Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Sorry to keep posting but I think this has been a great help for me to work out my feelings here.

I resent them both because what should have been a lovely time when DD was born was fraught with anxiety. MIL was constantly on DHs back and thereforfe he was on mine. He didn't care that I was getting no sleep with a newborn - not enough to stop harrassing me about his Mum. I think I would need counselling to work through that feeling I harbour towards both MIL and my husband. I think I feel worse about MIL because I thought because she was a woman and she'd given birth etc, she'd know how vulnerable I'd feel.

Argh! Just wrote a massive post and lost it!

Basically, stop blaming your DH for being a wimp. Men are wimps and cower away from confrontation, especially between the women they love, so YABU to blame him. You need to fix this as you are the one with the problems with her, to be frank.

She sounds awful, like a raging alcoholic/narcississt, so I don't blame you for dreading it but it has to be done. She obviously neds to feel vitally important, so use that against her: lay on the flattery with a trowel - she is SO important a person in your DD's life and you are SO happy she loves your DD so much and are SO looking forward to them spending time together as DD grows up, but these particular things (pick your top 3) make you feel uncomfortable so stop doing them now, thanks awfully.

Stop hiding away at home, that's not going to change a thing. And stop considering divorce! That's just adding this problem to 4,762 different ones.

Sorry, I just read your new post about trying to see her 3 times last year to sort things out. Shit. Hmm.

Jesus, I dunno. I really hope you find a way to fix it without divorce though. I really, really do. Divorce is awful and single-motherhood (I'm a single mum) is soooooooooo lonely nd boring and stressful and worrying and hard.

OK, read the other post and this one and have a couple of questions...is your DH an only child? I could have scanned over you mentioning his other siblings or not.

The whole thing reeks to me of a woman who wanted another child/lost a child and has not reconciled that within herself so she is projecting misplaced maternal feelings on her grandchild and the boundaries of being a grandmother have not been set.

I obviously completely understand that following your DDs birth you were vulnerable (as in realising that she was a fruitcake and finding it difficult) and so your DH taking your DD to his DMs alone seemed like the right thing to do. By doing this, you have in effect shot yourself in the foot. It has only served to only confirm to your MIL that you aren't good enough for her DS and DGD and by you not being there the boundaries of GM and GC are further blurred.

If I were in your position I would feel the only way to move forward would be to have it out but I would rather confront an issue rather than dilly dally about.

Speak to your DH, if necessary show him these threads. Tell him to grow a pair. Don't threaten him that you will move to other side of the country, keep it real! Tell him that the marriage will be over if things don't change only if you are willing for that to be a reality.

I personally would deal with the MIL by writing her a letter telling her how it is, tell her about the issues chronologically and explain how they made you feel. Tell her how this affecting your marriage and how if things do not change then you and her DS will seperate and how this will affect her relationship with her GD and how it is best for everyone if you can talk things through and move forwards. Tell her how you see the family dynamics working.

Then it is a question of seeing whether the reality of the situation is enough to make your DH and MIL consider your perspective.

Be strong!!!

Miggsie - a resounding yes to all of those questions. I've tried in a general way to describe why I find it hard to have a relationship with MIL - the controlling nature of everything -( at christmas she she had table settings, and tried to sit me in teh corner, wall on both sides and seat furthest away from where the highchair was placed! I can't believe this was an accident) but he doesn't see it.

As I said upthread, her word is gospel (me moving and leaving DH!). FIL popped over to collect something from me the other day, but DH and I were under strict orders not to mention to MIL that he had seen us, especially not DD. He is not allowed to see her without MIL present or she gets so jealous.

I can't see on what planet DH will see what she is like. We've had years of this now. He just dismisses her behaviour. He thinks that her behaviour is normal. How can I fight against that? Where do I go when he can't see that I can't have the relationship he wants me to have with his mother? She has in her wake a trail of people that she doesn't alk to/has fallen without including several siblings of hers.

I'm off to buy that book now.

Thanks all - I think a letter - probably to both of them (seperate ones) is the way to go. I have tried the conversations, DH has stonewalling me down to a fine art, and MIL just started crying hysterically on one occasion, in order to avoid the conversation.

DH has two brothers -they still live at home, but DH is golden boy to a massive extent. He is older than them by 10 years. He can do no wrong.

I just tried to call DH to ask about tonight, but no answer so I have left an answerphone message. I think the answer will be no, I really do.

Over the last year I have honestly tried to set the boundaries. She knows I really really don't want her just popping in on the offchance during the day - I don't have that sort of relationship with her, and I'm very uncomfortable with it as she will stay for hours. We had a conversation to this end in February. We arranged a coffee, went for it ( Dh was happy, she was happy, DD was happy, it was fine, didn't pick fault). The next week, she asked me again, I couldn't make it and said I would try the next week. She turned up at my house twice in that day I had said I couldn't make it. Once I was in and just didn't answer the door as had got out of shower and DD asleep (I heard her trying to get in the front door), the second time upon returning from a trip into town to find her trying my back door. She is a give an inch take a mile sort of person.

swallowedafly - that makes much sense to me. She is a person, not someone I need to have a relationship with, just to be polite with, and set teh boundaries with with no arguments involved. If I don't invest anything emotionally, thinking that this time will be ok, we'll have a good MIL/DIL relationship then I've got no disappointment I guess.

