Would you take your DC awayfrom their (fantastic) father for selfish reasons?

[FallingWithStyle]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago I moved with dc to a new home within the area.

Ex sees dc pretty much daily, does overnights whenever he can (because he wants to) even if he's been working all day he'll still pop in to have dinner with dc or just to say goodnight. He really is a fantastic father and we are very good friends.

I moved to this area to be with him at the start of our relationship ten years or so ago. I've never enjoyed being here, doesn't feel like home and all my family are in the town I left (couple of hours drive away). I would LOVE to go back there, it would be great for dc to be near cousins, anunts and uncles - we're a very close family.

When we split I chose to stay here to facilitate the relationship between ex and dc and decided to put more effort into making this my home, But it hasn't worked, my hearts not in it and I've not realy made any friends here, acquaintences but not friends. I just don't feel invested in being here, like I'm waiting for the time to pass.

Its a possibility that I may have to move house soon, and its suddenly dawned on me that I could just move back to my home town.
But ex would be heartbroken. I dread to think of the effect on dc (though I know that kids can be fairly pragmatic and adaptable and they would definitely feel the pluses of the move too).

I dont know, it just feels like a really, really unfair thing to do...

Are you working at the moment? I think that if you arent but try and get a job when your son starts school you might feel more settled and make more friends?

My friend is going through exactly the same thing at the moment but her dd's are 9 and 10. They see their dad and grandparents twice a week and go on several holidays but she has a yearning to go "home". I think its alot to do with loneliness because her ex has remarried.

Its a difficult one. Maybe it is best to do it sooner rather than later...

onedeadbadger - would you be happy seeing your children every fortnight? Do you think that provides the same kind of relationship as one with daily contact?
This is not about making it 'easy' for her ex (who it appears did not want the split). It is about allowing a little boy to see his father every day and have the kind of close relationship he would have if his parents were still living together.

I would stay put, and try to put down roots and make friends.

You say that you cannot see yourself staying, and it's a soulless commuter town, but I wonder if that's become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy - there's no point making friends/getting involved in things if you're not staying, BUT you don't want to stay because you have no attachments there.

I think your DS benefits greatly from having such involvement with your ex, especially the little things like popping in to say goodnight.

Have you considered that you might move back 'home' and realise that actually, ten years on, it's not quite what you remembered and it's not as great as you thought it would be?

'The relationship is not the same, they are not together anymore however much they try to keep it as close.'

It's not about them and their relationship. It's about a little boy and his parent, who happens to be the male half, the father.

If my mother had taken me away from my father like this, for the sake of her putting her happiness before mine, I probably wouldn't have a relationship with her as an adult, tbh.

'Dad popping to say good night, lovely, but will that last? If OP gets a new man? or the Dad gets a new wife? Would be very civil if it did but real life is not that cosy.'

What if one of them drops dead? Gets hit by a bus?

Point is that now there is daily contact, a true rarity.

Why on Earth should that even change if she gets a 'new man'? FGS, if I got a 'new man' and he weren't willing to deal with the contact my kids had with their dad, he'd be out the door so fast there'd be the smell of burning rubber. Stuff him! My kids comes first.

Moving near family and hometown is selfish when it means taking a child away from the close relationship he has with his father.

I can't believe so many people put themselves before their own children.

Yes, they have split up, onedead. In real life. And now, in real life, teh kid has a close relationship with his father. Now.

Just because you split up doesn't mean that parent suddenly becomes in any way secondary.

the point is, right now, there is no 'if'.

hear hear expat. And you didn't answer my question onedeadbadger - how would you feel if your partner took your children somewhere you could only see them once a fortnight?
Personally, I'd be devastated. And ditto dh. and that's before we start on the children.
Can't believe people are so cavalier about parental relationships tbh...

I've known several divorced couples whose children had relationships like this with their non-resident parent. All the couples were re-married or re-partnered with someone else and the contact, well, stayed exactly the same.

Because if that new person had thrown up objections to it, he/she would have been out the door pretty damn quick.

I think the op has made some decisions she regrets about her life. However the fact is she DOES have a child with this man, and that fact isn't going to go away. Moving and disrupting the child's relationship with his father would be a further bad decision and isn't going to guarantee her happiness tbh.

'so the mother must suspend all feelings for now'

No, the mother, who is a mature person like the OP, compromises some of her feelings for the sake of the child at present.

FWIW, children change schools all the time in life with no big detriment. If the situation changes, it's entirely possible to change schools.

The father has as many rights as the mother. And most importantly, the boy has as much right to keep the same relationship with his dad that he currently enjoys. If this were the other way round and the dad was considering messing up the day to day relationship with the mother there would be uproar. Typical sexism.

Exactly, violethill!

What happens with the law if the ex P doesnt agree to it? Im just wondering, are mums allowed to take their children anywhere?

In this country, kittya, yes, it seems a) there's no such thing as true joint custody, legally b) the resident parent can literally do what he/she wants c) the non-resident parent can very easily get away with not paying for the support of their child and abandon that child to the mercy and support of the state.

True , he could. But this is the Childs home town, he is happy, so why should the father move?

People cant just move jobs. Its very unfair if the father is committed to his children. In my friends case, the dad has a fantastic job yet he takes care of the children while she goes to work or, his family do. She wants to move to her home town where there is little employment but, Im expecting her ex p will be paying her rent and maintenence yet hardly seeing their kids. It sounds selfish to me.