Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

Thanks! Sorry about bleating on about myself. I just thought you might find some stuff there that was similar. Sleep well. x

Hi SM, hope you are ok - speak soon XXX

fedup - really sorry you have been going through this - it sounds horrible - very re-assured to hear that your folks are so supportive and you have a good escape plan. Good for you.

Hope all is going well for you at work etc, SM. Have a good day.

Thanks Blu. Hope everything is ok today sm. x

Work was ok today, thanks Blu.
It was my first PPA afternoon since being back & this class are much noisier than my last, so I had to come down a bit tough, just to make myself heard!
I am noticing that ds1 seems a bit drifty again since starting his new class, which is concerning me.
I guess I half expected he would go back a bit after 6 weeks off & a new class, but feel I don't want to ask his teacher too much yet, as I find it too upsetting.
H has been a bit too severe with him tonight for my liking, which hasn't happened for a while.
Hope you are ok, fedup.

Have to be careful, because he is around tonight.
Basically, ds got his foot stuck in his bed, because he was standing on the bed & probably messing about.
I was sorting out ds2, when I heard him crying that his foot was stuck & he couldn't get it out.
I then heard H say "Too bad, you can stay like that all night now, you shouldn't have been messing about."
I walked in & ds was very distressed, so I helped him get his foot out & comforted him.
He was still crying quite a lot & H shouted "STOP CRYING" really loud.
I told him that ds didn't mean to get his foot stuck & was only playing, to which his answer was "Well if he hadn't have been messing about with his foot, while standing on the bed, he wouldn't have got it stuck & how I was too soft with him and that is the reason he is how he is.
Earlier in the evening he had been saying something about how next summer would be better than this one, but I couldn't answer him because I don't know where I will be next summer.

its not your fault - your not too soft, hes too hard, your son probably shouldnt have been messing about in bed but thats what kids do they are not robots that can be controlled every minute of the day and if he hurt himself then you did the right thing giving him attention i really dont know how you keep your cool with ur h sometimes.......i feel for you hun

hi stressedmummy, this is a rare evening foray onto mumsnet for me.

So sorry to hear that your H has been horrible. I'd like to leave him for a night with his foot trapped in a bloody mangle! But good on your for standing up to him and telling him that your DS was only playing. Seriously, good on you.

Didn't get me very far though dino, he is always right!
Felt I had to say something, because he being pretty cruel to ds, who was already distressed enough.
They do, do silly things like slotting their feet down the side of their beds, don't they?
Good to see you on MN in the evening, anyway dinosaur!
Kelli22, thanks for the reassurance.
I automatically think I am to blame for most things.

Well, even if he thinks he's always right, you know, and I know, and a lot of other people on mumsnet know, that he's not. And by saying your piece in front of DS1, you've given him the very important message that you don't buy that either.

So, well done. Sorry, I hope I'm not coming across as patronising.

The main reason I don't mumsnet in the evenings is that the 'puter is in the DSs bedroom. But they are snoring away atm!

Not at all patronising dinosaur! Infact I thought people would be cross that I didn't stand up to H more & was a little reluctant to even post what had happened tonight.

I'm really glad you posted. You did absolutely the right thing by your DS1. I'm just sorry that you have to put up with your H being such an arse. To be honest, I'm quite sorry for him as well. I think he's a very screwed up person. But he needs to get professional help. As you are realising, you can't make him be happy, no matter how hard you try.

Yes I am starting to now.
I have tried to be understanding & make excuses for him regarding his horrible childhood, but I cannot do the impossible.
He needs proffesional help to stand any chance of dealing with his issues & I can't offer that.
I have also told him that I will never be tidy enough for him etc.
He is still awaiting something to come through about his AM, but I have a feeling it is going to take forever.

Trying to do things his way will never work because he will always keep raising the bar.

Beige carpets, blinds that can be bent out of shape. These are all just obstacles that he is putting in your path.

What did he say when you told him that you will never be tidy enough for him?

And does he acknowledge that there's not a woman alive (well, certainly not on mumsnet!) who would be?!

How was return to school for you and DS1?

My DS1 had his first day back today. Seems to have gone well, thankfully.

Poor DS!
I can remember being that age. If your foot is stuck, and an adult tells you you will stay like it all night YOU BELIEVE THEM. It shouldn't be a big deal. Kids get their feet stuck, parents help them out. Otherwise there would be no such thing as childhood, and people would be born as fully experienced adults with their sense of curiosity and play deleted from the outset!.

