Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

Maybe <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.instructables.com/image/FZDXGFOFEQHFIZF/How-to-Sew-using-a-sewing-machine.jpg&imgrefurl=www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Sew-using-a-sewing-machine/&usg=__UlH_TvKodprcl7ruqZFcGdnM6F8=&h=439&w=560&sz=29&hl=en&start=280&sig2=QE3EcMfQDxA4LeDtjJ9U4A&zoom=1&tbnid=KWUrXw7fWwNW5M:&tbnh=176&tbnw=231&ei=qsRyTJKDHNy4jAewroT7CA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsewing%2Bmachine%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1099%26bih%3D866%26tbs%3Disch:10,11031&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=846&oei=O8RyTOrQIYnFswblo5G6Bg&esq=8&page=16&ndsp=20&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:280&tx=95&ty=69&biw=1099&bih=866" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this was the machine?

Yep. So pregnancy-fail-safe the link didn't work

Not strictly relevant but the woman may have been trying to slightly craply describe the Persona monitor. You know it was a safe time as described by the monitor (machine) etc..
She may not be a fruit loop, things get lost in translation.

She would not be the first woman to get caught out by Persona, check out he one star reviews on amazon .

It was this one actually UA.

lOK, OK, I get it. I absolutely get it. And feel worse than I did on first posting as I seem to have . Should have been a lot clearer; shouldn't have said some of the things I said. I really really don't have dangerous feelings for the mother, honestly. I am certainly envious and am getting professional help to deal with the feelings this situation has brought up. The majority of you think it is nothing to do with me. You may well be right; the wisdom of crowds etc etc. And I am listening to you and taking heed of your opinions.

If I had a pound for every time I heard a version of this on here...

My husband chose to have unprotected sex with a woman who is now, unsurprisingly, pregnant with his child. How can I best support the poor lamb in his dealings with the manipulative bitch?

but people feel like that because they are hurt and angry and they need help to work through that, not condemnation. They are actually not the bad guy in any of these equations, but they do need to vent and let it out like anyone else.

Yes, do get some counselling patience, it will help you deal with him and things much better and help you move on from this and find happiness. You are bound to feel a mixture of emotions about this, it is only normal.

Don't worry Patience, it's just more obvious to someone outside the situation that certain things - still married, jealous of new baby, "his happiness is paramount" etc - indicate your feelings towards him are not what you would maybe like to think.

Pawmum and elephants, thanks - that's why I did this, to get some impartial feedback. I have to walk away, you're all right there; it's bloody difficult and I'm letting all my emotional strings be pulled by this. Grr. He is a t*at, there is no doubt about that. And I have been totally complicit in maintaining a relationship that should probably have have been allowed to die years ago. We've spent three or four evenings a week together for years, we go on holiday together, and this isn't fair on his new relationship either. I've had other relationships, I am not sitting at home feeling abandoned.

btw, what do OP and UA mean? I'm new to this and don't know the codes

OP = original poster (you) and UA is Unlikely Amazonian, people shorten names as it takes ages to type patiencerunout - so you would be just patience or PRO.

"Manipulated"...for God's sake.

Two adults decided to have sex. Both adults know how babies are made. Both adults knew how to avoid making babies but chose not to. Now they have made a baby.

It's that simple. No-one manipulated anyone. Unless the man concerned has learning difficulties, I doubt he believed in a contraceptive machine! He copped out of his responsibilities and got what he deserved.

OP, stop worrying about him, he's an irresponsible idiot. Go and find yourself someone decent to love.

Sorry patience but that "Grr he is a t*at" really made me smile! I think you need a bit of that feeling to carry you into a happier state of mind!

Out of interest, how did subsequent partners feel about you spending all that time with exH? (just being nosey now)

Why did you and he split up in the first place? It sounds like you spend more time together than many cohabiting couples.

Think you and he need some breathing space. Somehow he managed to end his relationship with you but still have you acting as his proxy wife. Let me guess he comes round, you cook dinner, he complains? True friends are rare and I don't think you should cut things off altogether. But you need to reclaim your own feelings, they are too tied up in this. It's easy for some people to let that happen - I know I have, going through every up and down of a friend's relationship with them. But when it comes down to it, it's you that's losing out.

I completely agree with elephants. i also think seeing a counsellor will help you make that break from him and the whole routine

EAM... I need to laugh a bit more, it's not life-threatening, is it? Just a nasty emotional tangle. Be as nosey as you like. We split up for many reasons - I'm a lot older than he is, I wasn't sure about getting married at all but did, after a few years he fancied someone else and left instead of skulking around having an affair, we probably shouldn't have married in the first place but we did; we both like living alone as we're both extremely selfish, and despite all that we get on fantastically well and have a lot in common. And you're right, we spend a lot more time together than many married couples. And other partners I've had have just said that we may as well still be married given the amount of time we spend with each other - they think it's odd but somewhat admirable and have said they wish they could get on with their exes as well we do. It's very unfair on anyone else, I know that. And most of our friends just consider us to be BFs with a much better relationship than many couples have. Your guess is almost right - I go there, he cooks dinner, he grumbles, I grumble back ... you're right about the breathing space too.

I don't think she has mentioned that she has sex with him at all actually

"We've spent three or four evenings a week together for years" --> I think I read this and assumed it meant they were sleeping together 3 or 4 times a week! If I took that wrong, I apologize.

evening usually just means evenings doesn't it? I spend evenings with my friends, but I am not having sex with them:o

Oh dear. No, I have not slept with ex since we split up. I have not cheated on anyone. She is not a bitch [don't believe I used this word], he has not cheated on her, he is not an angel. He's a man whose behaviour is questionable and I am trying to clarify my feelings. And your opinion of me is abundantly clear. I am not proud of having the feelings I have; it is helping me to put them out there and thereby opening myself up to posts like this one. We all know what Clint Eastwood said - 'opinons are like a*seholes, everyone's got one".

ps it's been SO long since I had sex I am now officially a born-again virgin

Why on earth did you assume they were shagging each other? What an extraordinary assumption.

thanks, Annie... the nearest thing I've had ti a shag in the last 4 years has been a smear test...

patience, it looks like you are waking up and smelling the roses. Good luck with getting some counselling / help