Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

have only read the OP...as a bloke, I find masturbation a very unsatisfactory second best......but I wouldn't want DW to be build up unhealthy resentment by making it a habit of doing it only for me......I would feel ashamed. The occasional doing it only for your own partner is part of a loving relationship but on a regular basis is unhealthy. Only solution I can suggest is that DH helps ensure that you have enough exercise and rest so as to help your sense of well being and therefore sex drive.

PS Yes, I can relate to the build up and "hunger" that your DH alluded to.

TD, I strongly advise you to read the rest of the thread now

and if you don't come back with a completely changed viewpoint, then I am going to have to cross you off my Christmas card list

what AF just said - at least read NJs posts TDiddy

hands TDiddy a shovel

AF - sorry but I am going to chip in here and say that there is something in the tone of your messages that is overly provocative. I am not saying that I necessarily agree or disagree with you, but the manner in which you post is highly emotive, and insensitive given that the OP is a married woman of four children living in a culture that is very different to our own.

That is not in any way trying to "justify" any kind of behaviour, it is simply trying to explain that when it comes to sexual relationships it is very, very difficult to try to find a "norm" and attitudes vary enormously between different cultures.

The OP's husband's attitudes have probably been heavily influenced by his own parent's behaviour (as indeed have we all). Again, I am not condoning any kind of abusive behaviour but when it comes to sexual relationships, there are a host of factors at play so I think that some of the posters here are oversimplying the situation.

Having said that I think the OP needs to set down firm boundaries and make it clear that she will not tolerate any kind of behaviour that is in any way demeaning. I would also suggest a frank discussion about it being unacceptable for her partner to discount her feelings. Counselling?

As I said, probably a crap idea. In a very loving, secure relationship where neither party is feeling bullied or pressured or abused then I don't think doing it when you don't 100% feel like it every once in a while is so bad. I don't think I am explaining my self very well. 2 people with different sex drives are going to have to make compromises sometimes on both sides.

you are allowed your opinion, red

but this situation is so far from the norm, the "normal" rules don't actually apply, IMO

jollying someone along who is living in this situation, doing a bit of head-patting and encouraging them to have a "frank discussion" with an abuser, is misguided

OP - has already said it upset her 'crying on the bathroom floor' and she is posting about it.

Footnote: I sometimes do it just to keep my partner happy - difference is it is my choice, I am not pressurised at all. I just make a decision that it will make things a little bit smoother at home. I am just a practical person! If I gave him any indication at all that I felt coerced, he would be upset. But the fact is, he is always "up for it" whereas I am not. Sorry to sound like a 50s housewife!!

red, I totally agree that what you just posted is fine in a good relationship

what the OP is describing is a very long way from that

I think your Hubby has the wrong end of the stick (phnarr phnarr!) here.

I average about 10 hand shandies a week minimum, regardless of amount of sex with DW. I Dont think that's weird, but quite natural.

It sounds like he's trying to put unfair pressure on you but surely that takes the joy away from the intimacy, if it's enforced?

Maybe a half-way house would be for him to masturbate with you watching/kissing/cuddling?

But that's not what he really means, is it- sorry sounds like a teenager who says his balls will burst if he doesn't have sex.

Emotional blackmail. All twaddle. If he is controlling and bullying in every aspect of your marriage, get rid of.

Umm I don't think it's anything close to rape. As you have said you have a loving relationship and have said you don't mind.

I've got to say, however, that I would mind. there is some pressure for sex going on there. The seamen build up and masturbation being a 'betrayal to you' or unhealthy for your sexlife, it all sounds like a croc to me.

Also the other disturbing factor is that he is willing for you to not enjoy of mentally be a part of sex.

ramade...why don't you think it's rape ?

because they are married ?

Nooooooo bloody hell. I think its cold and inconsiderate. I don't think it's rape because he hasn't been threatening towards her (physically or verbally), he isn't having sex with her when she isn't conscious enough to protest.

He has discussed it with her and even though he is putting on pressure. I don't think it's rape because she is able to make a choice.

Is it wrong to think that? Why?

there is another thread going at the moment about women's experiences of rape

in many cases described there, the perpetrator was neither physically nor verbally threatening

I would say they were still raped

however, I concede that only OP holds the cards to make a decision like that for herself and she says not, so I have to respect that

I don't have to agree with it, though

Just thought. Also in the case of systimatic bullying and pressure to do as he says would be a case for rape. Is he bullying you like that in the rest of your relationship Ninjajane ?

It is not rape - she consented. Therefore it is not rape. For goodness sake, whatever next, the "thought police" are going to come along and announce that every time a woman has sex when she is doing it with an ulterior motive (ie: keep him happy/he might buy me a nice car/not have an affair/might fall in love with me etc etc) then it is rape? That would be absurd.

I think it counts as abuse (hesitant to use the R-word out of respect for OP's thoughts) if the man is aware of the woman's grievances/unwillingness to have sex at that time but goes ahead and does it anyway. It's putting his wants over the feelings of his wife, and (ab)using her body for his own sense of pleasure.

Yuck, tbh.

It's very hard to tell what their relationship is like I guess from a few paragraphs. I just thought you would need to know A LOT more about them, before you go around writing that he is close to a rapist.

I see where you are coming from. She did consent and it was her decision to let him. OP thought she was doing the right thing or the easiest thing. Maybe she didn't fully appreciate how it would make her feel, hence why she cried afterwards. I think Op can see now that his behaviour is not normal and she should not have to put up with it.

rape is about power and control, not sex

and it is about intent

and now I won't mention it again, like CP, because the OP must be finding this horrendously difficult to read and this isn't really the place for a discussion about what constitutes sexual assault

NJ - seriously, your husband needs to take up w!

AF - it is quite insensitive to describe a husband and father of four children as an "abuser" even if that is your own opinion. No-one in their right mind walks out on a marriage when there are four children without at least trying to work out why things aren't working. At the very least it enables you to not make the same mistakes again.

You are entitled to your opinion that my views are misguided but I think it is irresponsible to throw around labels such as "abuser" and "rape".

red, I wonder why you are singling out my comments ?