Stressedmummy is back on line at last!!!

[stressedmummy]

Thank goodness!
We have had loads of problems connecting back up to the internet & H was having a few little tantrums about it this morning, but I am now back!
He was not as cross as he could have been regarding the wine, because I think I have got rid of most of the stain. I am now banned from drinking red wine in the lounge!

You didn't sound negative at all, fedup.
You just have to look at my post from yesterday to see a typical response from H.
I don't agree with a lot of his reactions to ds's discipline.

I got to a point where I thought enough was aenough and I put my son first. The affair and the anger I felt pushed me into it, but I realised that not backing up my h in what he did it would be better for my ds. Are you on anti depressants at all? They were a massive help to me in getting some backbone against him. The more I stood up to him and the more he resisted, the more I realised how much I hate him.

I was on AD's after ds2's birth & was prescribed them again recently, but thought maybe I didn't need them, as what I was experiencing seemed more like stress than depression.

If I were you I would seriously think about going on them again because it would do you the world of good. I was also on them previously for pnd and thought this felt different and perhaps I didn't need them but I saw my doctor and explained things to her and she suggested I go back on them (citalopram) and she also got me to go and see her every two weeks to check up on me. Nothing to do with physical problems, all my mental state of mind. Now everything feels like water off a ducks back!

Citalopram was the AD I was prescribed recently & also what I was taking when I had PND.
I did find it helpful when I was suffering from depression, but thought that because that was proper depression where I was often trance like etc & this seemed more like intense stress due to the situations at home, that AD's wouldn't help this time.
The prescription is still in my bag, so I can pick them up anytime.
Been awake a lot in the night worrying about this afternoon!

Good luck hunni for this afternoon and remember it is another step out of this nightmare you are currently living in.Re anti depressants i have been on and off for the last 9 years and have to say that whenever i was on them my ex got owrse toward me cause he knew they made me feel stronger and i stood up to him more!!They are like little stepping stones out of the dark,at least thats how it always felt to me .
Good luck gonna rush to nursery now but will be thinking of you later on today {{{hugs}}}

Thinking of you this afternoon SM. Rushed off feet at work but will check in later to see if you've posted.

XX

Thanks for thinking about me this afternoon.
I was very nervous about going in there & was glad I had my HV with me for support.
At first I felt like I shouldn't be there, as all the other woman seemed to be in far worse situations than me, in that they had been beaten etc.
The group was run by 2 social workers & at the break time, one of them asked if I was ok.
I told her that I felt like I shouldn't be there, because my H had never hit me.
She told me that often the emotional abuse does more damage than the physical, which some of the woman there agreed with!
It was interesting that some of the woman who had been to refuges, or had their partners in jail due to the violence, were saying they would take them back because these men made them feel good!
My HV said she had seen my counsellor today & told her that she was taking me to this course & my counsellor said "Wow, hasn't she done well."!!!
I would like to be able to attend next week, as they are talking about the bully, which would be very relevent to me. It is just hard juggling my work around, as the woman I work with doesn't realise I am going on this freedom training.
I will try my best to sort something out though.

SM - I'm SO pleased you have made it through the first session - and so well, too. Made my day, that has! I have been siting in meetings all afternoon thinking 'I wonder how it's going...'!

I agree that emotional violence is a v serious form of abuse, and I think you are right - DS - like fedups little one, is reacting to emotional abuse - so you can see the effects.

V pleased that your counsellor is joining the long list of people who think you are doing really well /

Next week sounds v interesting - do you think you COULD talk to the woman you work with so that she can, if possible, support you to attend - enable you to move your working hours around, etc? Tell her it is a course your HV has suggested you might find useful - tell her it is assertiveness training, perhaps? If you don't want to be specific about the exact nature of it?

MIL is around for another week - but I will be away for the whole w/e - so it's just about ok!

Must run - but so glad to see you got through it!

Yes I'm glad too, SM. Good on yer!

Well done SM!!!!
I really think you should try to get to next weeks session - as Blu says - even if it means "slightly" confiding in your collegue about your reasons for wanting these hours for a few weeks.

I will try my best to get there next week & there is another session covering the effects on the children, which I would like to get to.
I was in trouble with H before he went to work last night because he didn't have any work jeans washed & ready.
He had jeans ready, but they wern't work jeans!
A friend came round to see me & was shocked that H left for his night shift, without even saying goodbye to me.
I told her it would have been because of the jeans.
I thought I would feel really guilty about sneaking off on this course, but funnily enough I dont!
Have a good w/e Blu!
I had better start washing jeans now!

