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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I have handled this?

356 replies

Squished · 22/08/2010 23:38

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

OP posts:
glastocat · 24/08/2010 17:04

Oh its so horrible when these threads go quiet like this. Please let us know you are ok.

sorrento56 · 24/08/2010 17:05

I have a bad feeing about this Sad.

AnakisT · 24/08/2010 17:07

Squished.....Even if you don't want to go into detail please let us worried mumsnetters know that you are ok?

oldenough2knowbetter · 24/08/2010 17:44

Of course poor OP has gone quiet. Some people here have openly discussed reporting her family to the police!!!! And this at a time when she is seeking help and advice. In her mind at least, the last thing she needs is police and SS.

I agree that her DH's behaviour was wholly inappropriate but I disagree that upping and outing instantly is wise either - she seems to be in no immediate danger and it would be better to sort out the health insurance point (I agree, btw, that DD would continue to be a dependent even if not physically residing with her father) and access to hospitals etc before leaving.

Poor Squished, you must be very conflicted. It is startling to post something you are not sure about on MN and then find yourself struggling up from under yet another pile of bricks.

Incidentally, the offence is only committed if DH caused DD to watch for the purposes of his own sexual gratification. It would be very difficult/ impossible to get such a prosecution to stick on this kind of (lack of) evidence - which is NOT to say that I don't believe OP absolutely, it's just these things have to be shown beyond reasonable doubt and a defence barrister could easily sway a jury into thinking that the DH might have honestly saw DD's presence as an irritant and not as an added sexual turn on.

It is nonetheless worrying that Squished needs to have someone in RL ding her normality meter and does seem to indicate past abuse - so Squished, that is your answer. No, it is not normal and yes, you should start taking steps to address it. Good luck, you sound sensible and strong and will be fine in time.

FluffyCut · 24/08/2010 17:52

Oldenough - this isnt the time or place really, but I think your comments are unhelpful. Many posters have posted many offers of help from practical to emotional. Many posters have spent hours and hours worrying about op and her dc. To say she has had to 'struggle up from under yet another pile of bricks' because of posts on here is untrue and unpleasant.

Many posters are worried about the op's dc. To say that she hasn't been back because of discussion over the dc's safety is incorrect - she has actually been back a couple of times since then.

As for 'no immediate danger' - really? Hmm she has already said he has sexually assaulted her in front of her dd, I'm not sure what you believe to be 'no immediate danger'?

I will leave it there, as I previously said, I doubt this is helping the op if she is reading.

wouldliketoknow · 24/08/2010 17:57

old enough, you should be old enough to know better, what fluffy said!

FluffyCut · 24/08/2010 18:00

squished - if you do get chance poppet, just post to say 'im ok', if you can, it would let lots of us sleep easier tonight. I know 'wouldliketoknow' is having kittens Smile No need to post anymore than that if you don't want to. xx

wouldliketoknow · 24/08/2010 18:05

sorry, i don't know the expression 'having kittens', please explain, i'll add it to my repertoir

oldenough2knowbetter · 24/08/2010 18:20

Fluffycut - I didn't mean to be unhelpful to Squished. She has a lot to contend with at the moment and is clearly feeling fragile and vulnerable.

I agree maybe not time or place and yes, many posters have been, and often are, immensely helpful and supportive, but it only takes ONE to threaten the police/ss to make an OP defensive - yes, the OP may make one or two more posts saying they are listening and are going to take it all seriously just to get those MNers off their back (because in the end everyone is terrified at the minutest threat of having their children taken away which is how this could be read) and then they won't be back and that is a great shame, and hardest of all on the OP.

juicy12 · 24/08/2010 18:21

"having kittens" - worried, in a bit of a state.
Haven't posted on this thread yet, but it's been in my mind since the beginning. I really hope Squished can post to let people know she and the girls are OK.

wouldliketoknow · 24/08/2010 18:25

quite worried yes, i don't often encounter this kind of stuff, or could be hormones, gave birth not that long ago...

oldenough, i don't see your point, and i don't know what you are trying to achieve, in any case, nobody wants squised's dds taken away from her...
i was going to write you a lecture but i don't see how it would help.