I really think your mil has some mental health problem herself. She sounds very insecure if a visit by her husband needs to be kept secret.
My advice would be to work on your own mental health- read the books maybe get some counselling-
and also try and work out strategies to manage her.
My first thought is that from now on you should make a point of having single parties and events to which all of the family are invitied with no exceptions. This individual and split parties business is exascebating[sp] the trouble. Even if it involves having DDs b.day not on the actual day that's fine. Many people will do this to suit the other family members.
Manipulate situations to your own needs and standards. If mil tries to seat you miles away from DD at meals just firmly state that you must sit beside her and go and sit there. Smile. You are the reasonable one.

I agree with SAF - I wouldn't do a letter.

I'd just emotionally dis-engage to be honest. So I'd got to all family functions and smile and nod a lot but just would ignore her madness really.

And if she turns up when its not convenient - just don't answer the door or tell her she can come in but you're just on your way out. All with a big smile.

Is your relationship with DH good apart from this though?

x-posts with several.

thanks FMTD yes I am the reasonable one! The last few months and the argument last night just make me feel like I'm not. I will take the moral high ground. It has been a mistake in not going there because she can pretend I don't exist which I think suits her down to the ground.

I can do the MIL thing. I think as someone said upthread, BEAUTIFUL perhaps, that I can't blame DH for her behaviour. I don't, but blame him for the way he has dealt with it. I want to work it out, I think, but I really can't understand the way he behaves about her. I can keep her at arms length, look at what she says objectively, and unemotionally, DH can't. Therefore what happens the next time she brazenly lies about something I've done and causes a row between DH and I because he chooses to believe MIL? It's literally been my word against hers and he chooses hers. I understand that I would find it hard to believe my Mother would lie, but how can I make him see her for what she is? Not reject her or cut her out of our lives or anything like that, just be able to stand back and think, 'right, Mum's manipulating this situation, I'm just going to stand by DW and nip this in the bud now.'

We've had a few issues surrounding loyalties before - telling a few personal things I had expressly asked to be kept quiet to close friends. I believe he's worked through that now, and understand why that's important to me (although I'm a bit that he needed that explaining.

However that aside, if we lived in a different country for instance, I believe we have a lovely relationship.

thelastof so sorry but I don't have time to read all the posts - just have to say this one thing - the reason you feel like you're the one with the problem sometimes is because you've been systematically bullied by your MIL and your DH (sorry) for a long period of time and basically this has fried your brain. YANBU. DH needs to stand by you, and support you no matter how menty his mother is (and she is!). And that's that.

Agree with other posters - don't join in with her madness, just try to sort out things with DH.

Good luck - sorry you're in this horrible situation
x

NOt OTT at all - I completely understand - I'm sorry that you have a mother like that, having a MIL like it is bad enough! DH is totally unaware of her behaviours though so he needs no pity. I think that's why a feel a separation's necessary. I cannot win. It will always be her over me. I think that's the end of it. That is the strength of the web she's weaved.

I could do as above and say 'no not is now convenient sorry' when she comes to the door. It's when DH gets home and he's had a text from his Mum, and he questions me about why if I was in couldn't I have met his Mum, am I avoiding her etc that I can't handle the situation.

Oh and she refuses to actually come to our house now - she told DH (because I couldn't come to door or come out) that she's obviously not welcome here when nothign of that sort's been said.. Another method of control I think as she feels she can do what she wants with DD when in her own house.

I'm so sorry you are being treated like this Your dh has NO excuse whatsoever treating you like this and standing by his mother??? It's completely bizarre behaviour. He should always stand united with you in front of other's (esp his mother IMO). They sound like they have a very weird mother/son relationship. Your dh needs to stand up for you and tell her to back off etc. I had similar probs after I had ds1, my parents actually ended up having to go mad with my dh. I threatened to leave and I would have if my dh hadn't stood up to mil. My dad said to me that they're more like lovers than mother/son - that made me feel sick and I'm sure it made dh realise that their relationship wasn't 'normal'. Anyway my dh stood up to her, we had lots of drama - of course! But after 3/4 months of no contact and not seeing our ds2 she realised that she couldn't get her own way. She's on her last chance now...dh is willing to cut her out of our lives if she treats me as she has in the past.

Sorry to ramble on! You need to put yourself and dd first, agree with other's re getting counselling alone. Maybe if you left him i.e temporarily he'd get a shock and realise what he could lose if he doesn't grow a pair! Good luck x