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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 17:21

I know Blu, I will speak to my HV about where to go from here, as I am sure she knows who best to go to first.
I think a lot of the depression type feelings I was starting to experience a few weeks back, when things were really bad, were because I felt so trapped due to my current circumstances & home was becoming unbearable.
It is the fear if the unknown, fear of how I would cope & if I am honest, even though H can make things very miserable, he has been my life for nearly 10 years & it will be very, very hard to let go of that.
I try not to cry in front of my ds's & I told him not to worry & that Mummy won't cry anymore.
Most times that I cry, it is done in private, often away from H too.
Don't know how long ago it was that ds1 last saw me upset, but it has obviously stuck in his mind.
H was having a bit of a go at me this morning because I mentioned how dark it is when the doors are shut upstairs & he took it that I was moaning that I wasn't happy with the house.
Ds walked into the kitchen & said "Mummy, I love you." & walked out.
H then said "He said that because he thinks I am shouting at you again."
He is obviously aware of the effect it has on ds, but doesn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:
KateF · 05/09/2005 17:52

Stressedmummy-I went to see the Lone Parent Advisor at the Jobcentre when I needed to know facts and figures. She was fantastic and just having the info and knowing I could manage alone gave me the confidence to tell dh it was counselling or split (he is quite a lot like your dh). We are seeing counsellors now and I hope we can save the marriage. Anyway, could you go to your local Jobcentre when you're in town one day? Information is very empowering. Good luck.

Tessiebear · 05/09/2005 18:02

SM - the burden that your poor DS is taking on.
He is behaving more like the real MAN of the house than your H. He is sensitive to your feelings, in tune with your emotions and very caring - he is everything that you should have in a H.
Seriously though - you dont want him to look back at his childhood and have him realise that he spent most of it worrying about things that he shouldnt NEED to even be thinking about IYKWIM

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 18:25

Yes I know Tess, believe me.
Been trying to get hold of you.

OP posts:
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blu · 05/09/2005 19:48

Tes, i think that's v perceptive, about the role DS is taking on.
SM - i know - I really don't want to underestimate the hugeness of even thinking about breaking up a home and a marriage - and I certainly don't feel I want to actively persuade another person to do such a thing. I can understand that whatever problems you are having with H, you have a life, and history and unfulfilled dreams all focussed on him and on your relationship.I don't want to put any extra pressure on you, either.

I just wonder if not having the facts about ways in which a separation might be made workable in a practical sense might be adding to your feeling of depression. I would feel quite panicked, I think, if I felt trapped - but less so if i could see the means of escape, even if i decided not, in fact, to take it.

I know you are doing everything you can to take the emotional pressure off DS - and you are doing well. But if you have to keep it up for the rest of his childhood - I fear you will drive yourself mad in the enormous effort involved.

XXXXX

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 19:56

Hi stressedmummy, I have been following your thread for a while and want to give you a big virtual hug ((())). I am mainly a lurker but felt I really needed to say something as I understand exactly what you are going through. For me, the best thing that ever happened was my h having an affair because it forced me to look at him in a completely different light and I started standing up for myself. He is abusive and a bully and although his triggers for his anger are different to your h's the end result is the same - years of treading on eggshells making sure you don't disturb the equilibrium. My h got so bad I had to call the police and that started to curtail things a bit on his behalf.

What I started to tell myself was that his reactions are his problem - they have nothing to do with me. What's the worst he can really do except for rant a bit? I got onto anti depressants which helped immensely as they help you to reamin aloof to everything. Have you ever tried turning the tables and talking to him in the same manner he talks to you? I do that a lot and he hates it with a passion, but then you can turn around and point out that he does the exact same thing - doesn't feel nice, des it? I know its a bit childish and petty but it does work and brings them down a few pegs. A book I read really helped. It's called 'The Emotionally Abusive Relationship' by Barbara Engel. I really think you should read it. CAT me if you are interested and I can send you my copy because I have read it several times!

x

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 20:26

It's ok Blu, I don't feel you are pressuring me at all, you have been a huge help to me throughout all this & I feel that I should find out where I stand regarding money, house etc, as I feel very trapped in my present situation.
I guess I was just explaining why I have not acted quicker.
My ds's are my main concern.
Hi fedupandwantout, I am sorry to hear that you have had problems with your H too.
I sometimes try & turn the tables when he spills things etc, but never get very far.
I would be interested in reading that book & will CAT you as soon as my send & recieve is working properly, as we are having a few probs with our internet ATM & are having to use a wireless connector.
I am reading Woman who love too much, which is quite an eye opener for me.

