Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

Oh, OK. I still think it's odd that he brought it up. He's clearly not ashamed of himself, and wants to clear the path for it to happen again, if "needs" be.
Promise us you won't accept this?

I'll talk to him loopy.

Good, and good luck. For what it's worth, you sound like a really strong, kind and loyal person. Just make sure you watch out for yourself. Your needs and feelings are just as important as his.

NJ, Loopy has summed it up perfectly. If we've seemed v harsh it's only because your story has touched and worried us all. We'll be thinking about you.

PS Aw shucks, AF. I usually lurk, so ta. :)

Thanks Scorpette, and your posts have been absolutely excellent.

I'm also really sorry, NJ, if we have come across as harsh in this matter, but I hope it has helped you to realise that you don't have to accept a situation that you aren't happy with.

Let us know how you get on.

scorp, quit lurkin', get postin'

Sorry NJ to hijack, but while we're at the love-in, AnyFucker, I think your posts all over MN are brilliant.
Sarcastic when called for, sympathetic when needed, practical when it is useful, bitchy when the post is a joke, intelligent always. Good work.

< slips loopy that tenner >

however, you forgot gorgeous

Nina - I am sure that you will work something out for you and your family. I am sure that you have enough good taste to not have married someone who is some of the horrible labels that people have applied here. At least not always those things, all of the time! Also people can change when aspects of their behaviour are pointed out to them.

Equally, I am sure that your children will want to think of their father as a decent person at heart, as I am sure he is, or at least can be, given the right incentive.

Unfortunately, we are all victims of circumstances, whatever they are. I really believe that, if you get into talking honestly about how you feel, you will be amazed what you can achieve. It is worth it even if it is just for the sake of your children having a father that they respect.

Despite what people have written here, I do think it is important to try to discuss things with your partner and also maintain a reasonable relationship so that your children can have a relationship with their father. That doesn't imply any obligation on your part with regards to sex/staying married etc - but I think both parents have an obligation with regard to the feeling of their children whatever their own personal backgrounds.

rednosedays - yeah, because no one ever marries an abusive man.....OH WAIT

You are so aggressive it is quite upsetting. If you make a decision to have children, then you are responsible for their upbringing. In general, slagging off the other parent, even if a lot of it is justified, will be detrimental to the welfare of the children. Sorry but some of you guys are so immature it is just incredible. Pathetic to be honest.

Bugger off then, Rednosedays. Wanting to be treated correctly, and recognising when one is not, is hardly "immature".

I am all outta words < bemused >

I don't recall anyone saying that she should tell the children her husband emotionally blackmails her into sex...

I think the majority of respondees in this thread felt that same smack of hollow sadness when you described the scene and told him to go ahead. You yourself didn't realise how sad it was until after the event when you cried.

We all know rape has nothing to do with sex it is the power to demean someone and abuse. As to whether it can be defined legally as rape I don't know. What I do know is when I read of someone being raped (woman/man or child) I feel overwhelming sadness and a hint of what I can imagine is the terrible emptiness that they must be feeling. I had the same feeling when I read NJ's post.

I wish you well and I am concerned that your husband's reaction has been to try to "normalise" this and say how good he feels.

I think you may now need to look at everything with fresh eyes.

Am surprised that rednosedays could refer to anyone else's behaviour as 'upsetting' after the post I quoted.

Thanks for the kind words AF,HB and everyone.

NJ have no desire to hijack your thread and sincerely hope you are/will be okay x

The aggressive tone of some of the respondees leaves a lot to be desired - also the rather transparent "straw man" arguements being thrown up to suit people's own agendas.

I stand by my last few postings - adults who have sex and produce children have a joint responsibility to bring up those children in a way that is not harmful to the emotional and physical wellbeing of the children.

Slagging off another parent is a form of emotional abuse for a child. Even if a parent has behaved very badly, it is still important for the children's emotional welfare for them to feel that both children care about them.

Sorry, but if you get into a relationship and produce children, then you have a responsibility towards those children. It is irrelevant what your own status is in terms of your partner - you might be married/divorced/cohabiting or any other variation. But you have a responsibility towards those little people who you chose to bring into the world.

Sorry both PARENTS care about them.

That's fine, continue to ignore the post I am actually referring to.

I am going to bed now, there are elements of this debate that have been incredibly upsetting. Again, wishing you well NJ.

red...do you seriously advocate a woman should put up with any level of abuse for the sake of the children ?

and you have no opinion on what sort of lessons that might teach them, about how to conduct their own relationships in the future?

girls growing up to think it is normal that mummy cries on the bathroom floor (she will hear it)

boys growing up to think daddies get to be bad and then all is back to breezy normality the next day ? (they will see it)

I feel I have a responsibilty towards my children, that is for sure

and that is to demonstrate to them that women's status in this world is equal to men...and thy don't exist as some sort of domestic appliance who must shut up and put up no matter what the provocation

I was still in hospital 6 days after my sections, NO WAY could I have even contemplated sex within a week.

Demanding sex after childbirth is one (very terrible) thing, but after major abdominal surgery is another entirely!

This man has no consideration towards you whatsoever!

Hang on rednosedays, since when has the OP or anyone else mentioned discussing these issues with the OP's children? At no stage has the OP said anything about slagging off her OH to their children or letting them think that anything is wrong. You talk about people throwing up 'straw men' to suit their own agenda but this is exactly what YOU are doing! The only person talking about the children being told bad things about their father is you; I would suggest, in a totally respectful manner, that maybe you have issues in that area, because you are shoehorning this thing about the kids into a discussion as though they are being talked about, when they're not.

What you seem to be suggesting is that once children enter a relationship, it is the responsibility of each parent to just tolerate any kind of shit the other might pull on them.

If indeed the OP's OH is being abusive, controlling, sexual abusive, etc., then it is HE who will have ruined the family through his own selfish, damaged needs, not the OP for deciding to ask for the basic human rights over her own body and sexual activity that she should have automatically.

AF, I think I luvs ya (so what am I so afraid of?)!

PS RE: 'Good taste' - is the fact I wouldn't be seen dead in crocs the reason why I have such a fab DP?