Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

Checking name change

Howi, can I just add my thanks for your starting this tread. I too have an OM , I guess I'm in the stage Digger describes trying to get some distance on the whole thing and have nearly stopped all contact.(last text message 2 weeks ago, I didn't respond)

I don't think I can add much to all the advice and support on here already, but it is wonderful to know I am not the only one struggling with these feelings and thoughts. I won't post any more details about my affair as this is your thread not mine.

If it is any comfort to you, know that there are others out here trying to get on with our lives, marriages and children. Not allowing anyone to know or guess our hearts are breaking. Unable to find a confidante, desperately trying not to speak to the one person who we know will understand it all in a heart beat and be able to make us feel better about everything.

This thread has made me realise that my situation is not unique, that there are others who understand and that after trying to do this for a year alone is very comforting.

Hope things get clearer for all of us

Gosh - another one!

When in this situation you really feel as though you're the only one who has ever felt like it, don't you?

I think so often the OW is portrayed as an evil home wrecker wanting to attack someone else's marriage.

I know that in my case OM and I spent time together as part of our sporting activities, got on well but didn't flirt at all.

Then one day he sent an e-mail telling me his marriage was unhappy - basically asking for some sympathy I think. It was out of the blue - he hadn't ever said anything nasty about his wife in the past. I responded in a way I hoped was helpful - trying to put her point of view. I'll be honest and say I found it hard to do this as I already had feelings for him.

But that's the way it continued for a while - he'd occasionally offload a bit if he was unhappy and I would give what I hoped was a helpful reply despite wanting so much from him.

Then one day I thought I'd upset him about something and sent him an apologetic e-mail saying that I'd become over-personal etc etc.

That was it... the floodgates opened. He told me he'd fancied me for ages but he understood that he couldn't do anything about it and if he so much as tried to kiss me I'd probably slap him.

He apologised for being stand-offish with me but said that he had to be like that with me because he found it difficult to be near me.

Well I'm afraid I did manage to keep a lid on things for a while but not for long. I'd been fine when I'd assumed he didn't have feelings for me but once it became apparent that he did I couldn't bear it any longer.

He feels like a soulmate - maybe even the man I've waited my whole life for.

It's hopeless - we both have children and don't want to disrupt their lives. We manage very little time alone together.

In answer to the question about my DP - he's a lovely man but I've felt distant from him for years. I won't go into details but I feel as though I'm the strong one in our relationship - despite my spectacular weakness in starting an affair.

This isn't something I've rushed into - I've stayed faithful throughout our married life and not been interested in looking elsewhere.

OM isn't even my 'type'. The whole thing grew out of our friendship and now I can't begin to see how it can end well. We're just so good together in so many ways - sex is only a tiny part of it.

And if I'd read this dispassionately written by someone else a year or two ago I would've thought it was pathetic and that the OW in the case should've been stronger and resisted the temptation to embark upon a relationship with someone else's husband.

But for me the feelings are real. For the time being we're being very careful ndeed not to hurt anyone else. No long phone calls. E-mails and texts mostly about everyday things.

He says his marriage has been on the rocks for 5 or 6 years but he can't afford to separate. His wife recently asked if he was having an affair because he hasn't been having sex with her - though he says that she doesn't actually want to have sex with him.

So one way or another I expect there are`tears to be shed at some time in the future. God what a mess. I honestly don't like drama - I just want a quiet life - preferably in a loving relationship - and this one feels so good when we're together even when we're not alone.

I'm amazed at how many people find themselves in similar situations. I'm also amazed by how many people seem to be going through these things long term. I don't think I can see that happening in my case. I have to end it or it will end in tears for everyone. I suppose the dynamic has changed in my situation, in that OM is now single. Also, I couldn't cope with this level of intense feelings long term. But thank you for the thoughts and experiences - it has really given me some comfort to know I'm not alone in this. I have felt so wretched and pathetic (and a bit crazy) at times.

Hope you're doing ok x

Ahhhhhh another one here i'm afraid!! I have posted about it in the past....I think you are doing REALLY well howdiditcometothis.....a much stronger woman than I!!
I have actually seperated from my H to sort out my feelings, just don't know where to start otherwise, know I have to stop contact with OM before I can hope to sort my own life out.
I have no idea why it all feels so perfect with the OM even when you know it is more complicated with them...what IS that!??
Anyway, just wanted to give support really, you are doing brilliantly and I hope I can be as strong as you soon!
xxxx

