Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

Still h and w; he left years ago but we've continued doing things as a couple - bizarre but true. He isn't a ladies' man, he just likes being on his own with the odd bout of sex. And yes,he started having sex with her but she lives in a different part of the country; he lives and works in town; I do believe him as he is utterly clueless about women and also has no guile in him; he is fantastically gullible. And in this instance I do believe him; he is in pieces about this situation.

Special machine lol. I am sorry but how did he fall for that and how did she have the brass neck to suggest something so stupid.

Did he really believe that story about the machine or did he just not want to use a condom? If you have always taken care of contraception, that could explain why he's been such a dope.

I know you want to be a good friend to him, but for me, someone who wouldn't have a child with me but put himself in a position where he got another woman pregnant wouldn't be someone I'd want near me.

Doesn't sound gullible to me - sounds quite manipulative actually. Wants the freedom to come and go and have sex when and with whom he chooses while he knows that you're still sitting there waiting to accommodate him - no strings attached.

I'm close to two of my exes, who are both lovely guys, although I would never want a romantic relationship with either of them ever again. So I can understand that side of things.

Might be that you're still a little too close to him to be objective, though. Glad you'll be welcoming to the baby, but I'd try not to get too involved in any of the other elements, because it could get messy.

i have no sympathy with him and neither should you.
Ok it was an accident but he should still be stepping up. Why on earth are you on his side?

Well we'll see what happens when the baby arrives. In the meantime, I'll moderate my responses in light of what you've all said.

He IS stepping up; I'm on his side cos I cannot stand manipulative women who spot someone they think is a good man and force the issue. I know how bloody hard it is to be a single parent, I've done it. And I know how unfair it is that babies get born willy-nilly because the parents are too selfish to behave properly and think through the consequences of their actions. Any baby deserves to be wanted; it should be a joint decision.

skidoodly - you are spot on. Unplanned pregnancy is the mistake of both people, not just the mother. Isn't he a lucky man? Shagging around (somehow while being "utterly clueless about women" - how does that work?), having a relationship with someone who would blame herself if he impregnated her, and now being able to blame a different woman for the inexplicable failure of the sterility machine. Unless it was a clamp on his balls there is no excuse in an adult man without SN to fall for this ridiculous claptrap and I don't believe for a moment that he did. Don't you think it's more likely that he has cooked it up to avoid Mummy being Cross? And still you place his happiness as paramount.

He may be very nice, but he is not your responsibility. Stop pandering to his emotional leeching, and have a thought for the baby which deserves a father who is an adult, not one who has all his decisions excused for him on the basis that he is a diddums.

Have you moved on to another relationship? Hope so, but if not it could be because he's blocking up the space where a relationship would be, without actually giving anything back.

what's SN?

what elephantsandmiamasmas said. Sounds like you life has been put on hold due to carying on seeing this man. Its not a relationship but niether does it leave you free to meet someone else. I also think you are vey harsh on yourself for saying that as a single parent you children from a previous relationship are entirely your responsibility.

Special needs.

The advice you're getting to step away is good.

Special needs.

The advice you're getting to step away is good.

SN = Special Needs.

hate to be harsh patiencerunout, but it sounds like your ex is an extremely selfish man.

Reading between the lines, it looks like you didn't have kids because he didn't want them; which is why you want to be involved with this new baby.

He has managed to wriggle out of the commitment of being married but still has you dangling on a string.

Where is your sense of self worth?
Leave him to it, and try and meet someone else who treats you well instead of like a mistress without the sex

Pregnancy is not a decision though, it is something that happens.

Sometimes it happens when you are hoping for it to happen, sometimes it happens when you are hoping it won't happen, and sometimes it happens when you are doing everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen.

When you have (straight, vaginal) sex, you are taking the decision that a pregnancy could result.

You seem to be incredibly angry with an imaginary cohort of manipulative women just looking for men to get them knocked up.

Instead of wasting your time hating these women you've invented, perhaps you should concentrate on the fact that you are wasting your life on this man. His marriage is over, but yours clearly isn't.

The fact that his happiness is paramount when yours is inconsequential would be heartbreaking if you weren't so poisonous about other women.

Women are not your problem. I hope you can come to see that.

SN = special needs.

I can't believe you're putting all the blame on her and excusing him. If he didn't want to risk a pregnancy (or an std for that matter) he should have insisted on using a condom. It sounds like he needs to grow up but he won't while you make excuses for his behaviour and continue to blame the other woman.

to all who've taken the time to join in - co-dependent or not, acting as his mum or not, I am his friend and I am torn between severing all connections or staying a friend. In my view there aren't all that many true friends in one's life and I am reluctant to lose one who IS a true friend to me because he's got himself embroiled in fatherhood whether by accident or not. He is a good man; he may be dumb as a box of rocks but he is loyal and steadfast to his friends and is doing his best to prepare to be a good father. Whether he's lied to me or not, the point is that he has earned my support by being a fine stepfather and a good friend, and that's why I am trying to be supportive. And to an extent swallowing my true feelings which is why I'm doing this as it's anonymous and will help.

If you were a friend your true feelings about this would not need to be swallowed.

When you find out a good friend is about to have a baby (even an unplanned and not entirely wanted baby), you are excited for them and you don't hate the person they are having the baby with.

Your reactions to this situation are not those of a friend. They are those of a betrayed wife.

But you are not a betrayed wife.

I'm going to go out on limb here and go back to your initial question 'what can I do to support him?' I guess the answer is the same as any friend in distress. Listen to him, let him panic without whipping up his panic, let him talk until he sees his feelings thoroughly. In the long term he may need some support in dealing with being a parent, but I suspect he'll need little of that if he's been a good step parent.

I think your marriage is a red herring. And your own experience of being a single parent is definitely a red herring. Supporting a friend is pretty much the same in most circumstances.

FWIW as many other threads have shown, if he is caring for his child, the mother will have little to no control over who he visits etc while doing so, so the question of you 'being part of the baby's life' is irrelevant. But I'm sure you are part of many babies' live in this way, no biggy.

Patience, there's a very wide division between "severing all connections" and taking responsibility for him. You can stay friends of course, exes often do, but he is one grown-up and you are another. What a friend might do is provide a listening ear and good advice when it's called for (and a firmly zipped mouth when it isn't!). That, you can do, as you'd do for another friend who you aren't married to. But you can't live his life for him. I think what people here are suggesting is gentle disengagement rather than dumping from a great height. Letting the silly fool stand on his own two feet. Standing on yours, too.

absolutely agree with skidoodly & ws, no-one's saying you should throw things at him, if you can be a good friend to him then that's nice for both of you. But most people do not feel murderous towards the mother of their friends' babies. It's hardly fair on her is it? She's having to cope with a pregnancy with a man she barely knows as well, in a situation that's unlikely to end with roses round the door. Maybe you were like her once?

I went to great lengths to ensure that the father didn't feel obligated; it was my mistake. I get so angry at these girls who want babies to complete themselves and don't think about the actualities of being a parent.

You sound like a right twat, tbh. Women don't get pregnant on their own and I think you are being naive to even believe your H about this 'machine' (what middle aged man is that ignorant?) and even if he did believe it, you are naive and making sad excuses for him. He chose to stick his dick in, unprotected, and the pregnancy that resulted is 50% his responsibility.

I don't get why you even care. Are you aiming to get back with him? If not, then leave it. His problam. You can be his friend but you are not his partner or his mum so stop trying to be either.

You paint your ex as a 'gullible' and hapless innocent who has been taken in by the cunning of this women and her magic machine.

But in fact we are talking about a middle-aged man who is reckless enough to put the responsibility for the outcome of his entire future, and something he categorically did not want, in the hands of a 'girl' (how old is she?) that 'he barely knew'.

Are you aware of systems such as Persona and Clear Blue Fertlity Monitor? Both of these are machines that predict ovulation and indicate a women's most fertile times of the month. Although not (ostensibly) designed for the purpose, they are very commonly used as a form of 'contraception' by people who choose not to use other forms such as pills and barrier methods.

So, perhaps this 'girl' wasn't pulling the 'oldest tick in the book', but was telling the truth.

What I find breathtaking is that a grown man's interest would not have been stimulated to hear of such a marvellous invention...didn't he even ask about it, ffs?

Reminds me of Stewart Lee's despair of those people who, were you to leave them locked in an empty room, for 60 years, with nothing in the room apart from a tea-cosy, would be so lacking in curiosity that, through the course of the entire 60 years, it would not occur to them to put the tea-cosy on their head to find out if it would make a servicable hat.

Dunno about your ex falling for the oldest trick in the book.... you seem to have fallen for the oldest line in the book...

Why would it be so important to behave decently to a man that cheats on you, that has no respect for you, nor for himself.

he is making a mug of you.

Distance yourself fast. He made his bed, let him co-sleep in it.

People are not being very supportive on here.

To the OP, has your ex talked to this woman at length? How committed is she to having the baby? Is she after him and using the baby as a way of trapping him?

Hoe involved does she want him to be?