ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No.7

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity. ...........

starting - so so pleased for you good luck

tea - love his name and will keep praying for your nephew

patience and ab - (((hugs)))

happy - good luck with music man, just see where it leads

getting - glad you so happy atm :-)

waves to pink, mumfun, chair and kitty hope your all keeping ok xx

and a big wave for anyone ive forgotten or is just lurking

Arghhhh you guys have jinxed me there's a feckin great spider downstairs :o

hi Sov.

space seems to be what u need you are right to take it xx

Hi all

AB, hope all is well and that you survived spider. Would be nervous of getting XH in house

Sov, space an excellent idea IMO.

Nice to see you back Pink. I hope your slug is now an ex slug

Patience I hope for a better day for you today

Starting, I expect there will be a full wardrobe analysis today.

Getting, when is your date? I lost the plot.

Tea, hope you got a good nights sleep. Yesterdays post was supposed to say kip not lip

Mumfun, hope weekend went well

Chair, where are you, don't think we've seen you since music night gave we?

Waves to all x

Sov i think xsil is great idea til everything settles then he will have to take visitation more seriously or sil will ,whatever the outcome sounds more stable for the kids big hugs this truly sucks... at ur stage my X used to visit and not speak to me at all,seriously,he would see the kids at the house ignore me i would leave and then return home he would say cheerio to the kids and go.I also thought it was my fault ,not at all they know exactly what they are doin ,is he still smoking?Its all a bloody nitemare but you will get thru it big hugs x

Sov I think that it is better if he takes the DCs out somewhere when he comes for contact. Rather than seeing them in your home. The 4 weeks space does sound like a very good idea, however when it ends things need to be different and not return to how they are now.

I also think you've been allowing (well trying) to get him to see them quite a lot. If I remember correctly you were offering a certain time everyday? Of course he often hasn't turned up. Which is very hard when you want your DCs to have a good relationship with their father. As part of letting go I think he should only see them once a week, maybe twice and he should take them out. Or you drop them at his? (Cannot remember where he is staying tbh). If he chooses not to take you up on your offer you need to try and let go. If he chooses to loose his relationship with the children over a period of time, it is HIS responsibility not yours. All you can do is look after yourself in this situation, hard though that is to hear

And finally you need to detach detach detach. Remove him from being your friend on facebook. Stop texting him unless absolutely necessary and definitely do not engage from now on if possible. In order to move forward in your life you need to let go. He may or may not turn up for contact, however try and retain you dignity and serenity and rise above. In the long term you'll remain calmer if you detach and there will be hopefully less agro for you if you create better boundaries and space. If I remember correctly he is a heavy cannabis user. With where he is at right now for your own emotional well being and your DCs, more space is the way forward until he sorts himself out.

I hope my post doesn't offend you((hugs)) If I'm barking up the wrong tree here. I apologise x

Waves to all......

Armbow, I think if it were me I would not be emotionally well enough at your stage (or perhaps any stage!) to not be affected if my xp moved ow into what I would technically consider to be my house! From reading your posts I gather you would feel the same so I would imagine you should seek legal advice to make sure that never happens.

Sov, think Tea, Patience & others have given you great advice. Your x sounds a mess atm so I'd say the only way your going to be able to heal is by detaching & putting firm boundaries in place re access. I would def block fb access etc & keep communication solely about dc's & to a min.

Happy, the beauty of being single is that we get to explore options which previously we would not have considered in our wildest dreams. On this basis I think further exploration of options with musicman could be great fun .

Tea, hope your nephew has another good day today

Patience, hope you're feeling better today & that your meeting goes well.

Pink, hope slug has been successfully removed.......pmsl at "yes I did measure it"

P.S. lots of communication with Norm & find I am wierdly v excited & have constant butterflys in my stomach .

Ok business meeting went well have to go back on Thursday for final bit then lots of nite classes to flirt at .Then went to the park and had unexpected overwhelming grief re husband and 21yo ,just feel so ashamed that i still have feelings for him and also cant stop crying ,not been like this for months its just the whole OW thing but she isnt even a woman ffs,anyway trying to keep busy,Chin up tits out x

Starting sounds like third date rule will apply then . On which note does anyone else feel unmitigated terror at the thought of having sex with someone new ? I simply cannot imagine it at all but also feel sad to think I may never have it off again ! This is probably partly due to fact exh and I did have a good sex life even at the end.

Sov sorry to read your post. Well I am probably going to get flamed for this but I think you should tell him to get lost and keep well away from your dc until he can behave like an adult and mean it. Your dc are young enough that yes they will notice but imo it wont be overly damaging certainly not as damaging as what you are describing going on. Sov (getting dons hard hat)is the daily access thing partly because you still want to see him albeit subconsciuosly ? That would be totally understandable but it wont help your recovery . The set up with SIL sounds great and gives him a set time to sort himself out get his priorities straight or not see his dc.

