Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

He's not yours any more. Spending evenings and holidays together was leading you on somewhat, or maybe you were happy to be led ... sounds to me like you were used, frankly.

His baby is not your responsibility. Do not get involved in any way in this baby's life. It is absolutely not the place of your exH to invite you to get involved, presumably without ever discussing this with the baby's mother, if his general twattishness is any indication. He probably wants you to run errands, keep track of birthdays and other events, pick up little baby items. Possibly the role he has in mind for you is Secretary to the Baby's Father.

And do not under any circumstances tell him to have a paternity test unless you want to wreck this relationship of his. If he doesn't see that this might be necessary and hasn't thought about doing it, then he probably feels ok about the baby and the prospect of fatherhood after all.

at "secretary to the Baby's Father"

I too was wondering what on earth kind of role he was envisaging you would have in this odd little quadrangle and whether it was any of your business at all

math nailed it

Can I just butt in here? Sorry to hijack thread.

Unfortunately I have found myself in a similar position to you OP. Almost identical in fact (maybe there's something in tjhe water?)

Exbf called me up (yesterday in fact) for some advice because he had some shocking news and wanted some advice. Well, you can guess the rest I'm sure.

Don't know what the hell reaction he expected but probably he wasn't expecting 'grow the fuck up you immature twat'.

That's precisley what your XP or XH or whatever he is needs to do.

Adult men need to understand that if they ejaculate inside a woman without using protection then there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE a baybee might happen, instead of whining about being caught out and boo-hooing on about it.

IMNVHO.

And just to add patience, my posts there may sound quite harsh I do have a great deal of sympathy for your predicament.

It came as a real shock to me too, especially given the circs surrounding the pregnancy. Bought up some unresolved feelings as well.

Hope you're ok.

Sounds like a great big pile of not your business/problem.

What is he 10? Needs his Mummy Ex to stick up for him against this evil woman?

Quite, Morloth.

It smacks of running to mummy to sort it all out.

Let's cut to the chase here. Am NOT being mummy - have had enough of all the lying and misrepresentation; it's becoming apparent that I am in possession of very few of the actual facts and am being played for a sucker. I always knew he lied but it is now very clear. Am furious, am hurt, am feeling v stoopid and embarrassed and generally shitty. Ah well. Better the things you know, as they say. Time to cut the apron strings here and let him get on with it. But I am very very sad too as 18 years is a long long time and it hurts to cut off a part of our family.

Sounds like things have moved on from the other day, patience? Sorry to hear you're upset and feeling rubbish, but definitely better to get to the truth at this point than in five years when you've been running around being quasi-stepmum to a baby that isn't your responsibility.

Amaxing coincidence Janos - what did he say to your reaction?:)

Oh yes. I should work for MI5, and a bit of sleuthing has really opened my eyes..the wonders of the internet know no bounds. And he has no idea that I know. I also feel very sad for her, as I am guessing she hasn't got a clue as to the exact nature of my "relationship" with him. And it is grossly unfair of him.

Patience3 - really, I do understand that feeling. It's not nice. You haven't actually done anything wrong here just been nice and understanding to someone who really doesn't deserve it.

Isn't it Elephants. Not a nice one either!

He blahed on and whined that he thought I would be sympathetic. Then I made the grow up comment and terminated the call before I said something I would regret.

And have dug myself into a vile pit of all the nastiest feelings. I have no idea how to break it to him that his lies have been blown out of the water. The nasty side of me wants to keep silent and let him dig himself even deeper into the hole, and the sensible protective side is screaming get rid of him now - and then there's an 18-year relationship with all that entails. Maybe I should just go shopping lol
And I wish I had Janos' strength of character. I have tried very hard not to say something I would regret but perhaps I hould have.

I have been following this thread and I think you (OP) should get your finances sorted out if you havent already...

Then get the hell away from this excuse of a man.

Sounds like he is stringing you along, what are these lies? Is he telling you what he thinks you want to hear and telling OW another?

Yes, of course 18 years is a long time, but you can obviously see what is happening here.

You are a strong woman, dont let this eejit behave in this way towards you - you deserve better. Now, harness the anger and USE it to your advantage!

My finances are fine! Have always handled my own money - what little there is. There is no financial involvement, simply deep emotional ties with him, his family, my family, friends - you can imagine.

So he's been lying to both of you, patience?

Might I suggest divorce?

Blimey patience thank you. Don't think you'd be sayinf that if you'd seen me last night tho !

If you're not yet divorced and your finances are fine, please see a solicitor and find out how you can keep them that way.

If this man is a liar and a cheat and irresponsible (and immature) and you are still married you may find your money is not as secure as you think it is. You must take care of it. Marriage is a legal and financial tie even when all the other bonds involved in it fall by the wayside.

patience, was only trying to help with the practicalities.

Doesnt much sound to me like you are ready to severe ties completely.

patience - what's happened to change how you feel so drastically? Sorry [thick emoticon]

40+, feelings changed because I did a bit of sleuthing online. I am sad and hurt and feel like a total sucker - as I HAVE been suckered despite knowing what a liar he is. The OW has also found out that he took my daughter and me on hols in May so he's facing the music from both sides and perhaps this is the wake-up call he needs to shape up and act like a man. The baby comes first, the so-called adults have to behave in an adult way. And I need to stop being there for him as I am now not prepared to take any more of this behaviour. I feel like that bloody L'oreal ad - because I'm worth it...yuk. If he'd told me the truth in the first place I wouldn't have come on here and dumped all over you good women. The kindness of strangers has been a revelation to me, as has the extraordinary frankness. Warmest wishes to you all, even the ones that made me cry.

Hey patience, I hope you are all right. I don't know how you've been "suckered", but I'm sorry if you've been treated badly by him. It's amazing sometimes how people on the outside, friends or MNers, can see things more clearly than those most involved.

Oh patience, how rotten for you. Hope you are ok.

I'm appalled personally how many "adult" men think they can do what the feck they like, without considering the consequences.

Someone used the phrase 'kidults' on another thread...I think that's appropriate here.

Don't feel bad. For everyone who feels they've been played for a fool there has to be the one doing the fooling. Those people are often the ones left utterly on their own in the end. Saddos.

Kidults -- fab term.

He isn't cluless about woman - he knows how to have sex and what happens when you have sex

final words on this subject, with thanks to you all...

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret.. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry.... I'm thinking of wine.
It?s wine that does all that.... Never mind.