Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

No he hasn't bought him a present with his money.
I went out, saw things he would like & bought them myself with my money, although I will tell him they are from Mummy & Daddy.
This has been the case most years that I can remember.

Have you ever once brought this up to him? I can't believe that he does not want to be a part of his son turning one year older. Again, I fell so angry for you. `you must start pointing these things out and to hell with the consequences. He is an absolute p*k. It'sd quite one thing to be nasty to you, but to dtreat your son with disdain is positively wicked.

I have brought it up with him & he has said that a party with loads of kids running around is his idea of Hell.
Ds seems happy enough & has never known any different, but I always feel envious when I take him to friends parties & see their Dad's playing an active part in it all.
Once (I think it was ds's 3rd party), he had a 2 hour bath while the party was going on.
Ds has had a lovely day & has taken ages to get to sleep tonight.
I have just been up to check him & he is now fast asleep clutching his new Thunderbirds rocket.
It made me cry!

I have always made sure ds has nice presents & a party, which I organise myself, so ds is happy.

Happy birthday to your ds1, sm.

It's appalling that h has not been to a single birthday party and shows a complete lack of interest. However, you, ds and everyone invited probably had a much better, more relaxed time with him not being there.

Thanks CQ.
Yes we did have a more relaxed time without him & ds enjoyed his party.
I don't think he is too upset that Daddy wasn't there, because he never normally is.
I just felt a bit down tonight & this was just another thing that seemed not right in our lives.

I'm in trouble again!
He has gone out with my Dad & although his jeans were washed, they had been on the line & got rained on, so were still a bit damp.
I tried to dry them as best I could with my hairdryer, but didn't have time to get them perfect.
He is in a foul mood & has been snappy with the children.
He has told me that he will take his things to the laundrette from now on (doubt he will!)
I told him that if something is that important, then he could always make sure it was washed & ready himself.
He told me that any good wife would have spent last night making sure things were ready.
This is from someone who was here at home, all the while I was running around organising ds's party at my Mum's house yesterday afternoon.
I have been very upset this morning, because I will never be a good enough wife for him & I can't stand the pressure of living with him any longer.

hi sm, !!! Well what I would do is to make him keep to his suggestion/plans of using a laundrette. This week and from now on DON'T wash a thing of his! When he goes to get some clean clothes and there is nothing then remind him that he was going to use the laundrette in future..mmm..maybe help him a little (as that may a bit unfair expecting him to wash his own clothes), yeah pack his dirty clothes into black bags !.
I do all of our washing but I hate ironing so most of the time dh does that for both of us. DH wouldn't dare complain to me if his jeans etc aren't washed when he needs them! He knows he would get told to wash them himself if they are that important! Tut !

really feel for you sm, i cant get my head around how you manage to keep your cool i couldnt stand living with him even for a day, you're so brave, please tell me you are trying to find a way out i cant stand to think of you living like this for much longer its not fair on you or your children, you're practically a single mum anyway but at least you wouldnt have anyone else (hitler) to answer to, please find the strength to leave as soon as you can, thinking of you hun

ohh and just one more thing about the launderette thing get him his own washing basket with a bin liner in it so he can just take the bin bag out to take to the launderette (also so he gets the point that from now on he can sort his own washing out!)

make sure he knows if you find anything of his in your washing basket you will put it in his washing basket for him to take himself! (what a cheeky b*d) be strong sm!

"Any good wife" - Jesus, is the man living in 1950? 1850?

SM, I don't think you will ever be "good" enough for him, but you are 100 million times better than he deserves. Please don't feel that just because you will never be able to live up to his expectations that reflects badly on you. No woman alive could be 'good' enough for him - and more to the point, no woman alive would want to be!

I hope you'll be able to stick to your (his) guns and make him take his stuff to the laundrette this week. That would be hilarious. As the others have said, just set his clothes aside when you're doing the wash, and see how long it takes him to notice.

Btw, my dh is going to be a SAHD when I go back to work. I am taking notes from your H on how I should be treating him in future - NOT.

UUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! SM - that man is getting to the absolute limit that ANYONE should have to tolerate
Wish i had a magic wand that could get you out of this horrible situation

As Tribpot says SM - take him at his word and set aside his clothes for the Laundarrette - he expects you to take him at his word afterall

I had done a load of washimg today, some of which was his, to try & keep myself from getting another hard time when he gets back. But you are all right, I should seperate his things & let him take them to the laundrette, seen as thats what he suggested!
When he left this morning I was in tears, as I can't cope with much more.
My Mum phoned & I told her that he was not happy again & why.
She told me that I should have had his jeans ready for him, to which I told her they were washed, but not dry.
I told her that if they were that important to him, he had plenty of time while I was out of the house yesterday organising ds's party & he was in the house on his own.
She said something about him doing housework & I told her that he does do housework, but in an obsessive way, which is impossible for the boy's & myself to live comfortably in.
She then came to the conclusion that we are having a lot of problems in our marraige just recently.
They may be becoming more frequent ATM, but this is by no means a sudden recent problem.
Maybe it is because I am not keeping things to myself quite so much now, that she is starting to panic.
Glad to see you have pc access again Tess!

BTW, I don't have a tumble dryer ATM & he doesn't like clothes hanging around the house.

i would have expected more support from your mum sm tbh, i dont think you should have got his jeans ready as you have said you were busy sorting out ds's party - which H never even bothered to attend i think he is selfish and you deserve better i hope you feel a bit better later on, btw does he ever apologise for the way he treats you? is he ever nice to you? does he ever do things for you so that you can relax - like take the kids out or wash up or cook you a meal?

