Would you take your DC awayfrom their (fantastic) father for selfish reasons?

[FallingWithStyle]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago I moved with dc to a new home within the area.

Ex sees dc pretty much daily, does overnights whenever he can (because he wants to) even if he's been working all day he'll still pop in to have dinner with dc or just to say goodnight. He really is a fantastic father and we are very good friends.

I moved to this area to be with him at the start of our relationship ten years or so ago. I've never enjoyed being here, doesn't feel like home and all my family are in the town I left (couple of hours drive away). I would LOVE to go back there, it would be great for dc to be near cousins, anunts and uncles - we're a very close family.

When we split I chose to stay here to facilitate the relationship between ex and dc and decided to put more effort into making this my home, But it hasn't worked, my hearts not in it and I've not realy made any friends here, acquaintences but not friends. I just don't feel invested in being here, like I'm waiting for the time to pass.

Its a possibility that I may have to move house soon, and its suddenly dawned on me that I could just move back to my home town.
But ex would be heartbroken. I dread to think of the effect on dc (though I know that kids can be fairly pragmatic and adaptable and they would definitely feel the pluses of the move too).

I dont know, it just feels like a really, really unfair thing to do...

The child's happiness is even more important, because he/she is not an adult who is in control of his/her circumstances.

Is a father who actually bothers to make an effort after a relationship ends really SO vanishingly rare that he has to be worshipped like God Almighty?

Don't see what's wrong with onedead's idea. Why can't the OP move to be nearer her family and the father move somewhere in between work and the child's new home, so he can still see plenty of his child but also get to work?

'Is a father who actually bothers to make an effort after a relationship ends really SO vanishingly rare that he has to be worshipped like God Almighty?'

C'mon, edam, how long have you been here? You know just from here how many parents just fuck off when hte relationship is over.

And even if he moved somewhere in between, the popping in daily would have to stop.

His gender has nothing to do with it, tbh.

God there's a lot to take in. I wanted opinions and I've got them.

I think its worth pointing out that we are in this position because I was the one who compromised all the way along.

So now if I want to remove myself from this situation, I'm the one causing the disruption. I'm the bad guy.

I've clearly shot myself in the foot somewhere along the line...

And yes, he could move also and change jobs. It would be huge deal for him though and I wouldn't ask it of him.
Being here and not there is a huge deal for me.

I think you should stay where you are. Having regular contact with a parent is a really, really big deal for a child. Aunties and cousins are NOT the same or as important as a father/mother. It sounds like you haven't put much effort into finding the positives in where you live now. If you were desperately depressed and needed to be with family to help you with the day to day stuff than that would be a different situation. But it just sounds like you want to move 'home' because you already know people there.

I would not move my child away from a great father, no way. No way.

I don't know if this has been mentioned as I have only read half of the thread. My question is... is such level of contact sustainable over the years?

My ex and I split in very amicable terms, and he had plenty of contact with DS at the time, but new partners get into the equation and everything changes, after reducing contact gradually over the last year, he has now notified me he doesn't want to have contact anymore. :(

On the other hand... my boyfriend. He got divorced two years ago and apart of the usual overnight contact, he often goes to his ex's house for impromptu visits to his child, to put him to bed or have lunch, tea, dinner or whatever with him. But now his ex is living with someone else, and I don't think that the new couple are extremely pleased to see him around with the same regularity.

I didn't want to move when I should as I thought that it was important for DS and ex to have as much contact as they possibly could. Now I can move as ex doesn't want to see DS anymore but now is too late, once in school I feel as if I would be uprooting him into the unknown. However, having no family around, sometimes I feel that the only way I can survive as a single parent who has her child 100% of the time is to get a very reliable network of support, and with that I miss my family miserably and feel the urge need to be near where they are.

But you can equally well imagine a future conversation where the son expresses disgust that his mother took him away from his dad. So that line of argument is fairly fruitless. I think the op needs to accept that this is home for her ds, with both parents on hand and being involved in his day to day upbringing.

Of course the other question is, would the op be willing to hand over main residency to the Childs dad, who sounds like he'd love to take it on, so that she can move away and be the parent who has to make do with weekend visits?

Wow - breathtaking hypocrisy at its MN finest, ODB. In fact, what a totally abusive cock this Dad is - he's deliberately been a good father just so she'd feel bad about taking his child hundreds of miles away!

fallingwithstyle (I love your name) - I am in a very similar situation. Moved out of London where I'd lived all my life to be with ExH, had two DCs and are now divorced. Like your ex, mine is a fab dad but was a crap husband. They adore him, and we get on pretty well now.

