How should I have handled this?

[Squished]

This looks terrible written down in black and white. It wasn't as clear and obvious this morning. I wonder if I'm misinterpreting or misreading somehow. I need some perspective, although the way I've written it, I'm not sure what other perspective there could be.

This morning, DH brought DD upstairs into our bed as he and she were both awake before me. He gave her a sticker book to play with, and then sat back down at his computer. After a while, he decided it was time I got up (I was awake, but I still had my eyes closed, it wasn't that late, about 8 I think). So he told me that DD's feed was about to run out (she's on a supplemental feed through a gastrostomy atm) and I should go and get some more ready. I didn't move straight away so he said to DD, "I'll give mummy a cuddle, that'll make her get up". He lay down on top of me and basically started touching me and getting himself off. I asked him twice to stop and he ignored me, pushed his knee between my legs to get closer. I asked him to let me up and he said "DD isn't even looking". Obviously, at the sound of her name, she did look, and he told her (in a jokey way) to look away.

None of this was said nastily. He was smiling and acting normally. I didn't raise my voice or physically try to fight him off because of DD. I even wonder if that might be one reason why he brought her upstairs - because he knew I wouldn't fight in front of her? I've let her down so much. Between us, DH and I have basically taught her that no doesn't really mean no, stop means keep going.

This isn't normal, is it? Or am I overreacting?

He's been acting totally normal all day. I've been feeling more and more crappy as the day has gone on. I didn't even open my eyes this morning. I might as well have been a blow up doll.

What should I have have done to protect DD?

I'm not sure when I will be able to reply (it's taken me all day to write this), but I will be back when I can.

Yes, just wanted to agree with Sorrento, let us know you're OK and if there's anything we can do.

Am I right in understanding that you see it as vital to stay due to access to health insurance? That's something I've only ever heard in the US before. Are you sure that this health insurance gets you access to anything that isn't available on the NHS? My experience of health insurance is that it helps you jump the queue for tests and minor ops or choose an elective ceasarian and gets you a single room/wider menu. When it comes to serious illnesses, epecially in children, where is the advantage now that your daughter is already in intensive treatment?

If this insurance really could provide something that the NHS doesn't, are you saying that this man would allow his daughter to die rather than stop abusing her mother and concurrently abusing her?

Squished.

I would like to add my voice of support to this thread, what has happened is truly awful and I am wishing you all the best to sort this situation out ASAP.

One thing I wanted to add, is that it IS sexual abuse.

Look at it this way : If you came home to find your husband had showed your daughter a pornographic video of a man orgasming on a woman would you think that was acceptable and in any way NOT abusive?

Because thats what he just did. He just did it live.

Please, PLEASE look at this for what it is.

Good luck.

Just wanted to add Squish, when i was married and in a similar position , i often too wondered if i was overreacting / too sensitive / prude or whathaveyou. Its no accidant either.

When i went to counselling my counseller discussed this and suggested that i think of my sense of judgement as a measuring stick by which we decide what is acceptable to us and what isnt.

She said the problem with mine was that over the years he had marked it to his own standards, which were wrong.. Whenever i was unsure i referred back to the measuring stick which was of course measured wrong, because it was his, not mine.

She suggested that as mine was " faulty " at the moment, i looked for another measuring stick, ie my dcs. If ever i was unsure , i used them as a measure , ie

If my dd husband had done, said, implied or whatever to her , would i be ok with that ? If it isnt ok for her, its not ok for me. I know its a bit of a waffle , but its something that really helped me at the time to see things more clearly.

Hope your ok.

Eurostar, the situation is this:

The NHS has a limited ability to treat the cancer that her daughter has. She might well need specialist treatment. That treatment is only available in the US and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. If they need to go that route, they need the health insurance because they cannot raise that sort of money on their own.

The health insurance is provided by the husband's employer - I suspect it's a US or international employer. Squished is worried that if she leaves, her daughter is no longer listed as a "dependent" of her husband, and therefore not covered by the policy.

This has nothing to do with the husband's ability to provide medical treatment, it's just a matter of whether the policy will cover his daughter if he no longer lives with her or supports her.

Thank you all for the kind posts.

Squished

Your H touched you in a sexual way without your consent and did not stop when you gave him a minimum of 3 clear indications that you did not consent.
Your DD saw this.

This is a minimum of two serious offences. If a stranger did this to yourself and your daughter, you would consider him a sex offender and call the police.

One morning, during a weekend visit by my XP (which in this case does not mean DS's dad, by the way), while DS was playing in the room, XP got on top of me. I asked him what he was doing but got no reply. He forced himself upon me. I involuntarily cried out because he hurt me but could not say or do anything else in case it drew DS's attention. It was only when DS noticed anyway, asked what was happening and approached us that he stopped, got off and went to the bathroom without saying a word.

He didn't use protection and apart from briefly establishing that I would get the morning after pill, alone, we never spoke of it again.

Like you, I convinced myself that I must've gotten it all wrong and that I was to blame.
Like you, this was on top of a history of abusive behaviour which conditioned me to think this way.
Like you, I was mistaken in thinking that, because he didn't physically touch my DC, he can't be that bad.

