Help me have a good relationship with my MIL or DH and I will split

[TheLastOfTheNappies]

I have posted before last year for the back story see first post here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/828190-Another-MIL-story

Basically an awful relationship with MIL - she caused such a horrible time after teh birth of my daughter and made everything about her. DH hasn't made things much better by discussing me/undermining me with his Mother just to avoid a confrontation with her.

The trouble is, I think it's effecting my mental health now. It's certainly effecting our relationship. There have been incidents since that first post that always take us back to where we were last september.

I am always expected to forgive and forget, to move on. But I can't do that anymore. I actually feel physically sick that my MIL is touching her, I want to limit as much contact with her as possible as I feel so wound up/tense/hysterical when she's with her. I didn't start off like this! Im not an overly over-protective mother. I don't go over and see them anymore, DH takes DD to them, but he complains that it's never long enough, not enough time, that she's cried (that's because she's anxious and mummy isn't there I expect, it's sensory overkill when she does visit)

It was her first birthday yesterday, today DH and his parents and other relatives/neighbours are having a little tea party for her. I'm not invited, it hasn't been mentioned. I know I don't see them at the moment, but I do feel odd that my child's having a party that I'm not part of. It's like they have always wanted me not to be there.

I'm sorry for this rambling post. I just think that DH and I are so close to splitting over this. He doesn't see anything that I cite as unreasonable, and not I know that I'm being unreasonable too. I just can't stop these feelings. I don't see how I can play happy families with this woman (which is what DH wants). He expects me to paint over everything. I suspect the whole situation has been made worse because he also believes his mother over me when she is outright lying.

How do I move on from this? How can I accept that she is my daughter's Grandmother? How do I make these relationships work?

TIA

Shes 59 I think - yes perhaps a change in strategy is best. Definitely with MIL. How do you think that would change things with DH though? I like the idea of being the bigger person about it all, and re the party tonight, I have still to hear back from DH. Can't actually believe I'm in a situation where I have to ask to go!! I think if he says I can't/that it's not possible/i'll make MIL feel uncomfortable (??!?! he's used that one in the past) - then I think a few days apart is what's needed. I can't see being able to forgive him for intentionally excluding me from our DD's party.

mamasunshine - what was the straw that broke the camel's back with yoru DH? What was your MIL doing? How was yoru DH reacting? Sorry to pry, I just wanted to compare our situations... Thanks for your post.

I am just to be honest. I really feel for you. Your MIL sounds like an absolute piece of work but it's your husband that I feel is really letting you down. You and your daughter should be his number one concern, not his overbearing and vile mother.

You really need to talk to him about where his priorities lie- I can't believe he thinks this is ok. He HAS to realise that your family unit- you 2 and LO- come first. This woman is obviously desperate to exclude you and is clearly a control freak. You really need to sort this out with your husband. You should not have to put up with this crap

"Cheeseandgherkins - I broached this subject last night and got the reply as in my post above - I'd done something on my own so he could??!! Also, I offered perhaps as a peace offering they would like to come here but that was rebuffed too. She's his daughter too as he tells me, how can I stop him taking her?!"

Not a good enough answer for me I'm afraid. It's a party for your daughter, it's not just "doing something on his own". He is being extremely petty and needs to grow a pair to be frank. You can go too, you don't need to stop him taking her. You need a serious talk, does he realise how serious it is? He simply cannot be a mummy's boy forever, he has a wife and daughter and needs to take on the responsibility like a man.

One thing I will say though is DO NOT let mil come between you. Don't let it cause arguments, talk about the problems yes but don't let it come between you. You have to show a united front, so dh needs to be onside. Don't be pushed out of your own family and don't stand for any shit.

I agree you should go to the party and be all smiles.

Surely MIL can not be too nasty at a first bday party.

I have a very overpowering mil, or used to have as now she does not wield much power as we moved.

She was not a factor in our choice to move, but once we have moved I realised that I had alot more peace and mind with her not around, which is sad. However, I remember when my dh and I first flew away she came to the airport and actually physically pushed me out of a photo saying in a nasty tone, that she wanted to have a photo with just her son and her as I was taking him away... that was my cue really, and I realised that I would have a happier marriage if her input was limited.

She has no idea that I feel this way - as I am all smiles all the way with her.

Also there is no way I would even entertain the public humiliation of not attending a bday party for my one year old, absolutely no way whatsoever.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me, my husband and I fighting over what should be a really happy celebration.

You really should be cherishing the fact that you have a happy and well baby.

I think it also smacks of your husband not valuing you, as a first birthday party should be a celebration of your roles as parents.

.. and this practice of her never coming to your house, your DH has to back you on this.

Your daughter deserves more than this, and I hope you can stand up for yourself.

