ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

Hey everyone

Have been lurking the last few days and seen everyones been up and down, it's reasurring for me and probably everyone on here to know that what we are feeling is perfectly normal and that we do all come out the other side, cant remember if it was on here or somewhere else but someone said there is light at the end of the tunnel, some twunt just keeps switching it off :)

I havent posted as i feel in awe of all of you and very under qualified to give any advice but i would just like you all to know that you all are never far from my thoughts and i am grateful that i have found you all and for all the support you have given me and indeed the support we give each other

AB, PATIENCE, i have read your posts of late and have found myself nodding in agreement and even wiping tears away as i cant believe that someone has made you feel that bad even though my XP is making me feel that bad

LC my XP would never drink drive with DC in the car (probably because i'd kill him if i found out) and never used to ever, but i have heard lately that this is what he is doing (drink driving)and it makes me so mad, really wish he would get caught

Have still heard nothing from XP and quite sadly DC have almost stopped asking for him :(, have spent the evening going through my FB pics and removing every trace of him, has left me feeling quite flat, but i have to admit not having any contact from him has been such a relief, im more relaxed and it's been great am thinking of gathering together old love letters and cards ect and getting rid of them RL friends are saying not to do it yet but i think letting go of the past may help me move forward, what's all your thoughts on this??

Hugs for everyone

I found deleting photos off fb, deleting his music from itunes here etc all very therapeutic. Photos are still all wrapped in brown paper in a cupboard though.

If you feel this would help you then do it. Maybe keep a few tucked somewhere for the DCs when older though for memories?

I'm out of my depth here as my 2 are still so young though. Starting et al will probably have better advice for you but sending you ((hugs))

Love letters and cards I say bin them all. Too too painful

AB, PATIENCE, i have read your posts of late and have found myself nodding in agreement and even wiping tears away as i cant believe that someone has made you feel that bad even though my XP is making me feel that bad

PMSL at that Sov i think it sums up this thread TBH
My advice re stuff is try not to do anything final on a bad day ,but i couldnt go near my wedding album yet least of all destroy it.I think if you ever come to Scotland we should all wear our wedding dresses ,just for a laff.Anyway i think its good for the kids to have a laff at mum and dads photos in 20yrs time ,hopefully by then i will be onto my 3rd husband and not even remember my 1st.

No disrespect meant to sov and ab just summed up the uniqueness of this thread and made me laff out loud this has been such a crazy week for me but highly recommend keeping your boundaries in place ,not giving out any negative vibes as it will all come back to you and make you feel worse and arranging a neutral place for dc handovers.We will all come thru this and be stronger and happier people,keep those chins up and tits out !!!

PMSL "hopefully by then i will be onto my 3rd husband and not even remember my 1st". Oh Patience, I love it, lol! You're such a witty gal . Would love to dress up in my wedding dress for a group meet lol!

Sov, I've taken down all photo's of xh around house & cleared all his stuff etc. When my dc's were really missing xh I pulled out a nice pic for each of them on their own with xh during happier times & stuck it up beside each of their beds. They worked really well for dc's when they were v upset & then they just took them down themselves over time. With regard to the love letters, cards etc I've kept all of these & tbh have no intention of throwing them out. They were given during happier times & I think capture a time before my marriage hit the rocks. I'd like to keep these as I think they would be lovely for dc's to see in the future. To me they are a record of a love that did once exist. Saying that I think everyone is individual so I would give it careful thought before you destroy anything. One of my friends ripped up her wedding album in the heat of the moment & really regretted it afterwards.

I think its dead romantic you all got love letters ,all i ever got was the odd dirty message in a birthday card LOL!Ah those were the days

Well box loads of love letters or the odd dirty message in a card makes no difference at the end of the day, they were still all twats

Morning!

Patience pmsl at idea of wedding dresses but I think you're onto something there..

Sov I am with Starting on the love letters etc and indeed have a stash in the loft covering my whole life . I suppose it depends on you but certainly as Patience says dont do any thing hasty. I actually made myself look through my entire wedding album a couple of weeks ago.Partly to get it over before my annivesary in October and also just an attempt at amateur pschology you know like aversion therapy or something. I was surprised at how I flicked through the album with sphinx like composure

Gradually over the months I took down photos and his stuff, in fact there are still bit and pieces of his around but it doesnt bother me tbh.

Well I am on a ROLL today have done most of my list already and arranged for the estate agents to come this week. Plus I have finished figures for exh tda tda ! Also he has agreed to juggle a bit and have dc for 4 days in October while I visit my Mum which I am really excited about. As luck would have it its our anniversary (which was he told me didnt love me etc yawn)on his weekend and so I have used that time to choose to go to Mums. Who knows how I will feel on the day but I didnt want to risk being here on my own brooding

Anyway phone ringing see you later

Went to Sol think we can still start proceedings in Jan 11 so its all good ,dont have to appear in court etc just all paperwork should be free by Easter .Cant make him try and sort himself out ,cant live with him unless he sorts himself out,he doesnt want to be with me anyway so that'll be a divorce then.

