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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H using self help book in row

468 replies

onelastchance · 23/08/2010 00:34

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

OP posts:
dignified · 09/09/2010 09:34

Does it HAVE to be done on saturday , is there anyone at all who would mind helping , do your freinds know whats going on ? It really would be better if you had someone else to help.
Re him kissing you goodbye , how do you feel about him kissing you at the moment.
My EH used to hover in my face trying to kiss me even though it was obvious i didnt want to. If i flat out refused he would go off on one.

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 09:54

No my friends don't know it's this bad atm. I've talked to some of them about it in the past but not recently. Bit reluctant too as i have a birthday party coming up soon and it might be a bit wierd if they know and then see him at that.

I'm still in bed when he leaves and he just comes over and kisses me on forehead. I don't kiss him. Not sure why he does it. He even did it when i'd left him a couple of years ago and was living with another bloke (that's another long story...)

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 14:25

Just wondering what to say if we have our chat tonight?

OP posts:
dignified · 09/09/2010 15:13

You could always tell him the truth about how youve been feeling ? Might be good to do that as it might put a stop to his acting .

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 16:13

yes, you're right :) It's hard to put into words how i'm feeling, could just say that the whole situation is getting me down

OP posts:
IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 16:29

Ok, so what's the whole situation, in your own mind?

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 16:40

Well that focusses the mind!

Lack of proper communication
H not taking responsibility for behaviour
H burying issues saying i'm negative if i want to talk about things
H "forgetting" so much
No sex (not that i want it with him anyway)
Bad memories of the past
Him showing no interst in me being on anitdepressants

OP posts:
IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 16:44

Well done, chuck Wink

Can you say what effects these things have on you?

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 17:04

makes me feel it's pointless discussing feeling/difficult issues

Makes me feel things would be o if i were different/ behaved differently

Don't feel close emotionally or physically

fell hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 17:05

ok, not o!

OP posts:
IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 17:13

You feel hurt because there's a closeness lacking between you two, and it seems pointless to discuss it because he'll only ask you to change?

Or, not quite that?

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 17:17

Hurt becuase it doesn't cross his mind to ask about ads (been on them nearly a year - he's never asked), hurt that it's been obvious how sad i am and he hasn't asked why and hurt about bad things that have happened in the past.

This hurt plus all the other things, lead to lack of closeness :(

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IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 17:20

Hurt that he doesn't seem to care about your illness or your general wellbeing, then?

What if he says I show I care, look how much I'm doing for you?

IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 17:21

Got to go out now ... hope Dignified or somebody's around for you!

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 17:23

That is what he'll say !

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IseeGraceAhead · 09/09/2010 17:35

Haven't gone yet ... All he's doing is what any normal man would do. Which is nice, but doesn't do anything to help you recover from your illness. Do you want to ask him how much he cares about you and your feelings?

I mean, you can't really ask him TO care - if he does or doesn't, that's up to him. I'm just wondering if you're looking for some honesty about his own feelings.

Not that I think you'll get it! But there's no harm in trying ...

dignified · 09/09/2010 18:34

I think you should tell him that you feel sad because you dont feel your close to each other, and also that you dont feel you can discuss things. You know the routine i assume , eg i feel as opposed to you have , we instead of you , all said softly in the least accusatry way possible.

Hes very unlikeley to ask you why you feel this way , and instead go off on a tangent listing all the favours hes done for you. You can continue it and struggle to be heard or you can sadly accept that this is how he is. By the end of it he probably still wont have asked you why you feel this way and he,ll probably be angry that again , you are daring to voice your own feelings.

Am sorry things are like this for you at the minuite , i remember it well ,its only for now.

Original poster
onelastchance · 09/09/2010 18:59

Yes dignified i'll try to do that. I expect you're right though that he'll start to list all the things he's done,say arranging something for my birthday was a waste of time, eyc, etc, say he doesn't know what i want, i'm negative etc

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dignified · 09/09/2010 19:17

It might sound daft , and i dont mean doing this in a sneaky way , just for your own benefit , but how about recording it ? ( obviously only if its safe ). My phone will record for an hour and you cant tell.

Afterwards you can listen to it and be very clear about what you said , how you said it , and youll hear him say things that you didnt hear at the time . Ive done this on occasion , not to be a snide , but just to be absoluteley certain that i had communicated clearly with him . Also when you listen to it back with no emotion there it sounds very differant.

Its actually quite terrible that you are carefully considering whether to raise these things with him , whether you dare to be a real live woman instead of a puppet who only thinks and feels what he wants. Good luck with it Pm .

Original poster
onelastchance · 10/09/2010 07:54

Well, we did talk for a long time last night. I told him how low and depressed i was feeling about our relationship. initially he was quite defensive but after a while he was better and appeared to be listening and taking it moe seriously. he came over to sit with me and comfort me. He said that asking about my day, etc were his way of trying to initiate a conversation as i'd seemd so sad. I told him i'd prefer him to be more direct - ie just ask what's wrong etc.

He was still nice this morning, told me how well i was doing and suggested i have a sleep after dropping ds as school. Told me he lovd me too

OP posts:
IseeGraceAhead · 10/09/2010 12:02

Well done for getting it out, OL. Hope you had a good sleep - sounds like you needed it! x

Original poster
onelastchance · 10/09/2010 12:11

Thanks Grace :) I 'm hoping what we talked about last night will sink in and makes some differece...

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Original poster
onelastchance · 13/09/2010 08:31

Weekends have its ups and downs. feel very anxious and depressed , hoping counselling this week will help.

back in a similar sitaution to a few weeks ago. Talked about going out, agreed i'd book babysitter and him restaurant. Been in a state of anxiety worrying that he'll let me down again. Maybe i should have just booked it myself? He's doen lots round the house and has tried to be more understanding

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Patienceobtainsallthings · 13/09/2010 14:36

Try and do something to take mind off things OLC and just chill ,read ,have a nice bath or do something for another person a small gift or letter in the post perhaps all about how fab they are doesnt have to be anything about you ,just change direction for a bit doesnt matter how unjust your situation is everyone needs a rest from our emotions now and again so we can step back and see a clearer picture.I know its difficult when ur ankle is mending but obsessing about H will just stress you out.Counselling is a great step ,just try and stay positive and positivity will come back your way,really try it for a whole week just detatch from others' behaviour and think only about your actions and reactions,talking about the past will only re energise bad feeling and put life back into past negative situations.It will make you feel sad.Dont sit with other peoples negative baggage on you for the rest of your life ,breakfree ,change your thought pattern,take control,if H still isnt stepping up to the plate you will move on ,all part of your journey and your counsellor will help you see thru the fog x

Original poster
onelastchance · 13/09/2010 15:39

Thanks Patience, I'll try. I've got friends comnig over a couple of times this week and something on at ds's school, so that should help. Will try to focus on that and the counselling

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