The painful frustration of being attracted to someone

[garageflower]

Am currently taking a break from men (after some great advice on here and in real life) but have developed a painful and infuriating crush on a work colleague.

He has a girlfriend and I know nothing would ever happen, we don't chat that much anyway but oh I just want to lick his face, make him Lemsips when he's ill and generally just have sex with him.

Grrrrrr it's like being a schoolgirl again

Anyway, just ranting really, it's not often I am very attracted to someone - crushes are bizarre.

So did that dissolve the attraction completely for you, Kallima?

Spoke to him in the kitchen before, he actually gave me a compliment as I've been hitting the gym a bit. Damn now I like him even more.

Must avoid. Must avoid.

i just couldnt quite look at him in the same rose-tinted light anymore.

still. hasnt stopped me fantasising about other men at work . i'm not that damaged

garageflower - if he's shy, then you should defo try a little flirt. hold his gaze for longer than normal, bite your bottom lip... sounds naff but it's a winner. Hold on, though, are you trying to avoid him or grab his attention?

Probably both, right?

As for me, I have some issues that need resolving with my DP anyway, but my crush definitely affected, and still affects, the way I feel/act towards DP. I didn't want to have sex with DP, and when I did I imagined I was with the crushee. I couldn't believe it when said crush eventually told me he felt the same. It was amazing at the time. I was over the moon and and yet also totally torn. I really, really wanted to have an affair.

But I didn't in the end.
Well, not yet anyway. If I can hold my resolve.

I don't know if lots of people have these crushes. They're delicious and yet can be so painful if you can't act on them.

I don't know how they end...
Some peter out I guess. Others end in crap shags (going by previous posts!). Still others probably end in a wonderful shag and a beautiful, lasting relationships.

What do you want to happen with yours?

saviour it garageflower. You can dream about it at night and then you have good reason to look forward to work.

agree with TDiddy actually. just enjoy it... because it's not hurting anyone.

Oh I remember very well having a crush on the Office Nerd. And listening (for no particular relevant reason) to endlessly - it's still the song that to me, most intensely sums up really ill-advised but irresistible shagging.
ANyway, good luck. Enjoy it while it lasts.
I shagged mine and a) he wasn't all that good and b) did NOT subsequently behave like a gentleman, either. But the anticipation was nice...

I have come to the conclusion nothing is as powerful as the fantasy of a crush than the reality. Nothing.

Still tough when you're in it though.

oh i am obsessed with a man from work too. he has a GF. nothing will ever happen, doubt he would like me even if he was single.

i have had my crush for over a year and it is really depressing actually!

i have to work really closely with him every day. i just stare at his forearms and have to restrain myself from touching him. i light up when he comes near, i dream about him, i am obsessed. i sit at work hoping he'll say something nice. he sort of represents everything i want in a man... the knowledge that he does not want me has actually really knocked my confidence

just like being back at school...

I have a huge crush on someone I met at college, we've met up once since leaving but not a day goes by when I havent thought about him or fantasised about him . I'm not sure when I'm going to see him again and i hate that. I thought at the age of 36 things would be easier not just as confusing as it was when i was at school.

Can I chip in with my experience?

I had a very long term crush, one which lasted more than 20 years!

I knew him before he was married, during his marriage and indeed after his divorce.

It was then I decided I could no longer stand the anticipation! I made my move - he responded (willingly) and it was, truly, the single most unremarkable shag I have EVER experienced! I gag at the memory!

I spent a good deal of time avoiding him thereafter.

Proof is in the pudding...it's the build up, the fantasy...he surely won't be as great as you imagine - will he?

I am a serial crush-haver too. Don't know what's wrong with me as I can develop a mild crush on pretty much anyone, especially if they have blue eyes and like the same books as me / are really twinkly and sarcastic.

But I have had two major crushes in my life, one for about 10 years, the other for 4. These are the ones where you just can't stop thinking about them, even when you're in a relationship with someone else. I have never slept with either of mine (massive age and/or geographical gaps), but you're probably right they would be crap! Happily crush-free at the moment, lucky as I have a brilliant DP. But to tell the truth I worry about getting married in the future in case I finally get a crush on someone I can actually have...

I am LOVING the crush chronicles!

Elephants - I always worry about this, I hope that if I find the right person these crushes may materialise but not quite with the intensity of this one

All those with the anti-climax experience, well, we'll see. He strikes me as the type to only be in a relationship if it's serious but who knows. If it did come about, I would be more than willing.

Superfrench - the elbow thing, totally get it. There isn't a part of him that doesn't scream sex to me.

Aw, he is wearing his glasses right now and when he takes them off he looks like a little dormouse.

I'm not sure about the sexy dormouse thing! But whatever works for you!