Hi all just quick check in. Got lot on at present but still reading not posting. AB - shock at him giving you more pain. Patience - sorry about extra stuff your going through but loving the 3rd (can I add much younger :))to that?

Things very calm here. DCs happy. Beginning new life as DD started school for first time -she is bouncing off without a look back. Love it! Have also a new business venture on horizon. More updates soon :)Getting on better with H -not sure what to say but something may happen longer term of it.

No chance of me fitting back in my wedding dress, I'm trying to sell it on ebay (when I remember to take better photos of it). Can't stand the thought of being in it I think as he lied about lots throughout the marriage, it hurts even looking back at the supposedly happy times. We were only married 5 years though. I think that's why I have got rid of nearly all traces of him here, it all feels so yucky as he lied to me so much in our marriage and nearly had affairs several times previously in our brief marriage, as well as all the porn I never knew about until recently.

Glad you had a productive day Getting. Good plan to stay with your mum in Oct.

Mumfun - lovely to hear about your DD enjoying school and business venture. Sounds like all is well

Morning everyone.

I just noticed glancing over last few posts you have changed your name Starting , am I bit slow and you did it ages ago ? Any reason? How are things going with Norm ?

Well Partyman has not got in touch with me so I think I can safely say now he isnt into me. The irony is on closer inspection and a change in mindset I could possibly have overcome my shag phobia and got back on the horse with him as I doubt much fitter etc will be offer to me .

The estate agent is coming later and 2 more on thursday so I need to get the house in order. I am quite anxious about what they will say about the market in general and what it will be valued at. Fingers crossed.

Had a lovely evening yesterday just watching tv with dc but it was so calm and nice.DD seems to have morphed into this adult since starting secondary school , last night she was listing off the things she needed to do in the morning like a little old woman . I am so proud of my lovely dc.

Anyway todays positive step is to sit and do some stuff on the pc ie learn to use it . I havent done in a single thing I am meant to have since my career appointment which was a week . So a fresh start today.

Probably speaking too soon but dont feel need for an emotional step today. Wtf

Patience why do you have to wait until January to divorce ?

AB hope you are starting to feel a little better now and your parents are giving you lots of tlc.

Mumfun ooh that sounds interesting , I dont know the history of your split so its hard to comment.

Tea I too think you should go to the docs if you keep getting headaches and take every chance to rest a bit - lots of CBeebies and Pizza.

Waves to LC, Chairmum,Happy,Sov and everyone else.

Have a good day

One yr separation Getting boxing day ,if X consents then it goes to court after that,should be done by Spring '11

It'll happen Getting when it happens ,i think we sort ourselves out first ,that's my plan anyway ,Spring 2011 sounds good to me.Going to get kids passports so we can do some fun travelling next year if i make any money ,just want to move away from my old life ,keep getting flashbacks in my head ,stuff that has been said that really hurt like his "friend"saying "What you need is a new woman " Just makes me cry someone could interfere so much in my life and be so cruel but then it was X that told me that WTF?Why did i ever need to hear it ....so all about his justification of new relationship rather than anything else ,wankers the lot of them .

Good morning all. I've started so many unfinished posts but deleted them as I'm sounding so negative right now. It's because I've stopped entertaining the ridiculous notion that XP and I might ever be reconciled. How could I have a relationship with someone who drink drives with his own child in the car? And his circle of friends which includes OW are all complete losers. They wouldn't look out of place in the bar scene in Star Wars and that's an insult to aliens. I have to face up to the fact that XP is a loser too. I've carried him for 14 years and I know I'll be better off without him but it's so hard to break away.

The thing that really eats away at me is that XP is spinning the story that it's me that has ended the relationship but completely refuses to admit to anyone that it's because of his infidelity. So I get the blame and he carries on with his sordid little secret. He is stll emotionally tangled up with OW but still that they are just friends. I think he honestly believes his own lies now. He's trying to rewrite history and that is so hurtful. That's what gets to me.

I'm so angry with myself for wasting 14 years on such a morally and emotionally bankrupt person. The 2 week holiday was fine because we didn't talk about our relationship, kept ourselves busy and he wouldn't dare step out of line and drink drive in front of me - I'd take the keys off him or phone the police. I didn't mention OW so he was relaxed and we were both happy, like the old times. But now that I've uncovered his other life and his true colours he doesn't like it. Unfortunately, the person he is with me is not the real him. The real him is just vile.

Sorry to ramble on. We had a melt down last night so this is the morning after the night before. But he'll be in the pub at lunchtime with the social misfits and I'll be anguishing over the fact that I lost my cool and screamed and ranted at him. Bastard.

Hope you're all doing better than me today.

Patience, my xp would get on with yours famously. They sound like they have the complete same mindset and similar friends.

