H using self help book in row

[onelastchance]

As some of you know from other posts, dh and i have been having a vry tough time.

I bought a couple of books, oe about anger management and one about emotional abuse. We have a weekly chat to discuss what we've agreed to read the previous week.

had a row (ironically about him not doing excercised in the book). It escalated s i was too upset to make u with him despite him making a few attempts. he then started ranting about it beig me who was abusing him and shouting really loudly all in front of ds (4). He stomed out of house and i could't help crying which then made poor ds cry too :(

H bought presents for me and ds in the evening to say sorry and if the shouting/ranting had ben a one off, i'd be ok now. trouble is, i'm pretty sure it'll happen again.

Am i being ureasonable for being upset about him not putting more effort into the reading and then refusing to make up with him?

Patience , fantastic about you starting your own business , i bet your dcs are so proud of you !

Onelast , i met a brilliant counseller through WA . She knew exactly what i was saying and was often angry on my behalf which was really comforting after being told i was wrong for years.

The sessions were often painfull and i sometimes felt i was betraying EH by talking about him in such detail . I also felt ashamed that i had put up with such bad behaviour over the years too. More than anything i was outraged that i had tolerated his abuse of me ( he was sexually abusive )and i would regularly rage and cry.

Despite the tears, there were often times that we would laugh and laugh , it was like having a brew with a good freind. One time i was crying and ranting about him always showing me his arsehole and his horrible farts ( i know lol ) . When i looked up her shoulders were shaking , she was laughing so much she couldnt speak, not perhaps very proffesional some would say , but she was a warm loveley woman.

I came home from every single session feeling lighter, free , awake , everything suddenly made sense to me, and everything looked differant too . I SAW things properly , i hadnt really been looking before. I learned to " live in the moment " , learned how i arrived here , and most importantly I also learned to let it go, to " forgive " him in a sense, he is what he is , a damaged individual who does not see others.

I really hope you find someone you like at your local WA Onelast , i cannot stress the differance it made to me.

You know i might phone up a local branch of WA myself tomorrow Dignified and see about more specialised counselling to help me move on

Just to say, i bought the book, the emotionally abusive relationship as i thought maybe from what a friend had said my P behaviour was in there. When i brought up the subject with him, and pointed out indeed he was in there, he managed turn it round on me saying I use him as his emotional punchbag. (nothing could be further from the truth) and every argument since he had use this line. Fortunately I've ended it, he is now an X. But i'm pregnant with our 2nd child so no getting rid for good.
I dont know your history, but if he's not taking responsibility for his actions & blaming everything on you still, i dont think he's going to change.
They never see their role in anything, you will always be to blame, no matter how ridiculous.

Hi Freedom, sorry to hear you've been through this too. Must be especially hard as you're pregnant. You must be vert brave :)

So confusing as dh being quite nice today. asked how i was with ds goign to school. he's now out doing the food shopping

Did you ever get the Londy book i remember there's a bit that says "They arent always abusive if they were you would leave, instead they con you with the minimum of acceptable behaviour to confuse you ,so you stay"

In my opinion it just proves these guys know excactly what they are doing !

I've ordered it, just not arrived yet!

and the last 2 nights he's come up to see me before going to bed to offer me a back rub!

Just wondered if there was anyone there? Feels so confused atm and feeling maybe i'm being unfair to dh. he's been trying to chat to me but i've been quite distant with him and not siad alot. He's not qustioned it, just carried on as usual

He hasnt questioned it because he knoes full well , he wouldnt want to hear your response.

His " nice " (normal ?) behaviour was intended to acheive this result. Do you feel tight for ringing womans aid , wondering if things really are that bad ?

If so im not surprised. How about testing the theory that youve been hard on him ? Seriously ?
How about later on attempting to have a meaningfull conversation, not about the weather , but about something important ?

How about suggesting counselling , or telling him the truth, that youve not been happy for a long time , what does he suggest you both do to improve things ? Watch the nice guy act disapear fast , your likeley to get berated for " all hes done for you lateley ",and accused of being nasty .

If you really think your being unfair, test it, its the only way.

Meant to add too OL, HIS behaviour hasnt changed too much lateley, although he has attempted to show some basic consideration.

Its your behaviour thats changed lateley, seems like youve stayed out of his way, asked very little of him and not expressed how you feel , instead youve kept quiet.

Result ! Peace and quiet and a bit of consideration , your reward for putting up and shutting up. Tell him your upset about something hes done or not done , see what happens.

Thanks Dignified. There's not point in talking, it never gets us anywhere - i know i can't change him.

Yes, I do feel a bit mean for ringing WA. I suggested a few weeks ago, we both go to counselling abgain, he didn't see the point. I've told him i still plan to go myslelf.

Yes my behaviour has changed, just talking about "safe" things and not "enagaging" with him much.

Pretty sure you're right about why he hasn't asked - he doesn't want to know.

I'm sure that if we have our "weekly chat" he complain i've been withdrawn and unfriendly....

