Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

I really feel for you TheLastOfTheNappies as this situation sounds horrible. I too had problems with my mil { she hated me before she even met me because I was the wrong race but there lots of other issues too } and my dh was spineless and never stood up for our little family unit. It ruined the first few years after my ds was born.

We eventually moved a long way away and now have limited contact with her. It was the only way our marriage could survive but the scars are still there in that I lost a lot of respect for my dh in that he didn't stand up for me, when I was at my most vulnerable or our ds.

You have an even more difficult situation in that your dh is being such a turncoat and siding with mil { my dh was just uselessly neutral } as otherwise I would say that it would be worth moving away, even if it means leaving your family, to give you a chance of keeping your own little family together.

I do hope you manage to sort something out as the present situation sounds untenable.

Oh goodness, this sounds awful you poor thing.

I don't think it can carry on. No amount of shifting and countering will do the trick I think.

The only thing would be to move away. With your dh or without. Silly Mil ruining your marriage, you poor thing.

Back again. I am afraid if I start to post I won't know when to stop. I sympathise and understand COMPLETELY what you mean regarding your MIL. I am with my husband several years, married one, and it has been a constant struggle since day one, getting worse since we got married. The day of my wedding set the tone for what has been a shitty year. MIL pretended to faint. Gets brought down to my bridal bed. When she decides she has had enough attention she gets up, changes into her tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt and dances the night away. It was like a miracle at Lourdes. She joined myself and my husband (with a neighbour) for our first dance. The only person at my wedding who believed she was sick was my DH. If you could see my wedding DVD to see the dirty, horrible looks she gives me throughout the day, you would be horrified.

When I was pregnant I got comments - "XX asked me if you had a bump and I said its hard to tell because you are big anyway". One night she walks in when we are having a chinese (a treat for us, not an everyday occurance) and she says "Its no wonder you are fat". Now I am overweight but I wouldn't be of beached whale proportions.

There is so, so much that I could tell you but at this stage I haven't the energy. My husband, of course, thinks it is all me. He, like yours, can't see her faults. He doesn't hear the snide little comments she gives me, as she only gives them when he isn't there. If I say anything he gives the classic "You are taking her up all wrong". Actually I am not taking it up wrong. She is a vindictive, jealous woman. She makes a big show when she gets near my DD of sitting with my DH and the three of them playing together. I find it quite bizarre TBH. She is sort of rubbing my nose in it - their little family unit. And if myself and my husband are sitting with DD playing I can feel the vibes coming off her.

The only thing I can say to you is - pick your battles. I have sort of "hardened" myself to her now. Her little jibes hurt like hell. But instead of throwing a strop over it like I used to, I swallow it. I used to fight so much with my husband over everything, but I discovered if I gave her enough rope she'd hang herself. So I over compensated everything with my husband. We started up a small business, and she tried to get involved. Instead of backing off and telling my DH she was bullying, I got so involved in everything that there was no room for her. So now if anything comes up she completely ignores it. Will not speak on the business. I'd say if I asked her a direct question she would ignore it. (I am not making myself very clear, but am trying!)

i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of giving her time with your DH and baby. This is YOUR child, so I would be the dark cloud in the background everytime she saw her. You don't need to be confrontational with her (I haven't the guts anyway) but just LET HER KNOW who is boss. I am a fairly normal, ordinary, happy person, have friends and a happy family life. I swear to God at one stage I did think I would lose my marriage over her, and I thought I would need counselling as I was becoming very bitter.

This has probably been no help to you and I will probably be back as and when I think of more stuff. As I read somewhere her behaviour is "the sting of the dying wasp". She is just trying to get her bit of poision in and the best way to handle her is try and pretend she is not annoying you.

Best of luck, you do need it xx

I'm sorry but he sounds as bad as his mum. I have a vague recollection of this from your previous thread, but do you think that, although she is clearly a nasty piece of work, that a lot of this is driven and encouraged by your DH? His insistance on alone time is weird I think, and I wonder if the apple doesn't fall far from the possesive competitive tree and he's happy to push you into falling out with his mother so he gets his equal amount of "alone time".

Is it just with your DD he's obsessed with this kind of "fairness" or does it happen in other aspects of your life as well?

You didn't mention the counselling, do you think he's consider it? If he won't maybe it would be worth finding a solicitor and getting a free half hour to find out where you would stand in terms of shared custody (if he's not around a lot in the week he might not get 50/50 for example) so you know where you stand. You may never need to use that knowledge, but it might make you feel stronger.

it's very, very strange that your husband insists on alone time. I've never heard anything like it ... It sounds like a horrible possessive thing, I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't sound like you and your DH work together as a partnership? It sounds like he's at fault and you've just got used to it Why he is competing with you for your daughter? Let alone why he doesn't tell your MIL to back the hell off. It must be very threatening having her presence hanging over you all the time.