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 20:47

Great, I can send it as soon as you do. Hopefully it will make you think about the way you relate to him.

You are right to be concerned about your ds's. My ds has behavioural problems which I am sure have a lot to do with my h. He'll (h) thinks nothing about breaking things around the house in a rage and my dd even now mentions a cup of hers he broke about four months ago. It make sme so sad when she says things matter of factly like 'Daddy broke the cup because he was mad, wasn't he Mummy'. My son is very sensitive to all the yelling and was concerned for me in the same way your ds is. I sat both of them down one day and explained 'what Daddy is doing isn't right and it has nothing to do with you because you have not done anything wrong' and my son really took that on board. I had not realised how much he had taken upon himself. Your ds probably feels helpless and responsible for you so it might be worth chatting to him about it.

The best thing I ever did was to start telling friends. Funnily enough they were all aware something was not quite right. I would have loved to have posted more on Mumsnet but could not as h knows about it and I have had to change my name a few times to cover this up. If he read this now he would know it was me so I have to delete the bits of history that relate to it. It's a nightmare but necessary. Do be careful about him finding out about this site because it could cause you a lot of problems if he knew.

Please seek some legal advice and find out exactly where you stand. You must start to protect yourself. x

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 20:58

I am very consious of H finding out about my thread.
I use a different name for threads involving him, as he knows my other MN name.
I try to delete very regulary (did you delete using the tools bar at the top of your pc?), but am nervous that he would look on this thread, as he would figure out it was me pretty quickly.
He is not interested in looking on MN generally though.
My ds1 has concerning social & interaction problems, which I am convinced are a result of all this with H.
I do sit down & talk to him about how he feels & try to reassure him of any worries he may have.
I will seek some legal advice. That is my next move, as I feel very trapped ATM.

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:24

No, I have a mac so I just have to click and drag. very straightforward.

I say a lawyer several months ago and was pleasantly surprised at what can happen. I think once you do it all those 'what if' feelings should subside a bit and you can look at it more logically.

When I first started analysing what he was doing I trawled the internet - not sure if you have done the same. Here are some links:

link{http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

\link{http://www.myndtalk.org/htm/abuse.htm}

They are just a few of the pages I have found on the net. Hope you find them interesting. x

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:27

Link wouldn't work!

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:28

No, I have a mac so I just have to click and drag. very straightforward.

I say a lawyer several months ago and was pleasantly surprised at what can happen. I think once you do it all those 'what if' feelings should subside a bit and you can look at it more logically.

When I first started analysing what he was doing I trawled the internet - not sure if you have done the same. Here are some links:

link{http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

\link{http://www.myndtalk.org/htm/abuse.htm}

They are just a few of the pages I have found on the net. Hope you find them interesting. x

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:29

Still can't get it!

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:30

That didn't work...

hope this does

Blu · 05/09/2005 21:30

Do you click on 'clear history' on the history menu on the toolbar, SM? Cos the history does list all the individual threads, doesn't it?
I do 'clear history' v regularly - to hide the extent of my MN habit from DP

Blu · 05/09/2005 21:31

Good link, fedup - I'll leave you two to it for the night!
Night!

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:31

and another

fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:33

one more

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:33

I could relate to a lot of that!

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:34

Night!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:35

Yes Blu, that is the way I have been deleating up till now. Hope it works!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:35

Night Blu.xxx

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 05/09/2005 21:39

I knew you would see yourself in it. Please, please keep reading - the more you read the more you will work out what is going on and you will feel less helpless. Believe me, I know exactly how you are feeling, the only only difference is now I realise it and also realise that I hate him and I know that I am worth more than the crap he is putting me through.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 05/09/2005 21:43

Did you say you are still with him ATM?
My H always turns things round & attempts to make me feel bad.
He also regually comes out with the "You don't love me like you used to" line, as if it is my fault that the relationship is bad.

OP posts: