Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

Have had talk.
He is obviously very insecure about things.
Will post more tomorrow.

Ok...hold tight.
Well done for having a talk.
xx

Just caught up with this sm. Agree with everything Blu said (as usual).

Hope you are OK.

Right, shall try & remember as much as I can of this talk last night!
Basically I asked him to explain more about what he had come out with yesterday morning.
He went on about how I always seem to be miserable these days etc & how he hoped I wasn't just here for the children.
I went over AGAIN, that it is not only the children that keep me here & that it would be them that would force me to leave.
I told him that I am miserable because I am always getting myself into trouble with him in one way or another & am fed up of being treated like a child that needs punishing.
He told me that it was the only way he could get me to listen to him & that I sometimes acted like a child, as some of my accidents could have been avoided.
I told him that I hardly set up to spill things & always scrub them up immediatly, but I am scared of him & his reactions.
As usual, I got the "We will agree to disagree" reaction to being confronted & I started to question how much I was to blame again.
I told him that his reaction to the bits of grass & cushions on the floor, was way over the top.
To this he said, he was cross & his doctor told him to get away when he felt angry, so he took himself to his room & refused to take me to work.
I told him that I wasn't going to keep trying to justify myself, as I have already tried this & get nowhere, but his reactions were over the top.
He asked when was the last time he got into a really bad temper & told me that I wasn't to include moods (which he counts this w/e as)
I reeled off a few, including him swearing at me when I dared to turn my back to put a glass down.
He said "Well your Mum makes me react like that & I don't want you turning into her"
I asked him how he would feel if I spoke to him like that & that actually made him think.
H classes the last time he got into a scary temper, as the time with the coupe car, way back when I started my first thread in May!!!!!
I reeled off a few incidents that I class quite severe, including his extreme reaction to me dancing with his friend & throwing glasses in the bin after me spilling ravioli.
He said that if I was that unhappy with him, he would be off like the wind! (He didn't mean suicide BTW!)
Somehow, I don't believe it would ever be that easy!
I told him that there have been times when I want out ASAP, especially when he is being horrible.
I also told him that I know I will continue to spill things, or do other things to annoy him & it is impossible for me to live in these conditions.
Anyway, lots more was said (don't have time to post more!) & I eventually even got an apology!!!!!
I know things will not change for long, after all I have been here before haven't I?!
I feel the talk had to happen though & these issues needed to be covered.

The firstthing that strikes me reading through your post is how each time you cam eup with a reason for being upset or tried to explain things he turned every single thing round to somehow being someone elses fault and not his so yes good that you have managed to have a talk but not so good in that it doesnt sound like he is accepting of any of his behaviour and in that hes not likely to change..........but then you knew that anyway so well done for not being sucked in by him and thinking the old ways that oh good all is sorted.Keep strong babes keep strong.

Dont take this the wrong way SM - but what is stopping you saying to him "yes i AM that unhappy with you - so prehaps you should go" ????

SM, please go & order this book from Amazon: "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.
I am still finding my ex-H very difficult to deal with & this book has been like the shutters lifted off my eyes.
Please buy it.

SM - well done, you were so strong and clear in what you had to say.

I do agree that he makes excuses...it's your Mum's fault, it's your fault ('you drive me to it' is a classic abuse tactic, isn't it?), it's his mood's fault (ahem!)...and yes, It's good to hear that he is taking the Doctors advice about 'walk away' - but i feel certain that the doctor didn't mean 'walk away and then impose some childish vengeful punishment like not giving her a lift'!

It is NOT your fault, SM, none of it. Don't let him worm that idea into your strong self - you are doing very well at keeping a perspective on that. Well done for standing your ground.

It's a stage - it may make life more bearable, containable, while you do your thinking.

How do you feel this morning?

Bugsy's book sounds v good.

It is an incredibly insightful book, I wish I had read it 15 years ago. I almost think it should be issued to all teenage girls!

Stressedmummy it sounds as if you did very well.

Thankyou for your supportive messages.
I have just got back from work & things have been whirling around in my head.
I will post properly later, as I have a friend paying me a visit in a minute.
Your book sounds very interesting bugsy.
One thing that did strike me about our talk last night, was how I managed to get through the whole thing without breaking down once!
I am sure that is a first!

Wow - of course, that is a brilliant 'first' SM. You're right!

Hi stressedmummy. I have read all of this thread & all of the last one, and thought about you lots, so I thought I should add myself here. Luckily I have never been in an emotionally abusive relationship (though I would like to say that your threads have helped me recognise things about myself/my boyf that I might not have noticed before!) but several years ago I got quite involved with a boss of mine who sounds exactly like your H in terms of how he manipulated me, spoke to me, made me scared of him, including the lines "You don't love me any more do you" and even talk of suicide (which, i know, your H hasn't done). He isolated me from all the people we worked with who might have helped me see what was happening, and it wasn't until HIS boss changed and became someone who had been a friend of his that I realised what was going on and had the courage to talk to people and eventually blow the whistle on him, - and he was sacked. I think I was about where you are now when it clicked that I had to do something, and it was about 5 months later he was sacked. It was very, very scary and I cannot imagine how much scarier it would be if he had been a husband that I was leaving after 10 years marriage.