Happy am confused all round about MM but was it on here I was reading about the dexterity skills of a musician being very transferable...

Patience hows it going today ? I bet you are back to your cool serene self again. Now you have calmed down if the guy def not getting a second date ?

AB great to hear you back . Your exh moving into your home ? No.Fucking.Way. I think the idea is emotionally abhorrent and full of danger , I remember how quick he was to start talking legal stuff with you ,dont trust him. Now you are back with us I look forward to hearing about your latest style stuff, dont let the ow detract from your own lovliness and what a strong fab dumpling you truly are.

Tea hows Noah today ? Also hows Tea today ?

I am ok . Guess what ? Yes I have begun my outgoings list only to discover I have been binning the transaction lists on CC bill so have no records until they send me copies so of course I can put it off a few more days now

Both dc back at school today so I am getting back into my routine , I do like my routines ! Went for a run this morning and have been cooking too and the house is in great shape.

I have a government run careers thingy tomorrow so that will be another dark precipice I will be peering into. She did say the level of advice is basic but hey I need to start somewhere. Patience if you get a mo that follow your dream book title would be great as my dream and I parted company beginning of June and I want it back .

I am really looking forward to the meet up so glad you are still coming AB ! I fear someone else will have to be on chocolate detail as LC has vanished. Happy and I are sorting an email at the moment it sounds like quite afew dumplings will be present , I am sooo cant wait to meet everyone . Yes Happy bring your ipod and we can have a party (but we mustnt wake Anya)

Waves to Pink Mumfun Chairmum and everyone

Getting nosily wonders what happened to LC and hopes no news is good news in the Critter Household

Patience its natural. This is a new thing to deal with so giving rise to new feelings so its not a case of why are you still in love with him iyswim ? Anyway dont beat yourself up for thinking that you are still in love with him dont forget you were with this man for 16(?) years and good or bad years we cant just switch off.

As you say chin up...

It has just floored me Getting .When I am at my worst wallow moments i think i will never get out of this ,as anne of green gables once exclaimed"I am in the depths of despair"must remember to look out anne of gg for inspiration got a video box set somewhere and its time for desperate measures .Def no to man Getting ,real life dating for me now, all a big mistake but no harm done ,just grieving big time ,just going to let it happen ,this time when i resurface i think i will be even more fabulous than b4 ,wore pink and orange tie dye scarf all day and def brightened up my day.

Patience, I actually think it's a good thing that you are doing so much crying. This is prob real deep grieving/healing at a soul level. I had this too with xh & I had to allow myself the time & space to just be as you said "in the pits of despair". It is v healthy to grief & despair over the end of your marriage & when you start to feel better again you will be far further down the road to recovery then previously. Just keep venting/ranting here. I read your other posts & can certainly identify as I had a lot of similiar stuff/feelings with xh. ((Hugs))

Getting, I am slightly morto to admit to being the complete opposite & can hardly contain excitement of thoughts of possible future sex . In fact have been in a complete state of distraction today with thoughts of sex which is what's causing the butterflys . Think you gave great kickass advice to Sov & Armbow . When are you off on your date?? Perhaps that might turn your unmitigated terror into uncontrollable lust!

Patience I remember several people saying and reading that it takes 2 years to recover from a divorce and remember Sov said one month for every year married.

I know what you mean that was how I felt last week and how no doubt I will feel at some future stage ie that I will never actually fully escape. Dont underestimate the additional pain of his ow no matter how foolish setting up with a 21 yo is and how at times you can laugh at the predictable patheticness of it all its still so painful when someone you love is now with someone else as well as not being with you.

I know you will bounce back full of wisdom , joie de vivre and humour just keep going x

Its a double edged sword Getting it gives me closure he has moved on but is excruciatingly painful .Thing is easiest solution is for me to go out and have male attention ,but it isnt sorting out the XH bit,so i will continue to sit with my emotions feel them not repress them and try and find my Tourmaline,think I will sleep with black Obsidian tonite X

Getting, those timings sound pretty accurate. I am at the two yr mark now & I can honestly say it's only in the past mt or so that I feel completely 100% free!

Patience, I always knew when I had that level of emotional pain to steer well clear of other men/dating etc.

On a completely different note my butterfly's have now reached anxiety level proportions due to setting another date with Norm for tomorrow night.......

got legal advice today and have a clear pathway in my head about what i need to do to protect myself (ow is abroad she is not from this country so no danger atm of them moving in together)

i need to balance the emotional need for me to leave this house with the sensible step of staying here until it is sold - sol has given good advice though which i have put into motion. thanks patience for suggesting i talk to sol it really helped to calm me. sorry you are having a bad day, as starting says it is all part of it, i am coming out of the other side of a recent "dip" just let them wash over you they will recede in time.

getting - don't feel as frumpy today - i have told myself that there is no point trying to keep up appearances with a bit of a kid of ow as i am older (not that much older mind!!) I have more life experience i am a mother and i need to embrace this for the eternal beauty that it brings. i remember reading a quote on here about a woman who was a mother being like a beautiful tree, eternal and strong and this is how i am going to live my life from now on.

