Male masturbation

[NinaJane]

I just need some insight please - perhaps some blokes can help shed some light on the subject for me.

I always thought that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing to do. Actually, I still think so.

Thing is, my dh wanted to get frisky with me the other night, but I was completely knackered and brushed him off. At the time, he did not seem upset about it, but the whole of the next day, he froze me out. I asked him what his problem was and he explained that he needed sex. He said that he gets a semen built-up every 2nd day or so and that he needs the physical release. If not, he walks around with an unintentional erection the whole of the next day and it frustrates him, as he needs to concentrate on work. He says that he then feels annoyed and irritated towards me for having to deal with it the next day.

I asked him why doesn't he just masturbate - I honestly don?t mind, seeing as it is just a physical release he seeks. He then went on to explain that he feels that masturbation is unhealthy in a marriage. He says that it is the easiest thing in the world to do, to switch the computer on, look at some pictures and do what is necessary, but he feels that is a betrayal to me, because he is not thinking of me when he does that.

He also says that because masturbation is so effortless, he is scared that instead of going through the whole built-up to sex with me (which let's face it - involves some work), he might just decide that it is easier to just masturbate (also, because he tired at night) and he does not want to risk our otherwise healthy sex life, by eventually just taking the easier route.

I told him that my libido hits a low sometimes, especially after having four children and because of being tired and that there are times when I really just am not up to it. He understands that and does not want to push me to have sex with him, but he says he needs the release. I then told him 'fine, when you need the release and I am not up to it and you don't want to help yourself, then I will allow you to bonk me, but please understand that my heart and mind is not in it'. He seemed grateful for that.

I love my dh - we have been married for a very long time and I have absolutely no problem accommodating him in this way - it really is no skin of my nose.

I suppose what I want to know is this: Is my dh's take on masturbation in the marriage unusual or do others agree his view?

I dunno

This thread is horrific. Bloody hell after my sections my DH was helping me wash my wound and keep it clean, helping me wash my hair.

Not trying to jump me and make me feel like I had to give in.

I feel so sorry for you

NinaJane As soon as I saw that first post I knew your husband was South African - without wanting to stereotype, that sounds like a fairly common Afrikaans behaviour. Do you think the problem might be a cultural one? I'm not saying I disagree with other posters' comments about his behaviour being wrong but it seems to me that he will have been brought up to believe this..?

Ok, my DP has in the past tried to initiate sex and i havent been in the mood, one time i half heartedly said 'ok if you want' he refused, he wouldnt have sex with me if i wasnt 100% wanting it and up for it. Is this just my DP?

I really respect my DP for that, i have been in an abusive relationship, ok i was 14 years old but it was all still there, the abuse, the violence, the bullying the forced sex.
I would hear alarm bells if any man was happy to have sex with a woman who didnt want it.

Totally confused as to why everyone is so quick to jump to conclusions that your hubby is in the wrong. You clearly stated that he does not force you, thats the main thing right??? Yes, to some he may seem to have issues, but nobody else is in that marriage but the two of you. He may not fully comprehend your feelings about not being in the mood for it but then again there's a lot we as women do not understand about men. It just may be a big issue for him. At least he isn't saying 'if i don't get it from you i'll go elsewhere'... Way I see it one of u has to make a sacrifice or you both compromise - do what makes you both happy and not influenced by what others think is acceptable or wrong..

Soulchild I think he is hinting that he will go elsewhere if the OP doesn't let him use her as a sex toy

Have you read the whole thread soulchild, he has been using emotional blackmail to get sex on demand - including sex which his wife has said she 100% isn't in the mood for (and after a caesarean probably wasn't the greatest thing for her health)

This isn't compromise, he has told her he needs it every time he asks.

"What you seem to be suggesting is that once children enter a relationship, it is the responsibility of each parent to just tolerate any kind of shit the other might pull on them."

Umm - children enter into the world without their connsent and, unwittingly, into "a relationship" also without their consent at all because two adults have made a decision to bring them into the world. Sorry but where did I state that it meant that each parent would accept any kind of shit? I never said that, so you have misreprentated what I said.

Adults who make a decision to bring children into the world have responsibilities. Christ, is that such a revoltionary concept???!

they have responsibilities also to be a decent partner to the other parent of the child(ren)

that includes not terrorising, bullying or generally shifting their reality so much they end up not knowing what is right/wrong any more

and if you think I may be overstating that last reference, reread the OP again...and subsequent posts from the OP

Well, rednosedays, to be honest, it was rather hard to grasp what your point was, seeing as you started bringing up the issue of the OP's kids as though we had been discussing them being told bad things about their father, when no-one had mentioned that once. No-one is saying parents don't have responsibilities towards their children - this is Mumsnet, remember. But the OP having a chat with her husband about not trying to pressurise her into sex so much is not somehow negating her responsibility towards your children. You seem quite confused as to what's being discussed here.

red I think that whatever point you are trying to make you are a) not making it very well or b) making a point that does not have any relevance to this thread.

I doubt anyone on here cannot see that parents have a responsibility to their children (no shit sherlock), but you are the only one harping on about this. The OP has never stated that she discusses these issues with her children, and by the sounds of it, she never would. So what exactly is your point?

NJ I hope you are not distracted by the bickering on here but do know that his behaviour is just plain wrong, cruel, manipulative and abusive. I hope you manage to talk to him tonight. It is worrying that he feels good about last night - he clearly has no idea how it made you feel. I hope you can bring yourself to make it clear to him. xx

And thanks to Head for giving us the legal info and those of you brave enough to talk about your own abuse.

Pollypoo - are you being thick or just niave? Sorry not trying to be insulting here but obviously the whole issue with regard to bringing up children is so heavily loaded that you could probably point a hundred sawn off shot guns at it.