18 months afterwards, during which time I was coerced into agreeing to him moving in and after which point the abuse got worse in differnt ways, it was only when he confessed to an affair that I felt I had a "valid" reason to tell him to leave and had the confidence to do so.

How messed up is that?

Squished, in your head you may find yourself thinking from time to time that you can let this go, but if you don't tell anyone else, it's in your heart that you'll never let it go.

Are you going to leave it as long as I have?

One difference between you and I is that, at the time, I didn't know about MN and all those here who prove time and time again that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

Everyone on this thread is here for you and so am I. Please keep talking.

Poor you, I am so sorry. Am just horrified by your description of what happened. Also by you being so unsure of yourself you thought you might be in the wrong yourself. What it must been like over the years for you to feel that way.

I don't have much experience of these things so I can't offer advice but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support, just to say again, don't doubt yourself. Your description of what happened was horrible and hideous and what he did was wrong. Don't doubt that. I'm glad you are getting so much good advice on the thread.

Don't doubt yourself on this.

I would try to get some legal advice, you can get half hour free consultations with some solicitors and you need someone to look into whether what your husband says about his insurance is true. Is your daughter still a dependent if you leave him? Will the insurance pay for the kind of treatment she might need in the US?

Have you also talked to her doctors? Is there anything further that can be done in the US that can't be done here? Do they agree? (Don't say they wouldn't would they, because I know some UK doctors at times get very stressed because they can't necessarily offer everything that can be offered over seas.)

Make absolutely sure that what you know is true not just based on things your husband may have told you.

Also think what is the worst thing that can happen, look at it very clearly, maybe it will help you make your decisions.

Any news lovely? How are you this morning?

Squished, I hope you are okay today and have your dd in a safe place.

Squished, I hope everything went ok last night and you are safe. We are here for you when you are ready to talk.

hope you ok today. he is a horrid man but agree no good will come of trying to discuss it - he will just manipulate. you just need to focus on you and DD and a way to get yourselves away from him, at least to get some perspective...
you ened to tell someone eg owmens aid, and also her doctors -eg does she have a play therapist? if not ask via cancer nurses/charity - if they do some role play with dolls with her it could be very telling ....

very hard for you - but as others said, NHS will do what they can for a child with cancer and unless you have sound evidence that a specific treatment has 10 per cent sucess rate in US then it is more likely to be experimental etc....and in any case no guarantee a insurance would pay for that particular treatment. you need some hard facts re: the insurance before using that as a reason to stay.... and ask if it is worth it to have her exposed like this?

in your july message you were already asking /thinking/wondering what is way forward - this incident has to be a catalyst in a way...so sorri you and dd going thru this but there is a way out and there are peopl who can give RL support eg womens aid and other local groups depending where you are.

realising what he is doing is wrong is a good first step.
it is ahrd when you in thick of it - and throw in a serous illness and even worse. you doing well to write on here, keep coming back, please

Hope you're ok Squished, if you need anything, post.

mummytime - I don't think the husband has said that, op is just worried dd might not be classed as a dependent if not living with the husband. From every thing I researched yesterday that is not true, a child is a dependent of the mother and father whereever they live. I'm not sure that private healthcare would cover anything such as treatment in the US though.

OP - if you want someone to phone the company and ask the general question re dependents then just put who the company is up.

Squishy, hope you're ok today...thinking of you.

squised hope you and dds are ok and safe today.
you need to know what the insurance covers, and if she will be a dependant not living with him, if it is a us company, don't worry for cost, i get free international calls, give us the number and name and i will make some enquires for you.

please, let us know you are ok

Hope you & yours are all ok x

God what a dreadful thread. I can add (or subtract) people from my company-provided healthcare once a year. I don't have to include a spouse or dependents if I don't want. It doesn't matter where a dependent lives as long as they are your child and under the age of 21 or a full time student.

Surely your husband would not prevent his DD from accessing treatment to punish you, would he??

my insurance is the same (PPP Axa corporate plan). I have DS and DH covered, but I can change my mind about that once a year, if I wanted to. However, I can't imagine anyone being so horrible as to delete his own child, who obviously needs the treatment.

i dont think op was suggesting h would take dd off the insurance, she was just worried that the insurance wouldnt cover dd if dd no longer lived with h (as it is his insurance) but we have all said that we're 99.999999% certain that a dependent is a dependent whereever they live and that we will phone and check with the company is she tells us which company it is.

FluffyCut - I have been a member of four different schemes. They are all the same - of course they don't stop cover when the parents split up, given that in most cases the children live with their mother and the father is the one who has the health cover.

Not a reason to stay.

Lady - I know, I too have been a member of 4 schemes

We've all said repeatedly that cover won't stop. A child dependent is a dependent (until 18/21 depending on scheme and education circumstances)

And, just to put her mind at rest, we will phone the company and check for her if she gives us the name.

i am just worried, squised said she was going to confront him last night, we haven't heard from her since.... might something had happened to her?

Squished - please let us know how you are, even if you don't want to post in detail.

squished, hope you're OK.

Are you OK? Please let us know you're safe.

We're here for you.

Sorry if we've upset you further. :(