Haven't read the whole thread, or the previous thread, but tbh, you sound a bit, erm, unusual.

You changed you child's name? How long after you had her registered? If it was six months later, no wonder people keep calling her by her name!

And it was your DC's birthday... and you didn't arrange a party for her and invite both sets of GPs. So her GM arragned a little tea party for her and you wouldn't go.

Erm, maybe you need to look at yourself a bit closer?

I didn't have parties for my kids' first birthday parties. Too many parents spend a load of effort on parties when the kids are too young to give a monkeys and then can't be bothered when the kids have friends and actually want a party.
I agree if both sets of rellies local that would have made more sense than separate parties for each parent.

TheLastOfTheNappies - I have read through this whole thing absolutely riveted and stunned you have put up with this for so long. Your MIL is absolutely vile. I could feed in another million expletives there, but I think you've probably already thought of them yourself! How dare this woman treat you like this?! And how dare your spineless husband let her?! Counselling to keep your sanity sounds like an absolute must at this point!

I don't have much advice I'm afraid, I've never been in a situation anywhere near this bad, I just wanted to leave you a message in the hope that every one you get might make you feel a little less alone . I hope everything works out with your DD's party, please let us know how it goes.

Btw, have you ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond? Your MIL makes Marie Barone look like a bloody saint!

And now I've started reading through the other thread you linked to....if you don't mind me asking, WHY have you allowed your husband to keep on treating you like this for so long?! I don't mean to judge you, I think you deserve support more than anything, I just can't understand how or why anyone would accept this as their life! I've never thought of myself as a particularly strong willed person and I'm sure I let things slide that I shouldn't at times, but even I would've lost my patience with this situation by now!

Big hugs .

TheLastoftheNappies

Do you know any of the other party attendees well enough, to mention that you have not been invited to your own daughter's party. They may be aware that your MIL has "issues", and might be able to "suggest gently" at the party that you should be there and should be at future events

I say this because, my SIL told me that she and DH's aunt recently had a discussion about how MIL tries to dominate my DC - all presents and contact has to go through her etc.

NonnoMum and 2rebecca - i think the thread has moved on from concentrating on the party. As I tried to explain, it was not really a party during the day, it was my mother (not father!) and sister (just one, I have 4 other siblings!) with my two nephews who had some cupcakes and brought DD presents. I wouldn't have thought NOT to do it on her birthday. For what it's worth, MIL wouldn't be in the same room as my Mother anyway. Re teh name thing, I started a thread on here about it at the time I wished to change it and had support regarding it and quite a few people came on and said theyd done a similar thing. Regarding looking at myself and my behaviour - that's the reason I started the thread!

Sorry if I don't answer the rest of anyone's questions, it's been a long night, DD had booster jab yesterday and was quite sleepless.

DH didn't return home last night. He gave me a brief call to say he was staying at his parents as that was easier with work (?! I didn't question further) - he wouldn't talk about anything else as he had a colleague with him.

I got a text later on saying I may as well not bother coming tomorrow as all of the presents and cards are addressed to her previous name. He wouldn't answer my call (In reply to his text I just said oh well - what can be done about it now) he wouldn't answer a text and same this morning. He's just ignoring me. I don't know why. I expect his mother's been chewing his ear off about me again.

Lucky - it's mainly since we had DD. He's ultra competitive regarding pictures taken with her. If a member of my family started making her smile when se was younger, he would nearly physically push them out of the way, making sure she smiled at him (and I'm not exaggerating this!)

His Mother and Father have been together years and years. He's very passive. He does whatever he has to for a quiet life I think.

Female - I'm so sorry that you've been through that - she does sound awful. I completely sympathise, and think I do need allthe luck I can get! I will read through your advice again later in the day when I get a chance.

LucyLouLou - thanks for your message! Yep marie looks a saint in comparison! I don't know why i've let it escalate to this. Probably because we have a child together,. I woulodn't accept it if we didn't. It's been so much worse since we had her.

DH has a good relationship with his father I think - geniuinely close and his father really cares about him. I can't explain the competitiveness. I think I mentinoed on the other thread that the thank you cards were from him and DD he didn't write in my name. All albums of her are 'Daddy's little girl' he tells everyone she will be a daddy's girl. All fairly innocuous on their own but it all adds up.

I don't know if he'd go to counselling or not? He's expressed an interest when I've mentioned it in the past. I need it alone regardless of him I think.

