Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

You're all helping, and I appreciate your input.

patiencerunout I tend to have a pragmatic, reasonably non judgemental outlook on life so I thought I'd indulge myself by offering you make take on your situation!

Firstly, some of my favourite people are quite flawed. Wouldn't life be boring if those of us who are obviously perfect [ahem!] chose only to have perfect friends!

I think your relationship with your ex sounds fantastic.

Yes he's been a major dick but - goodness me - it doesn't make him a bad person. I've made mistakes in my life and hopefully I'm nicer for it.

You somehow need to support your friendship without having any involvement in this baby's life. That should be strictly between him and the mother. I do think a paternity test is essential. He has such misgivings that any doubts on that score would be disastrous.

Try to see your feelings for the mother as resentment/jealousy rather than anger.

You are feeling unsettled because this man that you care so much for is having a child - albeit unwillingly - which is something you wanted but he wouldn't give you. That much is obvious. You have done the decent thing and not tricked him into fatherhood whereas this woman has ended up pregnant - deliberately or not doesn't really matter at the end of the day. He should have worn a condom which - whilst not removing all risk of pregnancy certainly would've helped!

Good luck with this - I think you sound sensible and mature enough to adjust and accept things - it's just all rather raw at the moment.

oops - that was supposed to be 'my take'

Goodness me - no sex for 4 years!! Go get some hot sex woman - you surely deserve it! Do any friends know nice single men who could offer some no strings attached shagging??!

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

Gosh reading this thread makes me think I am lucky that neither my ex nor his ex wife want any involvement in ds's life .

Ime nearly 7 years on my ex says he is still struggling to come to terms with the fact that ds exists at all, in particular the circumstances in which ds came to exist. Ex seemingly fails to remember that he was very keen to have unprotected sex at a time when it was borderline safe re conception (few days after period finished). I let him once and stopped him when he tried again but (so we discovered a few weeks later) it was already too late.

His answer to me telling him I was pregnant was he didn't want any more children and would pay for a termination. We had never discussed having children but if we had I could have told him that I wouldn't want to do that. I thought at the time, and still think, that if he was so adamant that he didn't want more children he shouldn't have had unprotected sex or if he wanted to then he should have had the snip. I had been told I couldn't have dcs but he didn't know that.

Both of us took the risk in not using protection but only one of us has had their life changed out of all recognition and paid a huge financial and emotional cost. My ex's life is seemingly completely unchanged both emotionally and financially. If he does decide at some stage to have an involvement in ds's life I would not expect his ex-wife to have any contact at all.

I can beat the no sex for 4 years malarky. 6.5 years and counting here .

Time to go internet dating? Apparently 2nd date is the norm... I suppose if you fancy someone initially and don't mind if the relationship doesn't work out then casual sex might be fun? Though if you need emotional involvement then probably not a good idea.

at smear test, as long as you've got your sense of humour you'll get by!

4 years for me too. It's taken that long to get over the trauma of being with XH, with whom I do not have a cordial friendship. He did suggest a farewell shag "for old time's sake" at one point, to which my considered and rational response was something along the lines of "Aaaaaaaaaargh!".

That would be lovely fortyplus but require an overnight babysitter which isn't easy to come by. Maybe I should check when I had my last smear test?

a farewell shag? what a charmer! I think i would rather not have sex

I went 10 years until recently Rabbits are wonderful things

Patience, I agree with those who say counselling would be a good thing. I'd also advise reduced contact (or possibly no contact for a few weeks) until you've sorted out your feelings for your ex/about this situation.

As for contact with his child...maybe I'm cynical but I can't help feeling that he maybe sees you as a (possible) unpaid babysitter for the times he's supposed to have the child (when said child is older) and he wants to go out.

10yrs, good lord! I'm not sure I'd remember what to do after 10 yrs. It does make me sad to think at the possibility of the last shag I ever had was with useless ex when several months pregnant.

I think the way he actually worded it was "When this is all over [ie the divorce] I'll give you a proper seeing-to for old time's sake, if you like".

Yeah, romantic bugger. He's single now if you'd like a go.

What on earth has it got to do with you? The poor woman is being villified when you only know what he has told you and what business is it of yours?

He wants you to be in the babys life? I wouldn't want you anywhere near my child to be totally frank.