Yes, of course it is a huge bloody deal - don't be stupid. Of course the OP does not have to accept any crap at all. She could tell her partner to f* tomorrow, or even today.

But - the children of that partnership still have a huge interest emotionally in their father. That is a fact. It does not mean she has to have sex/be nice/stay married or any of those other things. BUT those children will want to have some kind of relationship with their father - and that is their right.

rednosedays I admit, I wasn't sure before what your point was either. To clarify, are you saying that the OP may have to 'compromise' by putting up with this for the children's sake?

Pollypoo - are you being thick or just niave? Sorry not trying to be insulting here

I hate it when people start sentences like that and then apologise, you were trying to be insulting otherwise you would have worded it differently.

I have just read this whole thread from start to finish, damn insomnia, and you are taking it way o/t.

No-one is talking about taking his rights away as a father, you just seem to be questioning ops ability as a mother.

"Sorry not trying to be insulting here"

Really? But you do it so well...

No-one is telling the OP to leave her husband or ban him from seeing his children. No-one is suggesting that the children need to be sat down and have it explained to them that their father is abusing their mother. So what in the name of fuck are you talking about?

Are you actually posting to help the OP or just because you like the sound of your own voice?

I really don't think I'm the one being thick here.

Rednosedays, NOBODY has been discussing those points here except you. YOU have brought them up, YOU are the one getting worked up about them and YOU are the one insulting people who are trying, very nicely, to point out to you that you're taking about stuff that is not relevant to what's being said. The OP has been asking about her OH's behaviour - behaviour that their children do not see - and then deciding to have a private chat with him about things that are upsetting her. How and why are you turning this into it being about the children not getting a relationship with their parents?!

Can you please stop making this about your personal issues? Why not start a thread of your own, because all this talk about the children and their relationship with their father is doing nothing but revealing your personal issues, not helping the OP or anyone else in the slightest. Christ, the poor OP hasn't even tackled her OH about being demanding about sex yet and you're guilt-tripping her about the kids and their father!

And do NOT speak to PollyPoo that way. She is a very dear friend to me in RL and I can tell you that she is anything but thick and naive. Everything she said is spot-on (and always is).

Have just read through this whole thread with a heavy heart.

My first marriage was an awful lot like OP's, but I had no idea that it was awful: I stayed for 17 yrs and 3 dc's until I got the courage - from where I don't know! - to separate.

I think this thread is amazing; there's so much good advice and support from so many strong women (and men!) and I hope NJ can accept what other posters are saying regarding how abusive, selfish and manipulative this man is being towards her. I was particularly unhappy to hear that, having managed to force her to have sex that left her crying alone in the bathroom afterward, he's now trying to lay a path for future encounters of the same type by saying he was grateful to her for last night! :(

Please stand up to him NJ; he's not treating you with any respect, so it's about time you gave yourself the respect you deserve despite his behaviour towards you.

Thanks Emmy and Scorps. And well said Superdragonmama. I am glad you found the courage to start again and hope you are happy.

AnyFucker and Ninajane - I scanned the thread very quickly -> which has led me to revise my earlier post: as many posters have said; any coercion and discomfort that you feel puts this on the unhealthy end of the spectrum hoovering around rape depending on the power/consent etc.

Clearly your DH has a sex drive build up which many people experience but as I said earlier, he has to compromise he sex drive and offer you support not pressure.

Glad you came back, TDiddy.

And NinaJane, please don't listen to anyone telling you that physical force has to be used. It's wrong. It's just absolutely wrong, legally as well as morally, and it's a handy little myth perpetuated by abusers to stop women standing up for themselves.

I hope you're alright, sweetheart. This is a really distressing thread.

rednosedays, apart form this, you are only on one other thread (that you started as an off shot of this one)...is that because you name changed (can't find any mention of this) or because you joined purposefully to take part in this discussion?

I am finding it difficult to believe that you are not the OPs H here. I can't decide. Your posts leave me feeling cold.

The fact that you are thinking that what the OPs H is doing is basically OK because he doesn't do it all the time & is not violent etc, is making my skin crawl.

Men don't have to be (and aren't) violent/abusive 24/7 for it to be abuse. Indeed, the violence/abuse is often spaced between weeks (sometimes) of non violent/abusive behaviour because that is what they do! They give their victim time to 'forget, forgive'. To think that maybe it isn't what it is, because he is so kind & lovely & thoughtful & good looking & a good dad, all the rest of the time.

The reason I think you may be him, is because to believe that the OP should stay in an abusive relationship for the children, really makes you no better than her H.

Sorry but some of you guys are so immature it is just incredible. Pathetic to be honest

Why is that? Is that because we don't allow our spouses to systematically abuse us? Or because we wouldn't stay in an abusive relationship? Or because we think that sexual contact between 2 people should be because they are both willing, both wanting to do it, that it should be loving & not forced?

What I find 'immature & pathetic' is

~ begging an unwilling partner for sex.
~ Making up lies about needing to have sex to release 'that all day erection'.
~ making your partner feel that she has to use the bathroom before having the unwanted sex (presumably to make her self ready so it doesn't hurt like hell)
~ helping yourself when she says 'just do it'
~ making your partner need to go to the bathroom to cry after sex

THAT is what is I find immature & pathetic! That & the fact that this 'man' has the morals of a 14yr old! And no respect for his wife.

1. all things being equal wife should be a willing 'wank sock'

1. mister should not be above cracking one off in the shower in the morning to ease ones internal sexual tension.

I think that is fair on both parties?

'Wank Sock' is not a term I'm familiar with, I read it in Bacofoil's post.

Sorry, but if you get into a relationship and produce children, then you have a responsibility towards those children

Of course you do. I agree with that. But does that not include not raping their mother?