Would you take your DC awayfrom their (fantastic) father for selfish reasons?

[FallingWithStyle]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago I moved with dc to a new home within the area.

Ex sees dc pretty much daily, does overnights whenever he can (because he wants to) even if he's been working all day he'll still pop in to have dinner with dc or just to say goodnight. He really is a fantastic father and we are very good friends.

I moved to this area to be with him at the start of our relationship ten years or so ago. I've never enjoyed being here, doesn't feel like home and all my family are in the town I left (couple of hours drive away). I would LOVE to go back there, it would be great for dc to be near cousins, anunts and uncles - we're a very close family.

When we split I chose to stay here to facilitate the relationship between ex and dc and decided to put more effort into making this my home, But it hasn't worked, my hearts not in it and I've not realy made any friends here, acquaintences but not friends. I just don't feel invested in being here, like I'm waiting for the time to pass.

Its a possibility that I may have to move house soon, and its suddenly dawned on me that I could just move back to my home town.
But ex would be heartbroken. I dread to think of the effect on dc (though I know that kids can be fairly pragmatic and adaptable and they would definitely feel the pluses of the move too).

I dont know, it just feels like a really, really unfair thing to do...

Could your ex change jobs and move close to your home town too as his children will be there?

I agree, it would be really unfair.
You might be nearer cousins and aunties, but he is their father which is far more important.

Wanttofly - unfortunately I'd be going from city to small town. Ex's career is very city based.
There may come a time when his job will take him abroad a lot and he has said himself that at that time it would make sense for me to move. But right now there's really no way he could be based anywhere but here.

Very true violethill.

Do you think your children would be better off having the continued contact with their Dad and then moving at a later date or moving now and having less contact with their Dad?

How old are the children?

Have you talked this over with your ex? If he has a good paying job and no new family could he afford to travle on the weekends to see his children? Could he stay the weekend at your new home to cut cost?

Difficult one in that it seems to be a choice between a mother who is unhappy now, & a father who will be unhappy.

Also, how old are the children?

Its actually just the dc, who's 4.5.
I was trying to be ambiguous so as not to be easily recognised in case any of my sisters read this as I'd never hear the end of it if they thought I was considering moving back

Part of my wanting to go back is for ds's benefit. I dont want him being used to this life where its just us here - even though its my own doing, I dont like that we come home shut the door and thats it. I was brought up with family and friends traipsing in and out of each others homes and I'd love that for him. Obviously I could change that somewhat by making more of an effort to be more sociable but even then its a big place and theres not much proximity withthe people i know. Even ds's school friends are scattered about. Ex has no family here at all, so there's nothing from his side.

I have talked about it with him and he clams up tbh, I dont think he can bring himself to discuss it. I f I did move I would do everything to make it easier for him - he would certainly be welcome to stay with us.

Re travelling costs, he is resonably well paid but debts are an issue - debts run up by both of us which he is repaying single-handedly.

Just the one dc....

How settled are they at school-would that be a big upheaval?

He's due to start reception at the school, and with the kids, he's just done a year of pre-school with.

He LOVES it, and has made lovely little friendships with the other kids.

Definitely another reason why it would be selfish to move.

Stay near his father and thank God you have someone who takes thier duties seriously after a split. Most don't it seems.

what a hard choice FWS - given that your relationship with your ex is so good, is there any chance you could sit down with him and talk it through - pros and cons for both of you and for your ds about you moving, how it would work in reality etc. Emphasise to him first that you are not happy where you live and have little going on outside the home - so this has occured to you as an option, but it is only an option, not a decision by any means.

You may find that he is likely to move jobs sooner than you realise, or that he would take up an opportunity which he would otherwise dismiss if he knew that you had this on the table as a possibility.

it is so important that you have something for yourself as a single parent that doesn't revolve around activities with dc. But clearly you have a really fantastic set up with an ex and you don't want to jeopardise that if possible. But you split up for a reason, and you cannot now live your life on the basis of what works best for your ex, even if he is fantastic and nice.

No, I wouldn't until he was old enough to travel back and forth himself a fair bit - I would think that was at least age 10 or so.

What I would do would be to try and spend every other weekend or so with the extended family if at all possible, to try and cultivate those relationships.

By the time your ds is a bit older the daily contact will be less important and he will be able to keep the relationship strong despite the distance, but for the time being the continued high level of contact is invaluable imo

I talk as a child of divorcees more than as a parent here, I guess.

