Would you take your DC awayfrom their (fantastic) father for selfish reasons?

[FallingWithStyle]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago I moved with dc to a new home within the area.

Ex sees dc pretty much daily, does overnights whenever he can (because he wants to) even if he's been working all day he'll still pop in to have dinner with dc or just to say goodnight. He really is a fantastic father and we are very good friends.

I moved to this area to be with him at the start of our relationship ten years or so ago. I've never enjoyed being here, doesn't feel like home and all my family are in the town I left (couple of hours drive away). I would LOVE to go back there, it would be great for dc to be near cousins, anunts and uncles - we're a very close family.

When we split I chose to stay here to facilitate the relationship between ex and dc and decided to put more effort into making this my home, But it hasn't worked, my hearts not in it and I've not realy made any friends here, acquaintences but not friends. I just don't feel invested in being here, like I'm waiting for the time to pass.

Its a possibility that I may have to move house soon, and its suddenly dawned on me that I could just move back to my home town.
But ex would be heartbroken. I dread to think of the effect on dc (though I know that kids can be fairly pragmatic and adaptable and they would definitely feel the pluses of the move too).

I dont know, it just feels like a really, really unfair thing to do...

"you have made no effort to put down roots and make friends"

How did you get to that conclusion? Obviously not the fact that she has been trying to adapt to the place for so many years?

I came to that conclusion because thats what the op wrote. Read the thread.
I also think its irrelevant to quote an example of a crap parent prioritising salsa over seeing a child. The op says her ex is a wonderful dad. He doesn't set up arrangements and let his son down

Regarding the assumption that its always the woman who sacrifices things and follows the man around for the sake of his career: these things are rarely black and White. A lot of women like to have a bit of a moan about having to take a bAck seat, but if their husband offered to stay home and let the wife become the sole provider, the woman would run a mile!! There is no reason to think the op was dragged kicking and screaming to live with her husband. He has clearly been a good provider, he's even paying off their debts single handed which implies the op isn't working. I think its very dishonest of women to play the martyr card and feel they've sacrificed everything for husband and children when in reality they would never have wanted a role reversal.

Well, my ex was a wonderful dad just right over the split, so the point of mentioning this was that wonderful dad may not stay like that forever.

BTW, I'm not one of those persons that you talk about violet :) I would have taken the opportunity like a shot if I had been allowed to do it. But in the words of my ex: "you earn less, it is your job that gives way to mine".

Well, I think the basis of equality is that no partner 'allows' the other to work or not work. If you see yourself as equal then you make these decisions in disussion but as equal adults. In the case of the op, there is nothing to suggest her ex has behaved poorly at all, and I think it's very wrong to judge people on the basis that at some unspecified point in the future they might do so!

Tortoiseshell, of course I'm a parent, that's why I've been here for 6.5 years. And FWIW I'm the daughter of divorced parents so I've seen this from a child's point of view.

There is nothing remarkable or unusual in families moving, many of them do it several times over. And when the parents have split, there is nothing unusual or remarkable in one or both of them moving. It'd be nice if couples who had children together could say together in happy relationships for the rest of their lives, but the real world isn't quite like that.

FWS - I think you have to really genuinely try to put down some roots and make yourself a home there. You've admitted that you never tried, even during your marriage, so I actually think you owe it to your DS to give it a go - say for a year, and then review.

If you move then your DS will see a lot less of his Dad, and no amount of uncles, aunties and whoever else will make up for that.

I can see why you are torn, I really can, but I'm not sure that your happiness holds equal weight with your son's here.

FWS, I think you have responded graciously to the sometimes quite heated advice. Perhaps you could spend more time in your home town, even if it is difficult to leave, I think having an extended family is amazingly important too and you are lucky if you have one so perhaps whatever happens, that could be a good move.

"The Dad can move and live in her home town if he wants the same contact.

The relationship is not the same, they are not together anymore however much they try to keep it as close.

Move now, before DC starts school."

What a horrible, horrible, horrible attitude :(

I think I'll be staying put.
I'd love to move but I also love that ds and his dad have such a close relationship. It was knowing we could make it work this way that made it more bearable to leave the relationship despite feeling very very guilty.
I really do appreciate everyones comments, on both sides of the coin.
It's been good to have the it pointed out that I really can try to make this feel like home, that it is within my power. I knew that but have been sticking my head in the sand and to hear it from others its sort of made me feel like, yeah - of course I can do it!
It's also been comforting to know that others have understood where I'm coming from in wanting to move back. Because it may still come to that, but not for the foreseeable future.
I dont think if I did go back it would be a Bad thing as such, just as I wont think it a Bad thing for ex to take up the offer of a job that takes him out of the country for much of the time. Its just life. Not sure how that fits in with a lot of the "don't move" arguments though...

I'm glad you're feeling more positive about things. I really do believe that to a large extent it's within our power to make somewhere feel homely and pleasant to be. I bet there are loads of people out there who are potential friends - you just haven't met them yet! Also, once you're working or at college, that's a natural route into friendships.

It sounds as though you and your ex have worked things brilliantly so far and it would be a shame to upset that situation.

FallingWithStyle - I have just read through this thread with great interest.

My circumstances are different in that I am still married but living abroad in a country that, to my shame, I have come to despise. I am desperatey isolated and lonely but like you I suppose I haven´t made enough effort to integrate and make friends as I just don´t want to be here and in my head I am going back "home" to my family and wonderful friends that I miss so much it has become a physical pain.

Your line: "We dont go as often as we should really. I tend to avoid it as I get upset about coming home again" This struck such a chord with me as this is what I have been doing lately, DH thinks this is just plain weird

I have been thinking for a long time that the only solution to this mess is for me to go back to England with my 2 DS and for my DH to communte at the weekends. However in reality I feel this would be the ultimate selfish act and deep down I doubt I could ever go through with it...this thread has really helped me gain some perspective so thank you for starting it

I really hope you come to a decision and that whatever it is its the right one for you and your son

Oh bebespain, that's so sad - I'm very sorry for you. Whatever problems I ahve geographically are nothing compared to being stuck in another country.
Fingers crossed something will change in your circumstances to allow you a better balance. All the best.

Thanks FWS

FWS - for what its worth I would say the same to your ex-h about working abroad. Anything else would be double standards!!
But I have the impression its a vague idea for the future rather than a concrete plan so I would hope he'll put it on hold while his son still needs him.

Cheers ntl, but no, not a vague idea - something he has been actively working towards for a few years.
Had the opportunity arisen by now he'd have jumped at it.

Well if you are sure he would (and is working towards) moving abroad at any time, I think this changes things. I would get him to agree to stay until DC is older or I'd move nearer family.

yes... that's what I find interesting about this thread... in a nutshell:

• Mother needs to stay put for the sake of the father.
• Father can swan away of contact at leisure.

I guess if she were the one who had found a fantastic job abroad, she would still be told that moving away with her child is a selfish act in her own benefit. But if it is the father who ends contact but moving away then... that's life.

Hardly egalitarian, who cares about the mother needs? Because whatever way you put it, it is the resident parent the one who needs more support to raise that child.

FWS, I think it's great that your are trying to set roots where you are, and I am convinced that college will provide you with plenty of opportunities to settle down in the area: new friends, new job possibly. But, if a year has elapsed after you finished college, and you still feel you will be better off somewhere else, then... well, I suppose it is your turn. By then, the contact patterns will be more defined too, and you would have a clearer idea of how necessary that move really is.