Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

I think winesssarah is completely right. You just support him how you would support any other friend

It gets so boring hearing of these poor, gullible men who get trapped into having children by evil,predatory women.
If he is so stupid he believes a story about a 'special machine that stops pregnancy' then frankly, he shouldn't be allowed out of the house without a minder.
You sound jealous and vengeful and if I was 'the girl' in question, I would not want you anywhere near my child. To be blunt - it has practically nothing to do with you.

Firstly, not sure why any of this is the woman's "fault" - she evidently must have wanted a baby and if your ex didn't want one then it is HIS responsibility to use contraception so that does not happen, magic baby machine or not (moron!)

I don't understand why you are taking this so personally when it has nothing to do with you. If you want to be his friend then pat him on the shoulder, tell him he was a muppet and let him sort it out.

I had a simelar situation with my ex, who is a wonderful father to our dc's. I have my husband now, but we are still very good friends. Only because we are in contact because of our children though. Anyway, he was seeing a girl on and off for a few months, a girl that said she was on the pill, and she got pregnant. They happened to be 'off' when she told him about her pregnancy, and he was devastated. In tears to me about it, said he was scared he wouldn't be able to love the baby as much as he did our two, the works. He was in shock, and worried about how the situation was going to work out, but said baby is now a year old and he is a fantastic father who adores all of his children equally. The relationship between him and the baby's mother isn't great, but he loves his child. Your ex will eventually feel the same about his child if he is as nice a man as you say he is. You don't need to support him, he will be fine! There are two adults involved in this that took the risk of making a baby, and make a baby they did. It is up to them to work out how they want to co parent if they are not together.

I'm not sure it's very nice of him to say to the pregnant mother of his child that he wants you involved. Can't he just say that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her and leave it at that? You would expect a comment like that to go down like a tonne of bricks surely?

You just need to concentrate on yourself and your dc's, and treat your ex like the grown man he is. I don't mean that in a horrible way at all, just that he really will be fine no matter what you do or don't do.

It's strange having such wrath heaped on my head and I do appreciate the less vitriolic remarks and the odd bit of support so thanks, barmyarmy, pawmum and witlesssara - much appreciated. The other postings are all so black and white! Is there no grey area in your lives? There is no right or wrong here, just an attempt by me to behave decently towards someone I love. Maybe this wasn't the place to air my thoughts - I certainly didn't expect such a torrent of "sisterly" comment. I wonder if you'd talk like this face to face ...

I think it is your condemnatory attitude towards 'the girl' that is angering me. Your attitude to her is very black and white. If I imagine myself in her shoes, I would be very fearful of your anger and your condemnation.

Patience,I dont quite understand your story. Are you getting back together with your ex? If so, then you do have a say about this baby as it will be your stepchild and in your house. But you do need to sort out your feelings towards the mother to make it as amicable as possible.

If you are not getting back together, then I think you can only be there as a supportive friend.

I also dont understand how a middleaged man does not have a clue about contraception and beleived this machine story! Im not being nasty, but just wonder if he has been totally truthful with you.

Whatever happens, I wish you all well

patience - i think most posters ARE being helpful, its just you dont want to hear it.

you want us all to say " oh your poor ex, this is how you can help him ......... "

nearly everyone who has posted is not at all concerned about your ex - they are concerned about

you
his GF
their baby

you - because you are over involved and over dependent on this man - you need to move on. you are not " just friends" - its obviously from your strong feelings about his gf and the fact that you are taking responsibilty for him. please go for counselling.

his GF and their baby - because she is pg by a man who clearly doesnt want either her or their unborn child, that's a hard place to be and you are TOTALLY unjustifiably angry with her. i hope she has friends / family who will support her. poor woman

I would have to agree with Corlan, Patience. I don't think anyone would have any reason to 'side' with your exH pregnant girl over you, apart from on the basis of the information that you have provided. It is your account of events that is informing people's comments, and so you should take their comments in the spirit in which they were intended.

You feel that perhaps you should not have posted, but maybe you should take some time to reflect on what people are saying...I did not notice any 'vitriol' in the posts, but some women get offended when their 'sisters' are made out to be scheming and manipulative by men who just want to shag them and then sod off, without giving proper thought to the consequences. The fact that you love your ex is not mutually exclusive with recognising his role in this.

