Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H using self help book in row

468 replies

onelastchance · 23/08/2010 00:34

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 17:52

I've been researching possible pt jobs, lookign u counsellors, wriring things down, ordered Lundy book and just generally thinking about things.

I know i have alot more to do though :)

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 04/09/2010 17:52

Although it may seem unjust or unfair because his actions are the selfish ones in the relationship it is us at at the end of the day that are accountable for the choices we make in our own lives & our dcs ,we have to take responsibilty for ourselves and our own happiness x

Patienceobtainsallthings · 04/09/2010 17:54

It took me years to work that out OLC i just thought it was my duty to stay .

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 19:12

I know i need to take responsibility for my happiness, I'm trying to :)

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2010 19:25

But OLC you are not taking responsibility for your happiness. You are constantly trying to find happiness whilst in a relationship with a man who will never allow you to be happy. The only way for you to be happy will be to leave him (or preferably chuck him out on his ear).

Stop researching for PT jobs and start applying for them. Stop looking for counsellors and book an appointment with one. Start actioning the things you are writing down. Stop thinking and start doing. The one and only major thing you have to do is get rid of him. You are flogging a dead horse and you know it - enough people are telling you on this thread alone

Sorry to be blunt but AnyFucker is on holiday and I think it is about time someone was!

spiritmum · 04/09/2010 19:25

Onelast, that wears me out just thinking about it!

It's not that you have lots more to do, it's that you have lots more to be.

I know it's hard, and I know you are worried about your ds, but whatever choices you make he will be responsible for his happiness too, not you.

Listen to Patience, she is very wise.

scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2010 19:41

Spiritmum, if the OP starts doing things then she will start feeling better as she will start to take control of a situation that her 'd'h is currently dictating. She has a choice about being in her situation unlike Victor Frankels from the book you mentioned.

Counselling will help help her love herself once more. Reading books will probably also help. But ultimately, while she continues in this relationship she has no chance of finding herself and being happy. She will take one step forward and two steps back every time he undermines her, puts her down etc.

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 19:43

I know spirit. I will book an appt with a counsellor on monday. I really cannot sort out a job yet as i'm still so immobile and can't drive more than a few minutes, but as soon as i'm fit enough, i've got some options to explore.

I'm happy for you to be blunt, btw :)

Do you really and truly think i'm wasting my time with h? he does alot for ds and round the house, but....yes i know i'm being silly

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 04/09/2010 19:49

Thanks Spirit but only because i learnt the hard way ,i think you are doin ok OLC ,you are starting to get a plan together and that is a start ,its baby steps just now 4u this will be one of the scariest decisions you ever made but the most liberating.This is real woman's lib btw ,this is what women threw themselves in front of racehorses for 100 years ago ,there is no rule to say you have to stay with an abusive bloke that makes you unhappy,choose a better life and go for it ,there is nothing to stop you,and we will all be here to support you every step of the way,if you work pt you will get child tax credits and working tax credits help towards childcare ,prob some housing benefit and council tax relief[and your wages] ,sending you strength and positive energies x

scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2010 19:51

OLC - good on you! And yes I do think you are wasting your time [she says in a much more gentle and supportive voice]

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 20:21

thanks patience and scallop :)

Scallop, haven't seen you much of this thread before - can i ask why you think i'm wasting my time please?

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 20:24

We're having dinner togther at the table, ust the 2 of us soon.Need to keep to safe subjects...No point in emotional discussions

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2010 20:39

OLC I lurked a bit on this thread and read a previous thresd too. I felt that other people were making the points I wanted to which is why I haven't posted til now!

Wrt your H, it just seems to me like he is pulling all the strings, making you dance to his tune all the time even when he is supposed to be making an effort within the relationship. You are putting so much energy into trying to make him see the error of his shitty ways and change him. I can see your hope that he will see the light in all your posts but I just don't think he will, ever. Not with you, not with anyone else. He is hard wired this way and he doesn't want to change. Why should he, at the moment he is getting everything he wants by being this way. Even if you leave him that will all be your fault, not his.

He is controlling, manipulative, abusive and possibly narcissistic and therefore will probably never change because he doesn't see the need to. As a result he will bring you down and bring your DS down too.
That is why you need to leave him. I realise that you have to do this when the time is right for you but I suspect that many people on this thread are trying to help you reach that point as quickly as possible.
Leaving him is something you won't regret.

spiritmum · 04/09/2010 23:13

Scallops, I agree with you totally that OLC needs to act on her plan. Totally. But rather than thinking 'if I do xxxx then I might feel like I'm worthwhile' it's usually more effective to think 'I'm worthwhile so I'll do xxxx (get a job, go for counselling etc).' Does that make sense? Just thinking, I'm worth more than this and really feeing it makes getting the job and the counselling easier. And on a practical level I was also thinking of the fact that the OP isn't mobile at the moment, although I suspect that if you thought about it, OLC, you can find alternative ways of getting about.

