Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

I still haven't recieved your mail, for some reason, loobie.
Is your mail address still the same as it was back in December?
If so, I can look it up & try & contact you.

Loobie, I have looked up the mail address that you had in December & added it to my contacts on msn, as for some reason I didn't recieve your e-mail.
Let me know if your mail address has changed since then.

Hi stressedmummy. Good luck for your counselling session today!

Thanks dinosaur.
It was freedom training day today & the session was on the effects on the children.
I felt the session focused more on the effects of physical abusive relationships, but there were some bits on the importance of letting children play & leave toys out etc.
Both my HV & myself agreed that not enough of the phsyciological (sp?)stuff was covered, though.
However, there was a women there today, who helps with legal rights, advising on the best solicitors etc.
She works in the area & has sent a some paper work about it to the surgery that I attend.
My HV will recieve this & pass on the details to me, including contact numbers.
My HV is keen for me to give this women a ring & I feel it would really benefit me to actually know my rights & realise that I may not have to go to my cave to get out!

That was supposed to say: sent out some paper work!

Loobie, if your around, I will not be on-line until much later tonight, as I am off to the theatre with a friend.

May be on msn later this evening, if I am not too late, though!

stressedmummy that sounds as if it could be absolutely invaluable!

Hi stressedmummy - how's things?

She is off out tonight of a night on the proverbial piss!! i spoke with her for a while today things relatively ok nothing more major,ill let her fill you in but just thought id let you know she was off out so wouldnt be around tonight i wouldnt htink.

Thanks loobie !

Proverbial piss indeed!!!!
My head feels ok this morning, so I must have been good!
Glad I don't feel hung over, as I have Thunderbirds rockets taking off all around me!!!
He is being ok with me ATM, but I don't think he has the energy to be nasty, as he has a man cold!
He has worked nights right up until yesterday, so I haven't seen that much of him over the past week & tomorrow is my birthday, so he better be nice to me over the next couple of days!

'Ey up, it's me!
And it looks as if I'm half an hour too late to wish you a happy birthday! Happy Birthday SM - hope your hangover cleared up fast enough for you to enjoy it!
LOL at the thunderbirds taking off all round you.

Can't stop long - tired, and DS is having nosebleeds - it always happens after he goes on plane. But we had a brilliant holiday.

Sounds as if you've been doing really ell - but it's aggravating that you have to be in struggle with your Mum, too, isn't it?

As for the 'sell the house' tantrum, it sounds like half genuine worry, half blackmail ('make me happy or we'll lose this fabulous taste and impracticality') and half calling your bluff, trying to get you to say yes you love him with all your heart OR confirm his tragic victim status by saying 'you're right I don't love you'. If that doesn't add up, subtract the genuine worry! It's martyrdom, anyway, which is a v manipulative tactic.

And Tribot is right - his version of you being happy and therefore making him happy is that you (and DS)are too afraid to speak!

Hello BB!

YOU need a hol, SM - a hol from this damn man. I remember a programme on TV ages ago about guilty secrets - a woman said she was so afraid of her H's temper that for years she had been getting an AD prescription from her GP ostensibly for herself, but giving it to her H every day in his tea - it had transformed her life! Just an idea.....

Hope you're ok.

XXXXXXXX

Great to see you back Blu!
Glad you had a good holiday & hope you feel all refreshed now!
I went out with a friend last night to celebrate my birthday, but didn't go overboard with drinks, as I have a full day at work today!
You are probably right about his selling the house threats & he has not mentioned anything since.
The thing is, he would rather blame the house for making me miserable, rather than facing up to the fact that it is him that makes the house feel so hard to live in.
Things have calmed down again now, but that is probably due to the fact I haven't seen much of him, with all his 12 hr shifts.
I mentioned to him that I would never get cross if he spilt something over the carpet, or furniture & his answer to that was "Well, you didn't pay for as much of it as me!"
He bought me an expensive birthday present, but he always does. He has said to me in the past, that they are because I put up with him!
Anyway, onwards & upwards!
Must get ds's moving ready for school now!
Glad to see you back Blu, you have been missed!

Yes, I think you have put your finger on his blaming the house, rather than himself.

