ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

Tea, wishing you the strength & courage to be assertive with MIL. Think of your dc's when they are older watching you being manipulated by her & nip this in the bud now. I often find if you are overly nice but firm with these people they can't really fall out with you but they do get the message that you won't be manipulated. Good Luck. Hope Noah had a better day y'day.

LC, am left slightly speachless & at last nights events! Great to see you back on thread.

Happy, oh I hope the music flows for you today . Please report back if there's anything noteworthy

Patience, I agree with other posters. I think this is just a dip that will pass quicker then you think & that you will come out of it a lot stronger. Great that you have BIL on your side.

Armbow, hope today goes well for you. If you're finding it hard you could always put in ear plugs & listen to your ipod etc. At least the worst will prob be over after today.

Getting, I know what you mean about dating being v ackward. Norm was my first ever date too & apart from meals with groups of friends etc I've never in my life split a bill. On first date he paid for all the drinks & on second date (for meal) at the end when he was getting bill I just said "this is a bit ackward & I'm not sure of protocol etc but it's a bit demeaning splitting bill so do you want to get this one & I'll get the next?" I'm prob a bit spoilt princess like you & still of the belief that men should pay for dates, meals etc if they're keen enough . It would have been the end for me if Norm had expected me to pay , it's certainly not about the money, it's more being gentlemanly. But saying all that my expectations are prob off track & I'd say the norm is indeed to split the bill . Anyway, I guess just wait & see if he contacts you again.

Waves to all........

hello

bluerrghhhhh this is horrible, so far wedding dress , wedding momentos, love letters etc have all been found in loft and i have been a sobbing wreck and so has he - but not actually talking to each other at all - there is just nothing to say it is just very very sad.

the tears are falling and falling

feels like this could be the worst day - along with actually leaving the house.

will catch up on rest of thread later.

Just to say i read a 6 stages of grief thing last night and i think i am no 4/5Anger/depression and number 6 is moving on ,life wont ever be the same again ,it will be different but you will enjoy life.So glad i dont come across embitterd Getting ,heartbroken just sums it up really ,i think the way he just wants me to shut up now and for him to sign a checque just would suit him fine.I am far too trusting and i loved him so much but i guess this stage i am going thru gives me the freedom in the end .He used to say to me whatever happens you will always be my missus ,well no ,i wont mate .He still calls me babes ,it all fucks with my head,i am that i am snappy with the kids because of my situation but i know i am working on it .Anyway life goes on ,i stand barefoot on the grass everynite and ask for the pain to leave my body ,i know i am in a dip because it is an overwhelming feeling when i open my eyes every morning i swing from anger to depression to heartbreak,had a numbness last nite and i thought thats like overload my body just needs time out .Just need to sit with the pain a while longer,he is just a spoilt mummy's boy who has never been made to take responsibility for anything in his life .I want to be the peaceful calm mummy i always was that gets real joy from the simple things in life .I know i just need to lose his blackness from my soul and i will be free to live and love again ,thankyou for everyones support at this time ,even the librarian was sympathetic this morning to me,i went to get age appropriate books on the subject,she is a veteran dumpling and agreed with all the emotions i was feeling.I think our light was burning dimly this year but since about a month ago the flame has gone out i have to celebrate my marriage for what it has taught me about myself and the joy of my 2 babies ,i will never let another human being abuse me in that way ever again,they are weak and we are strong .

big hugs AB such an emotional day for you xxxx

TEA re MIL like the song says you have to know when to walk away and know when to run LOL!Re holiday i would do Centre Parcs Cumbria or Notts or something always good midweek deals and out in the woods .Dont feel pressurised into Arbroath or wherever it is ,i wouldnt be doin it and i live in Scotland FFS ,sounds like a PITA control freak to me .Lots of cheap breaks in January and you can do spa treatments .yoga and relaxation while they pram push round ponds and things.Say you are doing Chrimbo with your people but New Year break would be fab for dcs and really sell it to them {obviously PIL have to pay LOL!} ,I dont want to see my X at all on Xmas hopefully my Mil will do fake Xmas for kids b4 the 25th ,thats what they do MIL and FIL and sit alone on the 25th ...sad innit LOL!

"Victims like this many times purposely try to anger the person to act like a perpetrator so that they can claim their victim status"

Victim = my ex ,the paragraph above {thanks Happy}basically sums up my communication with ex since end of August when the flame permanently went out.He will mess with my head,push my buttons until my behaviour will justify his abandonment of his wife and kids,so i have to get out of the triangle,i have already stopped being the rescuer ,hurrah!But i feel he feels the loss more than me and has reverted to Mumsy to take on this role .Will read more about steps to avoid becoming the perpetrator ,i guess with the rescuer role gone ie not a job for an educated empowered dumpling employing detatchment boundaries etc ,it was just still a connection i had with ex ,simplest explanation .So in his world i am the perpetrator {after much provocation}he is the victim and his mother /pub friends/21yo are all playing rescuer roles .I need to jump out of this triangle now and accept there is no positive emotional connection to be had with this man.Instead i need to nurture myself and my children .My connection with him is purely business visitation and maintenance .