Little Critter after I was sure my H and I were not going to work things out, I made sure I made it clear he'd been unfaithful. Not with "who" but just so people knew enough to see the bigger picture and not listen to his lies. He lied to joint friends for ages about the truth, luckily they realised what a crock of sh*t he was peddling soon enough, as more nonsense was uncovered over time. I suspect with his own friends, he probably exagerates what happened and passes some blame my way. I don't care though, losers like him

You can type whatever you want on this thread it doesn't all have to positive and upbeat. It's a support thread, we've all been there or are exactly where you are right now ((hugs))

Thanks tea, I hate being negative. I hate feeling negative. This thread is a life saver.

I've just had a flashback and remembered that XP asked OW to come to the house and cut ds's hair. She used to be a hairdresser. How could they do such a thing??? She cut his lovely curly hair (think Justin Timberlake in his curly years). She touched his head. I sat and watched then thanked her. Oh, I feel sick now.

Yep exactly the same LC i just didnt get to the truth of the pathalogical/schoolboy liar bit til very recently i just didnt want to believe it tbh,been in denial because i loved the bloke so much ,just nice to get compliments from other people now, it all helps to see im good enough and theres a future for me away from X.

Well if they thought like us, they wouldn't have had the affair I often think. My H's OW came to my childrens christening whilst shagging their father and stayed with us a few times last year and helped bath my children. Makes me hopping mad when I think back. How bloody dare she touch my children.

Oh tea, bathing is even worse. I think you mentioned that once before and it stuck in my mind. OW had loads of contact with all my dc's. We went on holiday together last year too. I feel like she has been trying to steal my whole life even though she has a H and dd of her own. Needless to say I have banned xp from allowing her to see ds ever again.

Patience, perhaps you and I could arrange a meet up for all these errant exes. Wouldn't that be amusing? It would of course take place in a seedy bar perhaps followed by a trip to a lap dancing club. There would be much back slapping and boasting. They would all have hellish hangovers the next day and not give one thought to who was caring for their children while they indulged themselves. They would then forget that it was their turn to "babysit" their own children and park them in front of the telly with a bag of sweets.

Yes H knows she isn't to have any contact with the DCs at all. However if they move in together, I won't get much of a say then if the DCs stay there over night. However that is a long way off, as he's just moved into a house share and is renting one room now.

It's all awful, every single one of our situations.

Morning all

Hope everyone's feeling better soon, our X's really dont deserve to breathe the same air as us and our DC's
I'm quite lucky in that no OW has reared their ugly heads so far but i am still very early days, only 9 weeks in,(god it feels so much longer than that) and am sure claims of it started after the split would be trotted out but not sure i would deal with it in a very ladylike manner if it did tbh, i can have quite a temper but it would also help everything make more sense to me too, still dont feel like i have been given a proper reason for XP ripping our lives to pieces [sigh]

LC - if i was in your position i would make sure everyone knew that it was because of him having an affair, you dont have to give names but why on earth should you be blamed for his mess and bring all the neagativity on here you want, better here than at home, am sure none of us mind, thats what we're here for

i keep getting flashbacks too, mainly in the form of dreams and i keep going over things in my head trying to figure out what i did wrong and what i could have done different....i know this is all down to him but since he said that if i'd tried harder in the relationship we wouldnt be doing this i'm questioning everything again and cant seem to stop, very frustrating

Mostly im quite enjoying not seeing or dealing with him, feel like my stress levels are right down, am making the most of it as i also feel this is the calm before the storm, XSIL told me he'd made a comment sunday about having to "pop" round and see DC, grr made me so mad and i just reminded her he's not to come here or contact me but to get a 3rd paty to do it, so just have to sit back and see what happens now

Getting, am slightly perplexed that you think I namechanged?? I didn't name change at all & only ever did once about 6mts ago to get advice on xh. I'm confused now too, has my name changed on thread unbeknownest to me?? Hope estate agent visit goes well for you. I also feel so proud of my dc's .

LC, I have ranted & raved on here & it's been a lifesaver. That's what the thread is for to dump out the poison. I agree with so much of what you said in your post. I was with a morally & emotionally bankrupt person for 11yrs to but I look at it as not having been time wasted. For a start I got my beautiful dc's out of the relationship & then most importantly I have learned what are the really important things in life i.e. living a good honest decent life. I know it can be really hard to accept when they spin their lies on why relationship broke up but tbh I've always felt with xh that it's only losers like themselves that listen to them anyway so what does it really matter at the end of the day. You know the truth & that's enough.

Waves to Tea, Patience, Mumfun, Sov, Armbow, Happy & anyone else I'm forgetting.

Big news today is that I finally got all clear from third & final lot of tests to make sure I'm clear of anything nasty from xh. Feel so so relieved & a bit emotional too.

Norm is v v nice & genuine & I really enjoy his company. I've no idea where it's going but I guess I'll just have to take it a day at a time and see. Part of me would prefer to not have the complications of a relationship but I've found myself in one now so I'll just have to see where it goes. It can also be a bit scary as I've no idea what xh might be capable of if he found out . I've come to a place where I really wish xh would disappear for awhile, it's like having danger lurking in the background while he's still around & I can worry that being in a new relationship could trigger him & expose Norm to his insanity .