Perhaps if you make a decision to stay-for example, there´s more incentive to make friends.

Also, could you think about visiting "back home" on a regular basis &/or have someone come to you?

If you really think you would be happier to move, then move. I have a very simelar situation to you with my ex, we are great friends, and he is a fantastic Dad. But we have both moved on with our lives now, what happens if you or he meets someone else that you want to share your life with?

Like you have said, your ex can come and stay with you for weekends, or maybe sometimes on a weeknight, presumably you could stay with him too? Your DC is still very young, and will probably adapt perfectly well. It would be easier to do it now than wait until he's older, settled in school with firm friendships, and you are completly miserable. Sometimes doing what is best for you is also what is doing best for your children, listen to your heart, and go if you want to go. From what you have said about your dc's relationship with his Dad, it's not going to be damaged because of a couple of hours drive. And it won't be long until your ex can take dc for weekends on his own, do you want to have friends and family around you when that happens,or do you want to be stuck on your own?

Curlymama - I'm currently on my tod as ds is away to the beach for a few days with his dad... I've barely seen him in the last two weeks tbh!

MaPrentice - he knows its a consideration for me. It upsets him a lot and he clams up when I try to discuss. He says he'll do anything if we'd just stay

ib - thank you, thats helpful to hear from your perspective as a child of divorced parents. And I think you're absolutely right that if I stay I need to make it a proirity to spend more time visiting the family - I tend to avoid it now as I find it quite upsetting coming home again.

diddl - yes I would definitely have to make a concerted effort this time with friends, Its hard though, my heart just isn't in it. But I realise thats silly and self-defeating.

Moondog - yep, he's a good 'un.

What kind of distance are you talking about?

I think you do need to put some more effort into making local friends (because I don't think a move at the moment is a good idea). It sounds as though you have kind of fixated on the idea that where you live is 'not home' and therefore not worth trying to make friends or put down any roots there. Are there no local clubs to do with any hobbies that you or your DS might enjoy? Things that focus on a shared activity are often a good wy of making friends.

And what's that like for you? Is it because you are on your own that you are thinking of moving so much at the moment?

I know when my dc's are away with their Dad I would be completely miserable if it weren't for DH and the fact that I can catch up with friends easily.

I just think that you have every right to be happy yourself, and even though you will of course experience that mothers guilt that we all have over things, that doesn't mean you are doing wrong by your child. My dc's have an excellent relationship with their Dad, despite only seeing them at weekends. The only thing that might be harder is when your ex want to come to sports days and stuff like that at school, but even things like that are not impossible to deal with, and look at how much your dc will benefit from having other family around too.

I'm only encouraging so much because I guessed from the tone of your OP that you do want to move, and if you do, then there is no harm going to be done in the long run!

Do you mind my asking why the relationship didn't last? He sounds like a real catch.

how about giving it a set amount of time - eg 1 year and if you are incredibly unhappy and miserable despite best efforts you move. if not unhappy but also not content at the end of a year, give it 1 or 2 more. If after eg 3 years it is no better, you say enough and move?

you may find with ds starting school you make more friends through school gate etc. depends on your work situation - which makes me think that a lot depends on your work situation too, are you SAHM, WOHM or p/t? cos if SAHM then it may have been really hard for you as it just you and ds all the time - but school will help and being SAHM means you would be around to take advantage of that. WOHM has different implications of course.

Aaaw curlymama thats such a sweet and kind post. It's quite difficult really to prioritise my own happiness over everone elses. Its nice at least to hear that it wouldn't be such a terrible thing to do that sometimes. Thank you.

atswim - its a two hour drive.

sgb - agree with you there, it's the doing it though... in truth i've spent ten years avoiding puting down roots

I think if you're going to move eventually, sooner is better than later. And if youre unhappy, your son will pick up on this...

Could you move to somewhere inbetween as a compromise? So youre closer to your family but not too far from your Ex?

atswim - it was my choice, i just didn't love him romantically. I tried but it really wasnt there although i loved him very much as friend, still do. Its quite difficult to avoid resentment festering in that situation.

All the school mums have got to know each other fairly well during pre-school, in a quick chat and gossip sort of way - there's definitely scope there for friendships. In fact I have 7 or 8 numbers from other mums so that we could do stuff in the holidays. Have I called any of them?

I will be starting college next month too - so more scope for getting out and about and making pals.