Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

PP you say rape is about power and control? The OPs DH's behavior is ALL about having power and control over her body. He is using emotional blackmail to get her to have sex with him when she would rather not. I'd say that was fairly clear cut.

NJ, I hope that you can sort this out with your DH, he may actually believe this clap trap he is giving you about semen build up etc, or he may deliberately be manipulating you. I hope for your sake its the former, but either way you need to set him straight, for your own sake, otherwise I fear it would be thin end of the wedge.

I'm sorry, does having gone to university make me some sort of princess that's out of touch with the real world? I'm not basing what I'm saying on things I've just read in books. It's just common sense and what's obvious, not some daft theory I've got from all my suspicious book-learnin'.

Now, can you stop being silly? Because the rest of us are posting here because we're genuinely concerned about the OP. This isn't about your ego or ignorant opinions about what constitutes rape.

NJ this thread is dissolving into a discussion of semantics. The important thing is this: do not let this happen to you again. Make it very clear to your husband that he can sulk like a toddler if he likes, but you are not a sex toy and he can bog off if you are not in the mood.

"Purplepeony, am I 5 and you're my mum? If not, shut the fuck up."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

But seriously purplepeony, would you be OK with a man treating your daughter like that? Making up a load of spurious shit about semen build up, and then sulking and making life miserable if she won't shag them? What is and is not legally defined as rape is irrelevant here. His behaviour has no place in a healthy marriage.

Oh my god, rednoseday I am really upset by this

'I don't think it's rape because he hasn't been threatening towards her (physically or verbally), he isn't having sex with her when she isn't conscious enough to protest.'

I was sexually abused as a child and date raped at 18 and according to your definition above THIS WAS MY FAULT.

And purple peony also. I am not reading anymore of this thread.

OP I really hope you are okay.

NJ - I am just so incredibly sad for you and hope that you're ok. You do not deserve to be treated like this - no-one does.

Some brilliant posts from SGB, AF and Scorpette amongst others.

I so know where I'd turn for support in a similar situation - you ladies are fab you know.

And purple peony also. I am not reading anymore of this thread.

OP I really hope you are okay.

Yes, if DH was really up for it one night and me less so, then I might have sex with him for him and in the hope that I would get into it. But I would never tell him that was what I was doing, because if he thought I was anything other than fully into it he would probably lose his stiffy. The idea of having sex with a woman who doesn't really want to would be upsetting to him

needafootmassage, kudos to you for coming back and realising your mistake

not everybody has the emotional intelligence to do that

ginhag...I hope you are ok. Come over to the feminist issues topic...you will find some posters there who actually empathise with you

I feel quite, quite bad that this thread has descended into the inevitable slanging match between apologists for marital abuse and those who have zero tolerance for it

NJ....you must feel like you have been hit by a train. I hope you are alright this evening, and that this thread has opened your eyes in some small way to understanding that you do not have to tolerate this treatment of you

Ginhag :( Hope you're ok. There really are one or two idiots on here. :)

ginhag...I would link for you, but I dare not

I would hate to intentionally unleash some of these shameful attitudes over there.....

ginhag - there is another thread concerning rape at the moment over in feminism, come over if you want to talk

Dh came home from work and told me that he is so glad about last night. For a second I didn't know what he was talking about and I said 'what about last night?' and he said 'us bonking'. He said that he had a much better day today, because the pressure was released. I did not have the strength to launch into a conversation with him about how I feel about it - also, I was busy cooking and the children were around. But I will speak to him about it, when I have all my ducks in a row, because I do not want this to continue.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned before, but as you will all know, the law in respect of rape expanded in 1991 to include marital rape (and God forgive them for letting them get to it so late: but that's another story).

The law regarding rape has the following provision concerning consent:

The test of reasonable belief in consent

That is to say, if a case comes to court, the defendant must prove that he had reasonable belief that the woman was consenting. It is for him to prove that he honestly believed she wanted sex: it is not for her to prove that she didn't.

If a wife says, "I do not want sex," her partner cannot claim that she was actively consenting - even if by social conditioning, or because of her concept of marriage, or because of an overbearing or controlling partner, she follows it up: "I do not want sex- but you can do it anyway."

Of course all of this is tricky because these cases are not going to be prosecuted by the CPS for obvious reasons - but to those of you who think that you have to be pinned to a mattress by a hulking stranger with a knife at your throat for it to constitute rape (and forgive my artistic license to prove a point) - the law, at least in principle if (sadly) not in practice, disagrees.

Gin, thank you for being courageous and honest, as always. I hope you're OK

PurplePeony, I hope to Christ you don't have daughters.

Gin it was NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't waste a second of your life worrying about stuff like that just because some people are too blinkered (or too sheltered, lucky them) to grasp the complexities and nuances of what constitutes sex crime.

HB, thank you so much for that post

NJ...I wish you all the best x

Please do speak to him about it properly. Why do you think he said that? And in front of the kids? Please don't let him think it is OK. :(

Listen, most people, male or female, will at once time or another, not been particularly in the mood for sex but had it because their partner is horny and it makes them happy to make their partner happy (and no doubt ended up v glad they went along for the ride too). This isn't what we're talking about - in those instances it wasn't because we daren't so no because our OHs would blank us and make our lives a misery and certainly not with OHs that would insist they had to have intercourse with us just a week after major emergency surgery! There are levels to everything and what this guy is telling his wife and what he's insisting on falls outside the realms of normal and acceptable. No-one's saying he's Fred West, but I find it hard to believe that people can't see that the OP is getting a raw (probably literally) deal.

NJ, I think you're being v brave in tackling him. I hope that this thread has helped you, despite the squabbling for (and I apologise for my part in that). If you feel up to it, it'd be good to have an update from you, either here or in a new thread, about what happens when you broach the topic with him. Be strong!

PS Thanks quaere and traceybath :)

scorpette...you have been wonderful on this thread

loopyloops, he didn't say it in front of the children. They were running around, in and out of the kitchen and did not hear that part of what he had said.

AF, thank you.