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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

650 replies

stressedmummy · 25/08/2005 14:12

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 18:39

Great news about your ds!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 09/09/2005 18:40

Sorry about my rant earlier, but his behaviour makes me so angry.

Still think he could take responsibility for his own jeans though.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 18:42

Aw, I really feel for you because I know exactly how I feel. I get quite emotional reading your posts because I have felt so many similar feelings. I am so glad that I do not live in fear any more from him. You will fell the same soon too - just be strong, and continue to put yourself and your kids first. Have you thought about going back onto anti depressants at all? Don't mean to harp on about them but you would really benefit fromm them right now. Please CAT me so I can send you the book - I have another on verbal abuse that you might be interested in. It's about breaking the cycle and is very good because it actually shows you how you can get beyond it. TC x

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 18:44

Thanks! His new teacher funnily enough is male and I am so pleased about that. It's great to know that apart from my father he will have a really positive male influence in his life. He even got out his guitar and sang songs with the class and says things like 'cool'!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 18:46

I agree with you about the jeans CQ & I told my HV something similar to what you said about washing them himself. It's not hard is it?!
Fedup, I have thought a lot about the AD's today believe me!
I will post properly in a minute or two.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 18:46

Bless him!

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 19:30

Ok, I am safe now!
He said goodbye to me tonight & I said to him "You didn't say anything to me when you went to work last night, just slammed the door."
He said "Well I was a bit cross last night."
This was all because of his bl*ody jeans!
Don't know exactually why I am feeling so tearful tonight, think it is because I have been doing some serious thinking & realise that leaving is the sensible option.
The enormousness of that in itself scares me, but I cannot live a miserable life forever & the children certainly can't.
My HV told me that she had been out with a couple of other HV's last night & she told one of them a little of my situation (without naming names) & how obsessive H is about the house & how much he restricts the children etc.
One of the other HV's said that it sounded just like her Dad & that it has really affected her, even as an adult.
She asked me if he is getting worse & more obsessive & I said that I do think it is happening more frequently now.
She thinks it may be because he is feeling insecure because he knows I am talking to people now & I am starting to stand up to him more.

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 19:33

I will CAT you as soon as my send & recieve is up & running again, fedup.

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 19:50

That is the case exactly. The only reason men like him act like this is because they are insecure. Of course it does not excuse it, but if they can't help themselves then there is nothing you can do. The only person you are responsible for is yourself (and of couse your kids) so don't feel bad for him because he has had a rotten childhood. My h has had a horrendously abusive childhood and I used to feel so compassionate towards him because of it and excused a lot of behaviour because of it. I don't anymore thank God.

The more you talk the more you will realise that what he is doing is not normal and not acceptable. It may take time for things to happen but don't beat yourself up about it. If he is not willing to change or to realise what he is doing then there really is no other choice but to leave. But only do that when you feel strong and ready enough. I am not ready yet for it all to end completely and I do feel like everything is in limbo, but I do know that I am feeling stronger and more positive very day, and more seperate from him emotionally.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 20:05

I don't know if I am ready or not really.
I am, in that I feel it is unhealthy for us to be living like this & I hate treading on egg shells all the time, wondering if something I have done, or the kids have done, is going to send him off into another rage.
However, I am not ready in that I am scared, I don't know how I will cope alone & the thought of the actual seperation process really upsets me, as horrible as it can be, this has been my whole life for the best part of 10 years.
Think this confusion I am feeling, is what has caused me to feel so low tonight.

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 20:33

I understand exactly how you feel. It will get better - don't be too hard on yourself. The ADs really helped getting those feelings of despair out of me. I have come to a point where I realise that I utterly despise him and do not want to be bullied for the rest of my life. Just remember that it is all a process so whether it takes weeks, months or years, it will end when you are ready for it. Do you find that you don't know what your hobbies or interests are anymore? That was one thing that I realised - everything I did before I was with him I had stopped doing and I was really a shell of my former self. I basically lived every day for him - listening to his problems, doing his errands, talking about his interests. I would get fits of rages or guilt trips if he perceived that I was not being attentive enough.

Is it possible for you to learn to drive? I just got my licence last year and has helped me enormously. Honestly, it will give you a sense of freedom if you do. It's awful to feel like you have to be reliant on your h to take you to work. The more you can do for yourself, the easier it will be to break free, emotionally and physically.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 20:34

I mean 'he' (not I!) would get into fits of rages! Must stop drinking the wine!

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 20:44

I'm trying to keep off the wine tonight. Drunk far too much over the last 2 nights!!!
I don't really have time for hobbies etc.
I used to go to the gym regually before children, but being a working Mum, I no longer find the time.
I have thought about learning to drive, but again, it is a case of when would I find the time for lessons & TBH I am quite scared now!
It is horrible having to rely on him though & he uses the not taking me places punishment a lot.
My HV say's he treats me like a child & he does.
He always has to be the dominent one, the one in charge.
I have pulled myself together a bit now!

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 20:45

T least you are recognising all of this. Is there much of an age difference between you btw? Haw old are you? (hope I'm not being too rude!)

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 20:46

What things stop you from leaving fedup?
Did you say you have looked into the legal side of things?

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 20:47

I will be 33 next month, so I am getting old!!!
There is 3.5 years between my 2.
Ds1 is 6 on Sunday & ds2 is 2.5 & a monster!
What about your 2?

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 20:52

I'll be 29 this year. H is 40 in a couple of weeks! Says he is going to spend it in Africa. I said 'what about the kids?' and he said 'they won't know the bloody difference'. Charming eh?! I was only 22 when I got together with him and he swept me off my feet. We got married after 2 months of knowing each other (more fool me). My ds is going to be 6 in Jan and my daughter is 4 in a few weeks. There is only 22 months between them and they are more like twins, both in the way they look and the way they play together.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 20:57

You are just a baby!!!
I got with H (this time) when I was 23 & was married at 26, having only lived with him for 6 months before that. BIG mistake!

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 20:57

How old is your h? It's mainly money that I am staying atm. He's also a bit of a loose cannon so part of me feels paralysed in the situation right now. I hope that he will leave on his own accord if I just continue to stick up for myself. We are both from overseas (from different countries) and he has threatened several times in quite a nasty manner to just up and leave and go back to where he is from. I know I could lean on my parents but I still feel scared of the unknown.

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:00

I am scared of the unknown too.
My H is 38, will be 39 in December, so 6 years older than me.
Where do you come from?

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:00

Believe me, I don't feel young any more! Situations like this force you to look at things in a very mature light. This is also the third country I have lived in so far. My husband is like Peter Pan and places physical beauty over everything else and turning 40 (even though he looks 10 years younger) has not been easy - least of all for me.

fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:03

Born and raised in Ireland, lived in Australia and moved by myself to England 6 and a half years ago. h is from Canada (now if he reads this thread he will DEFINITELY know it is me!).

Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:04

I can imagine my H will not be too happy about turning 40!
He once told me that he hates women who are too thin, or too fat & if I ever got too thin/fat, he would leave me.

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Original poster
stressedmummy · 09/09/2005 21:05

Make sure you do your deleting later!

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fedupandwantout · 09/09/2005 21:07

Makes you so mad, doesn't it?! My h always says about other men who have what I perceive to be a normal relationship with their wife to be 'pussy-whipped' and how he would never be that way. That alone has caused many a row.

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