How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

How are you today Squished? :)

Hope you are ok Squished. I've just re-read the whole thread.

To me, apart from what he did to you, it seems as if there are elements of grooming behaviour. Often, a child told to look away, does just the opposite especially if it's done in a jokey way. The other thing is that his 'demeanour' will have been different from normal, such as his breathing.

Sorry, but from personal experience over many years it really does seem like grooming to me.

how are you squished? are you ok?
i hope you can get info in the health insurance and everything goes as good as possible with the treatment, but i also wish that you can be safe with your girls, and happy.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry I didn't come back on yesterday, I ran out of credit on my OpenZone voucher at hospital, and at home I was too exhausted to string a sentence together!

So I told him. As I expected, there was no screaming or yelling or throwing things. He accepted that what he did the other morning was wrong, but he couldn't tell me how he expected me to respond. Apparently it's my fault for "making him feel like a rapist". And I'm too sensitive as well for taking everything he says as a criticism .

It seems the question of insurance may be irrelevant. Last week his boss asked him to seriously think about resigning. He didn't tell me because "I think he's too negative". Oh and that's my fault too for not ironing his shirts... bad bad wife!

I think it says everything that the first thing he did yesterday morning was to let me know that he's changed the password for our online banking. He'll make sure that there is enough money in the joint account until I can get my own access though - isn't that gracious of him.

Well that's it then isn't it? Now you walk.

Yes, I suppose so Madonna. Now I just have to figure out what the heck I do next.

Have you contacted womens aid? That might be a good first step :)

Tell him to leave. It will be easier than you and DCs having to go. If he kicks up a fuss, tell him you'll report him to the police. The thought of having to sign the sex offender's register for the rest of his life ought to spur him into action.

I've been looking at the CAB and WA websites. I think I need to start making lists. It's all rather overwhelming.

It is, do you need help with what you need to be doing?

you know that from his boss or from him?

could be a little line thrown in....has there been a written warning that you have seen? do you know things directly frmo his work? or you taking his word for it?

can you move money from joint account to your own account right now?

Well done for tackling this Squished. You are very, very brave. Keep going love.

Yes well done. This next bit is probably going to be horrible but it will be immeasurably worth it in the end. Be brave, we all know you can do it.

Oh Squished, glad in a way that he was such an unmitigated twat, at least it stops you having second thoughts.

You made him feel like a rapist? I've got tears in my eyes reading this from the sheer wrongness/unfairness. Blaming a sexual assault victim for being sexually assaulted...

You need to take passports and see solicitors ASAP if he's playing funny business with the money.

Lists are your friend
Would agree with staying in the house
Can you contact his company's HR dept to ask them to investigate the insurance issue in confidence?
Let us know if anyone here can do owt to help

May be start a new thread asking for help in leaving? Practical advice etc? There's a lot to read here and you don't want people who've just read the OP coming in with something irrelevant.

Have you told your parents? Where is he living now?

squished well, done, i can't imagine how difficult that was for you to confront him.

have you told him you want him to go? it says it all when he cuts you off financially staright away. it just shows what his priorities are. tbh i woulodn't take his word wrt his boss asking him to resign, it could be a story to limit the amount of child maintenance you try and get from him. find out from his boss if it's true.

tell your parents, get as much support around you as possible and yes, make lists of what you need to do, who you need to contact etc.

i am so glad you have taken this huge decision. be strong, youhave done the right thing.

Squished, stay strong and keep posting. You will get loads of excellent advice.

squished, well done in being strong!
the no direct access to bank account business doesn't sound good, may have to spring into action sooner rather than later.
it might be a good idea to start a new thread, see if someone can give practical advise in how to leave/make him leave...

you have to be really proud of yourself!

Is it a joint account? I think you need an appointment with the bank manager pronto.

Have you spoken to WA? That would be a good 1st point of call.

Please let us know if there's anything we can do, and stay strong, you're doing so well.

Another thought, would telling your in-laws help? Maybe they would take him away and keep tabs on him? (ie. financially)

You should also have online access to the joint account I'm sure. You don't need to use his password. My DH and I both have online access to our joint account - but diff signing on numbers and p'words. I know cause I got fed up with DH using mine and getting it wrong, voiding my p'word, so I made him get his own. Only took a phone call to set up.

Sorry this is happening to you. You sound like a lovely person. Have been following the thread too and glad you are taking control. Good luck x

if it's a joint account, you should be able to access it in the branch (unless it's like ING where it's internet only)

I'd advise you to go to the the branch and set up your own personal account in the morning and withdraw as much money as you can from the joint account.

I would advise opening an account in a different branch, though, in case of linked account information.
withdraw it in cash (by banker's draft if necesary) over the counter and deposit it directly into an account of your own.

good luck x

This man doesn't think you are a person at all, and withdrawing financial support is a trick to compel you to be obedient. DOn't fall for it. Contact the bank and say you are separating from your H and (if the joint account is in credit) no withdrawals that put it overdrawn are to be made without your signature.

I wonder if he's about to lose his job or at least face a disciplinary for sexual assault or harassment in the workplace? Because his behaviour towards you and his DD is so predatory and revolting that it suggests to me the sort of bloke who leaves a trail of low-level sexual assault behind him, always done with a smile and a 'well you shouldn't dress like that if you don't want men to find you attractive' line of victim-blaming bullshit.

As others have said, don't be afraid to contqact Women's Aid for immediate practical help and advice. You may be able to throw him out of the house and have him barred from returning (yet he will still be legally obliged to pay maintenance). Remember that this man is a criminal, a sexual abuser and quite likely at least inclined towards abusing children as well as women, so whatever happens to him from now on is HIS FAULT and NO-ONE ELSE'S.
Best of luck in getting rid and in your DD getting the best treatment possible.