Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

In the week after you had your children? An a c-section is still major surgery. I had a serious illness last year and between hospital, recovering from surgery and steroids- which killed any urges i might have had- I would say we went two months with no sex. My DH didnt explode! Please look after yourself, I think the fact that you posted this suggests that you knew something was off.

This is bullying, controlling and abusive behaviour by the man, I hope OP can now realise this and go about making a change of some kind

wow,,what a man,,don't know what to say..

had a baby via c section,didn't have any sex til a couple of weeks ago,DD is 4mnths,,husband never talked about ME servicing him,,all i got were wonderful massages,,your man is something,,

'No-one in their right mind walks out on a marriage when there are four children without at least trying to work out why things aren't working.'

Sorry (hopefully off tangent) but at what point do you walk out? Hassling and bullying a partner for sex and sulking about it when you don't get your own way,needing to 'shed your load' or happy to use a partner's body for your own needs and not even be concerned that it made them cry. Alarm bells surely?

coercing a person into sex = rape.

OP has stated that she agrees to sex out of fear of the consequences if she does not. That is coercion. Consent out of fear of the consequences of non-consent is not true consent, not when it comes to sexual activity.

OP, I'm sorry, but lots of peoples' boundaries over what constitutes coercion in sex are very out of whack and that needs to be pointed out.

Rednosedays I wholeheartedly disagree with you. The OP started this thread thinking there wasn't really much wrong with her husband's behaviour. It has been pointed out that there is a lot wrong with it. Calling abuse and coercion by their real names is important, rather than pretending they are not what they are.

ENMM,

Rubbish!!

I had sex with my DW in the latter stages of her pregnancy with DS 1 as she believed this would trigger contractions.

I didn't want to and found the process strange to say the least. In your book I'd have been raped.

Get real!

I can see that a different thread is probably needed here. In a court of law this type of behaviour would not constitute rape. Again, off topic probably, surely without a little bit of manipulation/coercion or whatever no teenage boys would ever get laid? Or have things changed since I was 17? Sorry new thread needed.

OP - really recommend some kind of couples counselling and frank discussions with your partner.

AF I singled out your comments because there was something in the tone that was a little bit - domineering.

'surely without a little bit of manipulation/coercion or whatever no teenage boys would ever get laid?' .....

"surely without a little bit of manipulation/coercion or whatever no teenage boys would ever get laid".

Nice. Really nice. I guess it's not date-rape until they're old enough to vote, huh?

"surely without a little bit of manipulation/coercion or whatever no teenage boys would ever get laid?"

Aah... ahh, I see. So it's only rape if the perpetrator fits the TV description of stubbly, fidgety, overbearing mid-30's man, hm?

Manipulation/coercion/force is NEVER acceptable in sexual situations.

(Also, no need to get pernickety, I know lots of couples actively enjoy roleplaying such situations in their sex lives but that's a totally separate topic, and I don't want to derail the thread any further.)

RND...I am "domineering", you say

I say you have rather starnge ideas about coercive sex

and before you single me out again, I expect I am not the only one

*strange

red, I am sure you mean well, but perhaps you need to educate yourself a little bit about what is/is not a healthy sexual relationship

and yes, that comment is patronising

NinaJane, by saying the equivalent of 'oh get on with it then' to get a quiet life means you are left feeling debased, devalued, despising him and yourself. It will erode your marriage and your sense of self to allow this to continue.

He may be good looking (so what, you feel grateful or something?) but that's all surface show if he can't get you aroused. It's all mechanics, there's no tenderness or emotion.

You both need to call time on this destructive sex. You need to also tell him it's absolutely crap what what he's spouting about semen build up. And sexually healthy men and women masturbate. They masturbate each other. They make each other feel good. Sex does not have to be penetrative.

And to then sulk if he doesn't get his own way is cruel, pathetic and not manly. He seems woefully uneducated about sex and women generally actually. There are ways to get educated together e.g. reading erotic literature to each other and practising what turns you both on for instance; to learn what pleases the other. That would be a way forward, especially if you were leading the way re your sex life.

But if he only gets his jones through dysfunctional sex you need to weigh up whether his inadequacies should be something you suffer for.

The idea that this is rape is nonesense. Rape has to involve physical force- not emotional blackmail.

AF- rape is about power and control, not sex

and it is about intent

Err since when could a rape case go to court on the basis that the defendant "intended" to rape?

Rapeis about anger and power, not about sex, but this post is not about rape, unless the OP's H had sex with her against her will and it was forceful and aggressive.

'Rape has to involve physical force- not emotional blackmail.'

How about - 'if you don't have sex with me I will harm your children'.

So having sex with someone when unconscious or drugged is not rape if not physically forced?

Just read this, but not the whole thread

Forget his take on masturbation (although that is VERY strange), your take on sex is definitely wrong. And you believed the rot about the uninitentional errection. He's either visiting porn sites at work or lusting after someone there.

Rape does not have to involve physical force. Part of the problem with prosecuting rape cases is that in many instances the victim is so scared or so ground down by demands, verbal abuse, threats, stress, etc., that they are too scared to do anything but acquiesce and the law finds nuance problematic. Many times, women acquiesce because their DC or visitors are in the room next door and they don't know how they'd explain away a commotion if they didn't give in to their OH. And what about cases where women wake up to find their OHs having sex with them as they sleep? No force is used then but it is most definitely rape.

And children rarely fight off child abusers as they are too scared and too programmed to be 'good' - does this mean that most of the reported cases of child abuse are not real?!

Purplepeony, you are woefully misguided if you think the only type of rape is that where a man violently flings a woman around and there is no physical way to get him off. Rape IS about intent, as well as control and power. Just because you can't prosecute thoughts, doesn't mean they're not part of a crime. You can't prosecute someone for having 'wounded pride' if they killed their partner's lover, but it would be one of the key motivating factors nevertheless.

Scorpette are you a criminal lawyer?
If not, pipe down with all the emotional claptrap.

Spot on, Scorpette.

purplepeony - are you?

Dear god, NJ I hope for your sake this isn't real. I feel physically sick reading it.

It is abuse, he is scaring you into sex! You should never be too scared to say no!!