I would just go to this party tomorrow and not wait to be 'allowed'. Also could you take someone with you, a friend or one of your family who might be helpful as a witness or to stop or deflect horrible behaviour? A jolly friend who is well appraised of the situation could be a lifesaver.
I have a slightly similar mil who lies in a small, petty and totally unneccessary way and I am trying to think how I handle it and how it might relate to you much, much worse problem.

THank you for all your messages again, they're providing me with the strength to sort this out!

I will await to hear what DH says - I can't imagine turning up somewhere I'm not wanted! IF DH says no then I have my answer really. I'd be more humiliated turning up, I don't think I'm strong enough for that!

As I say I did suggest we hold something at our house for them, but the answer was no. I can't really believe I'm in this situation!

I will update when I've heard from DH.

Cheese - he does realise how serious it is. I honestly believe though that he would rather walk away from this than sort things out or stand up to his Mum.

Golly, not got time to read the previous thread, but I think you should individually and also together with your DH get some counselling to sort out this situation.

She sounds like a right old dragon, but try to remember that she is his mother, and that she must seem normal to him as she's all he's ever known personally as a mother.

I must confess that my MIL has never done anything at all to justify me not wanting DD to be alone with her, but I still find it strange, whereas I wouldn't give a second thought to MY mum being alone with her.

I wouldn't be confrontational about the party tonight, just more ammo for your MIL!

Oh she was doing lots of little things really that just mounted up. I would be completely ignored. I was told off for asking my dh not to play football one night when I was ill and needed a hand at home (I had pre-eclampsia at the time!) I was unreasonable to be upset with dh going away for a long wkend stag doo after just bringing my premature baby home from SCBU - I couldn't get hold of dh all wkend . She would blatently ignore any of my 'house rules', e.g I didn't want our dog to come into our front room (I'd just bought a new cream rug), she called the dog in straight away and lay him on the rug stroking him. Lots of things like that, always undermining me etc. She insisted on making my dh's packed lunches for work every day even after living with me for 3 year's and she would also wash his football kit etc When I was pg with ds1 she demanded that she see the baby at least once a wk, which isn't a prob really. However my dh works 6 days a wk, sometimes 7 so I said that may not always be possible etc...she went mad. She actually turned up at my house just after I'd had ds1, I was alone with the baby and she barged in screaming abuse at me [sa]...that was really awful.

Once that had passed, I suggested she phone anytime in the wk if she wanted to see GC, she never did, always had to see us on my dh's 1 day off levaing us with no time together ever! If on occasions we did have a 'family day' alone she would phone the hosue 20-30 x until we eventually got home...she would be v angry and demand where we had been etc. If we were ever at my parents she would know - she would drive past regularly to check??!!!

Sorry there's so much more. Basically she started telling lies about me ignoring her calls and other weird thing's. She called me a lazy bitch that was turning her son against his family? I was pg with ds2, working full time, studying part time and was very stressed. So, my parents got involved, told my dh some hometruths, I threatened to leave. He told his mother to bugger off, if she wouldn't stop causing trouble/ treating me like this etc, he would have no choice but to cut her out of our lives. After that conversation she attempted to commit suicide because of me My dh checked she was ok, she was abusive about me again, so dh didn't have contact for 3/4months. And now we're just waiting for something to happen that will mean goodbye for good...she still makes no effort with me at all, but thing's are easier to deal with. It makes a massive difference that dh has stood by me

I'm sorry that was soooo long

OH gosh mama - that's awful - she sounds v similar to my MIL. I'm so glad for you that DH stood up for you in the end.

SAF - if I knew when I met DH what I know now, I think I would have had massive doubts about starting a relationship with him (DD aside of course, I'd go through it again to have her!)

sorry, I got carried away! I have said to dh that if I'd have known that his family were all going to turn out the way they have since we got married and got pg with ds1 I would have run a mile. And I mean it...if only I'd have known! Instead I'm dreaming of the day we have the funds to up and emigrate to Australia That is the only way I believe we can get over the massive interference in our lives. But dare not tell mil until we're on the plane as goodness knows what she would do! I really hope your dh proves himself to you, otherwise I'm sad to say but I'm sure you'd be better off without him

she sounds awful, and the faster you get away the better.

i do hope you can work it out with your dh though, and that he will finally see her behaviour isnt normal at all.

x

I remember your original thread, your MIL was a lunatic then and appears to have got worse.

I think, as many others hae already said, is that the problem is with your husband, and where you fit in his hierarchy. You might have already mentioned this but have you suggested joint counselling?

Definitely go to the party, practise your best smile and saying "Goodness...I'm sorry you feel that way" with a smile on your face. Don't engage further than that, just move on to a different topic.

I rememer you original thread OP- my MiL is similar and I'm dreading giving birth tbh!

I think counselling is definitly the right route, I just wonder if it might be an idea to arrange a counsellig session with DH and MIL and you? Maybe just a couple of sessions with relate?

Tell me to shut up if you want-just another possibility!