AB so sorry you're having a tough day. At least he's crying too.

In the words of Professor Henry Higgins ,"By Jove ,she's got it!!"

Re drama triangles IMO being able to detatch from these situations is all about taking responsibility for your own actions and the consequences, independently[not co depently] ,its a huge life lesson to learn ,and a huge skill to recognise the "emotionally underdeveloped" and learn to swerve them not try and rescue them .
Oh please Lord let these realisations i have made today help me thru the dcs handover tomorrow

Patience, I think you'll be good tomorrow. Just try not to get involved in a discussion and do find yourself something good to do to keep you busy while XH has the kids. Tbh even now I try to either be out when XH does pick up or to be upstairs out of the way. It's just easier.

Well musicman has announced that my guitar lessons are free from now on. F*. Ah well, takes my mind off IL's family meet up down the road I suppose and MIL visit tomorrow .

Tea, how did MIL visit go and AB, is the sort out complete? Are you ok? X

Just updated the other thread happy. Need to go and make dinner for me now. DCs in bed exhausted after an excellent day at the Family Fun Day nearby. They loved it. There was rubber duck racing, paddling, a toddler area full of Little Tikes stuff, sand pit and play dough, African drumming where you could have a go, craft, kite making, face painting etc. Great day

Just to say re all the practical issues re social life and rl support ,that is up to me to change and i will, baby steps and tomorrow is another day,big hugs to everyone life truly is what you choose to make it !

Armbow, sorry that today was so emotional for you. Hope you've got through it ok & feeling a bit better now ((Hugs))

Patience, you remind me so much of myself & my journey of recovery. You are doing fantastic. You will indeed be that peaceful mummy who enjoys the simple things in life. I am just a bit further down the road then you & that is exactly what I have in my life now & it's great. I just feel so relieved to have xh & all the madness, drama & trauma gone from our lives. ((Hugs))

Tea, well at least when MIL is on h's back it's saving you from her . Hope little Noah is doing well.

Happy, free lessons that sounds interesting . Let the music flow

Hope everyone else is doing well, waves....

Happy did he say anything that may indicate an "interest" or just offered you free lessons?

Just caught up properely on everyones news from the last few days as I've been posting briefly.

Getting - I think I'd prefer the man to pick up the bill on the first date However I suppose going halves would be more politically correct and maybe the "done" thing nowadays. Does he drive? I would have been a bit about dropping home, would've made me feel weird. I think I like the idea of a gentleman and being swept off my feet and me being the one looked after. However having been out of the dating secene for a long time, that may not be how it works at all now. I think I'd have felt a bit odd about the date finishing so early, although the reasons he gave are perfectly understandable. Let me know if he contacts you.

LC - I too am a bit about the evening and the OW cat fight. You have a guts I lack. I do not ever want to come face to face with the OW, I think I maybe sick when I do. You made me about fanning with love letter.

Patience - How are you today?

AB - I'm so sorry to hear about the emptying of the loft and how emotionally gruelling it all was. Is it all finished now?

hello

i really have not read anyone's post yet - tea i hope MIL visit went ok.

i have to say yesterday was probably the worst day of my life, after the day finished (the low point of which was me sobbing over my wedding dress ffs) he then sent me an email with more revelations. with regards to ow etc. i feel very very emotionally vulnerable (and legally so as well) and right back to square one. i have been crying all night and today i am off to my parent's house to stay for a while because it is all getting a little too much.

i want to run so fucking fast in the other direction from him it is untrue. atm i do not care about money i just want out.

people in rl think i should take him to the cleaners but i have no energy for that i would rather lose out on money but be well and emotionally healthy

AB you can do the money bit and be emotionally healthy trust me on this please ,it is business now and you must be strong ,he is still using your love for him and your vulnerability to manipulate you and abuse you emotionally ,take your time,dry your eyse and think tough.Your Sol will advise you .Think drama triangles today and work out a way to jump out of his game playing .He continues to hurt you will details and bullshit when you are growing strong and becoming more independent of him.Look for him for nothing,you have earnt every pound he owes you in ur financial settlement get tough for dcs sake and for yourself ,like i said b4 its purely business now and this will empower you.I will not let my kids down re this ,what if my X starts a new family ,my kids will legally be provided for i will not allow him to slither and start a new life without first sorting my dcs financial requirements.

Ok handover went well ,i am so pleased with myself ,looked at him in his tatty clothes and thought poor soul,didnt go there with the lust after him thing but it was all over quicker than a formula one pit stop .Even mamaged to chuck his suit in his car LOL!Pick up at 6 so going to gut my house while i have peace.No tears at all not even a trickle.He however was flustered about mail etc i said its all in the Hello Kitty bag,dd chose ballet dress with tutu and tiara for her day out x

AB I am so sorry and I can see why it was such a shattering day.