Hi Guys,

I am the W or rather was the wronged W. Throughout our long marriage my H had various emotional affairs or possibly physical affairs with women who were his "soulmate". He denied them but I knew at some level. I suffered for years whilst he denied and made out I was imagining things. Eventually I found absolute proof, but for a while he still denied. I really wish he had not stayed but left me in the beginning. All during the affairs he was distant, uninvolved in the marriage, critical of me and often cold, whilst attempting to blame me for the state of the marriage. His heart and his thoughts were elsewhere. I suffered guessing there was an OW, but wondering if I was imagining it like he said. If he had left it would have freed me earlier, to find happiness, to find MY "soulmate" elsewhere. He clearly had deep feelings for at least one of these women who shared his hobby. I don't begrudge him this. On discovery he said the affair would stop. I hated it that he was grieving the loss of the affair. It hurt that he had feelings for someone else and was suffering. It hurt that I was second best. He wouldn't leave me, so I left him. Please ladies, don't put you DH through what I went through. If your DH isn't the best, isn't your first choice, let him go. Go with your soulmate. Your H will probably wish you well eventually, and will certainly be relieved at some level. Marriages where the W's heart is not fully involved in it are not pleasant. You are staying in the marriage for YOU not for the spouse who has a sham marriage because you are not fully committed. Children need parents who are fully committed to eachother. When, eventually your children find out that the parents' marriage was a charade, they will have no respect for you, and will pity their dad.

I agree. I said earlier no wonder the OP's DH is losing his temper. He know whats been going on. I think its bloody awful (out on a limb here) to put him through it. It all sounds very dramatic to me.

The best think OP could do is try and stay away from both of them. There is nothing better then time on your own. Maybe neither of these blokes is the right one?

I'm so sorry BaggyAgy that that happened to you. And reading that does make me feel ashamed to have allowed myself to get mixed up in this. I'm not proud of what I've done and yes Kittya I think what I've done is 'bloody awful'. I am trying to work out what the 'right' thing to do is and act accordingly. What BaggyAgy has said does make me question whether I am doing the right thing in trying to get OM out of my head and my life and working on my marriage.

howdiditcometothis, Thank you for your kind thoughts. I am now one year this week since discovery and am finally happy away from my H. If you too can find happiness do not throw the opportunity away, it is a rare commodity. Its unfortunate that you let yourself get involved with OM, but you did. Don't punish yourself by feeling ashamed. You sound really nice. It's obvious you don't want to hurt anybody. Try not to hurt yourself.

Good Luck

Another one here.

Can't offer much advice except to say the thought of not talking to OM fills me with dread, but I know that day is coming.

Trouble with me is that I knew OM 20 years ago and we realised then that we were perfect for each other. That hasn't changed at all, even though we have only been back in contact for under a year, we are both married etc.

I'd say though that if you are unhappy in your marriage, you should break from that BEFORE you try to make it work with OM. Only then will you know for sure if this new relationship is the one you should pursue. Good luck.

I agree with AggyBaggy. Would you still consider it a sham when DH knows all about OM and has choosen not to be left IYSWIM ?

Hi,
My opinion is just that, my own opinion, I am no expert, I simply have personal experience. I know what's right for me.

Maybe your DH is afraid of being alone. In time this may change. However, he may well become resentful and of course, if he meets someone special, he could leave.

If your heart and thoughts are elsewhere, then there are 3 people in your marriage. Does that make it a sham?

Maybe ask yourself how all 3 of you will feel in 10 or 15 or 20 years, if you remain in your marriage, or if you leave. Will you be angry you wasted the opportunity to be with OM, will your DH regret not ever being truly loved. Will either of you resent the other or feel that the other has blighted your life and prevented happiness. Will you be glad you persisted with a loveless marriage, or can you rekindle love and have a happy future together?

Only the 3 of you can really know. You have received lots of advise on your thread, much of it contradictory. You seem genuinely nice. In my opinion you should not ignore your own needs. Don't punish yourself or let anyone punish you. Whatever you do, good luck.

Baggy - wow, you sound so lovely and kind and sorted. What a font of wisdom! I would like you as my wife, except I am a woman and I am not gay!

I just wonder if your DH ever gets tempted he will go for it, tit for tat, so to speak. How would you feel?

Is there anyway you can be on your own for awhile?

"Maybe ask yourself how all 3 of you will feel in 10 or 15 or 20 years, if you remain in your marriage, or if you leave. Will you be angry you wasted the opportunity to be with OM, will your DH regret not ever being truly loved. Will either of you resent the other or feel that the other has blighted your life and prevented happiness. Will you be glad you persisted with a loveless marriage, or can you rekindle love and have a happy future together?"

Baggy - this strikes a chord with me. It's so hard to look into the future and know how you will feel. I do think I will regret not trying to save my marriage though. I am determined now to try and forget OM and try to rekindle the love me and DH have shared. I didn't realise how far we had grown apart and how much the relationship had changed. And we need to face up to that and try and understand why and whether we can get back to it. I feel so angry with him a lot of the time - which must sound outrageous given my behaviour but I will really work on that. We were out and about at the weekend with DD and I kept noticing other families and couples and how they would instinctively hold hands as they walked along, or smile at each other or listen in closely to each other and it struck me that we used to be like that, for years we were like that and each other's confidante and best friend. I hope one day we will share that agin. At the moment we walk separately, without touching, distracted when we 'talk' (or issue instructions, messages re nursery etc to each other more like). We never talk properly anymore, hardly eat together etc. No wonder we are unhappy.

