H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

Thanks Annie. Yes i know you're abut what ds will learn from us.

We're almost like friends sharing a house really. a few differences in that he's helped out so much with broken ankle but also i doubt he'd respond to a friend (i don't really know, becuase he doesn't have any friends) who was unhappy with something like he responds to me. i'v no desire to sleep with him or be in the same bad and find most evenings quite boring :(

I'm going to give my ankle a few more days to get a bit tronger then i'll arrange my counselling (just for me)

we had a "weekly chat" a couple of days ago. He thinks we've had a good week becuase we haven't argued.

I told him how it made me feel helpfless when he wouldn't ask about parking at school and also walkign on ahead when we went out on saturday and leaving me to walk up a step (not sure if imentioned that before?) which is v difficult with my ankle. he didn't say anything really.

Also another thing on his "to do" list is to show som interest/ask about my anti deprssants (been on them about a year on and off and he's not asked once!), he still hasn't asked. I have told him it'd be a kind thing to do to ask once in a while. he said it doesn't occurr to him to mention them!

anyone there - just need a chat :)

I dunno, olc, I just don't know why you're still trying to coach him on how to be more like someone who gives a shit - when he only seems interested in making his own life as easy as possible. I hope you find yourself a great counsellor, who will be able to talk it all through with you properly. Glad to hear your ankles' on the mend :)

Thanks for replying Grace :)

What do you mean about me coaching him?

What jumps out at me OLC is that you are always trying to point out to him his unreasonable behaviour and how it upsets you ,you are trying soooo hard to make ur marriage work but he isnt.Ru happy about living with a man you dont want to sleep with.I want affection and respect in my life .Does he make you feel good about yourself ,do you feel happy and relaxed when you spend time alone together ,do you think this is as good as it gets ?When my H left i truly thought i had finally escaped ,that was my first emotion.I thought God please dont let me get back with him.Didnt take long b4 i had some kind of awakening ,just started to realise it wasnt allmy fault and i wasnt a bad person.Take time to heal through the counselling and decide what your next move is ,there is no shame in leaving your marriage ,kids are happy cos mum is happy ,WA told me that one and back then i thought i was happy ,now i have my freedom i know what happiness is ,we have adventures as a wee family ,doin fun things that cost nothing ,but we dont have a black cloud over us anymore ,take care and do something nice for yourself today x

Thanks patience :)

He would say he is trying i think, in that he's doing most stuff around the house, taking ds out, helping with my business, etc. But there's no closeness. I find it hard to understand that it doesn't "ocurr to him" to ask about me taking anti depressants!

I do worry about the effect splitting up wwill have on ds, but i'm sure as he gets older he'll relaise that me and h don't have a "normal" marriage.

No i'm not happy about living with a man i don;t want to sleep with at all !! I love aaffection, and that feeling that someone is iintersted in me, but is that more importnat than uprooting ds and potentially being more unhappy than am now??

OLC,

You're coaching him because you are telling him exactly what types of tactics these types of abusive men use. In his mind you are further justifying the ill treatment meted out towards you. He does not act like this around anyone else does he, he reserves it all for you.

What sort of relationship did you have with your Dad when you were growing up?. What sort of relationship lessons did they pass onto you?.

OLC

You are better off apart than remaining within this broken marriage.

Thanks Attila.

Not sure wht you mean about me telling him about abusive men's tactics though?

Didn't have a good relationship with my father (now dead). he worshipped me til i was about 5, then didn't seem to like me becoming more my own person. from the age of 7/8ish, he'd stop talkign to me if he was angry with me and ignore me. he'd sometimes ask my mum, who i was if i came into a room :. I wasn't allowed boyfriends, so say my bf (who became dh10 in secret (my mum knew) until i left home at 18 to live with dh1. I left while father was out one day.hardly saw father after that.

Onelast, you are making all your happiness dependent on him changing. Well, he might or he might not, but you could be a long time waiting. And you're giving him all the power you have to create your own life rather than being a victim of circumstance.

Why not make your happiness about you changing? What can you do to make things better, to make you happy? You do have a choice, you know. And you can make those choices right now.

Hope your ankle continues to mend.xx

Thanks Spirit :)

I plan to talk to a counsellor about things, have looked a few up and will make some calls next week.

I'm not going to ask him to change any behaviours any more as there's not point. he doesn't even show he cares that i'm on anti depressant ffs :(

Not sure there's really much point in our weekly chat other than it does serve and a reminder to me about how things realy are, as i make notes about what we've said. less easy to pretend things are beter than they are then.

having said that in a way he's making an effort as he's booked a hotel and theatre trip for my birthday.

A supposed effort like this means nothing considering what he is like towards you day to day. These are but crumbs to keep you within this sham of a marriage.

What this is doing to your child is incalculable? DO you really wantt your son to have such a dysfunctional relationship as an adult?. No. But this is what you are both teaching him now, you're showing him that all this is somehow acceptable.

I am sorry to read that your late Dad let you down as he did. Have you considered your H is actually doing the same as this man did?. He is also angry towards you isn't he?. Controlling men are angry men too.

No, i don;t want ds to have a dysfunctional relationship when he growsa up. i just wnat him to be happy and contended.