He's so romantic, isn't he

I have ok'ed it with work to swap my half days around, so I can go next week, which is good.
He was really cross this morning, because he found a bit of grass on the stairs, from where the kids were playing yesterday (ds1 had a friend round) & he went mad because coasters & a cushion were on the floor in the lounge.
He accused me of not supervising them & made me make my own way to work, with both ds's, as I had to drop ds2 off with a friend.
He would have given me a lift if I hadn't annoyed him.
I have my HV coming round at 1pm today.

SM - this is truly out of control. A bit of grass? Cushions on the floor- with no harm or damage, they could just easily be put back? And as a result he gave you and DS2 a really hard time.

This isn't acceptable.

I don't know what to suggest, or what to say, but it isn't an acceptable way to live - he sounds quite mentally disturbed to me.

If he is getting that worked up about such insignificant things, it is NOT you annoying him - it is him becoming irrationally annoyed under his own steam - or else he is looking for 'excuses' to be cruel to you.

Either way, it is completely unacceptable to do that to you.

I sound like Jo Frost SuperNanny, don't I, except I do know how to pronounce 'unacceptable'!

Well done for changing your hours around - excellent!

My HV is late!
I am feeling quite down about everything today TBH.

Oh, don't feel too down.
i know it's hard, but you did the session, you got through it, you've made your plans so that you can go back. You are doing well. It's just that he is behaving truly abominbly.

Can you make a start on getting some hard facts re legal and financial info?

XXXXXXXXXXXX

I will ask my HV when she turns up.

If he finds a bit of grass on the stair, he can pick it up and throw it away. If he finds a cushion on the floor, he can put it back on the sofa.

End of story. There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his disgraceful, disgusting behaviour. It's truly pathetic. He is undermining you, humiliating you and ds and treating you all as if he is your lord and master.

Oh and what's stopping him getting his own effing jeans ready?

Hope the HV visit went well and you told her everything that happened.

Has your HV been? How are you?

Hv visit was fine & I told her everything that has gone on in the last couple of weeks.
I asked her to spot both stains on the carpet. She couldn't see any mark where the wine stain was, but could just make out the other stain, because she could see were I had been scrubbing.
I told her about him throwing the glasses in the bin as a reaction to the stain & she said "He really is very scary, isn't he?"
I told her about his tantrum about the jeans & I told her about this morning.
She thought his behaviour this morning was nasty & controlling.
I also told her about him flipping after I danced with his friend & how scary that was, as he was shouting to me "TELL HER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" while I was on the phone to my Mum & came right up to me threatening to grab the phone.
She thought that behaviour was pretty disturbing & asked me if I thought he was leading up to anything.
I told her that I think I am in for another bad bout with him & felt quite emotional when I said this.
She told me I would find out from this freedom training, that maybe there is a way out.
She told me I would be entitled to half of everything & I could always see some DV officer to talk about legel matters in time.
I am feeling a little bit better now & he is going to work later, so I can relax tonight.

Hi SM, glad to hear that you are getting lots of support. Are you feeling any differently to your situation now? He really sounds like a comple a**e - and I should know!

Funny you should mention the thing about his jeans - I used to have the exact same problem with my h - he has so many clothes and most of them very expensive. A lot of them have to go on delicate cycles as a result or be handwashed, so you can imagine what a nightmare that was. The top that was dirty was always the one he wanted to wear and becuase it was not ready he would be in a foul mood for the entre morning - sometimes the entire day. Now he does not do it so much because he probably knows that I will give him hell back. When you start getting stronger and start standing up to him (and you will do, believe me - half the battle is understanding what is going on) things will get easier in most ways. I have found though that I have realised the only type of person my h wants to be with is a doormat and now I am not that anymore he is distancing himslef more and more (which suits me fine!). Perhaps the same will happen to you. He is a bully and a control freak and he does not deserve to have someone who is as lovely as you. Dr Phil has many words of wisdom on his website. One was: 'the only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for 10 years is staying in a bad relationship for 10 years and one day'. Makes you think, doesn't it?

BTW, in my son's first week back at school, I have had some fantastic positve feedback from his new teachers and I am sure that's down to being decure because he has a happy mummy. Just remember that having one solid, loving parent is better than two fighting ones - especially when one is abusive. I would be devastated if my son turned into a bully in his future relationships. x

Secure of course, not decure!

Hi fedup!
I am feeling pretty fed up ATM!
I will post more in a bit, when the coast is clear.
Started to do a lot of thinking & am feeling very tearful.