So I gues the only thing I'm certain I will regret in the future is making the effort to repair what we've got and try to get back to what we had.. If I really try and fail, I won't have to live with wondering 'what if'. As for OM, he needs to leave me be and I need to leave him be to grieve for his marriage and work through the chaanges in his life in peace.

There was a really good article in the Guardian about this, following some survey that showed that 1 in 5 people in marriages are in love with someone else

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/14/mistaking-lust-for-love

Rednosedays thank you. thank you thank you, you have make my day.

Howdiditcometothis, maybe I can help you here. I recognise the loss of love you are describing. You no longer touch. I remedied this by just touching my H every time I passed him. I would touch his shoulders or arm. When he showed pleasure in this I gently kissed his neck every now and again when I walked past him and he was seated and I was walking past. He started to grab my hand after the kiss and started to say some thing nice. When in the car I would gently and briefly stroke his leg or just touch/brush his hand. An occasional wink or blown kiss also shows affection. Touch him. It works. Sadly, even tho we are now separated, My H appears suddenly to be very very ill. The only person he wants to talk to is me. Affection actually outlives lust in my opinion. Men don't get touched enough.
I really wish you well, you sound like a very good person. Good Luck you deserve it.

my advice which worked for me....get away...by yourself to somewhere you will love and you can relax. Somewhere sunny. Cut all contact for that period. Allow your emotions to work themselves out. They will. It's amazing. I felt like dying at the beginning, then suddenly an optimism came over me...I thought about everything a lot and my feelings changed day by day. Now ready to be a grown up and cut ties. GL

BaggyAggy you are amazing, a very refreshing perpective. In answear yes I spend a lot of time thinking how we will all feel in 10 or 20 years. I actually suggested we all met to talk it out, neither Dh or OM wanted to do that. I do think that it is very important to make the right decision, any split from Dh would be followed by sometime alone seeing OM maybe twice a week. I don't think any of us are ready for that yet but it may come. I would realy like to show this thread to Dh as he just dosent talk about it at all, I think we need to talk it out to have any chance together.

Hi couldofshouldofwouldof, again thank you for the compliment. You seem to be doing all the right things and for the right reasons. If DH really will not respond, even after enough time to respond positively, you will have done your best. Can you explain to him that you can not wear "sack cloth and ashes" for ever, and that you need some positive sign from him that he wants a good relationship with you. You can't do it alone. Is he punishing you? If so how long will that continue? Forever? Of course he is hurt, but he needs to agree that he is trying to make things work, even if he is not succeeding right now. I must admit that at one stage I was doing all I could to hold on to my DH so that OW could not have him. I didn't really want him because he was a a serial philanderer and unlikely to change in the long run. But I wasn't going to let OW win. My H was "punished" by seeing me visibly hurting . I'm not proud of that. It soured their relationship, and when I left him he didn't go to her. He appears to have blocked her e-mails too, now. You DH probably has many mixed motives too.

Thanks BA that is why I am only having minimal contact with OM (about once a month)just to know he is alive. I want my relationship with DH to sink or swim on its own. I am giving it one full year without seeing OM to make this decision.

Well I hope you other ladies have been doing better than I have. I'd been feeling more able to sort things but I'm back at square one and I hate myself for it.

Even ended up meting in person again. Again, restrained in the sense that nothing sexual happened but ...god, what a mess. Entirely my fault, I instigated the meeting. The really stupid thing is that each time we meet it gets harder to walk away. He just held me, stroked my hair, talked to me, made me believe that I can fix things, be a good mum, make things work at home (sounds weird but it's true).

Had a car crash a few days ago (not hurt but a massive shock) and I couldn't get hold of anyone and I rang him - I think in shock to be honest and he dropped everything to be there for me. I wouldn't let him come in person in the end but I know if I'd let him he would have been there in no time.

A day and a half is the longest without contact. How pathetic. I started to delete everything and couldn't - I have hundreds and hundreds of emails, messages, songs etc etc - I can't bear to bin the lot.

Short of moving away - job, house, everything and disappearing I can't see a way forward. The issue I guess is that I don't want it to stop.

Why are you still with your husband? Apologies only skim read as thread is long but don't get the feeling that your heart is still with him. You seem to feel obligated through marriage to stay with him? Ok, yes you made those vows and want to take them seriously but you sound so miserable and I can't think it's barrel of laughs for your DH.

Sometimes you just have to be brave. Sort the situation out instead of lurching along hoping that something will be different at some point... maybe.....possibly....if only this, that or the other.....It won't happen. You need to take charge.

Drastic situations will call for drastic actions.
I think you are doing the right thing if you know that you are not self controlled enough to stop contacting him.