How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

Was just going to post that stuff can be replaced if that's why squished is going home but has just occured to methat her sick dd may in fact need stuff. And so squished may in fact need to go home.

I'm sure you know best, squished. All the luck in the world and remember to let us know how you are tomorrow, tonight, whenever.

good idea, can you take the dcs straight to your parents' now and go home for clothes etc?

Fluffy, I haven't responded to that question because I don't really know. We HAVE to be here (i.e. a few minutes from the hospital).

Swallowed, she has not been sexually abused, she has witnessed sometjhing horrible, but I WILL NOT let anything happen to her.

Right going home now. Will update when I can.

sorrento - very good advice

saf - thank you, I thought so too

anyway am off to feed many children. will be thinking of you squished.

Squished.

Well done.
I know you don't want to rock the boat, but if you don't speak up now you may very well regret it somewhere down the road.
The atmosphere your His creating will not be helping your DD's health.

Please, please don't believe him if when he tries to tell you you're over-reacting. YOU ARE NOT!

squished i am sorry but witnessing it means that she has been a victim of sexual abuse. you have to face the facts of what is happening to you and your dd.

Squished you've been given good sound advice - please stay safe and protect your DDs

what i am saying is, don't downplay this. i know it is an extremely hard thing to realise and admit but you will only act appropriatly when you accept what you are dealing with.

Is squished in the UK?

i think so sticky

This thread makes me feel ill. There is no excuse, you must get your children and yourself away from this man. This is an appalling situation, for god's sake listen to everyone on here and go to your parents and tell them what has been happening. You have no need to talk to him, you really have no choice but to leave.

I know you have the best intentions fluffy. It's hard to know whether the softly-softly approach is best or whether straight talking will do the trick. Who knows, your approach may be best.

SQUISHED- I know you will do whatever it takes to protect your dd's. But think of it this way- if a stranger did what your dh did in front of your dd this morning, you wouldn't let him anywhere near her again, right? So why does the fact that he's her father make a difference? I'm sorry to pressurize you and I know the instinct to just go home can be a very powerful one, but you have to accept that home may not be a safe place any more.

10 years, saF. the 6 months is for a "summary imprisonment" but I'm not sure what that means - pre-trial perhaps?

I don't know stickyj.

OP, the reason it is illegal to engage is sexual activity is front of a child, is because it is child abuse. It is listed under "child sexual offences" on the govt site I linked to. I imagine it is the same legislation that would be used on someone who exposed himself to little kids in the park. This is not less serious than that, this is more serious because he is in her home, she can't get away, and he has a duty to protect her.

Squished

Please re-read this by QS -

am almost certain she will be next. She will know what to do. Stay still with her eyes closed, while daddy gives her a "special cuddle".

Your daughter is already being sexually abused. What your H did was a crime, it was sexual abuse. A child does not have to be touched to be sexually abused. Witnessing sexual acts at an age old enough to comprehend and remember it IS sexual abuse. Your H seems to have an element of sexual arousal which actually involves your DD, the fact that he brought her into the room, made her complicit, ejaculated with her present tells me that he actually got aroused by her presence. this is already a violation of her and will escalate to touching. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

What do you hope to achieve by 'talking' to him? You cannot change a controlling, violent, raping, child abusing, bullying abuser into being a decent human being.

Your DD will remain his dependent until she is 18, and it is your job to protect her. Call women's aid and make a plan to get out, and now.

Really hope all goes well, and they are all safe.

Ok, you have a plan. Great. I agree I'm not sure that taking the girls home is the best of ideas, but you know what you're doing.

Some words of caution though:

He is already controlling your body and mind. Don't listen if he tries to downplay this.

He cannot change. This is the way he is. He can only get better if he has psychiatric help. You cannot help him get better unless you leave him. He will not get better without professional help. If you stay with him and enable this behaviour it will get worse.

I'm assuming that he has told you that if you leave him, DD won't be able to get her treatment in the US. Tell him that you know (lie if nec.) that this is not the case. He is using this to control you.

He will probably tell you that you need him, that the girls need him, that you won't find anyone else etc. This is not true. You are strong and a great mother. All three of you will be happier and safer without him.

He will probably say that DD saw nothing and therefore it's not a problem. You must stick to your guns when you tell him that it is in fact child abuse.

If you do have to have a frank conversation with him now, you may as well bring up his general behaviour towards you. Yes, this matter is more pressing, but it is all part of a bigger picture.

Please stay safe, keep those girls safe, and remember that he is ill but does not deserve your support at the moment. You and the children are the priorities.

Please leave him.

Thinking of you Squishy - hope we hear from you soon.

No, sorry, don't leave him, get him to leave.

What an awful situation

Please get out Squished.

I've nothing helpful to add but I am thinking of you squished and I know you can be strong enough to get yourself and your DCs out off all of this. I know you don't know me but I am in Lincs so if you are near me and need anything please let me know.

xxx

So sorry to hear whats been happening to you Squish. It will no doubt be to hard to read some of these responses , but seeing the severity of it in black and white can hopefully give you some strength to do what you have to do.

I was married to someone similar and i was groped and sexually assaulted on a regular basis , along with being emotionally, verbally and financially abused. Despite this i would actually convince myself it wasnt that bad, he was a great dad , i was over reacting ect.

The truth is the reality was too horrible to face , was easier to live in denial and stagger from day to day in a state similar to sleepwalking.

Your clearly starting to wake up to what is actually horrific abuse of you and your dd , posting here is a massive step.
I would encourage you to get as much real life support as you can Squish. Can you confide in your parents or womens aid ?

Like all abusers hes probably groomed you, manipulated you and chipped away at your confidence until your a shadow of your former self and firmly under his spell.

Tell others, start with your family , what is going on and break the spell. When you see peoples horrified reactions his words start to have less effect.

Id imagine this sexual abuse of you started slowly and escalated until your unsure of whats what. It will escalate further unless you remove yourself from him.

The prospect of leaving probably seems horrific, but i think the horrific bit is acknowledging that the person whos meant to love you is abusing you.

Tell your parents squish , break the silence and speak up for yourself and your dd , she cant speak for herself . Your conversation tonight will acheive nothing, he is what he is.

Just read this and exho what everyone is telling you - you must get out of there asap. Even if you confront him tonight and are okish with the outcome, you need to get away from him. I can't believe what he did in front of your 5 year old. What on earth will he stoop to next?

Squish, please answer this when you are next on - whereabouts in the UK are you? I understand if you don't want to say exactly, but just roughly, or tell us the hospital your DD is receiving treatment from.

Somebody here will be able to help somehow, it doesn't need to be overwhelming.

Please let us know you are okay Squished.