I totally echo IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, but i will add that it wasn't till a while afterwards that I was able to recognise aspects about myself that had led to me being in that situation. In my case, I was on a high about someone who was so charismatic, funny, etc seeming to like ME and respond to ME, as well as turning to a sort of father figure which I didn't feel i had properly growing up. Afterwards, I could see through people (particularly men) and never, ever will anyone be able to get their claws into me the way that man did - but I had to recognise why he managed it. What someone (was it a counsellor?) was saying about your father makes a lot of sense to me - if you have grown up thinking that it's ok for the man to control like that (and your mum saying the jeans should have been ready speaks volumes, i couldn't believe that!!!! My mum would have exploded if i'd told her about that, she is the opposite, I think i am having to change my inbuilt view that men are all stupid, disorganised etc and that I should be the one taking control!) sorry long brackets...if you have grown up thinking it's ok for the man to control like that, it's no wonder you kept brushing your H's behaviour under the carpet. No you didn't consciously set out to find a husband like that, but I'm sure lots of things contributed unconsciously to it. I'm sure your counsellor is helping you to become aware of those unconscious things. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway all the best, i really believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and you are well on your way there. xx

I do feel I was stronger with him last night & wasn't too afraid to say what I had to say.
I did mention how impossible it felt to live in the house, for both myself & the boys.
He then told me something which has been playing on my mind all day & made me feel quite sick.
As I have said before, ds's are not allowed to bring many (if any) toys into the lounge, for fear of them scratching the sofa.
The other day ds had been told to go & play in his play room, as usual & when H went in there, he was just lying on the floor doing nothing.
H asked why he was just lying there & ds1 said "Is my play room like a prison Daddy?"
That is one of the most disturbing things I have heard & shows the damage that all this is having on him.
I told H that this was terrible & very, very wrong.
I think it even made H think a bit.
In answer to your Q Tess, I am not geared up enough, or emotionally ready for that yet.
He does have an amazing ability to make me believe I am to blame & last night was no exception, but I didn't cave in & continued to put my point across, so that is a little improvement!
Freedom training tomorrow!

Thanks lizita.

Well, here's to freedom, stressedmummy! Good luck with it tomorrow, will be very interested to hear about it.

I think that it's great that you were able to get through this very difficult conversation with your H without breaking down.

I thought Lizita had some good insights in her post.

Yes lizita did have some interesting insights in her post, dinosaur!
I will read it again properly in a bit, when ds1 stops asking constant questions regarding which drinks are good for you etc, etc, while I am trying to have 5 minutes!!!!

stressedmummy, yes i was the same at that point re starting to tell my boss some home truths, and i could see my boss visibly getting worried, I think he saw that he was losing his hold over me.
Also totally remember things turning around to being my fault. Also, if I ever got angry or hurt, the whole thing would be turned around to being my anger or the way I expressed being the issue and wrong or something, so the reason i was angry got buried somewhere....still sometimes happens to me today with my boyf! ;) I just remember feeling like it was all in my imagination and that I was blowing things out of proportion, and when i finally blew the whistle my boss's boss was like "do you realise how serious this is!!"

Oh SM, how sad about what DS said. I'm glad he said it to H. I just think it's far too isolating for a little just-6 year-old to have to go and play alone, instead of being amongst the family activity.
Tell H that the children MUST be allowed to play properly in the house? And that will entail a little wear and tear, but that's what happy family homes are like? What would he say?

Lizita, I think what you say about not recognising things until you are out of it is a v important point.

You did do really well last night.
Here's to freedom, indeed.

Yes I can't believe what your DS said about his own playroom. I don't mind the idea of 1 room in the house (eg parents' bedroom) being a no-go area but for a child to feel like he's been banished to a room (his own playroom nonetheless!) is awful.

Like you, he obviously doesn't feel like his home is really his home either.

SM - i hope you dont think me insensitive with my last comment - and i know that this is hard for you - i just hate for you to be in this situation and always feeling so unhappy.
I suppose in my mind the only way for you and the boys to move forward is to be out of the situation you are in. I know though that this will bring its own problems and hardships.
I just wish your H would change his behaviour - you are certainly giving him a lot to think about

Don't know what he would say to that Blu, but I may now be brave enough to ask him!
Very interesting to read your posts lizita, as I relate to a lot of those feelings you had.
At first, last night, I really started to believe that maybe it was my fault (although I didn't admit it to H), especially when he said something about my parents talking to me in the same kind of way, because it was the only way people could get through to me!
I started thinking that I must be one of those frustrating people, who drive others to despair & maybe I shouldn't be wasting the peoples time, who are supporting me, because maybe I have it all wrong.
I stood my ground though & told him that I thought I had left behind the tellings off & control when I left home & didn't give a thought to the fact I would ever get that treatment from my H.
I know that he ended up taking in a lot of what I was saying to him by the end of the night & I almost started to feel sorry for him.
It was only by seeing all your messages today, that I am starting to see that however messy, stupid, frustrating, thoughtless etc that I may be, his behaviour is still unacceptable & I still must continue to get the support.
Very interesting to see so many of the same characturistics in my H, as in your old boss, lizita.
I think tomorrows freedom course may be very interesting.
Tess, don't worry, you were not out of line in saying what you did at all. I am just not ready for that quite yet & don't know enough relevent info to go down that road just now.

Have to add though, H telling me about ds1's comment about the play room, brought things back to reality with quite a bump.