Does he live with his girlfriend, and have they been together for ages? If either of these is the case you need to forget about it really. If not, then just keep an eye out. People do split up all the time.

They don't live together - it's long distance but think they've been together a while. He's from darn Sarth and has moved ooop North, think they split up before and are no together. I really don't honestly think it will happen, that's the thing - and I am hoping to be leaving next year to re-train as a teacher (surely I won't still be in lust with him then?) - I just want the frustration to leave me. NOW.

He is so not my type, I think that's a good thing. Well, obivously not, but he's a prototype to look to.

You don't actually want a relationship with him, do you? He's just eye candy. Well good for you! Can only suggest that you keep yourself busy and try and distract yourself. If you're sexually frustrated, it's not that hard to find someone to have sex with, to get it out of your system. Male friend?

How have I missed this thread? I have had a major work-related crush for 18 months which has previoulsy been documented on MN. He is single, I am single, he flirts with me, I waste disproportionate amounts of time fantasising about him.

I would happily go for the shag option (in my mind he would be amazing). However, he works in a different part of the organisation, I see him infrequently and never seen him outside of work.

I'd like a resolution but think it will peter out as I am moving to a job in a different part of town. Sigh.

ElephantsAndMiasmas - I don't know him well enough to say I do or don't want a relationship but am attracted enough to him to know that I would say yes to a date in a heartbeat!

Plus, I hardly ever fancy anyone, so it makes this guy stand out even more more to me. I think it's been a good six years since I had this level of attraction, from day 1 of meeting him too.

Queen - that is better than mine! Are you ever tempted to ust ask him out and see what happens? Easier said than done, I know....

God, Queen, make your move woman. Don't you have and intranet with contact details on it? There must be some excuse to get in touch with him. Are you leaving your current work then? Leaving party invite?

On the advice of you wise MNetters, I e-mailed him a few months ago and casually suggested going for something to eat.

No response.

Then when I saw him a few weeks ago, he was the same as always. If anything, it was me who was less enthusiastic. We both work in jobs where we get 100+ e-mails a day and I know I don't read all mine. Still clutching to the straw that he never saw it.

So either he's not interested and read the e-mail or he's none the wiser. There is also the non-feminist part of me that wants him to be a bit more alpha male and just ask me out. He has some alpha male traits workwise (i.e. wouldn't be in the job he's in if he didn't) but tends to use humour for personal stuff.

Lovely twinkly eyes though...

did you bundle it into an otherwise dull email where he might not have seen it? Or phrase it as in "while I'm at the dagenham conference I'm not sure where to have dinner" or similar blandness? If it was obvious and clear what you meant then I suspect he is ignoring it to spare your feelings :(

Hmmm, that is a tricky one. Find it weird that he would have purposely ignored it, yet still carried on talking to you as normal.

Are there any likely work -related opportunities to meet up? Could you create one and invite him along too, casually?

I remember when my crush asked if I was going along to watch the football with a few of them and the pessimist/'he has a girlfriend' lightbulb went off and I said no.

OK, in for a penny, in for a pound. Here is the e-mail, you be the judge:

Hi Crush

Hope you are well and that work isn't quite as grim as when I last saw you.

Spring is in the air and I feel like getting out a bit more. I found out that they've opened a branch of www.tampopo.co.uk in XX and I've always wanted to go. Would you like to join me?

Queen

does he ever usually ignore your emails? If not, I think he's ignoring for a reason. But I think that if you're unsure, need to know and are leaving anyway, you could email him "did you ever get my message about tampthingy? [too much like tampaz to want to eat there] What do you think? It's supposed to be great and it'd be great to catch up." or something

Hmmmm not sure what to make of the email sitution and him then still flirting - is odd.

You need to both be drunk together, do you have mutual friend who can set up a group outing? I'm starting to get more enthusiastic about this than I am my own crush.

Other people do seem to get very enthusiastic about my crush! I never see him outside work and we have no mutual friends. Also I am 40 and he is 49 so we're not at the stage in our lived where you go out in big groups and get drunk, even on leaving dos.

i don't normally e-mail him, I usually phone but his phone is always answered by his secretary. My PA also handles most of my calls, although he has phoned me on my mobile on occasion. He does good phone flirting too and a two minute call can go on for twenty. After all this time, I think he just likes the flirting and won't get it together to actually do something. Frustrating as we get on very well and we have lots in common.

I have a young daughter and as far as I know he doesn't have kids (or show any great interest in them ) so that might have something to do with it.

Hmm, seem to have hijacked this thread. Sorry OP, this is just my favourite waste of time.

(Just realised, he hasn't replied to to other work-relevant e-mails I've sent him. But my self-esteem isn't good enough to ask again)