OLC - I've been following your thread and you have been getting good advice from others. I understand you confusion, but you do know that it is the confusion that prevents you from taking action. My H went through a period where he was miserable and emotionally/verbally abusive to me and dc (and physically occasionally - pushing/shoving etc.). It was something that crept up on us over time and left me a complete and utter mess. I was unable to trust my own judgement over big or small things. I was constantly defensive and felt as though I was walking on eggshells all the time. Once I realised what was happening I confronted H. He finally organised therapy for himself (and me for myself) and has been going weekly for the last year (as have I). It is only now that I feel he has really understood what his behaviour was like. He is now openly apologetic (as in, will bring up the past himself and express remorse), and actively working to improve his relationship with me and dc. He tried the 'good behaviour' thing for a while in the beginning, expecting me to be impressed, and for me to then 'just move on'. However I still felt as though I could not trust him to revert. And he did indeed revert to type on many occasions this past year.
But we are getting to the stage now where I can see that he has understood the effect his atrocious behaviour has had. He seems to have gotten a grasp of what being 'supportive' actually means.
I think your H is nowhere near this stage unfortunately. The fact is that you are avoiding confrontation and bottling up your feelings. I think you are afraid that you will upset everything by being confrontational, but actually you need to stand up for yourself and express your feelings. Otherwise this situation of semi-existence will continue and you will be no happier in the long run.

If he was a nice bloke would you have started this thread?

Good question Patience!!

If he was a good bloke you and me wouldnt be having this converation x

I remember your other thread, and nothing has changed. The pattern is, you tell us in great detail about how awful he is and how unhappy you are, and then whan anybody says 'maybe you should leave him' you say 'what makes you say that?'

Followed with mentions of him making you lunch or booking a restaurant, and how this has now confused you.

I think you need a lot of help but ultimately there is no cure or fix for this except for time - it clearly hasn't 'dropped' for you yet that you must leave this unhappy relationship. Others on here know loads about abuse and have given great advice, I know nothing about abuse but can see from what you have posted that neither you nor your DH are remotely happy in this 'relationship' and that both of you are now reduced to picking a scab and inflicting yourselves on each other rather than getting anything positive from each other's company at all.

I think that you have decided to deal with this by focussing endlessly on tiny minutae like 'I didn't answer the phone, should I phone him back' etc and turning every spoken word and breath into a dramatic scenario, rather then just stand back, look at the big picture and say right, I've tried my very best but now I'm out of here.

Nobody here can make you leave your relationship. Only you can get there in your own time. But if you're waiting for an answer that isn't 'sweetheart, leave him' then I don't think you're going to get one.

Stop looking at the small print, there's nothing miraculous hidden in there. He's telling you openly who and what he is. Believe him.

Morris, yes i know noone can make me leave him. It just really helps to talk things through on here as i often wonder if maybe i'm exaggerating or maybe he's not that bad.

It really helps to get an objective opinion and i have started to help myself but making a counselling appt and calling WA.

Everyone's relpies are really appreciated :)

I get it, onelast :) I did like MZ's post - I reckon it helps to get a sharp tug from Planet Normal now & again! - but I've been "in the fog" like you; it can be quite a challenge to realise the normal world is different from the life you're living. You had a dad who ignored you & acted as if you were worthless. You married a man who does exactly the same. You're used to it. (I honestly believed all men beat up their wives, until I was 35. It was a fact ... in my life.)

Finding out your life isn't normal, and could be a whole lot better, is quite a lot to take on board. You have been doing this through your threads, haven't you? You're seeking outside help in real life, which is absolutely essential and I hope you feel proud for doing it!

To recap: The times when your H is being "nice", he isn't being nice by most ordinary standards. He's being ordinary. It only seems nice to you, because you've not had enough niceness in your life yet. That's very sad. You are breaking out of this, and you will go on to live in the normal world, where niceness is everyday :)
You questining of what you "should" do and how to respond is touching, because it means you now realise you haven't yet got a full set of ordinary values, and are seeking guidance.

I sometimes feel exasperated, too, but underneath I know you're taking wise an courageous steps. We're all cheering you on.

Thanks Grace.

Dh thinks he is nice to me and i'm high maintenance so will never be happy :(

I hope i will be and i am making little steps towards that now :)

Just to say I just booked counselling through WA and i am going to my local centre
never done dv / abuse counselling b4 v xcited !!!

Well done Patience - hope it goes well :)

I tried to call my local one again today but no luck so will try again tomorrow

Keep trying OLC, just think anyone that can help me move on must be a good connection to make,not for another x2 weeks but on the calender.

I think your doing really well Onelast .

Often there is no lightbulb moment, we often know what the final outcome is going to be , but want to exhaust every possibility before we admit defeat. Also we are not sure of our own judgement and need to double check that were not wrong. I actually let my eh wreak war on me in a variety of ways , it was extremeley serious , i could have stopped him, but i didnt, i wanted to see. Picking at a scab is a good description.

Every post , every question you ask yourself is one step closer to seeing the truth . Seeing something you dont want to see is no easy task. All of us in your position wanted to be wrong.