The point of me mentioning Frankl is that even in the concentration camp he had choices. It blows my mind. So often I think, I'd like to do this but I can't because of circumstances beyond my control, when the reality is that I do have choices and I can act on them, if I stop using my situation as an excuse. If you can have choices from within a prison camp you can have choices in any life.

IseeGraceAhead · 04/09/2010 23:23

But olc isn't in a concentration camp ... It's one thing to make the best of a bad situation, which is what Frankl boasts of, and no bad thing if you are in prison. Making the best of a bad situation instead of changing the situation ... well, I don't find that so smart at all.

I agree with your general principle, as ever, spiritmum. The answer to about 98% of relationship problems is "love your self properly, then see where you're at." Loving yourself means DOING the loving, respectful things for yourself, doesn't it?

Not just thinking pretty thoughts Wink

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 23:37

Bti of a strange eve tonight. did ok to start with just talkign about work, school, etc but then got into ho wmony would be divided if we split up. I inherited some money when my father died and h singned a letter agreeing this money wouldn't be takn into account in any settlement if we ever split up (it'd just go to me and the remainder of our money would be split however it was decided). he's now making the the oint that he contribute more at the beginning of our relationship as he put twice as much as me towards out house deposit. Didnt arge about it, just feel a bit unsettled

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 23:40

and according to him it's a waste of money to use solicitors to arrnage a divorce setlement as "there should be trust between us" I just said there wasn't as we moved on...Fun saturday night - not :(

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 04/09/2010 23:46

Add Sol appointment to ur to do list OLC ,when you split it just becomes business so dont fall for any bullshit ,promise me that !You are dealing with a manipulator here ,he will only be out for what he can get ,get advice in every dept of your life ,the info is all out there .

IseeGraceAhead · 04/09/2010 23:46

I wrote that post badly. I'm tired; sorry. Loving oneself works the same way as loving & being loved by another person, doesn't it? If you post here saying "DP sits on the sofa all day & never does anything for me - but he tells me I'm wonderful & worthwhile", I'd be telling you to suggest he shut up & ship out!

I made posters for my house about being worthwhile - because I do need the reminders - but I believe it when I do good things for myself! I can spend days/weeks/months planning stuff Blush That takes loads more energy than actually getting started.

OLC, a therapist of mine told me to stop "trying to ..." He said that, when you put energy into "trying", you're wasting energy. He said put the energy into "doing" instead. I wish I could say I've got this one licked now (I haven't) but I've got enough experience to know he's right. When I "do" something - either I fail and learn from it, or I succeed and it's done :) When I "try to" do something, then all I get done is the trying!

How about it? Let's both get started Grin

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 23:52

patience, ys i do plan to see a solicitor soon. I so wish i could get around more easily, then i could sort things out more quickly!

Why do you think he's a manipulator?

Grace - yes i agree with you about the 2doing2 rather than the "trying".

Yes, would love to get started :)

OP posts:
IseeGraceAhead · 04/09/2010 23:52

Blimey, you win! You've already got started on stuff while I'm sitting here typing and watching CSI ... go you! Don't listen to him, he's "trying" to pull a fast one. Hah, let him "try" Wink

Citizens Advice Bureau for you, I think. Don't agree to anything until you know exactly what you want, need and are entitled to.

Right, I'm going to try and get an early night. Take care of you. x

Original poster
onelastchance · 04/09/2010 23:56

I tried the cab a few weeks ago but have to say they weren't very knowlegeable :(

Do you really think he's trying to pull a fast one? scary don't like ot think of him like that :(

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 05/09/2010 00:08

and according to him it's a waste of money to use solicitors to arrnage a divorce setlement as "there should be trust between us

Thats just all bullshit IMO OMC so if he is trying to make you believe it thats manipulation. The fact you disagreed is good,but you might not spot his bullshit everytime ,I missed loads until I turned my life around then it becomes obvious but then i dont believe a word my X tells me i think it is all shite.

Original poster
onelastchance · 05/09/2010 00:11

thanks patience. I guess he know he might have alot to lose. he earns a very good salary with good bonus and company car, plus a generous pension. Even if i went back to work full time i'd proabbaly only earn 1/4 - 1/3 of what he earns and i' d ahve to pay for before and afterschool care for ds, plus holiday care!

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 05/09/2010 00:13

Start thinking of him like that OLC ,that is the first big step realising that is what they are doing.I know i say it all the time from the L Bundy book but the opposite of abuse is respect ,if he is not respecting you he is abusing your love for him.He knows he is doing it ,THEY ALL KNOW !Thats the real painful bit IME .