I'm stuck living here, although I'd love to move back to London where my friends and family are. Have just resigned myself to it, for now. ExH is down the road, is available for all school plays, sports days, parents' evenings etc and it just makes a huge difference to the DCs and their relationship with him. I am also the child of divorced parents, and hardly ever saw my dad after he left - the one thing I feel I've done right in this marriage that went wrong was finding a bloody good dad for my kids, one who will stick around and really love them. I couldn't take them away from that, I would never forgive myself.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. I really sympathise with your situation but my view is I really have to lie in this bed that I've made. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, you could look at moving somewhere that is still pretty close by but might feel a bit different for you? I am moving into the nearest town from the village we're currently in - still only five minutes away, but I won't feel so isolated. Are there any small changes like that you could make?

I agree with those who say that the child's relationship with his father is precious and the op should try and put more roots down where she is. It's a city from the sound of it so should be plenty to do. I've moved around alot and think people whose idea of happiness is bound up with a particular place are more likely to be unhappy than those who make the most of where they are.
I'd see how things go at college and the new school, both of which should provide loads of options for meeting people.

If this post was from a father minimising the mother's relationship there would be uproar.

This thread and responses minimises Dad's roles as if they can just be discarded?

He is working and paying off joint debts single handed and other posters minimise his job and he 'can just move'

I work and cannot 'just move'

Children need Dads

I won't move because my kids have a Dad (a crap one) close by and even though he's crap he is their Dad and that is important to them

Since when was acknowledging that a child has a right to not be taken away from a father a 'gender equality mission'?

I would feel the same either way round - if the child's residence was with the father and he wanted to move several hours away from the loving mother who visits regularly.

At the end of the day, the OP and her ex entered into a relationship and had a child. She then split up because she decided she didn't feel romantically attracted to the guy. The guy has continued to be a loving attentive father who wants to see his child daily. What right does the mother have to deprive him of that just for her own selfish reasons? The child is clearly happy and settled - this is all about her.

I still think there is something lacking if over ten years, a grown woman is so reliant on being in one particular location for her happiness. It should be perfectly possible to make friendships and acquire hobbies and interests away from extended family. Also, as the father clearly does a lot of the caring, why doesn't the OP use her childfree weekends to go back and stay with the aunts and uncles and revisit her home town? It's not like she's having to cut off all links. There's a good halfway house here. Go back and visit, just don't drag the child away from his father.

Excellent post from Victorias.

Children almost always love both parents unconditionally, except in really rare circumstances. Even where one parent is not brilliant, the children will want to spend time with them and enjoy the relationship. In the OPs case, the dad sounds wonderful anyway.

I agree entirely with violet and Victoria. This isn't just about the feelings of the mother vs the feelings of the child, but also the feelings of the father. All this "happy mother means happy child" crap - well, what price an incredibly unhappy and bitter father? Does that not affect a child now?

As it stands, if the OP stays where she is, there's one unhappy person in the equation. If she moves, there's two, one of whom is her son. Given that the father in this case isn't abusive, neglectful or otherwise undesirable, this seems like a no contest to me.

Falling's not talking about going to the ends of the earth, but two hours away. If her ex is such a great Dad, he'd be prepared to move slightly further away from work. If she's two hours away, he can move to be one hour away from his work. Loads of people commute more than that.

Result: happier mother, happy child with extended family around him AND Dad, father slightly inconvenienced but still having lots of contact with his son. Seems the best compromise to me.

i moved300 miles away from my town and i had dh and three kids and a full time job - and i felt incredibly lonely and isolated.

so i know how you feel.

i think you should give college a go and get involved in school life ( pta)

see how that goes for a year.

if after a year- then you have to have discussions with your dh - tell him you are moving in 6 months time as you are incredibly unhappy still, tell him that you would love for him to be around as much as he is now and that if he wants to move to your home town with you, you would be v. pleased. if not alternative arrangements will have to be made.

you are not a sacrificial lamb on the altar of your children.

give it a reasonable go,

give your ex a resonable time to move with you

then you have been reasonable.

thats all you can ask

edam is right of course. he could commute further

Moving an hour away is not a 'slight inconvenience' - it's expensive, time consuming, and may not fit in well with his job at all. It is also far more difficult to pop in for tea (as the dad does on a daily basis right now) if you live an hour away.
I doubt he's be able to afford the travel costs to commute an hour each way to work, and then an hour each way to visit his child for tea and bedtime.
Four hours travelling a day - a 'good compromise'? - I don't think so

Also with Violet, Tortoise and victoria and if ''If her ex is such a great Dad, he'd be prepared to move slightly further away from work. '' judges Ex on his parenting then surely taking DS away from his Dad and where he has put down roots and made friends also judges her on whether or not she is a great Mum ?