Must lurch into work myself - have a good day.

Happy Birthday SM - hope you have a good day. Sounds like you are doing well at the moment.

Thanks Bugsy.
Straight back into work, Blu?! That must have been a shock to the system!!!

Last night he was talking about moving again, but says he will put the house on the market in January.
I told him I didn't understand why he thought that this was going to solve things & it seemed silly to sell the house so soon after buying it.
He said again, that it is a miserable house & he doesn't look forward to coming home to it!
Other than than the house moan, things have been calmer over the last week or so, but I haven't seen that much of him, due to his very long shifts.

SM, moving house is a big JOINT decision that you both should discuss and consider before making any decisions. It sound like he's deciding and informing you after he's decided. Very unbalanced and controlling.

It does sound like he's blaming the house rather than trying to see the bigger problem. Just a thought: is this perhaps his way of trying to open up a conversation about why the house has a bad aura for him? Is he usually able to talk to you directly about these "emotional" things or do you iniatiate these conversations?

I think you are doing so well, you sound so much more positive now, I think any decision you make will be more reflective of what you actually want rather than what the stress of the situation was making you think (bit confusing that, do you know what I mean?)

Hmmmm.
This house selling is tricky.
I think you will probably need to start gearing up to be very clear about how you feel and what you want.
If he persists with this, it is going to set the agenda for a timetable for you to say 'if we're selling the house we will / won't be buying a new one together!'
Obviously the problem isn't the house so if you were thinking of trying to salvage the marriage, pouring money into a new house purchase would be pointless! All that stamp duty to the government!!

He sets a lot of emotional store by material posessions, doesn't he? His insistance on choosing the furnishings and towels, his manic insistance that you keep it all pristine, his focussing now on the house as source of emotions...

But I think he may ALSO, perhaps unconsciously, be trying to force the conversation about what you want in terms of the long-term and your marriage.

In the meantime, I can only think that calmly saying 'I don't think the house itself is the cause of your unhappiness, I think it is the way we live in it, or it is the way you look to the house to create happiness' is the only way to go.

Did you sort out starting a thread on lone parents? I had difficulty starting a chat thread a couple of weeks ago - it wouldn't go past the preview stage, so it may have been a temporary glitch.

BB and stressedmummy say hi!
Round BB's ATM!
Will post more 2morro!

Right, have now had time to read your posts!
Yes, Blu, you are probably right in what you say.
It is emotional blackmail & he wants to see how far he can push me.
At the end of the day, he has spent a fortune on this house (as he keeps telling me) & I can't see him throwing it all away!
When the time comes for a proper move, I want to be in a position to move on myself, IYKWIM?!
Nothing more has been said yet tonight.
No, Blu, I gave up on the lone parents thread, as it seemed to be having none of it!
It may have been a temporary thing & will try again!

Did you have a freedon training meeting today? I have lost track...

I couldn't go to freedom training yesterday, because I had to cover the class on my own yesterday pm, while the teacher I work with, went to the dentist.
I left a message for my HV on her answer phone, on Monday, to let her know.
Will try & phone her again this afternoon, as she was going to find out the details of that woman who was there last week .(The one who helps with legal matters)
I feel that talking through the legal side of things should be my next move, so I know where I stand.
Much as things are calmer ATM, I know it is only a matter of time before the next outburst & I feel very weak & powerless when it happens, as I feel I have no escape route.

It isn't v convenient for working women, is it? But then I guess evenings and w/e would make it impossible for women to attend without partners knowing.

Your HV is v reliable so I am sure she will get the legal contact - or yu can get it next time you go.

Obviously independence CAN be achieved because so many women have had to do it - but I think I too would feel very uncertain until I was clear about HOW.

And H still isn't adressing the real basis of all this unhappiness - waiting for an AM referral, yes, but if he was serious, he could have spent the money on the private, independent AM courses available instead of splashing out on new towels. He needs to realise that matching towels will never make him happy, but changing his life might. So I think you have no choice but to make changes without him. When you are ready.

Anyway, long may the calm persist so that you can continue with your own journey without his destructive interruption.

You're still doing v well.