H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

he came in from work and hour ago. he's been alying with ds and being generally nice. he asked how ds got on at school, and asked about my day, made me a drink, he's now giving ds his bath and putting him to bed.

Just wish i could have this without the horrible bits...

Hes just pretending Onelast .

Most husbands do what hes doing now , asking about your day ect , its not nice at all, its just normal , but it says something that you perceive it as nice.

If your wavering , test it. Ask him for some emotional support or something he finds equally horrific.

Yes, i suppose it should be "normal" !

I haven't got the energy to get emotional with him, pointless anyway an it'll only end up with him getting angry & me getting upset, having a sleepless night and having a c**p today tomorrow.

Understand your thinking though, Dignified :)

had to ask h when he could next take me to physio (too far for me to drive atm) he said he was busy all nxt week apart from one afternoon. I then decided to go upstairs but needed my step at the top as ankle hurting alot.(helps me get to standing positon) He must have moved it and said it had been moved, then askd for my frame which he did't know the wherabouts of, it was then I must have moved it.

Oh dear, i feel so low and miserable, why oh why is this so hard:(

He's continues to be very "nice" asking if i needed anything, did i want anything carried upstairs, etc. I'm struggling to stop myslef going downstairs to ask for a cuddle - silly me...

Oh Dear.

I think Onelast , that until you have a vision of a happier life , one you can get enthusiastic about , the life you have now will often seem ok , you need a mental comparison , a taste of it.

Do you work ? Do you get out much on your own with freinds ?

Hello Dignified :)

No i don' work atm, but am trying to set up a little business of my own. I do normally get out with friends but it's been harder recently because of my ankle

He may be behaving nicely, but you, his wife, need physio for a broken ankle, and he claims he's too busy to accommodate you. I hope whatever he's busy with is very, very important, because most employers would be pretty decent about needing to take a family member to the hospital.

I'll tell you a little story. XH loves to be needed. Driving us around was his particular "thing". On occasion he would say he was too busy to drive me somewhere, and there'd be some awfully good reason why I couldn't take the car. Even when we had a car each, there was still a good reason why one couldn't be driven (often very tenuous) or why it was absolutely necessary for him to take me, eg an alleged dodgy area I shouldn't be on my own in . If I arranged my own transport he would either suddenly be able to take me after all, or be unaccountably furious, sometimes both. It took a long time to realise he didn't want me to be independent. I had believed he was being kind, but the reaction to me making my own arrangements just didn't fit in with kindness. (No, I'm not a terrible driver, since you ask, and when it suited him for me to drive places, like helping him fetch a friend's car to work on, or taking the DCs to visit someone he didn't want to see, he didn't have any problem with it!)

Ring any bells? Can you book a taxi to and from the hospital, or borrow a friend? It isn't good to be 100% reliant on one person even if that person isn't suspected of playing control games. (Disturbing about the footrests or whatever walking themselves around the house, gaslighting anyone?)

It might help you to write down what you would need in order to be happy , a description of what your life COULD be like.
Dont include your H , or any man in this , leave relationships out of it.

Perhaps you always wanted to be a lawyer ect but put it off , perhaps youd want a better social life or to persue a particular hobby ?
At the moment there is too much emphasis on your H , you possibly look to him to meet your needs and make you happy , whereas it needs to come from the inside . When we bank on others to make us happy we can become their emotional slave. We end up needing them and tolerating stuff we shouldnt because they are our lifeline.

Get excited about YOUR life Onelast , and all the possibilitys instead of worrying about your H. Fancy being a lawyer / nurse / scientist / vet ect ? Its all out there for you , anything is possible ! Really !

The highlight of your day should NOT be about him asking if you want a drink. Why hand over control of your feelings to him ? Why should your mood depend on him asking if you need anything ? Your mood is your own , take control . Get excited !

