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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:20

He says he would never hit me & he never has, but he gets that kind of angry, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:22

I know what you mean - my husband did the smashing, breaking thing. He has threatened to glass me, thrown water on me, shoved me in the head, bruised my leg, thrown cups all around the place (dents on lino and on sink), thrown kids yoghurt pots all over kitchen, threw a 4 litre bottle of milk against the wall, breaking it and spreading it everywhere, broken a computer keyboard all over his knee, pick up a section of my jewellery box and smashed it against the wall, damaging lots of jewellery including bits of jewellery I had as a child (have now been furtively buying more jewellery for myself!), picked up our wedding photo and smashed it on the ground - the list just goes on and on. It only really stopped when I called the police and I started standing up to him. Has he ever been physically violent in the past with anyone else?

What did you say to your friend after? Did you point out the trouble she had caused by not keeping her mouth shut? I would be furious about that if I were you because it's not something that anyone would just bring into a conversation and surely she realised that it would get back to your h if she told hers.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:26

Poor you, fedup! Thats awful!
I didn't say anything to the friend, because she is in a bad relationship & the next time I saw her I learned that her H had knocked her to the floor hitting her.

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:27

The paradox is that he is so scared that you will leave that he bullies you and puts you down and controls you to effectively control you not to leave. Which of course makes you want to go. Shhh is right - he is just a bully. It would be easier in a way if he was physically violent with you because you would have your excuse to up and leave. Instead the threat is ever looming, making you unsure if he would actually do it or not. Then he forces you to question your feelings on everything and feel guilty for them because every now and then you have a nice loveling husband. Have you seen Coronation Street lately?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:28

No I am always on MN at that time!
Funnily enough, they mentioned it yesterday at the freedom training course.

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:30

OMG, what kind of men are they? I was going to ask you earlier if your h had friends because mine does not, except on a professional level. I would have thought that it would be easier to commiserate with her if she was in the same boat (almost). It might be a good idea if you suggested to her to talk to hewr doctor or HV herself.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:33

Did tell her she needed to seek professional help & even mentioned it to my HV.
She doesn't see a HV now, because her youngest child is 7.
She has forgiven him & says she needs to try & make her marraige work.
She has told him that if he does it again she will leave & take the kids.

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:34

The storyline is quite cheesy, but the idea behind it is far from it. The boyfriend is utterly charming, a ladies man and nice albeit a bit domineering to other people. Behind closed doors there is a personality change Mr Hyde comes back, belittling, questioning and putting her down until she is questioning every single thing she says or does. He cuts her mother out of her life (after sleeing with her!), and engineers a fall-out between her and her best friend. As I said, it is a bit cheesy, but my relate counsellor mentioned a few parallels between my problems and the show.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:36

Do you wonder why on earth your friend is still with him?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:40

I will have to watch it!
Yes I do wonder why on earth she didn't just go that night.
She told me he hit her once before too.

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shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:43

Its easier for me to say but If I was you I would get out while I could..Its only a matter of time sadly.
Corrie is a bit OTT at the mo but it appears that its quite true to life, there are some relationship around like that.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:47

Oh yes, I know there are.
I am going to this freedom training again on Thursday & they are going to be concentrating on the bully.
I think it will be a real eye opener for me.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:49

I feel I should get out, as he often makes me very unhappy & that is no way to live your life.
It is just that I am really scared.

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shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:54

sm, you will be scared but you have to tell yourself that you can do it and believe it. You may not have friends at home who you can trust but you have friends on mn who are here when you need them and who support you 100%. You will look back on this one day & wonder why it took you so long to make the move.
Don@t think of it being scary but an exciting time in your life. You are about the change the route you are taking.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:55

Just remember SM that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and your h is just as bad as his friend. As they say, it's the emotional scars that are the hardest to heal, especially if it makes you question your every move.

Here's an interesting web page for you to read.

here

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 23:00

I have one RL friend who knows & posts on this thread.
I trust her completly though.
I know it will happen & feel I am moving closer every day, with all the extra things I am now doing like, my HV, counselling, freedom training & talking on here!
It was only by starting a post on here back in December that I even realised that what he was doing was abusive!
Up until then, I just thought he was a screwed up bloke with a bad temper.

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shhhh · 09/09/2005 23:05

Mmm interesting read.

sm he is a screwed up bloke and one with a bad temper but you deserve better (so do you fu&wo). Make sure you keep us upto date on what happens. Im off to bed now to get a few hours sleep before dd wakes! Night & I will probably catch up with you tomorrow.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 23:08

I think I am going to have to go to bed soon. Good luck on the weekend SM. I won't be able to post because h will be here - better start deleting!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 23:10

Very interesting! Especially the bit about knowing you are emotionally abused if you fear you may have done or said the wrong thing. That fits me perfectly.
Also, controlling money & calling you names (he has called me things like useless & stupid many times)
It is really scary to see so many of their charactaristics in front of you.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 23:12

Thankyou both!
I am having a quick oveltine, to try & help me sleep & then I am going to bed too.
Night.x

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 10/09/2005 21:08

Just had a party for ds1's 6th birthday & as usual, H was not there.
It has occured to me that he has never showed his face at any of ds's parties & that in itself is quite upsetting.
I know it is trivial, but it is just another way that H is different from the other Dad's.

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fedupandwantout · 10/09/2005 21:27

Hi SM, I am here for an hour or two (don't mind me if I seem slurred had a few glasses of wine!). You poor thing. I have to ask - what do the other parents thing or say about your h not being there? Are they surprised at all? I think that is so out of order. What a selfish man. Your children are so much better off without him. Feel very angry for you. I hope the day went smoothly though. I am very lucky that with all of h's faults (and as I am sure you have gathered they are many!) at least he always spoils his kids rotten. He was the one who wanted kids from the beginning, so I have not had the same problems you have. What an a*hole.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 10/09/2005 21:42

Hi fedup! didn't think you would be around tonight, so thought I would probably be talking to myself!
I know it is just a little something, but I guess I am putting things together now & seeing the whole picture.
He is working again tonight & I keep feeling a bit on the down side still.
Friends didn't say anything this time, but I have had comments in the past.
I bought all the food, party bags etc for the party (we have seperate accounts) & I bought all of his presents with my money.
I did make him go out & buy some batteries for the robot I bought him though!
My H didn't want any children & sometimes I feel like he still isn't cut out for them.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 10/09/2005 21:44

That was meant to say my friends have made comments in the past, not I have!

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fedupandwantout · 10/09/2005 21:59

What a selfish git. If he cares so much about what other people think (ie your friends) perhaps he should get up and get involved in your ds's parties (let alone their everyday life). I'm no psychologist myself, but is it any wonder that your son is feeling withdrawn and acting they way he has when he faces that kind of rejection. Do you mean to say your husband does not even buy him a birthday present?!?! That is one of the mos appalling things I have ever heard. You van do so much better without hi,. I am so pleased you are starting to see everything in a whole new light.