Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

Thanks Blu.
I am getting to the point were I don't think he can make the changes, because in his head I am more often than not the one in wrong.
I can't see him giving me any money for the presents either TBH.
He is still down for AM, but we haven't heard anything about it yet & I am not that optamistic that it will do that much good.
I feel like I have given him enough years to change & lots of chances, hoping each time that things will get better, but they never do for long.
I am starting to stand up to him more now & maybe that's why we are having so many outbursts ATM. On the other hand, it may be that I am noticing a lot more, which I would have once just brushed under the carpet.
Anyway, I will be interested to see what is said on Thursday & feel it will be a real eye opener for me.
My HV said that she thought I would bottle out of the freedom training last week & she was really pleased that I didn't!
Must go now, kids are being very demanding while I am trying to type!
Will CAT you my new e-mail address.

Well, I agree with you.

And if you aren't going to be able to 're-train' him to be a decent partner worth staying with, there's no ppoint in having battles that just give you extra strife. So, personally, I wouldn't pull a stunt with the launderette, but next time he goes into one about his damn jeans just reasonably explain that it was raining and he doesn't lik clothes drying in the house. And maybe, since it is upsetting him a lot recently, he might prefer to do things himself when they aer important to him. But don't let it get to you. Just be a duck's back and imagine his nonsense flowing right off you.

You did do well to go through with the freedom training course, and I think you'll gain lots of confidence from it as it progresses. i hope so, anyway.

xxxx

Judging by everything you've posted, stressedmummy, I do so agree with other posters that it is NOT YOU, it's him! And whilst, yes, it may be annoying not to be able to wear the pair of jeans that you wanted to, or to find a red wine stain on the carpet, or whatever, the point is that he is using these events - which are just accidents, just things that happen in all households - as a way to exert his control over you, by making his reaction to them so extreme and over the top that he has you completely cowed and beaten into submission. What I am trying to say is that it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do - a man who can go off on one because he finds a blade of grass on the stairs is always going to find any excuse to exert his controlling, domineering personality over you. And you have two choices. Either you somehow find the inner strength to stand up to him and defy him and protect your DSs from him - which is a path fraught with risk, imo, because I do fear that if he finds that he can no longer control you with emotional abuse, one day he will descend to physical abuse. Or, as Blu says, you can conserve your energies to working towards getting out, one day.

I don't, really, see how you can contemplate a long-term future with your H. As I have said before, I do actually feel very sorry for him. My DH has a lot of inner demons of his own, and sometimes has not been an easy person to live with. He is also a bit of a control freak, so I do have some experience of what I am talking about. (Sorry, I don't usually post about my relationship on mumsnet, but I'm makign an exception here because I think it's relevant.) So I do have some sympathy with your H. But that is outweighed by my grave concerns about your own wellbeing and that of your DSs, especially your DS1.

Sorry, bit of a long post. Wish I could do more to support you.

Sorry, stressedmummy - I should have said that he used to have you cowed and beaten into submission - you are definitely not that anymore!

SM - Dino has said some things there that I have been afraid to say - but I think she is very right to voice them. I too worry that if you stand up to him that physical violence will be his next step - or that the feeling of being out of control will make him lose control.

My fears are grave too.

I think your mental, emotional and physical safety is at risk, and DS1 too.

But I think with practical advice from professionals and moral support from MN you can move on and lead a free and happy life.

Honestly I do.

Hope I haven't overstepped the mark. You have been on my mind a lot recently, stressedmummy. I am hoping to start as a volunteer for Refuge soon so issues of domestic violence etc are rather on my mind atm. I do hope you're not offended.

I had never thought of it like that before Dino and Blu - i have always thought that SM's H would never resort to violence - but the more i think about it - it is a worrying "next step".
Judging by the way he has been acting recently with his more and more controlling behaviour - i am worried you may be right.
I dont think you have overstepped the mark Dinosaur - i think that this is a sensible piece of advice for SM to seriously think about

Just posted a long thread & just as I was about to finish it, I thought I heard H coming down the stairs, paniced & deleted it!
Right, shall try again!
I don't think you over stepped the mark atall Dino & I am certainly not offended!
Just having the support & great advice I get from you lot, helps me loads.
I know that if it wasn't for you lot, I wouldn't have moved on as far as I have now & would still be in denial of it all.
I haven't thought about him being physically violent as a result of me getting stronger, but I am very scared of pushing him too far.
I guess I am scared of what he could be capable of doing, even though I have never been physically hurt by him.
It was interesting at this group last week, that the women who had been beaten, said the emotional abuse they suffered was the more damaging than the physical!
It's great that you are going to volunteer to help in refuge dino. I am sure you will be a great support to them.
I do feel that thanks to you lot, I have moved on quite a bit in the last couple of months, but know I am not quite there yet.
I am hoping there soon will be an end to all this though, one way or another.
I have CAT you my new mail address Blu, as I couldn't remember the last bit of your e-mail.
I have since found it!

Stay strong SM

I'm so glad I haven't offended you.

If I do the Refuge thing, it would be as a volunteer on their telephone helpline, for four hours twice a month. I know that doesn't sound like much but I still have to find out what the practicalities would be, in particular how far I would have to travel as I don't have a car. But I'd really like to do it. I'm going to a presentation about it next Monday and if I decide to do it, I then have to go on a training course.

I'll be very interested to hear about what they say at your freedom training course this week sm.

Right, must go, have a pile of work to do. Stay strong, stressedmummy.

xx

Wow, Dino, that sounds brilliant. Sounds a lot of time to fit in, to me, too, with your job and kids!

