hey everyone
I've been getting stronger in myself lately then had an incident friday with XP which put me right back
he was 15 mins late to see DC and even though i keep saying i wont call him i did and asked where he was and he snapped at me so i thought great he in a bad mood, when he arrived he was really aggresive in the way he spoke to me and i said if he didnt like me being annoyed he was 20 mins late he could leave...so he did. DC were very upset and as he left he called me a slag, which reminded me of the mood swings when he was here so i text him saying the only one he was hurting was the DC NOT me. texts flew back and forth and he just came back, no warning just walked in, when i went to speak to him he cut me off with dont fu**g speak to me so i went upstairs, came down 15 mins later for cig and he asked how much dinner DD would take then asked where the bit was for my curtain pole (DC had broke it earlier in the week and i hadnt fixed it yet) so i said in the basket where i usually stick stuff, then he disappeared, i went upstairs looking for him and when i came back he was fixing the pole so politely i told him to stop said if i wanted him to fix it i would ask, so he said the suns in his eyes and DC's doesnt he get a say so i told him no not with things in my home
Took myself upstair to take a shower just got undressed and heard voices outside when i looked out DS2 an DS3 (of those ages too) were outside alone, so i wrapped a towel round myself and shouted for XP and said the DC are outside and he said i shouted you to come down so i explained when he was visiting them he should be looking after them and whatever i was doing had nothing to do with him he then threw a tantrum saying they dont want to see him any way and he was leaving, i came down and suggested that they were bored as he didnt do anything with them and maybe thats why they were disinterested he said no they just dont want to see him, he plonked DD on the floor then walked out without saying goodbye DS2 cried for 20 minutes DD wouldnt let me put her down for the rest of the evening, he was here a whole 25 minutes...my head says TWUNT
Later that evening i discover he's on fb, very drunk and down, i message him about a mutual friend as they had said something about me and he was threatening violence to them so i asked him not to do anything on my behalf as i would deal with it myself he said it had nothing to do with what they said to me and we started to discuss the earlier events, i asked for an apology for the name calling, said he didnt say it, told him the DC do want to see him and love him very much, wasnt having any of it
sat for 2 hours trying to convince him otherwise and to drag him out of his depression and all i got was hatred back, i think he was reading my messages as though i was angry at him and i wasnt i was concerned for him and wether he will see the DC
but it left me feeling awful he eventually said he didnt want to talk to me anymore and being upset i asked why he hated me so much, no reply....my heart says you love him stop him hurting
ARRRGGGHHH its driving me insane, im right back to blaming myself and wondering where i went wrong to make him hate me so much and for my life and DC'd lives to end up like this, this is not what i imagined at all
Then today he doesnt come for visit saying he was at hospital with his mate, so text and said see you tuesday at 4...no reply, i text again asking him to confirm or id make other plans then about 9pm (3 hours later) he texts saying he still at hospital and yeah 4pm tuesday is fine but i still feel crap and worried and i cant keep doing this i just want to cry i feel like a bloody yoyo
in a few weeks XSIL is going to pick DC up and return them and act as go between for 4 weeks, XP has no idea of this yet but i want complete blackout, no call, no texts, no messages, no face to face dont think he's going to be very happy about it but i need this space to pull myself together
Am i wrong in doing this??
Sorry its so long havent felt able to post last few days and once i started i couldnt seem to stop