He just text me saying he can't handle it anymore. I know that his mother will have been kicking up a fuss to him about me coming over last night. Possibly trying to tell him not to let me. Hence his mood.
If he wants to leave I think I'll let him without any more discussion. I feel so drained today.

I have wanted to explain to him for so long that the competitiveness drains me too, but he won't ever ever accept that his behaviour is abnormal or destructive to our relationship.

Difficult with the "promise not to cause an atmosphere" stricture. I'm guessing the OP will be "causing an atmosphere" if the MIL says she is, regardless of how she actually behaves. One can't win in that situation. One can only do one's best to be seen, by any reasonable person present, as being civil and pleasant.

Haven't read whole thread but can relate to OP. I very strongly suggest you buy and read Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward and then get your DH to read it too.

Please don't let your daughter go to the party. His family have absolutely no respect for you, and I bet they haven't told your guests about your DD's change of name.

I don't understand this alone time your DH needs - my husband works away from home Monday to Thursday but would never dream f doing things with our DD without me because he misses mesas much as he misses her when he's away. We're a family and we do things together.

As I said yesterday I don't usually come on here shouting 'leave him' but I really think you need to get finances, etc in order because I don't think you can live like this much longer.

You both need to go to Relate asap if this relationship stands any chance. It sounds to me as though you are heading for a divorce. Him taking his daughter to his mums I can understand, but not him excluding you from thank you notes, and him condoning his mum writing presents to his daughter in the wrong name.
If you get divorced his mum will still be in your daughter's life but at least you won't have to accept being undermined by your husband.
Do you normally work and are you capable of being financially independant?
I'd let your daughter go to this party, it seems unfair on her not to let her, but would tell him never again will this happen.
If you and your family, plus school etc call her by her current name and you explain when she is older why you changed the name the name thing will cease to be a problem with time.
It does sound as though husband is the problem here, not MIL. He isn't being passive he's deliberately ganging up against you with his mother and excluding you.

Annie - you're right - i think whataver I do will be wrong. Civility is the best way forward, but I'm not sure I'm going to be going anywhere tonight by the sounds of DH.

ABit - I have bought the book thanks - I ordered it yesterday it should arrive today. DH will just laugh about it and I can't imagine on what planet I'd manage to get him to read it.

Lady - thank you. I feel a bit panicky at first if I think of being alone. Then the idea of having to go dating again, especially now I have a child! But I think I would be calmer, feel better about myself, not be on edge all the time. They're my initial thoughts.

He got away with taking her word over mine by saying that if I hadn't said those words exactly I must have said something that MIL could have easily misinterpreted!

So far as whether or not to confront this by letter, personally I think if you have a conversation people can twist and turn what you say. If you send a letter, a well considered/factual letter, it is there in black and white. Always keep a copy.

Oh lastofthenappies, I can't believe your dh is treating you like this? Can you not take yourself and dd to stay with your family/friends for a few days. I really don't think you should let your dd go to the party either. I honestly think you need to stand up for yourself now, this is only going to get much worse . Could you pack some things today and go for a while? Maybe write your dh a long letter, explaining everything that has happened/the way you feel/how odd his relationship is with his mother. I think he sadly needs an ultimatum? Either he starts behaving like a real man and puts you and dd first, or that's it basically? I think you stop dd going to your mil's without you, as she's 'winning' every time. Ideally your dh needs to 'sort his mother out' (and himself) and then arrange for them to visit you all together at your house, with her being nothing other than polite, otherwise she's out! Please, please stand up for yourself and your dd, someone needs to...this isn't going to get better until they all know they can't get away with it. I'm so sorry for this awful time you are going through and I'm very very at your dh more than anything for allowing you to be treated like this!

I also agree that "needing" time alone with a 1 year old sounds strange and like competitive parenting as he should be wanting time with you and I don't get what you would need to do alone with a 1 year old.
When kids get older then parents can enjoy 1 on 1 time with their kids and kids often need it more and enjoy the adult attention and not just being seen as 2the child" or "one of the kids" tagging along with mum and dad.
You don't get many fathers of 2 or more kids begging to have time alone with the kids!
Does he resent you being a SAHM? Did you discuss that you would be a SAHM for this long?

I agree about the counselling. Trust the counsellor - you won't be on your own. Your DH's behaviour is thoroughly abnormal and so the idea of a counsellor backing it up is unlikely.

Sorry, I missed the bit about the letter? But I wouldn't deal with your mil yourself at all...that's for your dh to do. She sounds far too nasty and manipulative. You need to deal with your dh and make him stand by you. If he won't you're sadly better off without him.