SM - I think you have all this very well in perspective. Of course you - and TessieB - know your H, and what he's like.
And whatever may or may not happen, I thimk you are right about the serious harm and damage about emotional abuse.

You're doing so well SM. Stay strong, and you will get there - wherever that is, somewhere better, anyway. We know you will.

Yes - thanks got your CAT..will e you, I was going to send you a pic of DS but as i am innundated at work (and home!) atm I haven't had a minute to work out the picture thingy on my pc. i'm hopelss with computers.

sm, glad to hear that you are getting closer to what you want out of life. I couldn't imagine what is like being in a relationship where I was scared of dh and I would like to think that if I ever got the that stage I would leave BUT I know how hard it is to think about upheaval esp with a littleone. You are doing well though and you are getting stronger. It won't be long now till you can look back on this episode in your life and smile..smile because you are finally happy & proud of yourself.
Hope the group session is going well.

Thanks for your messages, dino, Blu, Tess & shhhh.
Your very good to give up your free time for this refuge thing dino, as I expect you are run of your feet as it is, working & looking after 3 young children!
Would love to see a picture of your ds Blu!
Glad to hear that it is not just me that doesn't get along with computers though!
This morning, before H left for work, he suddenly said to me "You don't love me anymore, do you?"
I didn't know how to answer him, as I am not sure what I feel ATM.
He then quickly followed, by saying "Don't worry, you won't have to put up with me for much longer."???????????????
Don't know quite what to make of that one!

very strange SM, perhaps you could ask him when he gets home.....seems like a weird thing for him to come out with, maybe hes realising what hes putting you and the children through?

Hi SM, sorry I have not been online for a bit. Is your husband married to me by any chance?? That is the exact phrasing my husband has used. It's just because he is insecure because he realises his control methods are starting not to work as you are getting stronger. Which is a good thing! Don't let him get to you and don't get paranoid about it. Try to remain as aloof as possible. The more you stand up to him the more insecure he will get and don't pander to that insecurity because that's his problem. He just said that last phrase not because he is planning something (believe me, I don't think he is at all), but he wants to make you think that so you will get confused and paranoid and start obeying his every wish again. Which is what he wants. I am so for you. My husband used the exact same tactics.

Is he going to leave SM?????
Now i dont mean this the wrong way but you dont think he is going to do what his dad did do you (either of the two things his dad did)?????
What did you say to him after he had said that ???
Has he said anything since???
Sorry for all the questions, but what a weird thing to say ..... TessX

Interesting, Fedup!
Don't worry, I am not pandering to anything & don't believe he will leave that easily TBH.
I think he is testing for reactions, maybe?
Didn't even consider him doing what his Dad did Tess! I would have hoped he wouldn't do that to his children, after how much it destroyed him as a child.
I am not talking about it with him ATM. Will wait until kids are in bed.

& no, he hasn't mentioned anything since returning home.
It definitely needs to be discussed later though.

Blu, I need your words of wisdom!

Oh my, have just spotted this and do have some ideas...but can't concentrate as DS is in middle of betime fuss...will be back presently...

I think Fedups take on this is spot on.

I must admit that once while I was thinking about your whole situation, it crossed my mind that he would pull an 'I'm going to kill myself' stunt. Partly because, I think, he has done that before, hasn't he? Didn't he tell your sister or something? And it is possible that that is a route he might threaten you with as an alternative to becoming violent, iyswim.

I too hope very much that he would have enough perspective and connection with the his kids to realise that he must never do anything so horrible. But I think he might be capable of frightening you with the possibility.

If he does, it's a tactic.

Maybe you should ask him directly what he meant? being absolutely calm and direct and factual is a good way to do away with vague veiled threats designed to freak you out and keep you guessing. If he won't tell you, you can't know - you're not clairvoyant (presumably!) so if he won't tell you things directly, you can't possibly be expected to respond to them! So don't!

If he asks you if you love him, maybe you could say 'I don't know what I feel at the moment - but it is true that I am not happy. I don't like the way you try to control me, I don't like the way I don't feel like an equal in my own home, and I don't like the way you make impossible rules for the boys'.
If he says 'I'll do something drastic and you'll be sorry when I'm gone' jjust ask how that is likely to make you happier in your marriage NOW or in the future, unless something changes?

I don't know, SM - I suppose he might well threaten to harm himself. I think this is something you should discuss with your counsellor, given his Dad's death. My instinct is that by simply refusing to be swayed by it in a calm strong manner, you would deter him from thinking it would be effective, but this seems a matter for a professional opinion.

For the moment, I am sure he is being a drama queen, and this is his response to you being more staunch. Which you should continue to be!

When someone changes something (as you have done by standing up to him) they will always make a counter-move to try and regain their old ground. This is what he is trying to do. I expect your DS2 is at the same developmental stage, isn't he?!

How exhausting!

Good luck if you talk to him about it.

Thinking about you. xx

Thanks Blu, I knew you would have great advice, as always!
I am going up to have words in a minute.
Wish I had some alcahol inside me!

& no I am most definitely not a clairvoyant!!!

Hiya stressedmummy.

Saw your post about DH's strange remark just before I left work and have been brooding on it all evening. Likewise it did occur to me that it might be a veiled threat to do what his own father did . But I agree with Blu's suggested approach. Have to say, I do feel at this stage that whatever he says will be a tactic to manipulate you. Horrid thing to say, I know, but...

Hope it's going ok, SM...I have to go to bed (bad attack of post -MIL exhaustion) but will catch up tomorrow...