I know it's very last minute, but could you arrange a party at your house tomorrow instead? Ask all the inlaws, including MIL, and make it very clear that your dd will be at your house, at your party, and if they want to see her, that's where they have to be.

I quite understand why you wouldn't want to turn up uninvited at your MIL's house, especially if your own dh is not going to back you up in this action, which is why I suggest you relocating things to your own home - your own turf, if you like. You'd also be able to ask your family and friends who'd be able to give you support and back up.

You'd have to tell your dh that this is what's happening, and not listen to his inevitable tantrum as he tries to bully you into backing down. Ring friends and family now, and get the arrangements well under way before you tell your dh, and present him with a fait accompli.

You could also get some of your friends/family to turn up early to help set up the party - he's unlikely to try to make off with your dd if there are witnesses present.

I hope you can work this out - it sounds like a horrendous situation.

{{hugs}}

I swear to God I jumped when I started to read this thread. You have summed up completely my relationship with my MIL and I have tears in my eyes that someone else might understand what it is like. I will be back to post more when I get a chance x

Sorry if it came across that hte party was tomorrow night, it was meant to be tonight.
I had no reply from DH so i tried to call him again about 30 minutes ago (he was meant to be home from work early to take DD to party). He said straight away that he's rearranged for the party to be tomorrow. I am allowed!! to come along as long as I don't cause an atmosphere and make an effort (I've never knowingly caused an atmosphere - I certainly don't pull her up on her behaviour or sulk at all in their house, I am 100% polite).
I asked if perhaps we could have the party here, I'd be more comfortable with that, the phone went dead. (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but he may well have put it down on me. The fact is he hasn't had time to answer his wife but he's had time to rearrange a party with his mother.

SDTG - I would have it here, I suggested it yesterday, but he won't listen to me. I could go in and invite everyone etc, but I don't know who she's invited - people I've never met.

DinkyTinky - I've thought about counselling to include MIL - and would seriously consider it myself, but I'd feel ganged up on in a room with the two of them, no one to coroborate my side of things - I'm afraid I'd end up looking mad! Also I'm not sure it would achieve anything as far as she is concerned if she is a narcissist?

Female: I'm sure I will understand - do post again.
Thanks again to all posting and I too hope we can work things out.

I'd be getting ready to run, secretly. Sounds dramatic but this is a litany of emotional torture.

I'd be writing every incident down, printing off these threads, squirrelling away money and stuff you need, getting in touch with CAB and benefits people, and basically getting away.

You've forgotten what it's like to breathe the fresh air of freedom, self esteem and happiness. You shouldn't be living like this, it's not good for your child and it's not good for you.

ps your mil is a loon and your husband is chronically weak and selfish

I couldn't live with this, OP. Being 'allowed' to attend your DD's birthday party with a load of people you don't know as long as you don't create an atmosphere.

This is completely unacceptable behaviour from your DH (and you know he put the phone down on you, don't you?)

I am seething on your behalf, I really am.

I don't normally come on MN shouting 'leave him' but this is a situation I would find intolerable.

How's your relationship with DH when your MIL is not involved?

(And for what it's worth, I would not let my DD attend this ridiculous party tomorrow.)

Your DH appears to have got you confused with the hired help.

Go to the party and be the life and soul, but I think that unless you DH will agree to joint counselling then you need to think about your future. Who does the majority of the childcare at the moment? You mentioned that your DH isn't home until after she has gone to bed, is that normal?

Plumm and Appletrees - is it really that bad?I was going to give it one last chance, for out daughter's sake more than anything.

Our relationship is quite good - if you take his mother out of the picture. This has all escalated since I have had DD. I feel an underlying competition with my family - like he compares how much I see my Mum to how much DD sees his.

I know he put the phone down yes, and he's not answering now, although it's ringing.

I'd love to stop him taking DD tomorrow, but think i'd cause even more upset. As he always tells me he is an equal parent adn should have equal say in where she goes and what she does.

I think MIL wants all the control by having this at her house. It was like it at Christmas time. Presents and cards that come from her side of teh family get sent through her. She then refuses to give them to us so DD can open them on the day. We get to her house and she opens them 'because she wants to see what x bought her'. I shut up about it because I want to choose my battles but I can't see what's normal about that.

I do all childcare at the moment, and it is normal for him to get in after she's in bed or to be away with work all week.

However he is v hands on when he's with her. Although to an extent where I feel left out. He needs 'alone' time with her because I have her to myself all week, so wants to take her out to the shops. He takes him to his friends house, but again, without me. It's like she's a trophy child, I am finding it hard to put this into words.

He was quite hesitant about having a baby when we did, it wasn't ideal timing and it was a happy accident, but we both agreed to have her. Throughout the pregnancy he wasn't v excited, or helpful. When I had her it turned into the DH and MIL show with my DD. You'd almost think she was theirs!