I think your H is so bereft that he had no childhood of his own that he cannot bear ab=nyone else to have one either.

that feels like the saddest thing in the world, but even more sadly, i don't think he will stop blocking your DS's childhoods until someone makes him stop or gets the kids out of reach- he is too out of control.

It isn't your 'fault' it's a normal childhood minor incident.

And I second Dino - good for you in standing up for DS.

We were both back last Thursday.
It was for me, like I had never been away!
Ds seems quite distant again to me & I fear he has gone back to how he was a few months back.
I guess being in a new class hasn't helped & after having 6 weeks off he is out of the school routine big time.
I noticed him sitting on his own on the wall today & it makes me really upset that he doesn't run around with groups of friends, like the other children.
When I told H I would never be tidy enough, he said that he was not always expecting the place to be free of toys etc (although this does grate him), but spills & things getting ruined annoy him.
However, like I have said before, I can be clumsy!

You could well be right in what you say about H not wanting them to have a childhood, because he didn't.
He certainly doesn't seem to know how to be a responsible, caring parent at times Blu.

Well, it does take them a while to adjust to the new routine. My DS1 was awful at the start of the summer holidays; he was lost without the school routine. Hope your DS1 settles in again. Maybe try and spend extra time with him in evenings/weekends when your H is not around?

I must go to bed now. The half-blttle of wine I had with my dinner is overwhelming me with sleepiness. Thinking of you and your boys. Take care of yourself now.

Thanks dinosaur!
Night.xx

Hmmm. It's really hard to look at DS's 'distance-ness' at school, isn't it, because it might all be mixed up with H, but he might also have some additional and separate uncertainties with socailising in the busier environment of school. it's hard to unpick because oif the undoubted effect of H's behaviour. How is DS with other people, but away from yu? Is he confident if left wih a friend for a while?
But i'm sure a lot is down to his own (DS's ) fragile self-esteem in groups and less intimat environments, because he is afraid of doing something 'wrong', or worrying...

Bless him. he sounds like a lovely little boy - and you can SEE the spirit in his eyes in his pic.

I am sure H's interference of the DS's childhood isn't consciously thought out, but he sounds as if he is driven by rage.

Must go to bed, too. LOADS of work tomorrow....and The Return Of The Mother In Law...da da daaaaa!

Night night...don't worry too much - you Stuck up For Him!

XXXXX

You have the MIL back already Blu?!!!
How long for this time?
I am not sure of the exacact root of ds1's interaction & concentration problems, but HV & SENCO are putting it down to symptoms of emotional abuse.
He is unusually anxious for a child his age & worries that other children will shout at him etc, even if they are the most placid child in the school!
He fings simple things like saying hello & goodbye, really hard, as he is really self consious.
He does have a couple of close friends at the school, one if which he is particulary keen on.
However, if this friend plays with a larger group of children, ds will go off on his own, rather than join in.
When I take him to friends houses, he normally plays happily, if he is familiar with the children.
Apparantly his concentration is poor at school as well.
I worry about him all the time & this intense worry, combined with H's unbearable behaviour, was what caused me to feel like I was nearing a breakdown a few months back.
I have questioned all kinds of conditions like AS & dyspraxia, but he doesn't really fit in neatly to either of these.
He has an excellent imagination, is always playing imaginative games, is not regimental, is VERY empathetic to others feelings, has no trouble with balancing his way across an adventure playground and is very bright & articulate (although very lazy!)
He just doesn't seem to fit in any catagories except an emotionally abused child.

SM - My DS's would love to come on Saturday, thanks Is there anything that your DS1 is especially into - present -wise???

Glad they can make it Tess!
My ds is into planes, helicopters & Thunderbirds ATM!
He also likes playing with lego, although he doesn't have much at home!
My sister's bought him the playmobil plane & I think it's going to be huge!

Does he like Playmobile generally???
Just been to my grans b/day party. You know who showed up for all of ten minutes with the small Ginger one. Didnt comment ONCE on DS3 (even though he was there for all to see) Didnt say one word about anything to do with him except to say she likes my change bag!!! Bearing in mind i havnt seen her since bfore i was even pregnant.
I think she would secretly like more kids and that is why she reacts so badly to anyone elses new addition