Would you take your DC awayfrom their (fantastic) father for selfish reasons?

[FallingWithStyle]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago I moved with dc to a new home within the area.

Ex sees dc pretty much daily, does overnights whenever he can (because he wants to) even if he's been working all day he'll still pop in to have dinner with dc or just to say goodnight. He really is a fantastic father and we are very good friends.

I moved to this area to be with him at the start of our relationship ten years or so ago. I've never enjoyed being here, doesn't feel like home and all my family are in the town I left (couple of hours drive away). I would LOVE to go back there, it would be great for dc to be near cousins, anunts and uncles - we're a very close family.

When we split I chose to stay here to facilitate the relationship between ex and dc and decided to put more effort into making this my home, But it hasn't worked, my hearts not in it and I've not realy made any friends here, acquaintences but not friends. I just don't feel invested in being here, like I'm waiting for the time to pass.

Its a possibility that I may have to move house soon, and its suddenly dawned on me that I could just move back to my home town.
But ex would be heartbroken. I dread to think of the effect on dc (though I know that kids can be fairly pragmatic and adaptable and they would definitely feel the pluses of the move too).

I dont know, it just feels like a really, really unfair thing to do...

I see what you mean nattiecake but I think that would be the worst of both worlds. You're right though - I certainly dont look into the long-term future and see me being here...

I've stayed living where I live (I moved here originally due to Ex's job) because I couldn't contemplate moving the older DCs away from their father after we split. Like yours, he's a great bloke and a good father - just not a good husband. 15 years later I'm remarried, have more DCs and am fully settled in the place - I couldn't contemplate moving because I feel settled and have roots here now. A couple of years is nothing - concentrate on making your own friends, your own community. The other thing I've gained is a great friend in my Ex.

I'm sorry, but I think you should stay put. The DCs will be up and out and grown up before you know it - the time will just go - but for now, it sounds like their relationship with their father is too good for you to risk affecting it.

I would move back home so your son starts school and makes friends there.

But make every effort for your son to see his dad.

Could you take your son to his dad's on weekends?

You should move back and both you and your son will be happy. Your son will still see and know his dad.

Any decision has to be purely geared towards the welfare and happiness of your children. It's part of the contract which you make with yourself when you decide to have a child.
Them first; you, him, (and everybody else) a very long way second.
Beware of any of the faux-concern which runs along the lines of "well, if I'm not happy, then they won't be happy either". This is seductive, selfish nonsense. The only reason they won't be happy is if you rub your own discontent in their faces, and any parent who plays that card shouldn't be a parent in the first place.
Children need two parents who are responsible and caring enough to put aside any mutual antipathy and work together(even if separated) in the best interests of the child.
I think an old saying says something about "roots and wings".
Stability is immensely important to a child, second only to love. But love is NOT an alternative for stability. They are both essential.

Well I would certainly never 'rub my own discontent' in my childs face, I value stability for him - thats why I'm here.

But I didn't realise having a child was akin to signing my own life away, I didin't stop deserving a happy life because I gave birth. I wanthim to have the best life I can give him but I also want happiness for myself.

I'd hate to think I was investing all this self-worth in him and trying to bring him up as a happy fulfilled person if it all meant nothing the sceond he became a father himself.

FWS, you haven't signed your life away but your little one is 4.5 and if it can be reasonably tolerated, deserves to have as much of both his parents in his life as he can. Equally you are not wrong to want happiness in your own life.

Things may be very different when ds has started school, I've found it quite a shocker and that's from the stance of a WOHM who only knew a couple of mums before school started. Where I live doesn't feel like home, even though it's the place I've lived longest overall in my life. But I feel I have some good buddies, not friends, at work and that make a big difference for me.

Things will change substantially also when you start college. And in the meantime, why not give one of those mums a call? And perhaps also agree with your ex that you will review in, say, 2 years. If that's a good point for him to go abroad, it's also a good point for you to think about returning to your home town. I think ultimately it can be a win-win but it's probably too close to ds starting school now to make it a reality at this stage without upsetting all manner of apple carts.

Yes, you have a right to happiness, but I don't think it's necessary for your total well being to be wrapped up with a particular location. Your ds is settled and happy. Your ex sounds wonderful. You mention that your ds is off your hands a lot already, with his dad, so why not make every effort to make friends where you are now AND get back to family and friends in your old town, using your free weekends and evenings when your ds is with his dad? It just seems strange that your entire happiness is wrapped up in having to move back

Arfarfa - FWS is talking about moving him closer to his maternal family, where he will recieve just as much love and stability, with the added benefit of having an extended family nearby. And possibly - shock, horror, a happier Mummy. Yes, when we make the desicion to have chilren, we do owe it to them to put their happiness before our own, but we don't owe it to them to forget our own happiness entirely. It's not as if the OP is planning on taking her dc to another country where he will never be able to see his Dad, or somewhere that could be bad for him! The child will have every chance of being happy, stable, and of having a wonderful relationship with his Father.

Its not my entire happiness - I'm happy in a bumbling along sort of way.

This place just means nothing to me. Its an ugly, grey, soulless commuter town where people leave first thing and come back at night to sleep. And there's no one here that means anything to me - except ex - and down there I have a big, busy, lovely family and I have friends and its a beautiful little place with atmosphere and a sense of community.

And I know some of those things I could make the effort to find here too but there's nothing in me that wants to! Its ridiculous but i resent the idea of settling here. It'll never mean anything to me.

Get on the phone, the other Mums have given you their numbers as they would like to meet you.

Do you know what, it sounds like you have given it a real go with and now without a partner.
MOVE you would both make it work, you both sound committed to making it work so I believe that it will work.
He could be offerred a job somewhere else
Either of you could meet someone else.

You need to be happy for your little boy, his father will be the same father, don't worry about it just put measures into place and move now so he can make friends at his new school.

Only read the OP. NO, I would not take them away because I think my childrens' need to be as close to their father as possible is paramount to just about anything else.

'And possibly - shock, horror, a happier Mummy.'

But not a happier father. And he counts. Just as much, more than that of extended family, IMO.

You need to make a very concerted effort to generate happiness from inside yourself rather than base it on a location. That's just a recipe for failure if you don't.

Happiness coming from within means you own it entirely, no one can take it from you, and it's so everywhere you go.

I wonder how different the responses would be if the OP were male.

Okay you are about to start a college course? So I would guess you wouldn't be moving for the next year, anyhow?

So yes discuss this with your ex. Especially if he is possibly going to relocate, go overseas sometime. But also do try and make friends. Try to see the positives of where you live, the thins you can do in a city and not in a small town. So do take your son to kids shows, art galleries, museums etc.

Do also take a good honest look at where you grew up. Is it still like you remember from when you grew up? Read the local newspaper, is this somewhere you'd want your DC? Are there as many kids playing out, people popping in? Or do more people work, and are they busier?

Can you work there? Can you work in the city?

Do be honest with yourself, and not go on rose tinted memories.

Good luck with the decision.

I think you both sound like you would make it work no matter where you live.

What happens when he suddenly goes off travelling with work and you're left there with absolutely nobody?

I really think that you sound like you would be so much happier living in a place where you want to live. Surrounded by friends and family. It can get very lonely being a single parent, and your current set up with your ex surely can't carry on forever anyway, despite his work committments, things will inevitably change when one of you gets a new partner anyway.

You can make it work no matter where you live. You can meet half way, ds can go and stay with him, he can come and stay near you. Life's too short to stay if you're unhappy, I'm sure you can make it work.

And it means you both get to start making your own seperate lives that suit your individual needs now that you are no longer a couple.
I think your son will be just as happy with different arrangements, as long as he has two loving parents in his life.

Good luck

mummytime, I think you're right - for me - and I certainly wouldn't draw any comparions to the OP's situation. I actually would like to move back to the city where my parents and brother live, but there is no work, so here we are, 70 miles away.

But. One of the compelling factors for me in moving here was the fact that two out of three of the girls I lived with at uni were here, plus various other friends and acquaintances, plus my best friend was c. 40 miles way.

MASSIVE disappointment. I see virtually none of these people now, certainly not any of my uni friends. I know it would be different if it was my family but even so.

OP your situation is probably nothing like mine, so please ignore any comment that isn't relevant to you - but to some extent I truly wish I had not moved here. Here we are, however, ds goes into Year 1 in a few weeks and has his little circle of friends. In total we would be no better off elsewhere at this point. But things change.

No no no no no no no!!!!!! It would be very very selfish and not good for your children.

My husband lives somewhere he doesn't like because he wants to be with me and our family. It's often very hard to get somewhere everyone agrees on, even if you are still together.

I don't get the impression that your ex wants to move for his work, he sounds like he would do anything to get you to stay, and he comes evenings and for dinners and generally is a day to day involved dad. To take his child two hours away and make him a weekend only (perhaps only two days a fortnight) will be very upsetting for him and your son. As much as if your son stayed in his current town and school and was looked after day to day by his dad, and you just saw him once every two weekends. If that doesn't appeal to you, why should it appeal to him? For now, I think what you've achieved is amazing in terms of friendliness and stability and it would be a shame to jeopardise it.

However, as others have pointed out, nothing stays the same. You could spend more of your free time in your home town, or take your son there on your weekends. It's easy to romanticise what it would be like (the 'atmosphere' for example, may be different as an older single mum than when you were younger). Your busy family and friends won't necessarily prioritize you, just as your best friends didn't. And, if it does live up to expectations, you could move there in a few years time.

No, I don't think I could. It would make my child unhappy, which would then make me unhappy anyway. I wouldn't want to be in a position where my child could ever blame me for spoiling their relationship with their father either.

No. For all of the reasons already stated. I live three hours away from all of my family, and DH lives in another country to his. I understand how hard it is, really I do, but the biggest gift you can give to your child is two fully involved parents. There are plenty of people out there who would love for their child's father/mother to be involved. You are doing a great thing allowing your child to have that.

If you're not happy living where you are because it's a "soulless commuter town" is it possible for you to move to a little village nearby? That might give you a sense of community and increased quality of life while still permitting your ds to see lots of his father.

I think your ds would be utterly devastated, as would your ex-h. Turn it around and see how acceptable it feels to you. Every other weekend contact vs every day? Incomparable.
At the risk of being jumped on, I think it is particularly important that your ds as a boy has a fully involved father. move away now and that relationship will be weakened probably forever.

I think some excellent points have been made on this thread, I'm sure plenty food for thought.

If you want another opinion, I wouldn't. What you have with your ex is precious, and what your DS has with him is even more so. You've split up but managed to preserve a real sense of security and consistency for him ... don't throw it away.

Have you talked to your family about this? If they understood your feelings would they travel to spend time with you more? I also think, given your ex takes a lot of the strain of childcare at weekends etc, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness - moving somewhere else won't automatically mean it falls into your lap, you will still have to make an effort.

Why not stay for a couple of years and then reassess the situation. Meanwhile keep the lines of communication as open as you can with your ex - possibly by telling him that if you move it won't be for some time, and thereby allowing him the opportunity to plan round this in career terms.