He does cook a lot of meals, I have to give him that.
He is very into cooking & watches cookery programmes, so he is good in that way.
He very rarely apologises, because he is NEVER the one in the wrong, it is always my fault.
He cleans the house, but in an obsessive way.
He likes the house to look like a show home & is forever gleaming up the work tops in the kitchen.
The children are not allowed to play with their cars etc on the marble breakfast bar, incase they scratch it.
They also cannot play with toy cars & planes on his leather sofas, for the same reasons.
I just feel like we can't breath in this house.
My HV described my house as a big, beautiful prison!

Oh & yes, he is sometimes nice to me!
If he was never nice to me, I would have been out long ago!

do you ever have times when you feel like you really enjoy his company? would you miss him if he wasnt there ever? (sounds like hes out a lot of the time anyway also sounds like you prefer that)

how often do the two of you go out together on your own, like a meal or the cinema or something?
just trying to work out why you're still putting up with it, is it bearable for now until you get sorted or are you waiting for that point whre you can no longer stand it, i used to be like that, used to stay in a relationship until the very bitter end because i wanted to make sure id done all i could, turned out the blokes i did that for just were not worth it at all.

ATM I do prefer it when he is out, or on nights & I can relax.
We do get to go out as a couple occasionally, but not that often.
When he is really horrible, I wish I could get out of the relationship immediatly.
However, just as things are reaching breaking point, he turns into the nice H for a day or two (sometimes it can be up to a week or two) & I start to question weather things were really that bad, as he is like another man!
I guess the calm periods happen when I am not doing things that may wind him up.
ATM it seems like the bad is happening more frequently than the good & even when he is being ok, I know it is only a matter of time before I upset him again.
It was interesting at this freedom training that I went to, that a lot of the women there who were in very violent relationships took a very long time to leave & some of them would still take these men back!
I feel our marraige is very unhealthy ATM & I am not happy, but there is still a little part of me that feels really upset at the thought of him never being here again.
I am welling up right now, because I feel we are pretty much there, as I can't see things ever changing.

I do realise though, that once I get over the painful bit of the seperation, life would get better.

awwwwww sm, dont cry, even if it was the end of your relationship it would be the start of a happier new life, where you and your children could have the freedom to be yourselves without walking on egg shells......

i was in an abusive relationship (mental & physical) and i have been out of it for almost 4 yrs now and my life is so much better and they are right what they say about the mental abuse being worse and taking longer to gte over than the physical abuse.

it took 3 yrs of counselling and a very supportive dp (who im with now) for me to be able to see that all the things he said that were my fault were not my fault and i wasnt the bad person he made me out to be.

i developed an obssesion with cleaning my teeth because my ex told me my breath smelt - i brushed them up to 6 times a day after i had lived with my dp for 2 yrs he asked me why i brushed my teeth so much - i wasnt aware i was being that obsessed with it, in the end i realised that subconciously my ex was still affecting my life - it devastated me and i sat and cried for ages.

Men some of them really are complete bds

you will get stronger and be happier than you can ever imagine i promise x

Sorry to hear you were in a horrible relationship kelly, but pleased you are now out of it & happy.
I believe that I am pretty much always to blame, because he is very good at twisting every situation around to make me believe that.
I have at times been so convinced that I have thought I should not be getting all the outside support that I am, because I am often to blame for a lot of the situations that H kicks off about.
I am gaining more strength from all my support networks, including MN!
I am starting to realise that the things I do are not so bad & H should not be reacting in the way that he does.
I actually took a look at the thread I started in May, when I was feeling really desperate & much as I am still in the relationship, I have moved on a lot from then & are nowhere near as weak!
I do feel I am getting there, but it is a gradual process & it is not getting any easier.

Hiya - sorry, have been off again, working and then away for a family 'do'.

Sounds like you had a really horrible w/e - so sorry - and sad, because you should be able to celebrate children's birthdays not just for the child's sake, but as parents - 'aaaaah, can you remember when he was born' etc. I had noticed that you held the party at your Mums (and can guess why that would be a good idea!) - but horrified that he has neither attended (let alone helped) not bought dS any presents .

I can see why you don't want to rush to live with your mum, either - you should have had his jeans ready, ffs!! And if there is no tumble dryer and he won't have clothes drying in the house, then his jeans will tend to get damp in the rain, won't they! Unless he thinks you have the power to change the weather, I think he had better take his stuff to the launderette!

This isn't about jeans or launderettes is it though? And I don't know how far it is worth causing hassle in order to argue through ONE aspect of his treatment of you. IF you think he can change, and you can save your relationship, it would be worth fighting through these individual situations - and a whole lot more would have to happen besides - like him go to AM, learn to love the children like a proper dad, deal with his obsesive problems, etc etc.
If in the longer term you are aware that you will have to, and want to leave him, I think you are better conserving your energy and focus to that end. Save money where you can (what would he say if you said 'oh, by the way DS's presents cost this - since he thinks they are from both of us, will you be paying me back any of it??' Then you could squirrel away the money he gives you - but not pursue it as a row if he doesn't offer any), continue to seek financial and legal advice, go to your course and gather energy for living alone.

And remember, HE hasn't been your whole world for 10 years - you have had children for the last 6, you have friendships, you have your job and good relationships with colleagues - there is a LOT more in your life than him.

But I know it is a serious change, however horrible he makes life!

Anyway, once again, give yourself a huge pat on the back - against all the odds, you gave DS a lovely birthday, a great party, and obvioulsy a Thunderbirds Rocket has made his little heart glad. WELL DONE! You are a great Mum.