@ Annie, methinks you've had a lucky escape. Btw, no, thanks, I'll pass.

Mollie, it's like riding a bike, you don't forget

Patience - I have to say I do agree with most of the other posters who have said that your ex was hardly "tricked"... if he didn't want kids or, more importantly, to pick up an STD, he should have worn a condom. They teach that to 10 year olds these days! There is just no excuse really. I think the whole "tricked into fatherhood" thing is a load of baloney - as women we really shouldn't let that sort of nonsense survive! Women don't manipulate men into becmoing fathers (just like evil, nasty women don't tempt perfect husbands and fathers into affairs...). some men are just too lazy, stupid and irresponsible to put on condoms.

BUT, I totally get that this situation has thrown up a whole load of conflicting feelings for you.... I am glad you are seeing someone to work through them. Probably your feelings are a bit "dog in the manger".....? You don't want him as such (being married didn't work), but you still want to be the special somone (the special friend) in his life..? I am not judging - its really hard to let go of people, even when you know you should! Also, if your ex has a good relationship with your child (his ex-stepchild, I guess), maybe you are worried about that being replaced by his relationahip with his own child...

But your ex seems to be clinging on to this slghtly unhealthy relationship too... you say that he told the new girlfriend (or whatever she is) that she will have to accept you being part of her child's life. WHAT? You are just friends with your ex. You will not really be part of his child's life with another woman, will you?! This isn't your fault of course (he said it!), its just clear that he is a bit weird about your relationship too....

Agree with other posters that, if you really are just friends with this man, you should take a step back, tell him (he is your friend, after all, and we can be honest with friends!) that he has been a right twerp and he needs to man up, and let him get on with getting to know his child when it is born. Maybe you will occasionally see the child if he happens to be looking after it when he sees you (as friends!), but more likely, you won't and will have very little, if any, reason to be involved.

Hope some of that helps!

I've only skimmed this thread and see there've been plenty of diversions & developments. But I still feel compelled to go "Huh?!" Is your husband educationally subnormal? If not, then he has NOT reached adulthood without knowing the basic facts of how babies are made and what can be done to prevent it.

You're being made a sucker. Unless he is educationally subnormal, in which case I apologise.

Wow, you are very gracious in the face of some blunt responses, op.

Did you want children with this man? Is that part of the reason you feel bitter about his current situation?
I could understand that.

patiencerunout, I woke up this morning, re-read my message to you and I feel deeply ashamed of what I wrote. It doesn't matter - and it is not my business - whether you slept with him or not, my post was a vicious and judgmental one, and I do honestly apologize. I don't know what came over me. The fact that it was based on a wrong interpretation of one of your responses just makes it worse. I am writing to MumsNet to have it removed ASAP.

The only bitch in this thread is me :(

have just read this thread and it is very, very strange

however, aurynne, that was a very gracious, and proper apology

blimey aurynne, that's such...good behaviour! How nice :)

Actually patience I took something you said earlier in the thread to indicate you occasionally slept together (something about him sometimes wanting sex). Not that it really matters much to the situation whether you do or don't TBH.

Glad you are able to make jokes about it, I hope you are starting to get your equilibrium back.

Wow.. yesterday was licking my wounds but what a lovely post from Aurynne.. I was shocked by her original message and the apology has made me cry - thank you. And thank all of you for the input - hands shaking as I type this. You're all so right in so many ways. It's all v confusing and horrible. And in reply to 40+, when we were married I did sometimes think about having another child but dismissed it as an unrealistic and selfish idea. i have one; he had never - and has never till now - impregnated anyone and I think we both assumed he was infertile, as we had unprotected sex all the time - and I have been pregnant and had terminations since the birth of my daughter so I knew it wasn't me. So this pregnancy was a very big shock to him too - without wanting to incur any more wrath by what I'm about to say, he thought he couldn't father children so finding that he could outweighed the fact that he and she hadn't planned it and hadn't entered into a long-term committed relationship. So I can understand why he is clinging onto his old friends ie me, and I can also understand why you are all advising me to butt out.

Gosh - don't you think that makes it even more likely that the child's father may actually be someone else?

You clearly have a very strong attachment - I always find it odd that people are so willing to go in all guns blazing when other people's relationship doesn't fit their ideals!