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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:08

Oh I will be - I am a master at it now!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:10

My H calls those kind of men "sad"
He will see fault in other peoples relationships, but not his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:12

Are you & your H kind of living together, but not together, IYKWIM?

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:21

Any sign of weakness in a man he will find fault with - 'you won't find me bawling like that'. He also hates older women because they are bitter and twisted and says he has too many problems himself to have to deal with somone elses. Hence he has always gone out with a string of young women as he finds them 'pure'. Never mind that he has been with literally hundreds of women. The 23 year old girl he had the affair with was a virgin.

He has rented a room where he spends either half or most of the week. It has made it easier to distance myself emotionally from him which is really good. He makes out like I am the one not making any effort, yet he has moved out on his own accord, he had the affair and he has been abusive. I now know that he will never be capable of having any remorse and I am positive that he has a personality disorder and this is the reason that he has no feelings of empathy for others. To him, you either agree with him or you are against him - that's his world. He is a very dynamic person and always has girls (usually very young!) coming onto him. He used to taunt me with it making, making me hysterically upset but I just don't care any more. I feel completely switched off now.

Anyway, this thread is not about me! How are you holding up now?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:29

My H has been intimate with another woman, just before we got married & openly 2 timed me for this awful girl, when I was seeing him for the first time, when I was just 18.
I have forgiven him loads & that is why I was so cross about his reaction to me innocently dancing with his friend (who he is going out with next week, so is obviously not that bitter about it)
I haven't had sex with him for ages, because it is the last thing I want to do right now.
He asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, the other day & I said I didn't know.
He then said he had to start to plan it, as he might get a shag then!
My friend who came round yesterday said I should let him have sex, because it will keep him happy, but why should I keep him happy????

OP posts:
shhhh · 09/09/2005 21:36

Pussywhipped LOL! Mmmmm, I think "those" guys are more of a man than what your guys sound like..
I have been watching this thread on & off for a while now, Im just glad that I have a dh who listens to me & who takes me as I am. I may not be a model or prefect in other ways but I have given birth to his beautiful daughter & to him thats an amazing thing. He seems to have so much respect for me as his wife & the mother of his child & I am so grateful to him for that.
I met him at 17 and married last year at 25. We have lived together for 6 years and have had our share of ups and downs...
Sure he's not 100% perfect & he drives me mad (messy/Too laid back to mention a few ) but who is..? Dh is proud to say that he helps with the housework, he loves spending time with dd, loves to cook for us & even manages shopping trips a few time a year! He doesn't think he is pussywhipped, just a kind caring man.
Well what I'm trying to say to sm & fu&wo & others in the same situation is that I am so grateful I am with someone who appreciates me & someone who I am not scared of. I so feel for you & it worries me that you are in a relationship where you are unhappy..I don't intend to "rub" your face in it but just want to say that I hope things work out the way you want them to and I wish you all the happiness in the world. There are nice blokes out there..I know, I have one. Goodluck & I hope to read on this thread soon that changes are happening .The unknown is scary but whats scarier, moving on with your kids alone knowing you are making yourself etc happy or staying put & dreading the day when you wake up or hating the fact he is on his way home? I can't give you advice but you are strong and are taking the right steps to getting stronger.. {{hugs}}

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:42

Thanks shhh.
Your man sounds lovely & your post has made me cry!

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:43

Have you ever talked to a counseller together about his affair? He sounds like he is completely bereft of any empathy himself - what kind of apology did you get for that? He has loads of double standards.

At the beginning of what I thought was our perfect marriage my h was 3 and then 2 timing me. One I thought had ended when he met me, but found out it carried on for a couple of weeks. The other I did not find out about at all until I was about 20 weeks pregnant with ds. He was with her for the first 6 weeks of our relationship and then we got married 2 weeks later. I was devastated and found out by finding her number, photos etc after the event. I called her up and found out the truth he denied it for years and years. Only since this affair came out has he admitted to it. I also had a hunch about an ex colleague of his and called her up. She said they had a three year on off affair. He denies that and then she recanted her story after a while and then said again that it did happen. So who knows what the story is. Ours has always been more of a physical relationship and I realise now that we actually have hardly anything in common. Have barely had sex at all lately (probably twice this month) because I can no longer bear touching him so I know exactly what you mean. I know all these young things fall for him because of his sexual charisma.