Perhaps you SHOULD picture a man in this idea. What would he be like ? Imagine snuggling up in an evening with someone who truly adores you , a best freind , someone who wants only good things for you , someone who sees you as an equal and encourages you to be everything you can be .
How fab would that be ?

My counseller asked me once if i knew anyone else with a similar charecter to my EH. I initially said no then it dawned on me that yes , of course i did. I had been dealing with these people my entire life .The charecters were almost identical. She talked about replaying things and i think she had a point.

A good freind who is very spiritual suggested that its no accident that we keep meeting the same people , they show us our weaknesses and they also teach us valuable lessons , if we dont learn from it , the " lesson " ( people ) keeps coming back until we do .
Same person , differant faces or " masks ". Its a bit out there i know , but something i started to wonder about.

Thanks annie and dignified :)

I've sent him a text telling him when my physio appt is. said if he couldn't take me i'd get a taxi.

In order to be happy, i'd like:

For ds to be happy, healthy and secure
for me to be happy,healthy and secure
For my business to be a success
for my ankle to be fully recovered
to be financially stable (not rich, just comfortable
To feel more relaxed and contented

If i were to describe my idea man:

Well to start with he'd have to be great with ds (or it's non starter!)
Honest
Listens to what i say and remembers
Expresses his feelings
Kind
fancies me and i fancy him - good sex:)
generous
Quietly sociable
Doesn't do things i find acceptable - ie ranting, esp in fron of ds
Accepts responsibility for hs own behaviour
Likes doing some of the same things but quite happy for him and me to have our own intersts too

Doesnt sound much like your H does it !

What were your parents like Onelast ? What do you think of the idea of same charecter / differant face ?

No not really. Dh is generous and good with ds but that's where it ends.

he just called to say he'd take me to physio.

I talked abot my parents earlier in the tthread. Particularly bad with father (now dead)

Just saw that.

Ignoring the technicalitys , they both sound very similar , ignoring your very basic right to be yourself , both punishing you unless you comply and refusing to " see " you. How awful.

These people are so damaged they cannot see themselves , let alone others. Its not your fault , and you cant fix it. If your H could be brutally honest he would tell you openly that he has no desire to know you properly as a person , or to have you know him . He probably wanted a wife for social reasons , and squashes down any attempt you make to be a real live person with thoughts and feelings of your own. Your role is to play " Dolly " and keep quiet , when you do your rewarded with offers of drinks and polite requests about your day.

Some cultures have got women playing " Dolly " down to a fine art , theyre threatened with death or imprisonment if they dare to be a real live person or even venture out on their own or dont cover up.

Written down it sounds quite easy to stand up to someone or say " fuck off ". I used to hate myself for not being able to assert myself . My counseller asked me how i felt when my H was being abusive to me . I instantly repled " Like a little kid again ".
And this is the problem, little kids dont have a voice , they have neither the confidence or the knowledge to say No. They are helpless.

Whenever he was a shit to me i instantly reverted to kid mentality , with him being the angry parent. That little girl you were couldnt say anything onelast , but you can now, counselling will help you. Have you managed to get in touch with your local womans aid ?

People have forced you to stuff your charecter down for far too long.

I'm horrifed. He's using your disability against you! At least you spotted that your step & frame haven't moved themselves, and you didn't move them either. Does he imagine you suddenly got better, moved your own safety equipment for a laugh, then sprinted back to the bottom of the stairs and crawled up??!
You do see that he moved them TO MAKE YOU SUFFER, don't you :(

The business about giving you lifts is so that he can control your movements. I'm worried about your ankle - is it healing as expected? Please book a minicab or ask a neighbour to get you to the doctor and the physio - you need a proper checkup, and you don't need him controlling it.

To be fair grace, i have been walking up the stairs for the last few days so haven't needed the step. Was just v sore last night.

