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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:52

I could have written the last post of yours myself. He does all those things. 'You're not the same person'. You don't care about me'. 'You don't love me anymore'. 'You are turning into your mum'. Etc, etc.

He has also call me every name name under the sun c*t, st, b*h, w**e, fat, ('all the other mums around here aren't fat, why are you?' - I am a size 12) and has brought up ex boyfriends I have stupidly told him about in the past and goes on ad nauseum about them because he would prefer someone pure like the 24 year old virgin he had the affair with. He also bombards me with phone calls and once I was in a supermarket that had no reception and he freaked out so much that he could not get in contact that he went and bought a pay-as-you-go phone and went on and on about how irresponsible I was for not being contactable.

I know he has had a very troubled childhood but I have come to the point where I will not take any more of his crap but he cannot use his past as an excuse for making my life hell. We are semi split right now - he is living half the week somewhere else to relieve the tension because it is like a pressure cooker at home.

I am telling all about my problems because I want you to see that you are not alone and I hope you recognise that what he is doing is not right.

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:57

Here's a link to my last thread - am not hijacking your thread, just want to see if you find similarities.

here

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:01

OMG, loads of similarities there!
He doesn't call me that many names, but has told me I am not the woman he married, freaked at me for turning my back for a minute while he was talking to me & told me I was turning into my f'ing mother.
He went loopy because I innocently danced with a friend of his, even though he was intimate with another woman just before we got married, which I forgave him for & has started to become very jealous when I go out without him.
Just when things are reaching breaking point & I am hating the sight of him, he will turn his nicer side on & I feel like I have imagined it all!
He also had an awful childhood.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:04

How awful!
Was he physically violent as well then?

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:07

Do you see that nothing you could do or say can change anything? He is going to be unhappy, whatever you do. The irony of it is that he is the one who need s professional hell more than you and he turns the tables saying you do! He will find anything to be a problem. That's what these jekyll and hyde guys are like. Did you see about the cycle of abuse on one of the links and how it works? Start writing down things in a book kept hidden and squirrel some money away - you don't know what is in the future.

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:11

That was the only time he was physically violent, but who knows what might have happened if I did not call the police. He was full of remorse after but just the following week he started blaming me for it, saying it was my fault, that it would not have happened if I didn't 'push' him to do it. He also got angry that I got police involved and said I betrayed him for doing it.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:14

My counsellor told me to write things down & I have started to do that over the holidays, or things drift from my mind.
I know there was an incident when ds1 was a baby where he got me in such a state that I got this weird stress rash come up on my back, but I can't remember the incident, because I just let things go back then.
Interesting that your H can turn into Mr nice too. It is obviously typical of these kinds of men & the reason they get forgiven.
Was it only around the time of his affair that you started to notice that he was abusive towards you?

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:17

My H blames me for incidents too.
At Christmas time he noticed a glass ball had fallen from the tree & smashed it into lots of pieces.
When I told him how bad his behaviour was, he said "Well, if the ball hadn't been on the floor, I wouldn't have smashed it."

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:24

Pretty much. It was really the straw that broke the camel's back. I always knew that something was wrong but never knew how deal with it - or like you said before you 'forget' about how things happened. My memory has been appalling since I met him and I am sure it is because of that. Before the affair I was always bending over backwards to make sure that everything ran smoothly for him because he would get upset if a certain top was not washed or if I didn't have enough milk. The way he reacts to things is that he always thinks the worst before he has even worked out what is going on. A simple thing like sugar 'You forgot to get more sugar, haven't you?', before he even looked in the cupboard properly. Now I don't let it affect me but for the longest time I did. He also wanted dinner as soon as he came in the door if I was literally a couple of minutes off he would scream abuse at me and then sulk all night. I am sure you have had many of the same kind of arguments.

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:28

Just yesterday I came home after work to my h swearing his head off. My ds had hurt my dd and he jumped up, damaging his precious laptop when it fell on the ground. He was almost psychotic about it and was blaming my ds who is 5! The kids were huddled on the couch whimpering when I came in and I had to comfort them until they got back to normal.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:32

Oh yes! He often creates if his jeans are not ready for him, or he has not got a shirt washed & ironed ready for when he goes out etc.
I panic when I am in charge of the internet shopping, incase I have forgotten something important!
He does cook a lot of the meals though.
I have just read the cycle of abuse & it is scarily familiar!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:33

It is horrible for the poor kids isn't it?
Have you got an escape plan of any kind?

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:34

I'm so pleased you recognise yourself in those pages. I have wanted to post on your thread for a while but have been really paranoid about it. Felt I had to help though. Another mumsnetter I know in real life thought you were me until a few obvious differences gave the game away!

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:36

I have a long term escape plan. My parents live overseas and I have just told them what is going on and they are being very supportive. I can safely tell them myh plans and they are behind me every step of the way which is great. Have you thought about what is ahead of you?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:40

Really????
Why were you paranoid about posting?
I only started to realise that my H's behavior was abusive, when I plucked up courage to post my first thread about him on MN, just to see what outsiders made of my problem & was shocked at the responses!
I didn't say much to RL friends, because I was scared of anything getting back & also, I guess I didn't want to admit how cr*p my relationship really was.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:43

Oh that's good, I am glad your parents are so supportive.
Did they suspect anything before hand?
My parents know bits & bobs, but not everything.
Living back with them would nearly as difficult for me as living here, but in different ways.
I did it for 4 days in the holidays & it was unbearable!
I don't really know what my plan would be, as I don't know where I would go.
This is why I need to see about my legal rights.

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:44

Paranoid in case he reads it and puts two and two together. Believe me, there is nothing shameful about having a crap relationship. The only one who should be ashamed is him for treating you so appallingly and I am sure you will be overwhelmed by support if you tell a few people in real life. You sound like a good person and h does not.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:47

Oh I see.
Do you think he would look for you on MN?

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:48

Yes its very important to get your rights sorted straight away, becuas euntil then it will be hard to work out what to do.

My dad told me that he is reliedved that I am being so strong about it all becuase he knew something was up but didn't know how to bring it up. He also said that he was scared that I would be a woman who was uner-the-thumb for the rest of my life. I am an eternal optomist though and refuse to let him beat me down. Though I must say, he very nearly did.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:50

Well you sound very strong to me!
Well done for telling your parents everything.
You sound further along the road than me!

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:50

No, but he would randomly go through history. I do have to be careful. He's quite unhinged and I don't quite know what he could do next. Do you ever feel that way with your h?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:51

Oh yes, BIG time!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 22:53

When you are out with friends etc, does your H ever give you a look when you say or do something, which tells you, you are in trouble as soon as you are on your own?

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fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 22:59

Well, that happens very rarely as he has no friends because he does not believe in them! But when I have gone out with friends he will bombard me with phonbe calls. If I didn't hear the phone or ignored it the messages would get more and more abusive until I would have to excuse myself early from a meal because he wanted to rant down the phone. That was embarressing until my friends understood what was going on and then were very supportive.

Do you find that if something is wrong with work, the whole world - especially you - is wrong? I get that all the time and now I just withdraw. In the past I would try and support him but now I just ignore it.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 23:03

Oh yes, the whole world is against my H & he regually tells me so!
Any argument or incident is always my fault & the thing is, he has me believing it too.
I am going to have to go to bed now, as I have to be up early for work in the morning.
Thanks for all your support tonight & I hope things get better for you.
Night.xxx

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