-o-meter is cranking up as I study Will I ever stop feeling bad about how it all effects the kids or how when DS screamed with colic for 10 weeks and he weasn't planned, affected my bonding with him? Gah!

Tea ? Sorry but werent you the one who fought for your marriage and is now at home doing your absolute best for your dc sending birthday cards to cbeebies weeks ahead ?

I thought so. Well what do you have to feel bad about ? Just keep being a great cake making ,park taking and everything else you do Mum and be proud not guilty.

Tea, now stop that. None of my 3 dc's were planned, I had to go back to work full time when dd was 6 weeks old and none have lived with their natural father beyond the age of 9. And they're all absolutely fabulous. In fact my eldest 2 are my best friends and I'm taking them to Manhattan tomorrow! I can't say that youngest ds is my best friend. You can't have abest friend who is only 9.

My humour might be described as dry, caustic or black. Or even sarcastic = lowest form of it. I'm actually very dull and quite shy in real life. Seriously.

wit not it of course

Tea, Getting & LC have put that so so well. We have done everything humanly possible for our dc's & deserve praise not to put ourselves down for stuff that was outside of our control.

I think you take the positives from the book Tea ,education is power and all that,did you ever look up Maria Montessori i love her philosophy re young children all about creating independent thinkers and letting kids work out problems with as little assistance from parents and teachers.They will find there way with consistency ,love and calmness.

Here, here Patience . I've got the love & consistency under control but admit I can struggle with the calmness.......I'm a work in progress

BTW if anyone is looking for a good book to read try "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. It had been recommended to me but I couldn't face it as the title put me off due to having absolutely no interest in getting any type of love for a long time . However I've started into it & it does seem to have some v good advice on why marriages fail, why we're attracted to the men we are, the influence of childhood issues & MOST ALARMINGLY WHY PEOPLE CAN END UP WITH A REPLICA OF DISGARDED X AGAIN! Worth a read for anyone interested but think we can all safely bypass last section of the book which is Ten Steps Toward a Conscious Marriage lol!

For anyone that's not a reader I'll undertake a study of it & make bullet points to bring to meet up .

Sorry guys been a bit busy and in a bit of emotional turmoil. Fabulosity is returning though gradually I think.

Today I hugged one tree and cycled for 30 mins in the rain - very cathartic. Need to catch up on thread properly

Waves to you all.....

Morning. Happy I liked the idea of cycling in the rain the dramatic image of a dumpling battling the elements

I hope its my hormones but I am a bit mouth upside down at the moment. Had an evening of thinking about all the different positive qualities xh had,the ways that he is still decent compared to so many of the men you read about on MN and worst of all my crimes in the marriage.

In the last 2 years of our marriage and since he told me he didnt love me you could write my bad behaviour on a postage stamp. Before that though I made a lot of mistakes and whilst a lot of them were reactions to the way I was treated by him I cant lay everything at that door.

I have noticed it never seems to be referred to , the ways we might have been badly behaved or take a share of the responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. Even weighing it all up I feel confident I have a clearish conscience because whatever issues xh had he could have opened his mouth at some point and told me how he felt and allowed us to try and save our marriage. The only time he did anything like that was to tell me how fat and disgusting I was and that he didnt love me but never any real grown up attempt at sorting things out. I accepted his criticisms and those concerning aspects of my personality and went for therapy and two years later came out a better person.

All that time I accepted the way he treated me and patiently waited for him to notice that I was a changed person but it never happened.He never seemed to look to himself for any of the reasons our marriage was rubbish and the rest is history.

Sorry this is a ramble but I am all over the place at 7am ffs !!

I am glad he left me because no matter where these thoughts take me I couldnt change what happened, he left knowing it wasnt what I wanted but there was nothing I could do and I dont have to wonder if I made a mistake leaving him.

Well I am stopping

Waves to all I am sure the day will get better