My ankle is doing ok thanks, just a long process as so badly broken!!

he did call to say he could take me to physio, was very pleasant, asking about my day, and how ds had been

Wondred if you of you are there atm. I feel so awful. had a friend round this afternoon and felt a bit better (well distracted anyway!) when she was here. dh just being "nice", gone out to the shops to get a few things i needed now. But hasn't commented on my low mood...

I expect he'll make a comment about it tomorrow and says it's me beig negative...

Im not being tight OL but i sort of hope he does ( for your sake ) so you get out of this self doubt. In fact i hope he behaves like a prick again so you can get a good look at him .Why not end the acting by asking something of him ? Your probably still at the stage where you know , deep down , but dont want to beleive it.

I was thinking about this earlier. My EH is being unpleasant to one of my dcs , hasnt phoned her for weeks because she dared to question him. Shes quite upset. I thought back to all the " issues " in my marriage and how i perceived them at the time . I used to think " oh, were having a communication problem / money problem / in law problem / sex problem / housework or whathave you problem .

We really werent . We were having a problem every time i expressed an opinion that was differant to his , or if i DARED to be upset with him , he would quite literally be outraged screaming and shouting. Eg what do i mean i dont fancy a shag ? Im a fucking evil rotton little fucker ect ect ect. You can imagine . He couldnt see that i was a seperate person with my own thoughts and feelings . It infuriated him , and he saw this as me being willfully disobdeiant.

These people have a fucked up idea of relationships , they see you as an extension of themselves , they simply cannot see you. Think about it. Apart from the questions about fetching a drink or a general enquiry into your day , when does he EVER ask you anything about you , what you think or how you feel ?

He never asks because he thinks he knows, he thinks he knows you better than you know yourself which he demonstrates every time he " tells " you what you are , or what you meant , or what your intentions were.

Seriously , when did he last ask you what you felt or thought about something ?

he asked how i was with ds being at school now. But i know what you mean, he doesn't really ask how i feel. he offerred me a foot run while i was sitting downstairs looking miserable. i declined, so i expect that'll be another "negative". he'll say he's been trying - eg by doing shopping, ccoking, offerring me footrus, etc ....but not once has he asked whats wrong or why i'm so withdrawn and sad

We dont tend to ask questions we already know the answers too. Imagine if it was the other way round, hes quiet and clearly upset , i think you would go out of your way to find out what was wrong.

Stand by for an outburst OL , he,ll be mentally storing up all these " favours " hes done for you , driving you here and there , phoning every day to make sure your ok, offered you drinks ect, what more do you want ect. I dont think it will be long before he tires of the act.

My bet is that theyll be an explosion before the week is out , youll be ungratefull, nothing is ever good enough ,he,ll probably throw in a bit of gaslighting too for good measure. You can actually hear his mentality loud and clear , hes been trying , by COOKING, SHOPPING , OFFERING DRINKS. In other words , hes had to make an effort to do these things for his sad wife who has broken her ankle , it doesnt come naturally for him to do these things for you , he as good as said it.

Sad thing is OL , you know its coming , ( so do i ) is just a case of when.

yes, dignified i'm sure your're right about him storing up all the things he's been doing. Sas thing is i do still need his help because of ankle. I ned him to do some stuff for my business on saturday, so i'd better make sure i don't make him angry if we have our weekly chat tonight - or he might not do what needs doing. He's still even kissing me goodbye when he leaves in the morning...

so i'd better make sure i don't make him angry if we have our weekly chat tonight - or he might not do what needs doing.

Thats horribly manipulative , and shows that really , he doesnt give a shit if your cross or upset , he only gives a shit if you dare to show it . How dare you feel a certain way OL , you better pretend to feel how he wants you too or theyll be trouble.

While you need him to do things your at his mercy really. Is there any freinds who could help you on Saturday ?

I know, most of the time he's been helping out but when he was really angry (the day he accused me of abusing him) he refused to do something for me that he's previously agreed to do, so i'm a bit nervous now.

there isn't really nayone else who can help out on sat unfort so hopefully he'sll still do it