hugs to sov, tea, baby noah, pink, starting,
party, mumfun, chairmum and happy

I think the sooner I get back to work the better ,need to make a living and pay my bills ,so glad you spoke to sol AB it is true about, just do it !NOT just thinking about doing it IYSWIM,its the attitude that makes such a difference to ur life.Got another meeting thursday and tai chi on wednesday.Life in the fast lane right enough !
Waves and hugs x

Evening ladies

Thanks for the support and great advice everyone really appreciate it :o

Crap day again only NOT XP today, it's SIL's turn :-(

she was being a surrogate for someone and i have supported her throughout and worried about her health as she had a lot of promlems, last night she went into labour (found out on fb) so i text her and said please let me know your ok...couple of hours later i text XP and said let me know when she ok cause i cant settle till i know, woke up at 7 today to find a text off XP saying baby had been born by c-section at 2.15 and SIL was doing well, went on fb and she'd posted it on there...i was gutted that she hadnt let me know, i have been in her life and a support for 11 years, since she was 13yrs old and i now know i am no longer considered family, i called her to see what help she needed with her 5yo and also asked why she hadnt text me and she replied by saying "well i put it on fb"
I'm devastated, i think or her and her sister as my family, i love them like i love my own sister and now im not with their brother i'm not family anymore :-(
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me as it has come out of the blue for me, given further consideration i should have expected it as when her marriage broke down not 1 member of her family spoke to him again, he's just her DS dad and it wasnt his fault the marriage broke down either

I'm at a loss as to what to do, this actually hurts almost as much as the split from XP, i thought we were close but obviously i was wrong, ive still offered to help her and support her as i know what a c sections like and know that no one else will help her...am i wrong to be upset??, should i have expected this and knew i wasnt their family anymore??? [sigh] if it's not 1 thing it's another

Hi

Back -exhausted through a very good time and very long drives!

Very busy this week so will catch up later in week on thread.

Hugs to all -and yay for Starting!

Hello ladies,

I've had a busy weekend with successful boot shopping (these ) and a day running around with DS yesterday.

September was my new year really. Have put a stop to the spending after saturday and will be sticking to my budget and tracking it properly. Also trying to reduce the amount of rubbish food I am stuffing down! (Of course I keep saying that and failing!)

Happy - that's exciting about music man - even if you're not interested (even if he's not interested in more) its great for you to know you're good company

Tea - so great to hear that little Noah is improving.

Sov - everyone's right about the space. Even though I am still close to H now, I did have a good space of time with no more than essential contact about DS and that made a big difference to me. You need to make yourself no longer responsible for him. It is his responsibility to arrange to see his DCs and it is most definitely his responsibility to deal with his own problems. A friend gave me a great tip from her counselling, which is to model the behaviour you want X to mirror. It worked for me (hasn't for SIL) but whatever happens with X you know you have the moral high ground :) Good luck with it all.

I need meetup details soon, as I will need to book a train ticket. I'm really excited :)

On a plus side i have started the ball rolling re counselling, my local childrens centre have a councillor and have refered me to her and it will be free of charge :o i cant wait!!lol

Patience - yes XP is still smoking and drinking now [sigh] and space is a brilliant idea, when we dont see him for a few days and arent expecting him it's great, im relaxed and everything so looking forward to not have that hanging over me and ((((BIG HUGS)))), hope your feeling great soon you are a wonderful woman and will come out of all this smiling and good luck with thursday

AB - yay for putting sol advice in motion and i love the quote mother is being like a beautiful tree, eternal and strong

Tea - XP is staying with SIL which is why i have come up with her taking them and dropping them back, am cutting him to 3 visits a week and if he cant stick to that will reduce it to twice a week, then once, i honestly think he's trying to get me to say he cant see them so he can tell everyone that i wont let him see them even though he wants to and you havent offended me you are totally right and i have removed him from fb too, hope Noah's good today xx

Starting - yay for 3rd date :o

Getting - i would love nothing more than to tell him not to come see them but i never had a relationship with my dad and dont want my DC to go through what i did and seeing him doesnt help me at all but i push my feelings aside so they can have this with him, it is purely for the kids which is why i want this space away to help ME heal whilst maintaining their relationship and good luck with the careers thing tomorrow [:)]

Waves to Pink, Mum, Chair, LC and everyone else

chocolate fingers, jaffa cakes and a cuppa for me....need a sweetie hug lol

Sov - if it's any consolation most of the news on my nephew I had from my mum to begin with and replies from my SIL were 12 hours apart (still are). Not all people are good about contacting all important nearest and dearests when they have a baby

The fact you've still offered your help shows what a love you are! ((hug)) for you of the non sweet variety

Sov meant telling him to get lost as asort of shock tactic so he sorts himself out not as a long term solution.

Hope tomorrows a better day