When h and i aren't arguing, i don't think there's much effect on ds atm. he's 4 and as long as hings appear calm around him, he has attention, etc he seem fine. I expect it will be more obvious to him as he gets older.

I'm prett sure i feel angry towards dh too :(

With me lack of love and support growing up was a huge part of my low self esteem and angst .As i started to believe in myself again i had a clearer picture of what i wanted out of life.Seriously do your homework re finances ,this will give you control ,all i know is i would NEVER go back to the life i had it was bloody awful ,but i stuck it out for 16yrs trying to fix it all ,i accepted awful behaviour and eventually started to normalise it all and thought thats how everyone else lives,they dont.Respect is essential in a relationship and he should ENHANCE your life !!!!Baby steps OLC but have a good look at the alternatives and enjoy your counsellingx

My ds was 4yo when we split he is v perceptive but im glad i didnt wait any longer x

Thanks patience :) I know that in terms of the effect on ds, it's better to split up sooner than later. Yes, you're so right, he should enhance my life. I have to say i don't often particularly look forward to weekends as he's around more

Thats your answer then OLC ,please believe me the sky will not fall in if you leave... but you will be pushed WAY out of your comfort zone and rebuild a life that is a truer reflection of who you are ,once you start the journey the freedom is what empowers you IME x

Your man is completely ruining your life rather than enhance it in any way; he has no interest or will to change because it is all about him.

You and your son will be both better off without this man's malign and abusive day to day prescence in your lives. Would you want your son as an adult to act like his Dad does?. Of course not. Show your son that you are strong, teach him that any abusive behaviour within a relationship is completely unacceptable to take.

You were taught very damaging relationship lessons as a child and I am really sorry to read that your Dad let you down as a paretn so abjectly. This relationship you now have though is no legacy to leave your son.

Your son won't thank you if you were to stay with your H for the long haul - he could well accuse you of putting that man before him. You have a choice re your H, your son does not. He will see and hear all of your private war and learn from it and you both.
You are both currently teaching this little boy damaging lessons, no two ways about it.

Onelast, booking tickets or hotels doesn't take effort, anyone with a credit card can do it.

The weekly chats are making you miserable. What I'm hearing is that things feel better to you and that you think you need to revisit all the nastiness in order to remind yourself how terrible things are. You remind me of a child picking a scab, things start to get better so you go back and open it all up again.

If things feel better why not live with that? It doesn't mean that you're giving in, just that something is making you less unhappy for a while. We have this cock-eyed idea that we will only take action once we hit rock bottom and then we'll make the grand gesture and sort ourselves out. It's similar to the idea that obese people can be shamed into losing weight. The reality for so many women is that once you start to feel better about yourself, when you take those steps to feel happy from within, then it becomes so much easier to take control and make the really big changes that you need. An example is a woman whose husband drank; she moved into the spare room and started to feel more in control, and then decided to leave altogether. So what I'm saying is that if your weekly chats leave you feeling less powerful and more miserable, stop and instead focus on the things that make you feel stronger and more powerful, and happier, although you will probably find your h doesn't have much to do with any of those.

Onelast, your h can only hurt you if you allow him to. Like asking about your medication, that only matters because you think he should. Decide that it doesn't matter if he does or not and he can't hurt you in that way again. And if you are looking after you and listening to your needs, then that is all you need. You don't need your h to do anything.

I started counselling once a week in Sept by Nov we had split ,once i had rebuilt a little of my self confidence i could not accept what my marriage was,it was doing nothing to enhance my life and i was damned if i was going to do it for the rest of my life ,i have yoyoed back and forth with wanting to make my marriage work after split but the reason we are not back together is what his vision of a wife is and what my vision is .He will always put me last because of his massive sense of entitlement and then scowl at me and tell me i am being unreasonable ,i dont need his black cloud of DOOM or his seperate social life with the boys ,he can piss off ,i always said we were incompatible because I am amazing and he isnt, he just fed off me and brought me down,im not bitter and i dont have resentment i just get on with my new life keeping my heart and my mind open ,its just a change ,the transition doesnt need to be good or bad just different x

Oh, and I know there is an assumption that your ds will learn how to be like your h, but I have a male relation who grew up in a household where his dad was emotionally and physically abusive (shouting, hitting etc) and he now lets his wife treat him in the same way, especially with emotional abuse.

Thanks spirit :) yes i know i need to do things MYSELF to sort things out. Just v difficult atm because of broken ankle. Still can't get around very well or driv more than a few minutes.

Yes i know what you means about letting him hurt me. I've deliberately not told him i've been feeling low recently as i know he wa
on't ask. In fact when i went back on anti depressants in May, i didn't tell him becuase i knew he wouldn't ask and therefore hurt me. he only found out as i had to tell the doctor about all my medication when i was in hospital. He never asked...again

I know that you aren't mobile at the moment, but what about doing things for yourself inside? What about changing the way you look at yourself so that you become the love of your life - because that's all you need to be happy. And you can do that without leaving your chair.

I've been reading Victor Frankels' 'Man's Search for Meaning'. The first half of the book is his account of being in a concentration camp during the War. He says that even in those circumstances, he had choices over what to think. I have no idea what I would do in those kinds of circumstances, but I find even the possibility of having choices in the most difficult circumstances imaginable an inspiration.