Do you think your h would have an affair again? Would it upset you?

shhhh · 09/09/2005 21:43

sm,"I should let him have sex, because it will keep him happy".. WTF !!!!! Make him suffer, if he is that shallow he deserves to go without. In fact give him a pressie on your birthday..a box of tissues.! Sorry but that is madness esp his comment that he thinks he's gonna get it on your birthday! Lol.!
Ohh my blood boils!

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:47

That's lovely shhh. I used to feel so jealous of my friends who have such equal loving relationships with their partners. I don't any more funnily enough but maybe that's because I don't have such a feeling of desperation inside me.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:48

BTW, why would a 'friend' of yours say something like that to you SM? What kind of relationship does she have with her h? Is she aware of the problems you are having?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:50

Well, he hasn't had sex from me for a good 2 months, so if he had the oppertunity he probably would.
Don't know how I would feel really. I was thinking about this today.
I would probably be a bit shocked at him being such a bas*ard, but would also see it as a quick way out.
Noone else would put up with him though!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:51

She is aware of some, but not all of the problems.
I am afraid to tell friends too much, for fear of anything leaking out.

OP posts:
shhhh · 09/09/2005 21:55

sm ,didn't mean to make you cry. I just want you to know that there are real men out there. Ones who think the world of you and who wouldn't think or look twice at another girl.
Over the past 4 years dh & I have been trying for a baby & we had x2 mc. Once pregnant this time with dd we were told to not have sex throughout the pregnancy. In fact we didn't have sex until dd was a few months old. Nearly a year without sex! Sure (without going into tmi) we had other ways of getting intimate and I did tell dh I was worried that he would look elsewhere due to lack of sex but he was more concerned with me "baking our dd correctly"!!
Suppose he has had opportunites but dd & I are to important to him. I think some blokes want loving sex where as others want a quick s*$& iykwim...
I keep telling him " why have beefburgers when you can have steak" ..!

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:57

Why are you afraid of it leaking out? Is he friends with these people as well. Maybe I am just too utterly honest (I know a friend of mine who posts on mumsnet will laugh at this) but I have no qualms at all in airing my dirty laundry to friends, because I know that they are my friends and the only person who looks bad is him. Is it also difficult because of the position you have at work?

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:59

Quite right shhhh!
We didn't have sex throughout my pregnancy with ds2, as he didn't want to.
Don't think he found my pregnant belly very attractive TBH.
He was very unsupportive during the pregnancy & birth & left me with PND as a result.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:00

Because he will go mad at me if he thinks I have been talking about him.

OP posts:
fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 22:06

Who cares if he gets mad at you! Let him! What's he going to do? Yell some more like he already does anyway? And if you are just talking to your friends, surely it will never get back to them as they will respect your privacy so he will never know. One thing I've realised is that now is the time for secrets - if you want it to be the beginning of the end you have to get something of yourself back, and if that means doing things without his knowledge, so be it. You need to talk to people in real life. I am sure if they are good enough friends they will have an inkling anyway. The way you phrased that last post was very upsetting because I can really feel your despair and it does not have to be that way. It's a mind-set and you can get out of. Think of the worst possible scenario - what can he possibly do?

shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:09

found you unattractive while pregnant! Selfish git!! He got you in that state!

I would also tells close friends, although prob ones I work with as I wouldn't really want our group of friends knowing we were having problems..oh the gossip! You think he would go mad if he knoew you had discussed it..He can't expect you to keep all this to yourself.!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:10

I am scared of his temper though.
I was spoke to a friend about a few things & I mentioned that he was going to go to anger managment.
This friend told her H (who is my H's friend) & it got back to my H.
He was really, really cross with me.
He doesn't hurt me, but punches walls, smashes things etc, which is pretty scary.
He once punched the pillow next to me in bed.

OP posts:
shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:12

fu&wo, I agree.. You need to start planning for the future. Have you got seperate bank accounts.?? You need to start putting money aside so that if/when you decide at least you are financially secure for a while.

shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:15

sm,thats not right. Whats stopping him from hitting you next time? Sounds like your h has dug away at you so much that he is trying to make you insecure.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:16

We have seperate accounts & do not have any joint accounts.
He earns loads more money than me & pays most of the bills out of his account.
I pay council tax, water rates & half of the food shopping bill.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 22:18

Oh he has dug away at me over the years, to the point I am starting to really hate myself for being so pathetic & weak.

OP posts:
shhhh · 09/09/2005 22:19

you shouldn't hate yourself, your h should hate himself because he is the weak one..bullies usually are weak.