FluffyCut · 24/08/2010 18:27

wouldliketoknow - as juicy says just means 'on tenterhooks' type thing Smile

emmyloulou · 24/08/2010 18:30

I do see what old enough is saying, people have been very supportive, but about 8 pages of this thread some of it was quite aggressive IMO, we know what he did was sick, wrong and illegal. Op realises that I believe but sometimes using a sledge hammer to crack a nut is not appropriate, highlight the point sure, but for 8 odd pages was unecessary.

Bringing up police/ss was a bad idea I think not to mention MNHQ couldn't do much, it's the net who is to say what is un/true.

I think she is just trying to explain why op may have backed off, last page or so excluded, I found a lot of posts to be unecessary and full on. It's a strong subject of course, but I think repeating it again and again has a negative effect.

I hope op is well, and is making plans to go.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 24/08/2010 19:03

oldenough - is that really true about the law? wouldn't it be argued that since he had brought the DC into the room, and made no effort to remove her while he performed it, that indicated that he wanted her there?

Original poster
Squished · 24/08/2010 19:07

Hi everyone. I'm okay. Don't want to go into too much detail just now as I don't don't have much time left on my broadband connection (OpenZone connection). Will try to be back on later. Please don't worry about me! Blush

OP posts:
loopyloops · 24/08/2010 19:09

Oh thank god. Take care xx

wouldliketoknow · 24/08/2010 19:11

good to hear, can breathe now...

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 24/08/2010 19:12

phew, hope you are all fine and safe x

sorrento56 · 24/08/2010 19:15

You sure you are okay? How is your dd?

greenscarf · 24/08/2010 19:15

Oldenough, I think you are referring to my posts regarding Police and Social Services. I did not threaten the OP to call them, I simply voiced my concern and the difficulties I am having knowing that there might be a child at risk, I know about it and yet I am not doing anything about it.

I do think that very often in MN there are posts where extremely serious situations are talked about and I do wonder if sometimes we should be doing more than just reading and offering our compassion. I think it is a valid concern to have.

I think me, like everyone else in this post, just wants what is best for the OP and her DDs.

wouldliketoknow · 24/08/2010 19:20

greenscarf, i wonder the same think, but this is not the place, i'll start a thread/survey to see what other mumnetters think

Mumi · 24/08/2010 19:34

Just checking in, Squished. Glad you're okay. Please don't be embarassed about us being worried. We're here for when you can/want to talk. x

mumof2point5 · 24/08/2010 19:47

Hi Squished

i have been lurking since the beginning and so glad to see your post this evening (i have been holding my breath every time i logged in!)

i don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said and just hope you and your child are ok

please post if anything practical that you need

x

glastocat · 24/08/2010 19:49

Phew, thanks so much for checking in. Glad to hear you sound ok.

stubbornhubby · 25/08/2010 09:07

squished

this is how my employers health insurance (which is a well know UK firm) works.

  • I can choose family or individual cover
  • both are paid by my employer, but health insurance is a taxable benefit, so family gives me a higher tax bill
  • I have to explicitly name all family members on the policy
  • family is partner, and unmarried children up to 21
  • I just phoned the insurance co helpline and they said there is no problem continuing to naming children as family memmbers after a divorce. it doesn't matter which parent they live with (they can't live with both of you) and in normal circs they will be dependents.

I would be very surprised if your policy was any different - but of course you should phone the helpline and also i think you'll need to speak to the employers HR dept.

So if your policy is the same then it will depend on your husband - in the event of separation he could decide to remove your daughter from the policy. But that wouldn't be the sort of person you'd want to stay with.

the other thing to remember is that corporate health insurance only lasts as long as he keeps his job, anyway.

"family member ?
(1) the policyholder?s current spouse or civil partner or any person (whether
or not of the same sex) living permanently in a similar relationship with the policyholder and
(2) any of their or the policyholder?s unmarried children. Unmarried children cannot stay on your policy after the renewal date following their 21st birthday or 24th birthday if in full-time
education"