Listen to Patience. Why would you have the emotional energy to think about the finances and legal stuff yesterday/next few days. I dont think you should be thinking about taking him to the cleaners or losing out on money but just sorting a fair and decent agreement for you and your dc. Maybe I am not spiritual enough but for me being well and emotionally healthy is fine but I also want to pay the bills and not be worrying about money all the time.

Someone recently told me about an article talking about how so many women lose the will to fight their corner in divorce cases but then come to regret it later when they are ok emotionally but have accepted a poor deal but theres not much you can do about it. I certainly am looking for the strength to stand up to my exh and not be one of them.

Have a nice rest at you parents and garner strength x

Yes Tea "a gentleman to sweep me off my feet and take care of me". I have always gravitated to that type but did think yesterday how thats what I had in exh but that type will then often go on to exhibit less attractive qualities ,certainly be quite dominating. I dunno !!!

Well done on cool handover Patience at tutu and tiara, hope the clearout went well.

Yesterday was a write off all I can say is I havent been so tearful and low in a few weeks.

However today am back to fabulousity and have been walking and shopping with a friend for most of the day. Got an offbeat but nice top from New Look but that was all even though there was lots to tempt me. Need to lose a few pounds really.

DC home at 7 and then its The Fast and Furious movie with popcorn cant wait to get them back this time

Patience, you sound stronger already. You can't keep a good woman down you know.

AB, hope you feel a teeny bit better too. The timeline of out stories is so similar and I had an utterly crap day yesterday too. I felt so depressed after the events of Friday night. This is going to sound incredibly snobbish but I just thought these are not my sort of people and I don't want any of their skankiness to rub off on me. One of the women had drunk at least 4 bottles of wine and admitted to drink driving with her kids in the car. I felt so sad. Then XP tried to comfort her with the revelation that he occasionally has 3 pints of beer and drives ds home after football. WTF!!!! So we had THE TALK yesterday and I told him I wanted him out by the time I get back from Manhattan. I spent most of last night in tears which was unfortunate as I was working a night shift but I wrote him a very amicable letter which I hope he has read today. This time, there's no going back.

AB, yes your emotional health is vital but it's much easier to recover from all the other shit when you haven't got to worry about money aswell. Don't sign anything unless you're in warrior mode. If you have a bad day then leave the financial decisions until you feel better.

Hello to happy, starting, tea, getting and everyone else. I still haven't read the thread properly, sorry.

Ok ditched the cleaning bit and decided to go out ,bumped into some people going on a boat trip to an island and got invited along .Had lunch then home and just about to pick up kids .Really calm day full of peace ,prob got someone to help me with my website and going to order some supplies tonite ,so its all good ladies !!!

Ps had lots of folk singing the gambler 2day LOL its amazing how many people know the chorus"You gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em ,know when to walk away and know when to RUN"

Good Patience you are far more in need of fun than a tidy house

armbow, so sad that you have to go through all that pain but I hope that in the end it will help you start to move on.
please don't rush into anything moneywise. You never know what is around the corner - you all have exes that have proven themselves to be untrustworthy one way or another (mine is just emotionally crippled :) ) and you need to make sure you've got everything sorted out as well as you can!

Just make sure you're not losing out in the short term and that he can't do anything to screw you, then take your time to get the details right - this is the rest of your life!

LC - WTF with the cat fight and the driving DCs under the influence. Makes me very glad that H won't drink at all if he's driving the same day.

Patience - sounds like you're really working things out there :)

was trying to do a proper catchup but anya needs me!

AB - if it wasn't enough after the pain and tears of emptying the loft, he sends you an e-mail with more revelations? What a heartless, thoughtless man Not that I'm surprised by anything anymore. Do not make any final decisions about finances yet. Let the solicitor sort it all out in due course if possible.

My decree nisi is being pronounced on 16th Sept and then we finally discuss and arrange finances. Been a long old haul to get to this stage since April and my divorce is more straight forward than some, as H just signs everything, no questions asked so far big ((hugs)) lovely, enjoy the respite at your parents.

Headache is back again and feeling very tired, perhaps this thing is viral or something, felt rotten for days off and on now.

Armbow, I don't get why he would cause you further pain with the email either! I think you've got good advice, allow yourself to heal for a few days but I wouldn't be jumping into taking a lesser deal financially as I don't think it would be in your best interests in the long run. The financial stuff usually takes so long anyway that I would just keep your focus on the emotional stuff for now ((Hugs))

Patience, am so pleased to hear you had a good day today. Am thrilled for you

LC, am [shocked] at anyone drink driving! Just sounds really horrific.

Tea, you should really go to Dr at this point about the headaches. Please do this for yourself. You need to be in good health to be able to take care of your two little dc's. ((Hugs)). Am at your nisi being finalised! I'm going to be years before I get anything sorted at the rate things are going .

Getting, sorry to hear you had such a crap day y'day ((Hugs)). Glad to hear you're doing better.

Waves to Chairmum, Happy, Mumfun, Sov & anyone else I've forgotten