Of course there is the possibility that this girl was using no form of contraception, and planned to get pregnant, but your exH himself has admitted that he did nothing at all to assure protection, so he is still equally responsible.

You have said that you want to support your ex, but surely as a friend you should be helping him come to a proper understanding of his part in what has happened, otherwise, what kind of relationship will they have as a family (albeit a family living apart), when he holds her entirely responsible for his mistakes? As long as their relationship has this blame at its foundation, it will be hard to manage.

I am not siding with anyone, just advising you to take a step back and think about whether "friends" is really what you are with this man, or whether perhaps he is being a bit of an irresponsible sod all round. It is unfair of you to have such hatred for the girl though, she hasn't done anything wrong (unless the laughable machine story is true, and worked on him FGS). You were the woman once who was pregnant and didn't have any support.

I don't know what you want really. Just be nice to him, support where you can, be nice to her if your paths cross. Chill out.

It's not as much to do with you as you think it is.

actually I think most people, male or female, do stick up for their friends when they think they have been tricked into something so life changing. I don't think you can actually comment or make character assassinations without having been in that situation yourself. The OP herself has said it is the oldest trick in the book, it is, but saying you are on the pill when you aren't isn't actually a very nice thing to do. When you bring a child into this world you should think of THAT child, its future family and future emotional wellbeing, not just that you want to get pregnant. I say this as a well worn woman who has made plenty of mistakes btw, but we all do. A bit human compassion to someone who struggling with something never went amiss

and i can see all sides btw, it isn't a judgment on anyone :) but the OP came here for support for herself and a hostile reaction off people is never very helpful

The strength of feeling is born out of concern for you, that you are going to be/already are hurt in this or be taken for a mug and the advice - however it's termed - is geared to protecting you.

Trapping a man into fatherhood is only the oldest trick in the book in the same way that prostitution is the oldest profession - it's just a nasty misogynist trope that casts women as manipulative exploiters and men as their hapless victims.

The way you talk about this woman is truly poisonous and I see no reason on earth why you should be supported in such unreasonable and unpleasant attitudes.

Forcing someone to father a child is nowhere near as common as forcing someone to "mother" one through rape/incest/mucking around with pills etc/forced marriage/restricting access to contraception & abortion. Somehow that doesn't get labelled as the oldest trick in the book though.

in this country?

Worse in other countries, but still bad in this one. It's estimated that 4000 forced marriages take place every year in the UK for instance. rape & incest happen everywhere, although obviously rape is even more prevalent in war zones that it is here a the moment. I thought for the "oldest trick in the book" thing to have validity it had to be universal.

Maybe picking your nose and chewing it is the oldest trick in the book. I think you are just being pedantic for the sake of it tbh!

I don't understand why you are so completely absorbed in this situation
If he is a friend- listen and be supportive as you would any other friend

You sound bitter and resentful of the OW though
He is as much to blame as she

Why did you not have children as a couple btw?

No I'm not.

"She got herself pregnant" is IMO a massive lie nearly every time it is said. It is a woman-hating attitude to think that women are scheming hussies who are just casting about for clever ways to get the Precious Sperm into their lucky vaginas.

I would put it in a little black box with "she was probably nagging him when he punched/stabbed her", "she must have expected rape sex when she agreed to a drink", and "she probably regretted it the next day and went to the police because she felt guilt".

All just words, all lies that help to keep women down.

Pmsl @ lucky vaginas :o

nice point about forced motherhood Elephants

I think to force fatherhood though you're really talking about getting sperm using coercion. A man who takes no responsibility for covering his knob when fucking a virtual stranger has only been tricked in the way that a person who buys a half-price telly from a man down the pub has been "tricked" into buying stolen goods.

I hate shouting troll but this is, surely, a load of shite?

cheers skidoodly. Can we play analogies?

It is "forcing fatherhood" in the same way that walking into an alligator infested swamp and advising your friend to follow you because it's perfectly safe is "forced leg detachment".

If it looks like unprotected sex with a stranger, and it feels like unprotected sex with a stranger, don't be surprised if it is unprotected sex with a stranger.

Why the fcuk would she have wanted to get up the duff by a middle aged man she barely knows? Yet we're supposed to put her down as the great satan because now Daddy is in hot water.